Class of February 2013 - part 6
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 1,634
Odelle - congrats on 60!
Artica - good to hear from you!
Melissa - I'm with you on PAWS. I felt my mind slipping while I was drinking, so now it's like I get moments of clarity and moments of weird mental blot outs.
Today I was trying to find a room at a conference and walked into the same wrong room 3 times, one right after the other. Knowing that it's PAWs lets me laugh at it rather than think that I've lost my mind!
Artica - good to hear from you!
Melissa - I'm with you on PAWS. I felt my mind slipping while I was drinking, so now it's like I get moments of clarity and moments of weird mental blot outs.
Today I was trying to find a room at a conference and walked into the same wrong room 3 times, one right after the other. Knowing that it's PAWs lets me laugh at it rather than think that I've lost my mind!
Sober birthday 2/7/13
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Los Angeles, California
Posts: 119
Hello everyone, checking in on the eve of 2 months sober!
Just finished my last crazy weeks of work, and will hit a slow spot for a while until I get another gig. So happy to know we have most of our group still posting regularly. It looks like we are all hitting the lull after the newness has worn off.
I have been having bad moments lately. I consider that a huge victory though. Not bad days, just a couple minutes here and there. Like
-Brain fog and drifting off in conversations. Then trying to catch up with decisions.
-Moderating- The new game in my head.
-Family coming to visit in a week. Mom, Dad, Brother. They know I drink- heavily. Do I tell them the truth? Is being afraid to say "I gave up drinking" admitting I am not sure I have really given it up? What if I tell them I have stopped and we have a great time then a year from now we see each other and I have fallen off the wagon- What hope in my mother have I created then crushed.
-SCREAMING inside my head that I can't worry about that now. I'm not even drinking today and these issues may never amount to anything.
So I think I need to get a 'good things' list going, as a couple of you fine friends have done...
-Coming home from work and not even thinking of hitting the store to get some alcohol on the way home.
-When I do get groceries, not feeling guilty or hiding form the booze section.
-Talking to people at work and wondering if I need a mint to cover my coffee breath- then smiling to myself knowing I didn't need a mint to cover my alcohol breath!
-Having my son plan visits with his friends and knowing I will be sober and clear-headed she I drive them home.
-Saving all that money! Then spending some of it on fresh flowers as my happy perk.
-I'm sleeping soundly.
-I had medical issues recently and didn't have to lie or worry about my bloodwork.
-If I forgot something, I forgot it. No more shame in case I forgot it because I was drunk at the time.
Lordy this list could go on. Anyone else want to jump in?
Just finished my last crazy weeks of work, and will hit a slow spot for a while until I get another gig. So happy to know we have most of our group still posting regularly. It looks like we are all hitting the lull after the newness has worn off.
I have been having bad moments lately. I consider that a huge victory though. Not bad days, just a couple minutes here and there. Like
-Brain fog and drifting off in conversations. Then trying to catch up with decisions.
-Moderating- The new game in my head.
-Family coming to visit in a week. Mom, Dad, Brother. They know I drink- heavily. Do I tell them the truth? Is being afraid to say "I gave up drinking" admitting I am not sure I have really given it up? What if I tell them I have stopped and we have a great time then a year from now we see each other and I have fallen off the wagon- What hope in my mother have I created then crushed.
-SCREAMING inside my head that I can't worry about that now. I'm not even drinking today and these issues may never amount to anything.
So I think I need to get a 'good things' list going, as a couple of you fine friends have done...
-Coming home from work and not even thinking of hitting the store to get some alcohol on the way home.
-When I do get groceries, not feeling guilty or hiding form the booze section.
-Talking to people at work and wondering if I need a mint to cover my coffee breath- then smiling to myself knowing I didn't need a mint to cover my alcohol breath!
-Having my son plan visits with his friends and knowing I will be sober and clear-headed she I drive them home.
-Saving all that money! Then spending some of it on fresh flowers as my happy perk.
-I'm sleeping soundly.
-I had medical issues recently and didn't have to lie or worry about my bloodwork.
-If I forgot something, I forgot it. No more shame in case I forgot it because I was drunk at the time.
Lordy this list could go on. Anyone else want to jump in?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: California
Posts: 2,643
Hi Bunny, I think you’ve covered all my perks, maybe adding:
• Not overreacting to minor setbacks
• Sleeping soundly (a good repeat!)
• Being secure in knowing that I can run a last minute errand without worrying about driving under the influence
• Enjoyment in blaming the forgetfulness on PAWS (takes the pressure off of being age related, lol)
• Improved relationships, especially on the home front!
Thank you for bringing these sobriety benefits to mind, I just finished filing our taxes and a positive message was just what I needed tonight!
• Not overreacting to minor setbacks
• Sleeping soundly (a good repeat!)
• Being secure in knowing that I can run a last minute errand without worrying about driving under the influence
• Enjoyment in blaming the forgetfulness on PAWS (takes the pressure off of being age related, lol)
• Improved relationships, especially on the home front!
Thank you for bringing these sobriety benefits to mind, I just finished filing our taxes and a positive message was just what I needed tonight!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Arizona
Posts: 494
Originally Posted by bunny44 
-Family coming to visit in a week. Mom, Dad, Brother. They know I drink- heavily. Do I tell them the truth? Is being afraid to say "I gave up drinking" admitting I am not sure I have really given it up? What if I tell them I have stopped and we have a great time then a year from now we see each other and I have fallen off the wagon- What hope in my mother have I created then crushed.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Arizona
Posts: 494
The sober good list
- not blacking out and having to face my coworkers the next day having no idea what bad things I did.
- not puking my guts out on the regular
- not consuming 1000's of empty calories a week
- never ever driving drunk again
The bad list
- I miss the escape
- missing social events to avoid alcohol
- being around drunk people sucks
- feeling on the outside of society, abnormal
- not blacking out and having to face my coworkers the next day having no idea what bad things I did.
- not puking my guts out on the regular
- not consuming 1000's of empty calories a week
- never ever driving drunk again
The bad list
- I miss the escape
- missing social events to avoid alcohol
- being around drunk people sucks
- feeling on the outside of society, abnormal
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: UK
Posts: 494
Originally Posted by melissa6381
The sober good list
- not blacking out and having to face my coworkers the next day having no idea what bad things I did.
- not puking my guts out on the regular
- not consuming 1000's of empty calories a week
- never ever driving drunk again
The bad list
- I miss the escape
- missing social events to avoid alcohol
- being around drunk people sucks
- feeling on the outside of society, abnormal
- not blacking out and having to face my coworkers the next day having no idea what bad things I did.
- not puking my guts out on the regular
- not consuming 1000's of empty calories a week
- never ever driving drunk again
The bad list
- I miss the escape
- missing social events to avoid alcohol
- being around drunk people sucks
- feeling on the outside of society, abnormal
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Arizona
Posts: 494
Originally Posted by Easyrider
interesting last one, when I was getting plastered by myself every night I'd say I felt very much outside society and abnormal ;-)
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Houston, Tx
Posts: 278
Howdy Y'all!
Well- I made it out of bed today... Sober day 45 for me. I'm back in the meeting saddle this evening for sure. And- I need to ensure I'm out of the office in time to get my butt in that chair every evening. That's my commitment to myself this week.
Last night, I was texting with a dear friend in the midst of what, quite frankly, was a bad bout of loneliness. This person was kvetching to me about needing a little space from their very small children & hubby. As I was reading these texts I sort of threw up my hands and thought... Be grateful for all that you have!!! My alcoholism cost me the chance at building a family with the person I loved most....For the record, I will add this person is an AMAZING wife & mother... And then I sat upright and thought- geez SB... YOU need to listen to YOUR own advice.
Did I push away the woman I loved dearly? Yes. Will my life be what I thought it will be? No... At least not in the immediate future and probably not with her. BUT- I'm sober, I have a dog that adores me... So, I'm really rarely truly alone. I'm healthy... I have a great career... I am working towards rebuilding more positive, honest relationships with my family... So on & so forth... Did I mention I'm SOBER? 😃
Reading Melissa's lists helped tremendously in that moment... I'm not where I thought I'd be... But in the grand scheme of things... I don't have it bad... At all. I need to be grateful for what I have and trust that as I continue to grow spiritually and in my sobriety, life will work itself out.
I wish y'all a blessed & sober week!
SB
PS- Venus... Is that your kitty??? Too cute! 😺
Well- I made it out of bed today... Sober day 45 for me. I'm back in the meeting saddle this evening for sure. And- I need to ensure I'm out of the office in time to get my butt in that chair every evening. That's my commitment to myself this week.
Last night, I was texting with a dear friend in the midst of what, quite frankly, was a bad bout of loneliness. This person was kvetching to me about needing a little space from their very small children & hubby. As I was reading these texts I sort of threw up my hands and thought... Be grateful for all that you have!!! My alcoholism cost me the chance at building a family with the person I loved most....For the record, I will add this person is an AMAZING wife & mother... And then I sat upright and thought- geez SB... YOU need to listen to YOUR own advice.
Did I push away the woman I loved dearly? Yes. Will my life be what I thought it will be? No... At least not in the immediate future and probably not with her. BUT- I'm sober, I have a dog that adores me... So, I'm really rarely truly alone. I'm healthy... I have a great career... I am working towards rebuilding more positive, honest relationships with my family... So on & so forth... Did I mention I'm SOBER? 😃
Reading Melissa's lists helped tremendously in that moment... I'm not where I thought I'd be... But in the grand scheme of things... I don't have it bad... At all. I need to be grateful for what I have and trust that as I continue to grow spiritually and in my sobriety, life will work itself out.
I wish y'all a blessed & sober week!
SB
PS- Venus... Is that your kitty??? Too cute! 😺
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: "In Every Climb and Place"
Posts: 549
Hello everyone - its been a few days for me. My last entry I mentioned I was feeling like I deserved a drink because I felt I had put in some good work in Sobriety. Last Thursday and Friday my "AV" was working overtime. I feel real bad about this and it really hurts. On Thursday evening I researched a site on moderation management. Crazy, I was even planning when and how many I could drink. And the occasions when I wouldn't drink. To the "T" a thousand things were going through my mind about drinking. I even thought about and posed the question to myself, would a non-alcoholic actually plan this way. Well, on Friday morning out the door I told my wife of my planning. And with a face that made me melt, she said "No Tom, it sounds like your setting yourself up" And I agreed. When we get real, its not hard to distinguish the truth from the lie. I read some of your last entries about sobriety times ("Congrats") and those times where some of you use to drink (and made it through). That's what I'm going through right now. I can't deny it, my AV wants some wine with a cigar and a beer at the match. But somehow - someway there has been an intervention of a higher power in my being that has not allowed me to pick up. It hurt me when my wife said what she said, that I didn't want to hurt her. So - I'm at 50 days today. Seeing the light, enjoying the beautiful weather, working with a clear head is something I really, not having the hangover and its anxiety is something I really cherish. I'm sure you all can relate, sometimes everything is really hard to "self" explain. I really feel and I have said it before, we become at risk when we are not working our Sobriety. There "AV" now "that felt good." Love you gals and guys. Stay Sober amigas and amigos.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 1,467
Sorry guys I slipped up yesterday, managed to stay sober today, but the shame and disappointment I have in myself is immense.
Had my girls on Friday, so had a weekend to myself. Think its been building up in the last few days. Did a three hour weights session yesterday morning, and had a bet on the grand national (horserace), I decided at the last minute to watch it out in a pub. When I was walking there I actually stopped and started walking home but then the AV in my head convinced me to turn around and head for the pub, the crazy insane thing with this illness is knowing the stress and harm it causes but I still chose to do it.
I had one Guinness in the pub I watched the race in and then left, was fighting it even then but once the poison is in my system it becomes a compulsion had another couple in another pub and in my head I was thinking 'well ive blown it now, I may as well carry on'.
The last pub I can remember had a drinks offer on lager so I drank that, I played pool and lost count of how many I had, a band came on, the last thing I can remember was speaking to a woman but its hazy. Blacked out then, was told by the relative I live with that I came in at 2.45am and I have no recollection of about five hours- how scary is that? Found a phone number in my pocket, presuming it was the woman I was talking to, I texted them but have had no reply, I probably made an idiot of myself, I honestly cant remember getting home.
Been in bed most of day haven't eaten but drank loads of water. WHY oh Why do I do this to myself? Sorry for letting you all down, but please stay strong and don't drink like I did it honestly is not worth it.
Had my girls on Friday, so had a weekend to myself. Think its been building up in the last few days. Did a three hour weights session yesterday morning, and had a bet on the grand national (horserace), I decided at the last minute to watch it out in a pub. When I was walking there I actually stopped and started walking home but then the AV in my head convinced me to turn around and head for the pub, the crazy insane thing with this illness is knowing the stress and harm it causes but I still chose to do it.
I had one Guinness in the pub I watched the race in and then left, was fighting it even then but once the poison is in my system it becomes a compulsion had another couple in another pub and in my head I was thinking 'well ive blown it now, I may as well carry on'.
The last pub I can remember had a drinks offer on lager so I drank that, I played pool and lost count of how many I had, a band came on, the last thing I can remember was speaking to a woman but its hazy. Blacked out then, was told by the relative I live with that I came in at 2.45am and I have no recollection of about five hours- how scary is that? Found a phone number in my pocket, presuming it was the woman I was talking to, I texted them but have had no reply, I probably made an idiot of myself, I honestly cant remember getting home.
Been in bed most of day haven't eaten but drank loads of water. WHY oh Why do I do this to myself? Sorry for letting you all down, but please stay strong and don't drink like I did it honestly is not worth it.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: "In Every Climb and Place"
Posts: 549
Originally Posted by Mainza
I feel good and am very happy with my decision. I am running my first half marathon tomorrow! I will have a lot more free time when the summer comes and my hope is to be more active on here. It is very important to give back to this community and to give others support.
Mainza
Mainza
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: "In Every Climb and Place"
Posts: 549
Originally Posted by 1stepup
When I was going to matches with mates in the past though, the drink became much more important than the game- I remember going to the bar at the ground during the game and downing as mush as I could- more often than not id miss a goal, but nothing else matters once its in our system the obsession for the next drink consumes me and it wrecks the whole event. Its good for me to keep remembering this and other things that went out of the window once alcohol was in the equation.
Went to USA holiday to New York, New Jersey, Philadelphia, Atlantic City and Las Vegas (all in 2 weeks), about six years ago and went with a mate, he'd set up loads of stuff for us to do sightseeing etc I put up with it in New York for a few days but I remember feeling angry at my mate for not wanting to go in the bars and meet the 'real' americans- people like me, drinkers. In the end we did our own thing- him seeing the tourist stuff, me seeing pub wallpaper! It was a real struggle to get to airports, bus stations etc feeling hungover, by the time I hit Vegas I hardly left the hotel I was in just drinking at the bar all day and night- alcohol once again consumed me. I convinced myself that it was my mates fault for booking too many places to visit in the time we had, so I drank and drank and drank. Cost me thousands to go and I wasted the chance of a lifetime.
Anyway had a better day today, had my two girls, so it was well worth staying sober at the football. Feel relieved and happy to be sober tonight- I know il have laughs and banter in the future just this time il be sober and remember them more.
Thank you all for being here- you all understand this 'thing' we've got to live with. But least we're all starting to really live now not just exist.
Goodnight friends.
Went to USA holiday to New York, New Jersey, Philadelphia, Atlantic City and Las Vegas (all in 2 weeks), about six years ago and went with a mate, he'd set up loads of stuff for us to do sightseeing etc I put up with it in New York for a few days but I remember feeling angry at my mate for not wanting to go in the bars and meet the 'real' americans- people like me, drinkers. In the end we did our own thing- him seeing the tourist stuff, me seeing pub wallpaper! It was a real struggle to get to airports, bus stations etc feeling hungover, by the time I hit Vegas I hardly left the hotel I was in just drinking at the bar all day and night- alcohol once again consumed me. I convinced myself that it was my mates fault for booking too many places to visit in the time we had, so I drank and drank and drank. Cost me thousands to go and I wasted the chance of a lifetime.
Anyway had a better day today, had my two girls, so it was well worth staying sober at the football. Feel relieved and happy to be sober tonight- I know il have laughs and banter in the future just this time il be sober and remember them more.
Thank you all for being here- you all understand this 'thing' we've got to live with. But least we're all starting to really live now not just exist.
Goodnight friends.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: "In Every Climb and Place"
Posts: 549
Originally Posted by 1stepup
Sorry guys I slipped up yesterday, managed to stay sober today, but the shame and disappointment I have in myself is immense.
Had my girls on Friday, so had a weekend to myself. Think its been building up in the last few days. Did a three hour weights session yesterday morning, and had a bet on the grand national (horserace), I decided at the last minute to watch it out in a pub. When I was walking there I actually stopped and started walking home but then the AV in my head convinced me to turn around and head for the pub, the crazy insane thing with this illness is knowing the stress and harm it causes but I still chose to do it.
I had one Guinness in the pub I watched the race in and then left, was fighting it even then but once the poison is in my system it becomes a compulsion had another couple in another pub and in my head I was thinking 'well ive blown it now, I may as well carry on'.
The last pub I can remember had a drinks offer on lager so I drank that, I played pool and lost count of how many I had, a band came on, the last thing I can remember was speaking to a woman but its hazy. Blacked out then, was told by the relative I live with that I came in at 2.45am and I have no recollection of about five hours- how scary is that? Found a phone number in my pocket, presuming it was the woman I was talking to, I texted them but have had no reply, I probably made an idiot of myself, I honestly cant remember getting home.
Been in bed most of day haven't eaten but drank loads of water. WHY oh Why do I do this to myself? Sorry for letting you all down, but please stay strong and don't drink like I did it honestly is not worth it.
Had my girls on Friday, so had a weekend to myself. Think its been building up in the last few days. Did a three hour weights session yesterday morning, and had a bet on the grand national (horserace), I decided at the last minute to watch it out in a pub. When I was walking there I actually stopped and started walking home but then the AV in my head convinced me to turn around and head for the pub, the crazy insane thing with this illness is knowing the stress and harm it causes but I still chose to do it.
I had one Guinness in the pub I watched the race in and then left, was fighting it even then but once the poison is in my system it becomes a compulsion had another couple in another pub and in my head I was thinking 'well ive blown it now, I may as well carry on'.
The last pub I can remember had a drinks offer on lager so I drank that, I played pool and lost count of how many I had, a band came on, the last thing I can remember was speaking to a woman but its hazy. Blacked out then, was told by the relative I live with that I came in at 2.45am and I have no recollection of about five hours- how scary is that? Found a phone number in my pocket, presuming it was the woman I was talking to, I texted them but have had no reply, I probably made an idiot of myself, I honestly cant remember getting home.
Been in bed most of day haven't eaten but drank loads of water. WHY oh Why do I do this to myself? Sorry for letting you all down, but please stay strong and don't drink like I did it honestly is not worth it.
Never give up the battle to be free. Stay Sober my friend.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: German Village, Columbus with my love ♥
Posts: 88,495
1stepup ~ big hug to you. No matter how awful you feel, please don't give up. You have all of our support...and as Dee said, maybe it would be helpful to have a little extra support?
Star, your post was very meaningful to me. Thank you. I am sitting here feeling sorry for myself with regards to how hard my life is. I'm jealous of everyone who has a career, a home, a partner. Pathetic, huh?
But things can and will get better; it won't always be this hard. Because as you said, I am sober! ! Congratulations on another wonderful milestone day! ! ! And big hug to you. Yes, that is my lovely Venus
Star, your post was very meaningful to me. Thank you. I am sitting here feeling sorry for myself with regards to how hard my life is. I'm jealous of everyone who has a career, a home, a partner. Pathetic, huh?
But things can and will get better; it won't always be this hard. Because as you said, I am sober! ! Congratulations on another wonderful milestone day! ! ! And big hug to you. Yes, that is my lovely Venus
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Houston, Tx
Posts: 278
Goose- great to hear from you... Awesome work identifying & shutting down your AV. It can be a slippery sucker, right? But there is so much on the line for us...
1StepUp- I appreciate your openness & honesty... Hugs from me as well!!! We're all cheering you on & I know you can do this. I too echo Dee's sentiment. I know how much the few people I've connected with locally help. And, of course, our little family is invaluable as well.
Venus- I don't think that's pathetic at all. For me, I recognize my addiction is deeply rooted in not being comfortable where I am... Just me... In this moment. You know? I have to make an effort to acknowledge that I have amazing people & things in my life even when I don't have what I want... Who knows, maybe I'll get those things & maybe I never will. But I'm starting to let go and trust more & more that I'm where I'm supposed to be... :-D
Night guys & dolls! Have a great week!
SB
1StepUp- I appreciate your openness & honesty... Hugs from me as well!!! We're all cheering you on & I know you can do this. I too echo Dee's sentiment. I know how much the few people I've connected with locally help. And, of course, our little family is invaluable as well.
Venus- I don't think that's pathetic at all. For me, I recognize my addiction is deeply rooted in not being comfortable where I am... Just me... In this moment. You know? I have to make an effort to acknowledge that I have amazing people & things in my life even when I don't have what I want... Who knows, maybe I'll get those things & maybe I never will. But I'm starting to let go and trust more & more that I'm where I'm supposed to be... :-D
Night guys & dolls! Have a great week!
SB
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: California
Posts: 2,643
1stepup, I’m sorry you slipped, but I’m also glad that you manned up to it and have reaffirmed the fact that it just wasn’t worth it! Even if you had a good time, you certainly don’t remember it; just another wasted day feeling like s**t. Okay, now that you got that out of your system, back in the saddle for you! Attached is a link to a thread that discusses the “kindling effect” in relapses and withdrawals – http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...lly-again.html
Not that you will go into withdrawals after a one-day slip, just some more ammunition for you to put in your arsenal for combating future AV temptations. I know I am grabbing onto every ounce of education/information I can absorb to prevent having to start over again. Like it or not, you’re stuck with this group! Also, no apology needed, I think we all have been there a few times (or 100s) before. Hope you are feeling better soon!
Not that you will go into withdrawals after a one-day slip, just some more ammunition for you to put in your arsenal for combating future AV temptations. I know I am grabbing onto every ounce of education/information I can absorb to prevent having to start over again. Like it or not, you’re stuck with this group! Also, no apology needed, I think we all have been there a few times (or 100s) before. Hope you are feeling better soon!
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