Class of May 2012 part 19
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: South East England
Posts: 8,009
I can't pretend I know the answers for you Sassy. I only know that I came very close to drinking myself last weekend. I felt despair at not being able to handle my emotions like I felt I should. After 10 months, shouldn't I be feeling more solid in my sobriety? So, I reached out to anyone who would listen. I talked and typed it all out, and that horrible feeling passed for me.
I still have lots of unresolved issues, I never sleep through the night, I can't handle conflict very well, I continually doubt myself, I'm over-sensitive to what I think others think of me, I have flashbacks, I frequently feel overwhelmed....... But I also have the best relationship I've ever had with my kids, me and H have a proper relationship for the first time in our marriage in that we resolve issues rather than drink them away, I've come to terms with my dysfunctional family and have removed myself emotionally from them, I no longer feel as though life is hopeless, I don't have blackouts, I don't feel shame.
Weighing all that up, I think I'm doing pretty well.
Don't get buried in that hopeless feeling. You can do this. You are a work in progress.
Sharing is a big part of that for me. This is a recovery website, it's built on the sharing of experiences. Self-pity doesn't come into it. We don't need to pretend we're ok if we're not. Just say it how it is, there will always be someone here to listen xxx
I still have lots of unresolved issues, I never sleep through the night, I can't handle conflict very well, I continually doubt myself, I'm over-sensitive to what I think others think of me, I have flashbacks, I frequently feel overwhelmed....... But I also have the best relationship I've ever had with my kids, me and H have a proper relationship for the first time in our marriage in that we resolve issues rather than drink them away, I've come to terms with my dysfunctional family and have removed myself emotionally from them, I no longer feel as though life is hopeless, I don't have blackouts, I don't feel shame.
Weighing all that up, I think I'm doing pretty well.
Don't get buried in that hopeless feeling. You can do this. You are a work in progress.
Sharing is a big part of that for me. This is a recovery website, it's built on the sharing of experiences. Self-pity doesn't come into it. We don't need to pretend we're ok if we're not. Just say it how it is, there will always be someone here to listen xxx
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: South East England
Posts: 8,009
I feel the progress, but never forget the part YOU have played in that. I will NEVER forget your PMs that helped me move forward into therapy. You help me, I help you, we all help each other.....
And THAT'S the reason why this May class is fantastically, spiffingly, breathtakingly BRILLIANT!!!
And THAT'S the reason why this May class is fantastically, spiffingly, breathtakingly BRILLIANT!!!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 2,308
Welcome to our litter Aviva!
Hi to everyone - I've been troubleshooting an internet problem at home and finally got it fixed! It is going to hurt my pocketbook though, ouch....A couple of doozies for kittycat in the last week. Cracked glass on iPad and now broken Wi-Fi router...boo hoo. But I'll survive.
Work is stressful, we are having layoffs and it's expected to be bad. I tell myself to try to keep my head above water and then find myself talking about it with so-and-so and etc. I need to stay on task and do whatever it takes to not get caught up in the gossip, it is going to happen regardless and worrying about it does me no good.
I am not sure I should throw in an opinion about the conversation that Sas & Dee were having - but I can say that for me, the strategy of taking drink off the table as an option is what i have to do and what works for my sobriety. Even if I crave it, even if I think I "deserve" it, even if I think "just one won't hurt", even if every person in my life is a boozehound and I'm feeling like the only person on this Earth that doesn't drink beer, alcohol + kittycat = disaster.... and when I relapse that is the equation I have forgotten.
I've never thought of anyone here being unsupportive of relapse, though. We each have our own journeys to travel. We all provide advice for what has worked for us, but I think if something doesn't sound "right" to me, I leave it here on the page and assume that it came from a place of love.
Proud of you OLL for going to see a therapist. And proud of you Bloss, Tanja, Jeni, FP, Rock, WeHav, Shock, Lee, SJD, Em, Dee, and I'm sure I'm forgetting someone so all of us May peeps...we are doing this!! Hurrah!!
Also Jeni I had to laugh at your comment about "mad as hell" and you sounding like an American...I've had more than one friend laugh at me when I've gone and said "at the mo..." so it goes both ways sista!!! I really love language and learning British ways of phrasing things from you. SJD and Dee you should show more of your Aussie-ness You people down under have some hilarious slang, if you don't mind my sayin'.
xoxo
Hi to everyone - I've been troubleshooting an internet problem at home and finally got it fixed! It is going to hurt my pocketbook though, ouch....A couple of doozies for kittycat in the last week. Cracked glass on iPad and now broken Wi-Fi router...boo hoo. But I'll survive.
Work is stressful, we are having layoffs and it's expected to be bad. I tell myself to try to keep my head above water and then find myself talking about it with so-and-so and etc. I need to stay on task and do whatever it takes to not get caught up in the gossip, it is going to happen regardless and worrying about it does me no good.
I am not sure I should throw in an opinion about the conversation that Sas & Dee were having - but I can say that for me, the strategy of taking drink off the table as an option is what i have to do and what works for my sobriety. Even if I crave it, even if I think I "deserve" it, even if I think "just one won't hurt", even if every person in my life is a boozehound and I'm feeling like the only person on this Earth that doesn't drink beer, alcohol + kittycat = disaster.... and when I relapse that is the equation I have forgotten.
I've never thought of anyone here being unsupportive of relapse, though. We each have our own journeys to travel. We all provide advice for what has worked for us, but I think if something doesn't sound "right" to me, I leave it here on the page and assume that it came from a place of love.
Proud of you OLL for going to see a therapist. And proud of you Bloss, Tanja, Jeni, FP, Rock, WeHav, Shock, Lee, SJD, Em, Dee, and I'm sure I'm forgetting someone so all of us May peeps...we are doing this!! Hurrah!!
Also Jeni I had to laugh at your comment about "mad as hell" and you sounding like an American...I've had more than one friend laugh at me when I've gone and said "at the mo..." so it goes both ways sista!!! I really love language and learning British ways of phrasing things from you. SJD and Dee you should show more of your Aussie-ness
You people down under have some hilarious slang, if you don't mind my sayin'.xoxo
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: springfield, va
Posts: 1,385
Bloss - I so appreciated your honest share. It is so true that one person's concept of contented sobriety may vary from another. I too grew up in an abusive home and then an abusive marriage. Your words touched me and lifted me
Welcome Aviva and Congratulations on 10 months of sobriety
Sas - Thank you as always for your kindness, wisdom and support. I too find that I can easily get addicted to other things. I think it is understandable because we are trying to get some level of comfort in our lives. I too can relate to frustration tolerance. I can get very frustrated with the whole insomnia/panic attack thing and call myself names and put myself down. But, just because I am having a bady today doesn't mean that tomorrow won't be better.
Jeni - I knew you would do well with your presentation. I too have some of the same feelings that you do; self-doubt and feeling overwhelmed. From where I sit, you are doing marvelously! You are always loving, kind and inspirational.
Having SR is such a blessing. To know that others struggle with the same issues, problems and feelings. To have such an incredible amount of love is just such a blessing. Thank you all for being such a great group of loving, wise and emphathetic grouf of people
Welcome Aviva and Congratulations on 10 months of sobriety
Sas - Thank you as always for your kindness, wisdom and support. I too find that I can easily get addicted to other things. I think it is understandable because we are trying to get some level of comfort in our lives. I too can relate to frustration tolerance. I can get very frustrated with the whole insomnia/panic attack thing and call myself names and put myself down. But, just because I am having a bady today doesn't mean that tomorrow won't be better.
Jeni - I knew you would do well with your presentation. I too have some of the same feelings that you do; self-doubt and feeling overwhelmed. From where I sit, you are doing marvelously! You are always loving, kind and inspirational.
Having SR is such a blessing. To know that others struggle with the same issues, problems and feelings. To have such an incredible amount of love is just such a blessing. Thank you all for being such a great group of loving, wise and emphathetic grouf of people
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: US East Coast
Posts: 14,286
Hey Kitty,
I won't beat this subject to death .... I totally agree with Dee about taking drinking off the table as an option. You won't get any argument from me on that. What I have a problem with is the assumption that if someone slips, it means that they haven't done that. I am so very close but chose to back off just slightly for a very short time while I work with my therapist to figure out how to handle my specific situation. I've seen many, many posts about people eating more for at least awhile after stopping alcohol. For me, health-wise, eating too much is equally as lethal as drinking too much. Either one will lead to liver failure in a fairly short amount of time. So I need to juggle these two very important factors. I cannot just take eating off the table! So I have to look for other solutions.
I appreciate that everyone is supportive and means really well! I am determined to get this monkey off my back totally and permanently but that won't do any good if I end up in liver failure from eating too much!
Sassy
I won't beat this subject to death .... I totally agree with Dee about taking drinking off the table as an option. You won't get any argument from me on that. What I have a problem with is the assumption that if someone slips, it means that they haven't done that. I am so very close but chose to back off just slightly for a very short time while I work with my therapist to figure out how to handle my specific situation. I've seen many, many posts about people eating more for at least awhile after stopping alcohol. For me, health-wise, eating too much is equally as lethal as drinking too much. Either one will lead to liver failure in a fairly short amount of time. So I need to juggle these two very important factors. I cannot just take eating off the table! So I have to look for other solutions.
I appreciate that everyone is supportive and means really well! I am determined to get this monkey off my back totally and permanently but that won't do any good if I end up in liver failure from eating too much!
Sassy
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: ohio
Posts: 3,615
my favorite thing is how we all agree to be dysfunctional!
and the best part is that we support each other in whatever ways we can along the way. thanks, may mates!
welcome to our crazy, happy bunch, aviva!
take care, wehav
and the best part is that we support each other in whatever ways we can along the way. thanks, may mates!
welcome to our crazy, happy bunch, aviva!
take care, wehav
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: South East England
Posts: 8,009
Kitty-sorry to hear of your work stress, sounds really difficult, but my word, how grown up you sound. You rock!!! (Another American expression!!)
And, I have to laugh at you using the expression 'at the mo'. I didn't realise its just us mad Brits that say that!
Last day at work ahead. Can't wait til I'm home tonight.
Where's Dee???
Have a good sober day everyone xxxxxxx
And, I have to laugh at you using the expression 'at the mo'. I didn't realise its just us mad Brits that say that!
Last day at work ahead. Can't wait til I'm home tonight.
Where's Dee???
Have a good sober day everyone xxxxxxx
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: London, England
Posts: 724
Hi folks. I've lost track of the days somewhat, but I'll check on that one later. It's been a busy... nine days? Crumbs, I didn't realise it had been that long.
Part of the reason why, well, it's not much of a reason, I haven't been posting so much is that I''m sharing my laptop with my fiance as I need to get the keyboard fixed on his, which means I get less time to do stuff like this.
Counselling is going ok at the moment, which is a big improvement over the end of last week when problems with the DLR left me stuck on a train that was going nowhere for what felt like ages, but was probably only ten minutes. Add to that that I was stressed so I missed the turn off and had to turn round. I got there late, then had to wait when I got there. After filling in a wholebuncha forms and being told not to turn up if I'd been drinking, it meant the session was short, and ended very much in the middle of stuff. I remembered why I'd been wary about counselling in the past.
But the session this week was a lot better, so that's good. I'm not entirely sure they're right when they say I used to drink to fit in. It makes a certain amount of sense, and maybe there was a time when that was true, but even early on I was drinking on my own. I might have been in the pub, or the student union bar, but if you didn't come over and talk to me... well, that was ok.
But they're right about one thing, I do have rejection issues. And I'm told I'm a chronic people pleaser. That makes sense. It explains a lot, now I think about it. The problem with stepping out of the way for people, for letting them have what they want, is that they start to expect it. And then, when you think they might return the favour, because, hey, you're not asking them to do anything you wouldn't, right? anyway, they call you unreasonable. 'Learn to give and take.' Because all the times you meekly step aside don't count. Maybe if I'd made a big thing about how I'd done it they'd have realised. And, in all honesty, not given a sh1t. Probably have turned it into another way to make my life miserable.
I'd like to say the fear I felt last week has gone. And it has gone down a lot. I've made an appointment to see the doctor, and I'll be arranging for a couple of blood tests. I don't feel ill, and I'm sure I'm fine, but it's better to know than be sure. However they come back I'm prepared. I'm either fine, or I can be treated. Nothing happens by accident in this world, they say, and while I wonder about that at times...
But yes, I can accept the results, and I can live with them. It's in the hands of my higher power, just as it was when I was doing dumb things. I'm not asking her for any favours, because I know that, whatever the result, I'm going to be ok. She's watching over me. And she knows what's best for me, knows what I need. I don't, my life shows me that. Time and again I've made bad choices, stupid choices, said yes when I should have said no.
And it's taken the fears I've had to bring me to the point where I sat on the toilet, broke down, and told my higher power that no, I didn't know what was good for me, and that if she'd only let me know her will for me, I'd do my best to carry it out.
And you know something, the fear is pretty much gone. Funny that, isn't it?
I'm going to make a real effort to get some time to post. And I'm going to try and at least check in to say hi every day. I forget how much I got, and still get from our class of May 2012.
Have a good day folks. Be gentle with yourselves. Life is better today than it was, and a whole lot better than it would have been if nothing had changed, and for that, I am grateful.
Love and Hugs to you all. And may your higher power go with you. x x
Part of the reason why, well, it's not much of a reason, I haven't been posting so much is that I''m sharing my laptop with my fiance as I need to get the keyboard fixed on his, which means I get less time to do stuff like this.
Counselling is going ok at the moment, which is a big improvement over the end of last week when problems with the DLR left me stuck on a train that was going nowhere for what felt like ages, but was probably only ten minutes. Add to that that I was stressed so I missed the turn off and had to turn round. I got there late, then had to wait when I got there. After filling in a wholebuncha forms and being told not to turn up if I'd been drinking, it meant the session was short, and ended very much in the middle of stuff. I remembered why I'd been wary about counselling in the past.
But the session this week was a lot better, so that's good. I'm not entirely sure they're right when they say I used to drink to fit in. It makes a certain amount of sense, and maybe there was a time when that was true, but even early on I was drinking on my own. I might have been in the pub, or the student union bar, but if you didn't come over and talk to me... well, that was ok.
But they're right about one thing, I do have rejection issues. And I'm told I'm a chronic people pleaser. That makes sense. It explains a lot, now I think about it. The problem with stepping out of the way for people, for letting them have what they want, is that they start to expect it. And then, when you think they might return the favour, because, hey, you're not asking them to do anything you wouldn't, right? anyway, they call you unreasonable. 'Learn to give and take.' Because all the times you meekly step aside don't count. Maybe if I'd made a big thing about how I'd done it they'd have realised. And, in all honesty, not given a sh1t. Probably have turned it into another way to make my life miserable.
I'd like to say the fear I felt last week has gone. And it has gone down a lot. I've made an appointment to see the doctor, and I'll be arranging for a couple of blood tests. I don't feel ill, and I'm sure I'm fine, but it's better to know than be sure. However they come back I'm prepared. I'm either fine, or I can be treated. Nothing happens by accident in this world, they say, and while I wonder about that at times...
But yes, I can accept the results, and I can live with them. It's in the hands of my higher power, just as it was when I was doing dumb things. I'm not asking her for any favours, because I know that, whatever the result, I'm going to be ok. She's watching over me. And she knows what's best for me, knows what I need. I don't, my life shows me that. Time and again I've made bad choices, stupid choices, said yes when I should have said no.
And it's taken the fears I've had to bring me to the point where I sat on the toilet, broke down, and told my higher power that no, I didn't know what was good for me, and that if she'd only let me know her will for me, I'd do my best to carry it out.
And you know something, the fear is pretty much gone. Funny that, isn't it?
I'm going to make a real effort to get some time to post. And I'm going to try and at least check in to say hi every day. I forget how much I got, and still get from our class of May 2012.
Have a good day folks. Be gentle with yourselves. Life is better today than it was, and a whole lot better than it would have been if nothing had changed, and for that, I am grateful.
Love and Hugs to you all. And may your higher power go with you. x x
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: US East Coast
Posts: 14,286
Originally Posted by kittycat3 
I hope you are also working with your doctor on this plan too, Sas. I guess anything more I can say sounds like I'm overstepping my bounds so I better not. I care about you and your health.
S
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: US East Coast
Posts: 14,286
Em,
I'm so glad to see you back. I wish you felt better but I believe that will come in time. I think you are stronger than you realize. And yes, I've found that sometimes some people can be real jerks but on average, many don't mean to be jerks. I believe that some of the time our needs and expectations get in the way. That's not to say it's anyone's "fault". Somewhere along the way it seems like most people have gotten busy and stressed out and don't have the time or energy to be the kind of people we'd like them to be.
In any case, I hope your therapy goes well and helps. We all make our share of poor choices and work on making better ones.
(((hugs)))
Sassy
I'm so glad to see you back. I wish you felt better but I believe that will come in time. I think you are stronger than you realize. And yes, I've found that sometimes some people can be real jerks but on average, many don't mean to be jerks. I believe that some of the time our needs and expectations get in the way. That's not to say it's anyone's "fault". Somewhere along the way it seems like most people have gotten busy and stressed out and don't have the time or energy to be the kind of people we'd like them to be.
In any case, I hope your therapy goes well and helps. We all make our share of poor choices and work on making better ones.
(((hugs)))
Sassy
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: US East Coast
Posts: 14,286
I know all of you wonderful Mayans are very caring and sometimes I realize I may not show how much I appreciate it!
As far as handling my health issues, including alcohol, I actually have 4 docs who have been and are fully on-board and helping me get through this in the best way for me. My therapist is also an MD and is part of this gang of four. I feel that I'm very fortunate to be in such capable and caring hands! And then with this terrific group on top of that, I feel immensely blessed!
S
As far as handling my health issues, including alcohol, I actually have 4 docs who have been and are fully on-board and helping me get through this in the best way for me. My therapist is also an MD and is part of this gang of four. I feel that I'm very fortunate to be in such capable and caring hands! And then with this terrific group on top of that, I feel immensely blessed!
S
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: US East Coast
Posts: 14,286
Originally Posted by wehav2day
my favorite thing is how we all agree to be dysfunctional!
and the best part is that we support each other in whatever ways we can along the way. thanks, may mates!
and the best part is that we support each other in whatever ways we can along the way. thanks, may mates!
s
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Aussie
Posts: 382
hey guys. I've been too busy with sober life. Had therapy yesterday and GP appointment today to monitor the side effects from starting the meds.
Just a check in.
Sass In regards to your talk about addiction if it's not alcohol it's something else is so true. I was in a meeting the other day and a member talked about that exact same thing and I realised I do it too. I do it to the internet, to chocolate, to movies, to tv shows, to reading books.
hey guys. I've been too busy with sober life. Had therapy yesterday and GP appointment today to monitor the side effects from starting the meds. I'm having a bad side effect but I don't want to stop the medication because it's working so my GP is letting me monitor it for now.
Just a check in.
Just a check in.
Sass In regards to your talk about addiction if it's not alcohol it's something else is so true. I was in a meeting the other day and a member talked about that exact same thing and I realised I do it too. I do it to the internet, to chocolate, to movies, to tv shows, to reading books.
hey guys. I've been too busy with sober life. Had therapy yesterday and GP appointment today to monitor the side effects from starting the meds. I'm having a bad side effect but I don't want to stop the medication because it's working so my GP is letting me monitor it for now.
Just a check in.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,424
Bloss, thank you so much for opening up to us. Although I'm sorry to hear of your struggles, I feel closer to you by knowing more of your back ground.
Saskia I feel like you're sharing much more about yourself too on top of the great supportive posts you normally do. And I think that's great. The more we can share and vent here, the better off we all are. I know just getting stuff out of my head can be a huge help.
There's been a lot of good discussion here and it's good to hear from everyone!
I am just plugging through another glorious day of work. My sarcasm is not lost in that statement right? I think I'm finally accepting that my job is not my passion. I got into it for the right reasons and if it was actually what and how it is supposed to be, I would have been fine. But the drama and the politics, beyond just the bully issue, really change what my job and career really is. So I'm working on my photography and seeing if I could hopefully turn that into my career. This is my one little life and I think a lot of my internal struggle is not following any dreams, not making the most of my life. And I have started thinking, "We'll what's holding me back? Plenty of people have been successful following their dreams. What make me so incapable of that? Nothing." I've always had an "Is this all there is?" mentality, and I just don't want to accept that it is. I want to pursue all avenues of happiness and there is nothing that says that I can't. I hope I can keep this mentality because it is really refreshing and empowering.
Hope everyone is doing well
Saskia I feel like you're sharing much more about yourself too on top of the great supportive posts you normally do. And I think that's great. The more we can share and vent here, the better off we all are. I know just getting stuff out of my head can be a huge help.
There's been a lot of good discussion here and it's good to hear from everyone!
I am just plugging through another glorious day of work. My sarcasm is not lost in that statement right? I think I'm finally accepting that my job is not my passion. I got into it for the right reasons and if it was actually what and how it is supposed to be, I would have been fine. But the drama and the politics, beyond just the bully issue, really change what my job and career really is. So I'm working on my photography and seeing if I could hopefully turn that into my career. This is my one little life and I think a lot of my internal struggle is not following any dreams, not making the most of my life. And I have started thinking, "We'll what's holding me back? Plenty of people have been successful following their dreams. What make me so incapable of that? Nothing." I've always had an "Is this all there is?" mentality, and I just don't want to accept that it is. I want to pursue all avenues of happiness and there is nothing that says that I can't. I hope I can keep this mentality because it is really refreshing and empowering.
Hope everyone is doing well
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: South East England
Posts: 8,009
Lovely to hear from you Em. Do you know what I got from your post? True acceptance....and a real acknowledgement that you are powerless over alcohol. Steps 1,2 and 3 completed.... I know it's hard but it's also so positive. I'm proud of you xxx
OLL-yes, follow your dreams wherever they may lead you. We only get one chance at this life. We don't want to spend it 'making do'
Wow, what great posts xxx
I've finished work for 2 whole weeks....
Hurrah!
OLL-yes, follow your dreams wherever they may lead you. We only get one chance at this life. We don't want to spend it 'making do'
Wow, what great posts xxx
I've finished work for 2 whole weeks....
Hurrah!
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