Easyrider

Goose1, I was becoming more and more tense reading through your post, thankfully your wife saved the day!

1stepup, sorry you slipped up and glad you're back. I use my last drunk as a powerful reminder of why I don't want to do and a 5 hour black out seems like a good reason never to drink again to me.

I've just had a moment to myself earlier when I realised that I'm not hungover and on a Monday morning! Infact I haven't been hungerover for 50 days. It's a pretty sweet feeling. I'm feeling upbeat and confident today so I'll quote some Beatles. "Got to admit it 's getting better, it's getting better all the time." Stay sober.

Soberemmie9

Venus, hang in there. We're thinking of you.

Odelle

Easyrider – 50 days! Congratulations, well done.

Venus – “I am sitting here feeling sorry for myself with regards to how hard my life is. I'm jealous of everyone who has a career, a home, a partner. Pathetic, huh? But things can and will get better; it won't always be this hard. Because as you said, I am sober!” Chin up Venus, as Easyrider said in an earlier post, “it’s getting better all the time.” One note to you, a house is just a house, but a home is what you make it. It doesn’t matter where you reside, Venus, it’s the love, acceptance and harmony that builds the foundation where people feel welcomed and attachments are formed. Your partner at the present (Venus) probably gives and receives more love than many people living the life of material grandeur. I hope you feel the love of your cyber friends here at SR, because I think you are one special lady!

bunny44

Good observation. Looking back, I used the present tense from the point of view of the people I would be with who do not know I have quit. But you are right to note that is just a mind trick playing at the variations of commitment.

I haven't had anything really test me thus far. A moment here and there that passed quickly. I am over-worrying about the possibility of admitting to others I have a problem. So far the "gave it up for lent" I used once was the only time I had to "excuse myself" for being a drunk. It is also easy to lie to people at work and not drink the one time here or there it's offered.

My family will know something's up from the moment they arrive and there are no bottles on the kitchen counter. I'm just not sure how I want to handle that. It would be easy to say I'm on antibiotics or have a procedure coming up. But the truth would be best- especially as my younger brother is really an alcoholic too and my honest could possibly help him if/when he is ready to see the world again. Also, the truth means having more people to answer to if I fall off. Here I go trying to avoid thinking about forever, but being slapped in the face with it?

For all my early bravado, I guess I am having a hard time admitting to people "I failed" and can't "handle alcohol" and all those cheap versions of being a broken human.

melissa6381

Bunny this is one of those life lesson moments for you. Get through this and it will change you forever.

I sense there's some AV here at play. If everyone knows then you won't have the option to drink ever again. You are an alcoholic, you already don't have the option to drink again, surrender.

You wont be available to receive the full love of another person if you are hiding who you really are. I wonder if somewhere along the line you were programmed to be perfect or appear perfect. That's not the only way to live, and as an adult you call the shots of your own life.

Think of it like someone who looses 100 lbs. They had a problem and they fixed it. No one shames their old frame they only celebrate their success and maybe gain respect for their hard work and will power. We all have our problems just some are more obvious than others.

I don't mean to sound un-sympathetic. I haven't told my boss about this because I'm a vegetarian non drinker working in a steak and tequila restaurant and feel like if I can't eat the food or drink the product then he might not like that... But in general I am an open book and tell people about my journey and have received mostly support and admiration.

bunny44

Not taken that way at all! All eyes and points of view are good to keep the awareness up and AV in check!

And thank you Odelle for the 'kindling' link. I hadn't read on that before. It explains a lot.

In fact it gave me a new way to look at this. Instead of being a failure for not being able to be responsible, I can choose to look it as having become allergic to alcohol. I cannot consume it- my body no longer will process it 'normally'. Just like my son who has become allergic to bee stings, or friends who have developed lactose intolerance.

I'm going to let go of the perceived shame and embrace the allergy. Yes, it is a rationalization, but oddly true too

venuscat

Awesome Easyrider!!!!!! Congratulations on 50 days man! Woo Hoo!! Go you!

I love that I come here after a major meltdown and my friend Easyrider is telling us that "it's getting better all the time". Really happy for you Easy, you sound fantastic!! And you cheered me up. And reminded me that music is my salvation...listening to Rihanna sing Stay as I type....

I had a really hard night...nearly didn't make it last night. As in I wanted out, I felt shattered. But I came here, even though it was so so hard to admit to my vulnerability, and received incredible support.

The magnitude of my dark feelings frightened me. I didn't know I could feel this 'bad' anymore. And even after I calmed down, I cried in my sleep and woke up still shaking. Still crying now. Just not beating myself up about it. Just trying to accept that this is just the way it is right now.

Love to you all,

Venus xx

venuscat

Thank you Odelle and Emmie ~ huge hugs!!!!

I'm looking at Venus and telling her a house is just a house, and yes, she does receive and give loads of love. so who cares if she doesn't reside in luxury?

And Bunny ~ I am allergic to garlic. Deathly allergic. Kept thinking I could just have a little bit. Didn't always like to tell people who invited me for dinner because I felt like I was this big inconvenience. I was embarrassed. What? How crazy is that? It took a small spoonful of garlic-ed mashed potatoes that sent me into anaphylactic shock to make me see sense.

Garlic will kill me. So will alcohol. I tell people, and it's very freeing. And it's not my fault....just like it isn't yours. We just react to it badly.

Love you all,

V xx

bunny44

Hey lady, what's going on? Your posts are getting heavier. We are here for you and love you. Feel the loving cyber-embrace~

Starbaby928

Easyrider- congrats on your sober time!!!

Melissa-- I relate to your post... Although I don't sell alcohol, I'm in sales and had a lot of anxiety around not drinking & the impact to my career. I've only been called out by one person... And she thought I might be pregnant... And I had to gently remind her that would be a modern miracle seeing as I don't swing the hetero way. Lol... Stay strong... I remember when you posted about a tequila tasting & I admired your resolve. :-). You're doing it girl! Keep it up!

Dear Venuscat- loads of love from Texas & cyber hugs from me & Gumbo dog!!! Like Bunny said- what's shaking? Talk to us if you need... Stay strong!!!!

I went to a meeting tonight &.... I got a sponsor!!!!!! I'm excited... And I haven't been able to say that in a while. I honestly believe my HP provided when I was ready. She's engaging, kind & seems to have a balanced approach. Hopefully this journey is the start to the rest of my life!

Thanks to each of you for sharing your journey!

SB

SereneEdition

Venus - hugs! You made it through. Feelings can be really RAW right now. It will get easier. Next month will be far easier than the same time this month.

Speaking of months - not to get too personal, but watch out for the first couple of monthly cycles.

EasyRider - congrats on 50! Woot Woot!

Bunny Your family loves you and wants to support you. I remember when my sister came out to me about her alcoholism - I already knew and was worried about her and it was a relief knowing that she was admitting it because it meant that she could start to get help.

Goose - Hearing that you didn't drink made my day. Please come post when your AV starts to act up. Writing down your thoughts and getting feedback will take away it's power.

1step Curious, each time you drink, how much ahead do you 'know' your going to drink - there might be an opportunity to make some changes during that period that won't give you a reason to go to a pub.

Has anyone heard from Pamel lately? I'm worried....

venuscat

Serene ~ It has been a couple of days since Pamel posted....hopefully all is well!!!

Thank you for asking how I am guys, not gonna rehash though....was a very hard night. I posted in Newcomers. I needed help. I'm just not OK right now; life is hard, and I am in early recovery, as you know, as we all are. (hugs) I need to take the advice I have been given and up my meetings and find a sponsor. Which I thought I had done but it didn't work out.

Which gets me to the point of Way To Go Starbaby!!! Awesome!! Agree that God put the right person in your path at the right time

Please thank Gumbo for the hug; dog hugs are the very best.

Have been in SR all day....7 plus hours....wo. Hope you are all doing well today/tonight...

Love u lots,

V xx

PS Where is Dee today? Not like him to be absent for this long....hmm.
Love to you Dee.

Odelle

Hi Venus - Hang in there, it's got to get better...that's what I'm banking on! I hear you and empathize, life can be really tough at times, but we do get through these difficult lows and come out stronger in the end.

I was wondering about Dee today also! I hope everything is okay, Dee. Your absense here today has been noticed!

SereneEdition

Glad you're here Venus [HUG]x[HUG]

1stepup

Hi everyone, SerineEdition, I know a few hours before a drink that its going to happen, I need to change things, thinking of calling my former sponsor, can relate to you bunny- feel in a way that ive failed by not beating this on my own. Got into the gym stuff obsessively lately- I just cant seem to find a happy medium in my life that others around me seem to have- im unhappy sober and more so when I drink, feel lonely.

Sorry you were feeling down last night Venus, I know for a fact that drinking on these feelings make them worse never better, im in a bad place right now, hope you find the strength to come through.

venuscat

huge hug 1stepup ~ I'm here, not going anywhere. Kind of like the stuff Serene said; I knew I was in trouble before it was gonna happen, so I reached out. And I got the help I needed to get me through.

So maybe calling your old sponsor is a good idea? Someone you can call when you feel you are in trouble. As i was told A LOT last night: this too shall pass. We have to get through this stuff to get to the other side, you know?

And we will keep on doing it together.

Love you lots,

Venus xx

1stepup

Thanks Venus, good to know im not alone in all this. Think I have been trying to run before I can walk to be honest, this quest we are on is HUGE and can never be taken likely, its so easy to slip but much harder to get back up. x

venuscat

I have all sorts of images in my head about a mountain, and all of us, climbing it.

Sometimes we slip, sometimes we fall a little of the ways down...and it hurts. And yes, 1stepup, it's hard to get back up.

But you're right, this is a huge quest WE are on, so we're not alone. We have each other to hold onto when we slide down. We help each other to get back up.

We are a team. And we won't let anyone fall. As long as we all hold on to each other, we can get there!!!

Love and hugs,

V xx

Odelle

1stepup, et al. – you really drove this home, this is a HUGE quest; we are learning to live life on life’s terms (or God’s), not ours. Perhaps the reason my resolve is so strong today is due to my fall last summer. For the record, it really left me dazed and confused! I came to full terms with the fact that I can’t drink, period. Please build strength from your mistakes, FORGIVE YOURSELF and move on. Instead of dwelling on the negative, take a look at the fact that you were able to build sobriety time before this last slip. You do have the strength and determination to conquer this addiction. Believe in yourself! It is the self-doubt that the AV preys on. The loneliness you are experiencing is the internal turmoil of you letting go of a life you are familiar with for the promise of a better life, yet one that is foreign to you. Once you spend some time in this new life, you will acclimate and find your internal peace and harmony. As so many others have said before, don’t quit before the miracle happens!

Venus, thank you for sharing your journey, good, bad and ugly. You reaching out to the forum in your darkest hour is the why we are here. Sometimes we lose the strength to take the next step and we need the encouragement, love and support of others to lean on. As an observer, I witnessed the outpour of love and support that you received; what a beautiful revelation!

Goose1

I'm thinking everything we deal with like this Sobriety thing is about "attitude." Attitude determines Altitude. Even if situations have got us down, we can change it with our approach. Our attitude is such a little thing that makes a big difference. You know everyday may not be good, but there is something good in everyday. Like Sobriety. If we don't get everything we want, think of the things we don't get that we don't want. Like a DUI, a hangover, anxiety, depression, etc. For me, in reality getting drunk was twice as much work as it is to stay Sober. When I was preparing to drink, I would literally puke my guts, such a feeling of hopelessnes. Pure misery! Now I have hope. We should look at every situation as an opportunity to prove our strength. Smile at it...Stay Sober my friends. DAY 52 in Goose's World