Class Of June 2012 Part 3
Run to live... live to run
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Western Maryland
Posts: 1,091
My mom called this morning. They want to take her ovaries out. She has cysts on her ovaries, and they are concerned about cancer. They did a $3300 genetic test that will determine if she has a cancer gene. We are waiting for that test to come back in about 4 weeks. This is really hard for me because i will likely have to go down the same path at some point. Whewwwww
Administrator
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,467
Prayers for you and your mom Britt.
Try not to panic tho - easy to say I know but you don't know what you're dealing with here yet, and you don't know whether you're in the genetic firing line or not anyway...
D
Try not to panic tho - easy to say I know but you don't know what you're dealing with here yet, and you don't know whether you're in the genetic firing line or not anyway...
D
Run to live... live to run
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Western Maryland
Posts: 1,091
Thanks Dee. I'm doing okay. Just stressed. My mom and I seem to have a lot of the same problems with our health. If she has the gene i'm pretty likely to have it myself. I'll see what happens when the test comes back.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 277
four months
Greetings all,
I apologize for having such a long absence from posting here. I had a sudden experience of utter aversion to the amount of time I was spending online (not SR in particular, just the 'Net in general). I've been pretty hardcore about AA but still reading here now and then. I felt like my brain was melting, and between staying sober and AA meetings and taking care of my kids and trying to get some (career) work done, I had to drastically cut back my online activity.
Today I have 125 days. Longest period sober in my life since I was in my teens, and I am now in my forties. I've lost 30 lbs and I'm not exercising especially hard or often. I sleep well and I no longer sweat like a pig. Haven't vomited or retched in what seems like ages. My face no longer looks puffy and red. Sometimes I can even say "looking good" to myself in the mirror instead of "look at you, you piece of ugly, pathological, useless sh*t." My anxiety levels are barely registering. I'm spiritually healthy--no more Faustian bargains for this guy. Also quit the nicotine (the smokeless kind) the past two weeks, which has been BRUTAL. Ugh, horrendous.
I've had a few moments when I was seriously thinking about drinking--I even uncorked a bottle of wine--but my step-work and meditation/prayer, sponsor, helped me get past them. 125 days: One day at a time.... Steps 8 and 9 before me now. So the AA is working, or maybe what is working is just not drinking. I'm learning not to ask those questions. Like the question as to how some of these lucky folks I know manage to keep on enjoying the booze without becoming human wreckage. What's the trick? How is it done? What a useless, irrelevant question for me, yet my alcoholic mind circles around it all too often.
So I keep always before my mind the apocalyptic vision of what having just one drink means for me. Right now, and in those faltering instants when I think I want that drink, I take stock of just how great and healthy and serene I feel, and give up a prayer of gratitude to that Higher Power in the cosmos. Being grateful for what I have in those moments makes the allurements of that "one drink" evaporate. I take a breath instead.
I hope you all stay strong! Have faith, be good to yourselves, keep on doing the next right thing. I am grateful to you all for the strength and support you have been so generous in sharing. I'll try to repay the debt the best I can.
And Britt: my thoughts and prayers are with you and your mother. You are sunshine, you'll be OK!
I apologize for having such a long absence from posting here. I had a sudden experience of utter aversion to the amount of time I was spending online (not SR in particular, just the 'Net in general). I've been pretty hardcore about AA but still reading here now and then. I felt like my brain was melting, and between staying sober and AA meetings and taking care of my kids and trying to get some (career) work done, I had to drastically cut back my online activity.
Today I have 125 days. Longest period sober in my life since I was in my teens, and I am now in my forties. I've lost 30 lbs and I'm not exercising especially hard or often. I sleep well and I no longer sweat like a pig. Haven't vomited or retched in what seems like ages. My face no longer looks puffy and red. Sometimes I can even say "looking good" to myself in the mirror instead of "look at you, you piece of ugly, pathological, useless sh*t." My anxiety levels are barely registering. I'm spiritually healthy--no more Faustian bargains for this guy. Also quit the nicotine (the smokeless kind) the past two weeks, which has been BRUTAL. Ugh, horrendous.
I've had a few moments when I was seriously thinking about drinking--I even uncorked a bottle of wine--but my step-work and meditation/prayer, sponsor, helped me get past them. 125 days: One day at a time.... Steps 8 and 9 before me now. So the AA is working, or maybe what is working is just not drinking. I'm learning not to ask those questions. Like the question as to how some of these lucky folks I know manage to keep on enjoying the booze without becoming human wreckage. What's the trick? How is it done? What a useless, irrelevant question for me, yet my alcoholic mind circles around it all too often.
So I keep always before my mind the apocalyptic vision of what having just one drink means for me. Right now, and in those faltering instants when I think I want that drink, I take stock of just how great and healthy and serene I feel, and give up a prayer of gratitude to that Higher Power in the cosmos. Being grateful for what I have in those moments makes the allurements of that "one drink" evaporate. I take a breath instead.
I hope you all stay strong! Have faith, be good to yourselves, keep on doing the next right thing. I am grateful to you all for the strength and support you have been so generous in sharing. I'll try to repay the debt the best I can.
And Britt: my thoughts and prayers are with you and your mother. You are sunshine, you'll be OK!
Nothing Left to do but Smile.
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 808
Hi Everyone. Still alive. I post sometimes in the general area now. Haven't drank though my AV has worked on me from time to time. Family life has gotten a little more normal after the chaos of my father's death. Still doesn't seem real. Worst part is we have to wait for up to a year to even hear what went wrong with the plane. My kid's birthdays are coming up. My son is about to turn 5. My daughter will be 3.
I will pray for your Mom, Britt. Hope everything turns out ok. Nice to hear from you Oinobares.
I will pray for your Mom, Britt. Hope everything turns out ok. Nice to hear from you Oinobares.
Nothing Left to do but Smile.
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 808
Finally finished a 2 week house project wainscoting and painting my dining room. Felt good to be able to run again after work. It really calms my anxiety. Something I have needed after I quit. Getting dangerously close to 150 days.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 18
Quit back in June and this is my first week on these forums. I have been trying to find others that are experiencing PAWS from Marijuana and Ecstasy use but have come up short. If you guys dont mind reading my story and seeing if it fits to what I think is PAWS I would greatly appreciate it. Taking it one day at a time.
This is a copy and paste from a different post but wanted to bring it here.
I joined this forum recently to try and find out what has been wrong with me for the past couple of weeks. I thought I would share my story of what I am currently going through and what I feel to be PAWS.
My past: 2 1/2 years of ecstasy at least once a month between 4-8 pills a night depending upon the night. 3 years of smoking marijuana. In the beginning only smoking a couple times a week but towards the end smoking everyday for about a year.
I have been clean and sober for about 5 months now but up until 3 weeks ago I have felt 'normal'. I know the 5 months before I havent really felt myself but nothing like I have felt these past couple of weeks.
When I got sober I was working out about 5 days a week running between 2-3 miles. I was feeling happy and fine. Up until about 2 months ago I stopped hanging out with my running friends due to the girlfriend getting sick because their house was always dirty from pets and the driving distance. I continued to eat healthy but didnt work out. About 3 weeks ago I felt like the mental bus just ran me over and I was being dragged away in a white jacket.
My symptoms 3 weeks ago were very severe and I have never felt anything like it.
Depression, anxiety, tingly sensation on the top of my head, panic attacks, worried about everything, emotional detachment, suicidal thoughts, felt like I was lying about the love for my girlfriend, racing thoughts, no sexual drive, headaches, pressure on my temple (like someone said above felt like a vicegrip on my head) cloudy mind, unable to process thoughts, just felt empty, lonely, body would shake uncontrollably while I was worrying. This lasted for about a week. I was in the ER because I didnt know what was wrong with me. The ER DR gave me a shot of ativan which I almost crashed on because of how it made me feel, then he prescribed me xanax. I took the xanax to help with the shakes but later i started googling what might be wrong with me and discovered that I am probably going through PAWS. I read that PAWS peaks around 3-6 months which fits my timeline perfectly. The symptoms fit and the stories I have read from others fits. I have since stopped taking the xanax. Last week was better than the first week but I had a day of severe depression but it got better as the days went on. For about 3 days I had a foggy mind that I just didnt feel anything or could think about anything. This week I have felt better but not like I would like to feel. Today has been a pretty normal day but still have a little headache and sometimes find myself worrying about PAWS or my relationship. I have got a gym membership and plan to work out lightly at the gym. I have been walking almost everyday with my girlfriend. This seriously feels like an emotional rollercoaster and I am just hoping and praying I am not like this for the rest of my life. Reading I have found that it can last from 3-24 months. I hope I can regain normal thought and emotional attachment to my girlfriend. I talk to her everyday about how I am feeling and the research I have done on how it makes me feel that it is nothing personal against her I just dont have control over it.
I dont crave the drugs and never want to go back.
I have been trying to find stories of people who have experienced PAWS and have overcome everything and have gotten back to normal but I have yet to find a story like that. Either those people are not online or after feeling normal again never return to tell others that its going to be ok. I find myself reading the same articles day after day that says it will go away and it will be ok but its personal stories I keep looking for.
If I could go back I would kick myself in the face to never touch drugs ever.
Heres to hoping for better days and feeling normal again
Right now since the change to sobriety I only have my girlfriend in my life. I have no friends because I have defriended(word?) them because I had to get away from that life. They were good people but they were not ready for a change and I couldnt be around that life anymore. I have had to give up the music I listen to because I would find myself just reminiscing.
I think getting some new friends in my life will help a lot but I just cant really connect with anyone anymore and finding people who are wanting to hang out just dont seem to be out there anymore.
Hope everyone who is going through this stays strong and comes out normal on the other side
This is a copy and paste from a different post but wanted to bring it here.
I joined this forum recently to try and find out what has been wrong with me for the past couple of weeks. I thought I would share my story of what I am currently going through and what I feel to be PAWS.
My past: 2 1/2 years of ecstasy at least once a month between 4-8 pills a night depending upon the night. 3 years of smoking marijuana. In the beginning only smoking a couple times a week but towards the end smoking everyday for about a year.
I have been clean and sober for about 5 months now but up until 3 weeks ago I have felt 'normal'. I know the 5 months before I havent really felt myself but nothing like I have felt these past couple of weeks.
When I got sober I was working out about 5 days a week running between 2-3 miles. I was feeling happy and fine. Up until about 2 months ago I stopped hanging out with my running friends due to the girlfriend getting sick because their house was always dirty from pets and the driving distance. I continued to eat healthy but didnt work out. About 3 weeks ago I felt like the mental bus just ran me over and I was being dragged away in a white jacket.
My symptoms 3 weeks ago were very severe and I have never felt anything like it.
Depression, anxiety, tingly sensation on the top of my head, panic attacks, worried about everything, emotional detachment, suicidal thoughts, felt like I was lying about the love for my girlfriend, racing thoughts, no sexual drive, headaches, pressure on my temple (like someone said above felt like a vicegrip on my head) cloudy mind, unable to process thoughts, just felt empty, lonely, body would shake uncontrollably while I was worrying. This lasted for about a week. I was in the ER because I didnt know what was wrong with me. The ER DR gave me a shot of ativan which I almost crashed on because of how it made me feel, then he prescribed me xanax. I took the xanax to help with the shakes but later i started googling what might be wrong with me and discovered that I am probably going through PAWS. I read that PAWS peaks around 3-6 months which fits my timeline perfectly. The symptoms fit and the stories I have read from others fits. I have since stopped taking the xanax. Last week was better than the first week but I had a day of severe depression but it got better as the days went on. For about 3 days I had a foggy mind that I just didnt feel anything or could think about anything. This week I have felt better but not like I would like to feel. Today has been a pretty normal day but still have a little headache and sometimes find myself worrying about PAWS or my relationship. I have got a gym membership and plan to work out lightly at the gym. I have been walking almost everyday with my girlfriend. This seriously feels like an emotional rollercoaster and I am just hoping and praying I am not like this for the rest of my life. Reading I have found that it can last from 3-24 months. I hope I can regain normal thought and emotional attachment to my girlfriend. I talk to her everyday about how I am feeling and the research I have done on how it makes me feel that it is nothing personal against her I just dont have control over it.
I dont crave the drugs and never want to go back.
I have been trying to find stories of people who have experienced PAWS and have overcome everything and have gotten back to normal but I have yet to find a story like that. Either those people are not online or after feeling normal again never return to tell others that its going to be ok. I find myself reading the same articles day after day that says it will go away and it will be ok but its personal stories I keep looking for.
If I could go back I would kick myself in the face to never touch drugs ever.
Heres to hoping for better days and feeling normal again
Right now since the change to sobriety I only have my girlfriend in my life. I have no friends because I have defriended(word?) them because I had to get away from that life. They were good people but they were not ready for a change and I couldnt be around that life anymore. I have had to give up the music I listen to because I would find myself just reminiscing.
I think getting some new friends in my life will help a lot but I just cant really connect with anyone anymore and finding people who are wanting to hang out just dont seem to be out there anymore.
Hope everyone who is going through this stays strong and comes out normal on the other side
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 277
Hello June classmates! I'll have six months this weekend, and while I have been reading SR regularly, I haven't been posting much. I'm going strong with AA. Happy and grateful for spiritual, emotional, and bodily health. A certain apathy about my writing continues to bedevil me, an old apathy and fear I used to obliterate with alcohol. Putting the plug in the jug is clearly only the beginning. I've been badly tempted on several occasions, but having worked the steps and found my faith I walked past those moments unscathed. At six months I still feel like a sober infant.
I hope you are all staying strong and on the path! I am so grateful to you all!
I hope you are all staying strong and on the path! I am so grateful to you all!
Nothing Left to do but Smile.
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 808
Oinobares, I think we all feel like Sobriety infants at this stage. I know all this time sober can be meaningless with just one bad decision. That scares me to death.
Good luck Only the One. Running for me has been instumental in keeping depression and anxiety out of my life. I hope things are working out for you.
Good luck Only the One. Running for me has been instumental in keeping depression and anxiety out of my life. I hope things are working out for you.
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