Class of August 2012
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Texas
Posts: 507
I'm starting over today. I can't believe I've been on and off this roller coaster for almost two years now. I've done so well at times. I've done terribly at times. But I realize more and more each time I slip up that you have to REALLY want sobriety. I mean REALLY want it and really be ready to do whatever it takes.
I've seen my behavior over the last two weeks or so from a completely different perspective. I'm shamed. I've done nothing different than any other time. Sneak off to the liquor store, either hide the bottle or just buy a small one and drink it before I get home. Drink nothing when out with co-workers or friends knowing I've got a full bottle back at the hotel or stashed in my closet. Travel for work makes my drinking just too easy to hide when I'm off the wagon. My partner caught me with a bottle last week. I just couldn't wait until she was in the shower or out for a bit. I lied to her face and said I'd bought it the week before when things were very stressful. "I only drank a couple sips, see?" I said. I'd bought it the night before straight off the plane. Why did I lie? And she knew, asking if the receipt would tell the same story. I didn't even know if there was a receipt but I had to come clean. Now I can't step out of the house without getting a withering look. I suppose I can't blame her but I also hate living that way. Those looks don't stop the drinking and the lying. Anyway, this isn't something that hasn't happened before. But for some reason it's affected me much more. I feel a deeper shame than ever. A deeper sense of failure than ever. A deeper sense of fear than ever. I think I also feel more shame because her mother told her that it was a mistake for her to have married me. In an angry and drugged up rage (she had surgery two days before) she told me this. I really don't know if it's because of my problems with alcohol or not but it really hurt me. We moved to TX in October to be with her family and I know nobody here. I really thought her family liked me and this blow just makes my feelings of failure, lonliness and fear stronger.
Anyway, I know that alcohol is doing nothing to help my loneliness, depression, anxiety and self esteem. I also know how good it feels to be sober.
So, as many tries as it takes is as many tries as I'm going to give sobriety.
Thanks for taking the time to read my post. It helps to get the feelings out.
I've seen my behavior over the last two weeks or so from a completely different perspective. I'm shamed. I've done nothing different than any other time. Sneak off to the liquor store, either hide the bottle or just buy a small one and drink it before I get home. Drink nothing when out with co-workers or friends knowing I've got a full bottle back at the hotel or stashed in my closet. Travel for work makes my drinking just too easy to hide when I'm off the wagon. My partner caught me with a bottle last week. I just couldn't wait until she was in the shower or out for a bit. I lied to her face and said I'd bought it the week before when things were very stressful. "I only drank a couple sips, see?" I said. I'd bought it the night before straight off the plane. Why did I lie? And she knew, asking if the receipt would tell the same story. I didn't even know if there was a receipt but I had to come clean. Now I can't step out of the house without getting a withering look. I suppose I can't blame her but I also hate living that way. Those looks don't stop the drinking and the lying. Anyway, this isn't something that hasn't happened before. But for some reason it's affected me much more. I feel a deeper shame than ever. A deeper sense of failure than ever. A deeper sense of fear than ever. I think I also feel more shame because her mother told her that it was a mistake for her to have married me. In an angry and drugged up rage (she had surgery two days before) she told me this. I really don't know if it's because of my problems with alcohol or not but it really hurt me. We moved to TX in October to be with her family and I know nobody here. I really thought her family liked me and this blow just makes my feelings of failure, lonliness and fear stronger.
Anyway, I know that alcohol is doing nothing to help my loneliness, depression, anxiety and self esteem. I also know how good it feels to be sober.
So, as many tries as it takes is as many tries as I'm going to give sobriety.
Thanks for taking the time to read my post. It helps to get the feelings out.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 18
Originally Posted by MightyMung 
I guess that's me then. I'm starting over today.
Although, i've got three hours to wait in an airport café for my flight, and there's beer for sale at 40p per bottle. Won't be buying any though. I'd be smashed by boarding time and would probably be denied entry to the plane. I'm having chicken and lemon crisps and some water instead. Quite edgy without the benzos, hopefully I wasn't using them long enough for full on WD. And i'm just waiting for the opiate withdrawal to kick in. I'm guessing it'll come at about midnight tonight, since that'll be 24 hours after my last use and that's when it normally starts. No sleep for me tonight then. And i'd better buy some extra toilet rolls.
Anyway. Class of August 2012, count me in.
Although, i've got three hours to wait in an airport café for my flight, and there's beer for sale at 40p per bottle. Won't be buying any though. I'd be smashed by boarding time and would probably be denied entry to the plane. I'm having chicken and lemon crisps and some water instead. Quite edgy without the benzos, hopefully I wasn't using them long enough for full on WD. And i'm just waiting for the opiate withdrawal to kick in. I'm guessing it'll come at about midnight tonight, since that'll be 24 hours after my last use and that's when it normally starts. No sleep for me tonight then. And i'd better buy some extra toilet rolls.
Anyway. Class of August 2012, count me in.
Mighty Mung, are you still travelling in Asia or back in England? If you are in Asia please please be careful, Asian governments do not take kindly to drug users, particularly in airports. Hope you got on your flight okay, lets us know
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 690
Oh I can so relate to your post Allison and several others. I usually only drink on Saturday night because I do not work on Sunday. Last week though I was on vacation and drank five nights in a row. I hate doing that. I think I will just have one and then I end up having several. I am with you Allison I
am going to try for a month. The weekends will be hard because I am always with people who drink. I want to prove to myself I can get through a month and then hopefully go on forever. Saturday night will be so hard. This place can give a lot of encouragement.
am going to try for a month. The weekends will be hard because I am always with people who drink. I want to prove to myself I can get through a month and then hopefully go on forever. Saturday night will be so hard. This place can give a lot of encouragement.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: St. Pete, FL
Posts: 22
I am so in. I'm fed up with the life I've been living. Ready for a fresh start. Ready for a new life.
Just got out of a hospital detox program to get off methadone. I wish I knew they were going to put me on suboxone. The doc I'm going to is saying "nine months to a year" to taper down. Am I the only one who thinks this is re-donk-ulous? I've been on sub for like a week now. I'm at 8mgs right now thinking about starting to taper ASAP like by the end of the week. I've heard the horror stories of people staying on sub for way too long & I am not about to let that happen to me. Advice from anyone with knowledge on the subject would be soooo appreciated I have been freaking the F out ever since the doc said I'd have to be on for that long. Wtf.
Just got out of a hospital detox program to get off methadone. I wish I knew they were going to put me on suboxone. The doc I'm going to is saying "nine months to a year" to taper down. Am I the only one who thinks this is re-donk-ulous? I've been on sub for like a week now. I'm at 8mgs right now thinking about starting to taper ASAP like by the end of the week. I've heard the horror stories of people staying on sub for way too long & I am not about to let that happen to me. Advice from anyone with knowledge on the subject would be soooo appreciated I have been freaking the F out ever since the doc said I'd have to be on for that long. Wtf.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: St. Pete, FL
Posts: 22
Oops. I think I'm in the wrong new comers thread. So new to all this forum stuff. I do not suffer from alcohol addiction but I do from opiates. Either way I think all addictions are basically the same, & all addicts relate, despite our different vices & have the same wants/needs for the hope of sobriety.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: New England
Posts: 1,067
Originally Posted by BallsOutBetty
I am so in. I'm fed up with the life I've been living. Ready for a fresh start. Ready for a new life.
Just got out of a hospital detox program to get off methadone. I wish I knew they were going to put me on suboxone. The doc I'm going to is saying "nine months to a year" to taper down. Am I the only one who thinks this is re-donk-ulous? I've been on sub for like a week now. I'm at 8mgs right now thinking about starting to taper ASAP like by the end of the week. I've heard the horror stories of people staying on sub for way too long & I am not about to let that happen to me. Advice from anyone with knowledge on the subject would be soooo appreciated I have been freaking the F out ever since the doc said I'd have to be on for that long. Wtf.
Just got out of a hospital detox program to get off methadone. I wish I knew they were going to put me on suboxone. The doc I'm going to is saying "nine months to a year" to taper down. Am I the only one who thinks this is re-donk-ulous? I've been on sub for like a week now. I'm at 8mgs right now thinking about starting to taper ASAP like by the end of the week. I've heard the horror stories of people staying on sub for way too long & I am not about to let that happen to me. Advice from anyone with knowledge on the subject would be soooo appreciated I have been freaking the F out ever since the doc said I'd have to be on for that long. Wtf.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: St. Pete, FL
Posts: 22
Dee & Allison - thanks for the welcoming
& I absolutely agree with what you are saying about the show "Hoarders", I've only seen it a few times but it's apparent these people have underlying problems, whatever they may be. Besides, addiction isn't exclusive to just substances, but also actions, things, people, etc. I actually googled addiction & the definition I think makes most sense to me is "The fact or condition of being addicted to a particular substance, thing, or activity." It's pretty broad, but addiction itself is as individual as the person addicted. If that makes any sense. Lol.
Jobei - I have been thinking about going to another doctor, but in FL they would probably take it as doctor shopping since opiates are basically the newest epidemic down here. Plus, every doc's office I've talked to doesn't accept insurance for suboxone & the initial visits are anywhere from $250+. I don't really have that kinda money to get another money hungry doc to tell me the same thing. The doc from the methadone clinic I used to go to said 2 weeks tops, but I can't get in contact with him because he is strictly with that clinic. I'll probably just take 3/4 of the film tmrw, do that for a few days, cut it down to half a film for a few days, & so on. I just want to do it right for the first & last time in my lifetime.
& I absolutely agree with what you are saying about the show "Hoarders", I've only seen it a few times but it's apparent these people have underlying problems, whatever they may be. Besides, addiction isn't exclusive to just substances, but also actions, things, people, etc. I actually googled addiction & the definition I think makes most sense to me is "The fact or condition of being addicted to a particular substance, thing, or activity." It's pretty broad, but addiction itself is as individual as the person addicted. If that makes any sense. Lol.
Jobei - I have been thinking about going to another doctor, but in FL they would probably take it as doctor shopping since opiates are basically the newest epidemic down here. Plus, every doc's office I've talked to doesn't accept insurance for suboxone & the initial visits are anywhere from $250+. I don't really have that kinda money to get another money hungry doc to tell me the same thing. The doc from the methadone clinic I used to go to said 2 weeks tops, but I can't get in contact with him because he is strictly with that clinic. I'll probably just take 3/4 of the film tmrw, do that for a few days, cut it down to half a film for a few days, & so on. I just want to do it right for the first & last time in my lifetime.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 20
Joining the class of August 2012
Technically my start date was July 30th but I didn't figure this class thing out till now. I'm feeling good about this! I've been lurking on this site since Monday and it has really kept me strong. I know I'm white knuckling it right now but I am just determined this time. I can't go back to that horrible terror. I want my daughter to be safe and happy, I want my health back and I want to get a life.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: uk
Posts: 250
Day 2
not a great day so far at work as soon as I walked in office I had boss shouting where's so and so yesterday she wanted me to start something else whatever you do you can't please her it's not me everone that works here thinks the same one calls her toxic. It's hard trying to walk on egg shells all the time trying not to set of one of her moods feeling exhausted also due to the withdrawals is not helping telling her what I am going through at present will not help she's very cold and just wouldn't understand
Been doing some thinking about what triggers off drinking and I think the stress of feeling tense is not helping its a easy fix to hit the wine a quick way to forget things but I know like today it may be a release the night before but dealing with it the following day or days in withdrawal makes the situation worse..
sorry for rambling lol not sure if I am making sense to myself yet just trying to get my head around things also typing this from phone which I am not that good at
Hope all the rest of August class are doing great I will check back later finding the sight a great help
not a great day so far at work as soon as I walked in office I had boss shouting where's so and so yesterday she wanted me to start something else whatever you do you can't please her it's not me everone that works here thinks the same one calls her toxic. It's hard trying to walk on egg shells all the time trying not to set of one of her moods feeling exhausted also due to the withdrawals is not helping telling her what I am going through at present will not help she's very cold and just wouldn't understand
Been doing some thinking about what triggers off drinking and I think the stress of feeling tense is not helping its a easy fix to hit the wine a quick way to forget things but I know like today it may be a release the night before but dealing with it the following day or days in withdrawal makes the situation worse..
sorry for rambling lol not sure if I am making sense to myself yet just trying to get my head around things also typing this from phone which I am not that good at
Hope all the rest of August class are doing great I will check back later finding the sight a great help
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: CA
Posts: 2,977
Alright giving it yet another try at staying sober. Been tryin n failing the past couple weeks but not ready to give up. So today I will not drink.
Slim the way the class wOrks is basically posting On a thread with a group of people that are also newly getting sober.
Slim the way the class wOrks is basically posting On a thread with a group of people that are also newly getting sober.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 1
I just quit my job - it was a really good job too,
but..
In 3 months I've worked there I binged and took 3 weeks off due to alcohol. One every month.
And I actually respected them enough that after the 3rd time I voluntarily resigned.
I used to be a funtional drunk, now I'm a non-funtional drunk
((
but..
In 3 months I've worked there I binged and took 3 weeks off due to alcohol. One every month.
And I actually respected them enough that after the 3rd time I voluntarily resigned.
I used to be a funtional drunk, now I'm a non-funtional drunk
((
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Notheast US
Posts: 524
BoozeFree, thanks for the tip. Now I'll become an active member of the class!
I’ve been tapering for the past 10 days and started Naltrexone 2 days ago. The 1.75 liter bottle is still one third full…the way I’ve drinking, I would have bought another bottle yesterday (7 days to empty it). Not good for a female who is now lucky to weigh 100 lbs.
Saturday is my target date to pour the rest of the bottle down the drain and mark it as my first day of sobriety.
I saw my psychiatrist yesterday (he’s basically a scrip writer…go in there for 10 minutes and he writes scrips that counselors can’t). Not really sure how I feel about him, but I did get the names of two LADCs and called yesterday. Still waiting for call backs.
I woke up this morning feeling drugged.
I figure it’s the Naltrexone. It is so ironic, here I am an alcoholic and I can’t stand the feeling of being stumbling drunk or drugged. Just keep sipping away to numb myself. Sure, I drink enough that I’m legally drunk, but not stumbling, yet I do slur my words. At the end of drinking for the day, before going to bed I do cryptograms on the computer and still have the coordination and mental ability to score Very Fast. So many ways to play the game of denial, but the pictures of my brain that show atrophy (dead space) are something that I cannot ignore.
What I’m most worried about right now is building the right kind of support. I’m a physical, mental and emotional wreck right now. I’ve been trying to contact my PCP all week as my FMLA papers have to be resubmitted to work. I keep leaving detailed messages and have not gotten a call back. I’ve been referred to a neurologist over a week ago and the practice has not called. I’m afraid to call for fear of hearing them tell me that they are not going to take me as a patient. I’d rather come to that conclusion on my own than hear it from them.
Family has all been informed and is on board.
No place to go but up from here!
:help
I’ve been tapering for the past 10 days and started Naltrexone 2 days ago. The 1.75 liter bottle is still one third full…the way I’ve drinking, I would have bought another bottle yesterday (7 days to empty it). Not good for a female who is now lucky to weigh 100 lbs.
Saturday is my target date to pour the rest of the bottle down the drain and mark it as my first day of sobriety.
I saw my psychiatrist yesterday (he’s basically a scrip writer…go in there for 10 minutes and he writes scrips that counselors can’t). Not really sure how I feel about him, but I did get the names of two LADCs and called yesterday. Still waiting for call backs.
I woke up this morning feeling drugged.
I figure it’s the Naltrexone. It is so ironic, here I am an alcoholic and I can’t stand the feeling of being stumbling drunk or drugged. Just keep sipping away to numb myself. Sure, I drink enough that I’m legally drunk, but not stumbling, yet I do slur my words. At the end of drinking for the day, before going to bed I do cryptograms on the computer and still have the coordination and mental ability to score Very Fast. So many ways to play the game of denial, but the pictures of my brain that show atrophy (dead space) are something that I cannot ignore.What I’m most worried about right now is building the right kind of support. I’m a physical, mental and emotional wreck right now. I’ve been trying to contact my PCP all week as my FMLA papers have to be resubmitted to work. I keep leaving detailed messages and have not gotten a call back. I’ve been referred to a neurologist over a week ago and the practice has not called. I’m afraid to call for fear of hearing them tell me that they are not going to take me as a patient. I’d rather come to that conclusion on my own than hear it from them.
Family has all been informed and is on board.
No place to go but up from here!
:help
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 508
Started Day 2 feeling great. I was looking for some white noise for my iphone last night and came across these subliminal message audio files for alcohol addiction. It's white noise files but has subliminal positive messages. I figured everything helps.
I thought we had relatives coming this weekend and I was feeling all prepared to be strong and say I'm not drinking. Turns out they are coming in two weekends and I just got this email about how we'd have beers Friday night and wine on the boat Saturday... etc etc.
Makes me worry if I can handle being stong in two weeks when my brain will start playing tricks on me and saying I'm fine, I can drink...
I have to remember to focus on today and not worry about tomorrow or how I'm going to handle myself tomorrow or the next day. Feel good today, feel happy and proud of myself today. I've been trying to moderate for at least two years now. The last time I was at these relatives house I drank so much I can't even remember the majority of the night. Horrible horrible feeling that I never want to have again.
I thought we had relatives coming this weekend and I was feeling all prepared to be strong and say I'm not drinking. Turns out they are coming in two weekends and I just got this email about how we'd have beers Friday night and wine on the boat Saturday... etc etc.
Makes me worry if I can handle being stong in two weeks when my brain will start playing tricks on me and saying I'm fine, I can drink...I have to remember to focus on today and not worry about tomorrow or how I'm going to handle myself tomorrow or the next day. Feel good today, feel happy and proud of myself today. I've been trying to moderate for at least two years now. The last time I was at these relatives house I drank so much I can't even remember the majority of the night. Horrible horrible feeling that I never want to have again.
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