Class of December 2012 - Part 8
Re-Tread
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Meditation
Posts: 1,300
Hi all missed a bunch but back in class now.
Tazzle and Courage my sympathies to you both and your families.
Alice, thanks for sharing. I have been thru similar ups and downs with my wife over the years. The kid thing is a tough one. I always thought I did not want kids. Now
I wish we started earlier. It is definitely something you want to be on the same page about. Nowadays I sense my wife wants another child but we are towards the end of child bearing age and really cannot afford it either. But if I hold out she may resent it once its too late. It is a tough communication issue... So we skate around it most of the time.
RAL happy 7 months. I just realized it
. I have all but stopped counting days too. It is nice to forget that I am sober and just live life sometimes. Life is good. A lot has changed in my relationship too. I am much quieter these days and my wife says I am boring. She jokes but there's some truth in there. We don't really talk much other than 'family business talk'. Its kinda sad. But there's no drama either. I can talk much more freely to some friends... But I just chalk it up to the fact that I don't see them everyday and night.
More will be revealed...
Have a great night all! I'll try to get back to class soon.
Tazzle and Courage my sympathies to you both and your families.
Alice, thanks for sharing. I have been thru similar ups and downs with my wife over the years. The kid thing is a tough one. I always thought I did not want kids. Now
I wish we started earlier. It is definitely something you want to be on the same page about. Nowadays I sense my wife wants another child but we are towards the end of child bearing age and really cannot afford it either. But if I hold out she may resent it once its too late. It is a tough communication issue... So we skate around it most of the time.
RAL happy 7 months. I just realized it
. I have all but stopped counting days too. It is nice to forget that I am sober and just live life sometimes. Life is good. A lot has changed in my relationship too. I am much quieter these days and my wife says I am boring. She jokes but there's some truth in there. We don't really talk much other than 'family business talk'. Its kinda sad. But there's no drama either. I can talk much more freely to some friends... But I just chalk it up to the fact that I don't see them everyday and night.More will be revealed...
Have a great night all! I'll try to get back to class soon.
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 7,097
I always thought I did not want kids. Now I wish we started earlier. It is definitely something you want to be on the same page about. Nowadays I sense my wife wants another child but we are towards the end of child bearing age and really cannot afford it either. But if I hold out she may resent it once its too late. It is a tough communication issue... So we skate around it most of the time.
I'm much younger of course but it will be too late soon. It's so difficult when you already have children so not that easy to walk away(not that I want to) but I would never have married him if he didn't want ANY children Alice.
RAL happy 7 months. I just realized it . I have all but stopped counting days too. It is nice to forget that I am sober and just live life sometimes. Life is good. A lot has changed in my relationship too. I am much quieter these days and my wife says I am boring. She jokes but there's some truth in there. We don't really talk much other than 'family business talk'. Its kinda sad. But there's no drama either. I can talk much more freely to some friends... But I just chalk it up to the fact that I don't see them everyday and night.
. I have all but stopped counting days too. It is nice to forget that I am sober and just live life sometimes. Life is good. A lot has changed in my relationship too. I am much quieter these days and my wife says I am boring. She jokes but there's some truth in there. We don't really talk much other than 'family business talk'. Its kinda sad. But there's no drama either. I can talk much more freely to some friends... But I just chalk it up to the fact that I don't see them everyday and night.
Mr RAL is glad for the reduced drama now drink is out of the picture
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 320
Hey all, good to see you guys again
Thank you everyone for your comments.
I guess the kid issue hasn't been as big in my mind, but it is something I need to figure out. RAL - do you mind me asking how old you were when you had yours? My partner is older than me also, I am 30 and he is 45. I think that is another reason why he does not want kids, as he feels too old for them. It's such an odd predicament. I've never felt overly maternal and would rather play with a dog or cat than a child. Though of course, it's different when they're your own (as my mum always says).
RAL, how did you know when you wanted them? Did you know on some level when you were with your ex? I am really on the fence :S If I were with a guy who did want kids then I would have them, but I don't know how much of an indicator that is. I also wonder if maybe I don't want kids because I can't image my partner as a dad.
I actually had a dream about a week ago (before I posted in here) that I was pregnant. In the dream I didn't want to tell my partner because I knew he didn't want a kid. I was glad to be pregnant though, I remember that. In the ultrasound the baby looked like a brown cat, which I guess was weird. I remember thinking that the baby wasn't as cute as my real-life pet cat, Wal, though.
Argh, too hard basket! How long do women have? Until 35? It's the sort of thing I need to decide quickly. I am thinking of going overseas to live for a year in 2015, which means by the time I got back I'd be 33. :S
Sorry for a very selfish post tonight
I'm feeling a little stretched thin so will keep this short.
Much love xxxxxx
Thank you everyone for your comments.
I guess the kid issue hasn't been as big in my mind, but it is something I need to figure out. RAL - do you mind me asking how old you were when you had yours? My partner is older than me also, I am 30 and he is 45. I think that is another reason why he does not want kids, as he feels too old for them. It's such an odd predicament. I've never felt overly maternal and would rather play with a dog or cat than a child. Though of course, it's different when they're your own (as my mum always says).
RAL, how did you know when you wanted them? Did you know on some level when you were with your ex? I am really on the fence :S If I were with a guy who did want kids then I would have them, but I don't know how much of an indicator that is. I also wonder if maybe I don't want kids because I can't image my partner as a dad.
I actually had a dream about a week ago (before I posted in here) that I was pregnant. In the dream I didn't want to tell my partner because I knew he didn't want a kid. I was glad to be pregnant though, I remember that. In the ultrasound the baby looked like a brown cat, which I guess was weird. I remember thinking that the baby wasn't as cute as my real-life pet cat, Wal, though.
Argh, too hard basket! How long do women have? Until 35? It's the sort of thing I need to decide quickly. I am thinking of going overseas to live for a year in 2015, which means by the time I got back I'd be 33. :S
Sorry for a very selfish post tonight
I'm feeling a little stretched thin so will keep this short.Much love xxxxxx
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 7,097
Hi Alice
I don't mind at all. I'm 38 now and junior RAL is 3 so I was 34 when I got pregnant and 35 when he was born.I never had a burning desire to have babies,as some people do, I just knew I didn't want to eliminate my CHANCE, if that makes sense. If it hadn't have happened then it wouldn't have happened but I would not have wasted m y time with a man who definitely did not want them. If you say you would have children if you were with a man who wanted them then I think you have your answer. I hopeyou don't think I'm being intrusive butIgenuinely think youwill regret it and resent your partner if you forego the CHANCE because it ishis wish and decision,not yours.
Manywomen get pregnant into their 40s now but it's not ideal reallyas a first time mum. My theory is why waste time in a relationship if it isn't giving you what you need. I knew I would always resent my ex for not LETTING me have children,which is what he was doing. He was controlling and making what should have been mine,or at least a joint decision. Men can change their mind at 50 and start a family.Women can't. So I left him and I knew,even if I never met anyone else and never had children,at least I would have given myself the best chance of doing so.Staying with a man who wouldn't allow me to have children eliminated any possibility of having them,if that makes sense.
p.s putting your needs andwishes first isn't selfish-look after you
I don't mind at all. I'm 38 now and junior RAL is 3 so I was 34 when I got pregnant and 35 when he was born.I never had a burning desire to have babies,as some people do, I just knew I didn't want to eliminate my CHANCE, if that makes sense. If it hadn't have happened then it wouldn't have happened but I would not have wasted m y time with a man who definitely did not want them. If you say you would have children if you were with a man who wanted them then I think you have your answer. I hopeyou don't think I'm being intrusive butIgenuinely think youwill regret it and resent your partner if you forego the CHANCE because it ishis wish and decision,not yours.
Manywomen get pregnant into their 40s now but it's not ideal reallyas a first time mum. My theory is why waste time in a relationship if it isn't giving you what you need. I knew I would always resent my ex for not LETTING me have children,which is what he was doing. He was controlling and making what should have been mine,or at least a joint decision. Men can change their mind at 50 and start a family.Women can't. So I left him and I knew,even if I never met anyone else and never had children,at least I would have given myself the best chance of doing so.Staying with a man who wouldn't allow me to have children eliminated any possibility of having them,if that makes sense.
p.s putting your needs andwishes first isn't selfish-look after you
p***enger
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: NYC
Posts: 19,044
Hi everybody!
Welcome back, Napster! Even though I'm sure you're mad that your bike blew up, I hope you saw some beautiful sights & had good company.
Alice, I've been reading your posts with interest. It was quite a surprise to me and my partner when I got pregnant at age 28. I'd never considered having children (or getting married for that matter-- my son's father & I didn't marry till my son was 5 or 6. (Well, even then I was acting like an alcoholic, & planning things was not my strong suit.)) The only thing I can say is that sometimes people surprise you, and if you & your partner haven't ever really thought about this (or other things) as two honest, sober people who care about each other, maybe you should.
As for me -- I haven't yet completely processed the events & feelings around interring my mother's ashes. My siblings & their families displayed a fair amount of untreated alcoholism, or general drunkenness, and a lot of greed as people laid claim to miscellaneous "stuff" -- china, pictures, bits of jewelry. By the time everyone had said their farewells, most people were angry at someone or something, or badly hungover. So it didn't end gracefully.
But -- my son who just came for one night looked and acted beautifully, which made me proud. And I managed to be of some service, by crating up a lot of stuff & making multiple trips to the donation center, and doing as much cleaning as I could, and helping a bit at the graveside service -- and staying sober. And because I was the last out-of-towner to leave, I finally had a few moments alone in my mother's apartment, which is when I poured out all her remaining liquor (though there wasn't much left by that time), including her last shot of scotch, her drink of choice. That was almost the last thing I did -- then I had a short cry, took out the trash, and shut the door behind me.
I'll probably never go back to my home town. And I may never see some of my siblings again. It's a relief, but a source of sadness too.
There! I ended up writing a long post, though I didn't mean to. Thanks, class, for being there.
PS. My AA sponsor suggested I come up with a "six word novel" to tell the story. Here it is: "Take what you want. Leave empty."
Welcome back, Napster! Even though I'm sure you're mad that your bike blew up, I hope you saw some beautiful sights & had good company.
Alice, I've been reading your posts with interest. It was quite a surprise to me and my partner when I got pregnant at age 28. I'd never considered having children (or getting married for that matter-- my son's father & I didn't marry till my son was 5 or 6. (Well, even then I was acting like an alcoholic, & planning things was not my strong suit.)) The only thing I can say is that sometimes people surprise you, and if you & your partner haven't ever really thought about this (or other things) as two honest, sober people who care about each other, maybe you should.
As for me -- I haven't yet completely processed the events & feelings around interring my mother's ashes. My siblings & their families displayed a fair amount of untreated alcoholism, or general drunkenness, and a lot of greed as people laid claim to miscellaneous "stuff" -- china, pictures, bits of jewelry. By the time everyone had said their farewells, most people were angry at someone or something, or badly hungover. So it didn't end gracefully.
But -- my son who just came for one night looked and acted beautifully, which made me proud. And I managed to be of some service, by crating up a lot of stuff & making multiple trips to the donation center, and doing as much cleaning as I could, and helping a bit at the graveside service -- and staying sober. And because I was the last out-of-towner to leave, I finally had a few moments alone in my mother's apartment, which is when I poured out all her remaining liquor (though there wasn't much left by that time), including her last shot of scotch, her drink of choice. That was almost the last thing I did -- then I had a short cry, took out the trash, and shut the door behind me.
I'll probably never go back to my home town. And I may never see some of my siblings again. It's a relief, but a source of sadness too.
There! I ended up writing a long post, though I didn't mean to. Thanks, class, for being there.
PS. My AA sponsor suggested I come up with a "six word novel" to tell the story. Here it is: "Take what you want. Leave empty."
Recovering ostrich
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Tampa Bay, Florida
Posts: 2,551
Hi all!
Alice.... I got pregnant, surprisingly, completely unexpectedly at 23. I am the least maternal person that I knew and presently know. Lol and I love that little bugger more than anyone and anything. I was totally of the mindset that I wouldn't have kids. I don't think you have to rush, 30 still leaves you plenty of time. A lot of people that I am friends with who are my age (37) are only just now having children. I just brag to them that I will be finished at 42 and they will only be starting kindergarten. :p. basically, you have time. But if you have an inkling that you want them (and they are great with cats!) then you need a partner who wants them too. That's my two centavos.
Fallow, congrats on 7 months.
Courage, I like your 6 word story. Are you still working on step 4? Sounds like you had a lot of closure. I got nothing else... I have a ton to say but don't know how. I'm glad you're back.
Tazzle, sorry about your potty woes.
Hiya, Ready!
Just finished a meeting, going to bed. I slept 12 hours last night, I never got my long nap after the colonoscopy to sleep off the meds and I've been dragging ever since. Everyone have a good night! Or day if your in a different time zone.
Alice.... I got pregnant, surprisingly, completely unexpectedly at 23. I am the least maternal person that I knew and presently know. Lol and I love that little bugger more than anyone and anything. I was totally of the mindset that I wouldn't have kids. I don't think you have to rush, 30 still leaves you plenty of time. A lot of people that I am friends with who are my age (37) are only just now having children. I just brag to them that I will be finished at 42 and they will only be starting kindergarten. :p. basically, you have time. But if you have an inkling that you want them (and they are great with cats!) then you need a partner who wants them too. That's my two centavos.
Fallow, congrats on 7 months.
Courage, I like your 6 word story. Are you still working on step 4? Sounds like you had a lot of closure. I got nothing else... I have a ton to say but don't know how. I'm glad you're back.
Tazzle, sorry about your potty woes.
Hiya, Ready!
Just finished a meeting, going to bed. I slept 12 hours last night, I never got my long nap after the colonoscopy to sleep off the meds and I've been dragging ever since. Everyone have a good night! Or day if your in a different time zone.
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 7,097
sorry Alice,having re-read my post I hope it doesn't come across as bossy or domineering
Morning everyone-hope you are all ok.Working on my Scottish tan here though lots of chores and shopping to do today
I went to the doc yesterday and agreed a taper off my anti-ds.Feeling positive and hoping I won't have too many ill effects coming off. Sunshine probably helps
Morning everyone-hope you are all ok.Working on my Scottish tan here
though lots of chores and shopping to do todayI went to the doc yesterday and agreed a taper off my anti-ds.Feeling positive and hoping I won't have too many ill effects coming off. Sunshine probably helps
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: BC
Posts: 410
Morning all, just a quick check in. Working away, Sun has been out for the better part of a week finally, and not the odd heatwave level we had about a month ago so it's been great. Taking the older nephew to the beach this weekend if it holds up, he has been in swimming lessons for the last little bit so he is excited for it. Other than that, just going through the motions here, trying to keep throwing the odd new thing in the mix as I've realized one of my major issues with staying sober. One of my big issues is I'm a very routine, habitual person, I find it hard to get out of my comfort zone (aka the house). When I'm drinking that becomes the routine, and if I'm not doing it then something feels "off". That isn't news, but I've noticed that I do that even when I've stopped. I pick up slurpees on the way home, but it becomes where if I don't stop to get one then that starts to feel "off". Or I'll read or play games or something, but after X amounts of days/weeks of that being the routine that starts to get boring so the voice tells me that we'll play some games or something tonight while we just have a few beers, and then it becomes less games and more beer, finally no games and all beer. Rinse, repeat. Took the first big step and finally set up an exercise bike that I've actually rode a few times already, so hopefully that becomes what I consider normal/routine.
Sucks about the bike Napster, good to see you back around here.
Sucks about the bike Napster, good to see you back around here.
Recovering ostrich
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Tampa Bay, Florida
Posts: 2,551
Hey all
Just got back from a dinner and I am so happy about it! If you remember from January, maybe February, I have a friend who was a drinking friend that was going to move in with me. I gently told her that she could only live here if she could be sober. Needless to say, she doesn't live here. She is visiting though and I went to dinner with het and a bunch of old friends. Only one person was drinking and we just ate and talked... It was fun. I was worried we wouldn't have anything to talk about but we did. So that is that! Glad I went.
Just got back from a dinner and I am so happy about it! If you remember from January, maybe February, I have a friend who was a drinking friend that was going to move in with me. I gently told her that she could only live here if she could be sober. Needless to say, she doesn't live here. She is visiting though and I went to dinner with het and a bunch of old friends. Only one person was drinking and we just ate and talked... It was fun. I was worried we wouldn't have anything to talk about but we did. So that is that! Glad I went.
Re-Tread
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Meditation
Posts: 1,300
Nice that dinner went well Tamerua. I am finding that my expectations are off base sometimes. This past weekend we camped in the mountains with some new friends. I was nervous about standing out for not drinking and worried that they would get wasted and I'd want to leave. But nobody got drunk or even close. They offered me a swig of whisky by the campfire but I just said 'no thank you' and not another word was spoken about it. We had a great time.
RAL yes it sounds like we have similar scenarios going on. My wife is also your same age... I actually would love more children. I adore kids and I really love being a father. What makes me hesitant is mostly monetary. We have a good thing going now but another child in daycare would put an enormous strain on us. I don't see how we could afford it
We will see though. Still time left
RAL yes it sounds like we have similar scenarios going on. My wife is also your same age... I actually would love more children. I adore kids and I really love being a father. What makes me hesitant is mostly monetary. We have a good thing going now but another child in daycare would put an enormous strain on us. I don't see how we could afford it
We will see though. Still time left
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 7,097
Morning all
Thanks Gonzo,that's fun
Glad your dinner went well Lynn and you still had lots to chat about. It doesn't seem to bother me nowadays beingaround people drinking and Ithink back to how nervous Ifelt 6 months ago-it's amazing how soon we adapt
I understand Fallow and know just how expensive daycare can be.I don't think you get as great maternity leave inthe US either as in the UK (up to 12 months) which increases the pressure. I have a couple of friends who waited till their eldest was at school before having another so as to keep the nursery fees down which is one way round it. Good luck in deciding what to do,I feel for you
Have agreat day all,Beach here and dinner party tonight(alcohol free for me of course)
HOpe you're feeling better Dee
xx
Thanks Gonzo,that's fun
Glad your dinner went well Lynn and you still had lots to chat about. It doesn't seem to bother me nowadays beingaround people drinking and Ithink back to how nervous Ifelt 6 months ago-it's amazing how soon we adapt
I understand Fallow and know just how expensive daycare can be.I don't think you get as great maternity leave inthe US either as in the UK (up to 12 months) which increases the pressure. I have a couple of friends who waited till their eldest was at school before having another so as to keep the nursery fees down which is one way round it. Good luck in deciding what to do,I feel for you
Have agreat day all,Beach here and dinner party tonight(alcohol free for me of course
)HOpe you're feeling better Dee
xx
Recovering ostrich
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Tampa Bay, Florida
Posts: 2,551
Ugh. Daycare costs. Ready, in the US, short term disability covers 6 weeks pay at a reduced rate. You can also get FMLA for an additional 6 weeks unpaid. I couldn't afford that and went back to work at 6 weeks. That and the cost of infant care are the reasons I only have one child. I hated leaving my baby at 6 weeks.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 41
Hi. Just: I worked too much. I was alone too much. I didn't care about myself. I "didn't have time" for AA and a therapy - and I relapsed after one and a half year of sobriety. Yesterday I stopped drinking. Today I went straight to meeting. I guess that I'm going through some kind of a breakdown right now.
What now, class? Should I go to another class? I think that I should spend here more time.
What now, class? Should I go to another class? I think that I should spend here more time.
Recovering ostrich
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Tampa Bay, Florida
Posts: 2,551
Hi 2inconsolable, I don't think there are any rules about which class to be in. You should pick yourself up, dust yourself off and it sounds like you know why oy vey picked up. There's work to do now.
p***enger
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: NYC
Posts: 19,044
Hi Inconsolable. Sorry to hear about your relapse but glad you came here and posted. Why don't you stick with this class AND check out the new class starting this month? Nobody ever said there was such a thing as too much SR support, did they? Plus we know you & love you -- it'll be good for you to have some familiar "faces" around as you go through the early days again.
Glad to see you back, Dee. I was missing you!
Glad to see you back, Dee. I was missing you!
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 7,097
Went out to dinner last night to a friend's house.15 people there. I was looking forward to it but as the evening went on I started to feel out of the picture,on the sidelines.Everyone was drinking except the children and having such fun. I felt nervous,shy and excluded-not because I wasn't drinking but because I just struggle to mix and don't have anything interestingtosay.I ask questions of course but probably sound stilted and nervous. Then I became aware of it so it gets worse. In the end I had to leave,probably looked incredibly rude so worried about that too Mr RAL mixes so easily and probably wouldnt have noticed if was there or not. It caught me unawares really,I wasn't expecting it as wasn't nervous beforehand
Anyway woken this morning and feel better. It was only when I woke that I realized I didn't contemplate drinking despite feeling so bad. Guess that's a good thing.The options were stay or go-drinking wasn't an option. Dealing with life on life's terms I suppose. It still doesn't get to the root of the problem -that I'm shy,nervous and boring,struggling to mix in large groups. That's just me though,I'm not a big socialiser. I just hope it wasn't as apparent to everyone else.
Oh well the sun is shining,it's a new day and I'm sober
have a good day everyone
Mr RAL mixes so easily and probably wouldnt have noticed if was there or not. It caught me unawares really,I wasn't expecting it as wasn't nervous beforehandAnyway woken this morning and feel better. It was only when I woke that I realized I didn't contemplate drinking despite feeling so bad. Guess that's a good thing.The options were stay or go-drinking wasn't an option. Dealing with life on life's terms I suppose. It still doesn't get to the root of the problem -that I'm shy,nervous and boring,struggling to mix in large groups. That's just me though,I'm not a big socialiser. I just hope it wasn't as apparent to everyone else.
Oh well the sun is shining,it's a new day and I'm sober
have a good day everyone
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