liss74

Awwwww thank you all your love means so much thank you and by the way not double diploma it's just 2 subjects diploma in case management x

venuscat

Love you liss ~ and that's kind of what I thought considering you aren't in any of my classes.

The good news, is that I started Case Management last year, and even have the first few assignments...so happy to share.

How are you doing getting around the website?
Even if we aren't in the same classes, we can still chat and whinge, etc!! LOL.

Love to everyone....wherever you are.

V xx

liss74

Can we ? I haven't logged on today had headaches for 2 days and not much sleep what are you studying ? I'm brand new to the whole thing xx

fantail

I'm in a really dark place.

My new job is a disaster, they require me to be there/online just untold hours every day.... and then everyone seems to think I'm not doing anything. I feel like I spend every day trying to explain myself. I think I will be fired soon, honestly. And it sucks because I put so much effort in.

It makes me really sad... I gave up on love a long time ago. I dated a string of abusive men and finally I was like, this is it, I can't make this the emotional center of my life anymore.

So I thought career, OK, that's a place where I'm totally in charge and I can really focus my energy and get something back.

It's been so bad! It's been 6 years of torture. My bosses always seem to speak a different language. They treat me like I'm stupid when I know that I'm not. And then I eventually start to freak and I get treated like I'm crazy, on top of stupid.

I hate it because it seems so narcissistic of myself to freak out. Like everyone else just fakes it when they have to, why can't I do that?

I think I am literally crazy.Like when people talk about people who are bad, and not productive, and lazy, etc... they mean people like me. Why can't I care about these things that other people seem to care about? Like yeah I enjoy making money but I don't care about it enough to spend 60-70 hours a week doing stupid stuff.

I'm just so sad that I don't even see the point in not being sad. I spent so much time working so, so hard.... just to manage, just to be here. Why do I have to work so hard? And why does all that work disappear so easily? If I don't spend literally like 3 hours working out, I become inconsolable. That is crazy! That is not a person who can exist in the world. I am that person and I just don't know what to do. I can't afford to have "being OK" my full-time job anymore. And I can't seem to function otherwise.

venuscat

I'll PM liss...I'll send you my ACAP email and my ***** one...

I'm doing the Diploma of Counselling.

Get some sleep hun, and get over your headaches, and then we'll go gung ho!

(((hugs)))

V xx

venuscat

Oh fantail, I am so sorry you are going through all of this hun!
You are NOT crazy.
Your job sounds like an awful lot to deal with.
And it is far from crazy to not want to be on the 60-70 hr/wk treadmill.
I don't; I'm sure a lot of people don't.

It has been an amazing blessing to be able to spend all of that time every week just looking after you, and although you may have to dial it back a little,
you certainly don't have to stop.

Balance. That magic word again. There has to be a way to find some you time while you work hard.
And as for bosses who make you feel like you're not good enough?
There are a lot of them out there.

You are trying your best; please don't give up.

And love? Love will come. When the time is right it will be wonderful again.
The right guy is in your future.

So much love to you; please remember you are not alone here.
Talk it all out, all of the time....you can get through this very hard spot.
You can feel good again.

So much love to you!!!!!

Venus xx

fantail

Thanks Venus for always being here.

I know I'll get through it. I just am so sad & feel like I've always been so sad. Like it's not fair.... not just not fair to me, but not fair to the world. Like why didn't my spot in life get given to someone who would appreciate it?? I've had it good. I've had really good opportunities, my parents worked really hard for us to live in a town with good schools, help me get into a good college, etc. The fact that I am where I am indicates that because I've been so depressed my whole life that I've wasted so many of them. I'm doing pretty well and that's after nearly flunking out of highschool because I couldn't get out of bed for months... same thing in college.... etc.

And then I found booze and that helped me fake it until it ruined my life.

And now I'm just depressed again and I don't have anything to get me out of it. I'm still that person who can't get out of bed for months.

I saw this the other day and thought yeah, that's me every day... maybe not for like a few months at a time, but it's always where I return:

Dee74

have you ever seen a Dr or a counsellor about feeling this way fantail - you probably told me, but I've forgotten?

D

venuscat

I do believe it would be a really good idea for you to talk to a counsellor fantail;
maybe even see your GP and get a referral to a good therapist, if, as Dee mentioned, you are not already doing this.

You don't have to keep feeling this way; there is really good help out there.
And you deserve to feel better love.

V xx

fantail

Yeah, sorry guys. I do see someone. & I should probably get medicated.I do think life is beautiful... it's just that it's also so mundane and sad. And I kind of love that it's mundane and sad, but people aren't going to feed me just in exchange for my awesome observational skills. Those're not exactly unique capabilities.

And when it's 2:20 in the morning and I'm watching this clock tick down till when I have to go smile at every request again... I freak out, I guess.

Sorry. Thanks for listening. Gonna go try to sleep now. Like a good adult would.

Dee74

Don;t undersell yourself either

I once had a job situation like yours - it was damn hard to keep smiling, fantail.
get all the support and love and backing that you can I reckon.

can you look for another job at all?

D

melissa6381

Fan, I feel like I'm coming into a new phase of my sober life where it's like 'ugh, how did I get here" I'm in my thirties slaving away waiting tables. I feel like when I was drinking my life became stagnate because making changes in my life just got in the way of my drinking and felt hard. Now that I'm sober I still feel like in walking in the same path that the sick me chose for herself. Lately though I feel like I'm entering a new phase of sobriety that's motivating me to make changes that are in tune with the healthy me (which I've noticed in our studious classmates as well).

You should chase your joy. You say you feel best when working out, why not work towards becoming a personal trainer or something else phsycial? If quitting your job isn't reasonable right now having something on the side to work towards night make a difference. One of my personal mantras is "work to live, not live to work".

venuscat

Hi Mel ~ that is lovely advice.

Need to eat my dinner, way late here!

Many hugs ♥

V xx

firstweek

Hello All...just doing my weekly check in! Well I have made it 4 weeks totally sober. I had my first social occasion on Friday which was a beautiful evening with some friends. We had a midnight picnic in the park and watched the moon during the Autumn Equinox. I am beginning to see that here is life outside of Chardonnay and a far brighter and better one at that.

Fantail - I am so sorry to hear you are having a hard time. This is a dip that will pass. They always do but I do understand that it is difficult being unhappy at work. My last job was the same but thankfully something better came along with kind and decent people. Try to keep you chin up and truck on!

Thanks as always everybody for the support xxx

venuscat

Congratulations on 4 weeks firstweek!!! ♥♥♥♥

Love V xx

liss74

Everyday waking up with headaches and I'm so proud of you firstweek 4 weeks is awesome xxx

venuscat

Feel better liss ♥

Love V xx

1stepup

Hi guys like fantail im in a very dark place emotionally, was doing so well for six weeks then one pint and you know where it leads its worse each time think because I know 100% now that im an alcoholic it makes it worse when I slip because of the guilt, from that first weekend on it (I blacked out two nights running) and let my dad and kids down. Managed to stay sober for four days then somehow and went to work all week, on the Friday though I went to a pub after work and I was off again.

Blacked out again that night, then decided to jump on a train the next day and head for a nearby city, It was hell all so hazy I booked into a hotel but at the end of the night or early hours of the morning I couldn't find it so had to sleep drunk the night in a train station.

It all sounds mad now looking back, Again somehow managed work on the Monday but as the usual pattern for me once im gone im gone and drank every night that week after work until the Wednesday night when I drank with a fellow alcoholic we drank and drank until 4am in the morning-he got arrested at the end of the night.

Next day I missed the first bus to work but convinced myself I was too drunk anyway to show up so text in sick and drank and drank like a madman all day and night in bars missed work again the next day I was out of control by now and led to many blackouts and no shows in work

To cut it short I couldn't face work again yesterday even though I had a doctors note because I couldn't stop again this weekend. Drank a bottle of vodka to myself sunday and it didn't even get me drunk, ive gotten that immune, but the withdrawl and fear that night were unbearable, was very ill yesterday and fearing a seizure so again text in work to say im too ill to fulfil the rest of my contract which is only til the end of this week but feel as guilty as hell for letting them down, even though they have asked me to resign in writing and wished me the best for the future its a horrible way for me to treat them. That's where I am at right now- not sleeping did go to doctors yesterday but was that emotional and nonsensical he's asked me to go back today when my heads clearer. My only solace in all this is that I believe I am VERY ill with chronic alcoholism and haven't been fit for work.

What do I do now guys? Im very scared how bad its got and how ive left a job that I had done immensely well in because im an alcoholic. Thinking of taking the plunge and asking doctor today to get admitted into rehab or drying out clinic. I hate myself right now.

Did SOOOOO well those six weeks off it saved loads of money got my kids loads of stuff saw them loads and took them loads of places. Ive spoke to them on the phone but my ex understandably wont let me see them until I get straight- it breaks my heart what this horrible illness has done to me and those around me.

Sorry for long post but that's where im at and im lost and have no idea if I can come back from this.

Im in bed on a tues

venuscat

1stepup ~ so much love.

It could not have been easy to share all of that, so thank you for your honesty, and your courage.

Yes hun, it's time, I think, to consider rehab.
It could be a really good idea.
Help, and support to get you to a better place.
Instead of continually trying to do this on your own, you would have the support system to get you to the next step.

You CAN come back from this; as long as you keep trying.
It's just time for a different approach maybe.

You are such a beautiful young man; you have so much to offer the world.
Please give yourself a chance.
This disease wants to take us down; but that doesn't mean we have to give in.

Keep fighting...get some more help so that you can live the life you want to live, the life you deserve.

Here for you, always.

Love V xx

SereneEdition

Hi all -

I'm running late for work, and wanted to stop by and say Hi to everyone. Briefly scanned and will come back later to read more in depth.

Quickly - Fantail & 1step - I KNOW you can do this.

@Fantail - couple of facts
- customer service specialists on average last 3 months in the role - it is just that draining of a job.
- bay area startups have a reputation for having bad management (engineers plus usually a young, inexperienced staff).
Please don't attribute these performance parameters yourself - and it would make sense that the stress of both of those would trigger any underlying tendencies.

@1step - thanks for sharing 1step.

rehab is a wonderful gift though. since you've left your position, this sounds like a great opportunity as lots of folks struggle to find the time window to be able to do it. Continuing to try new things to find what works for you is a path that leads to lasting sobriety.

Hugs and Warm thoughts for both of you.