Codependency and Beyond Part 23
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
I did the 12th step today, with a bunch of people on another forum unrelated to addiction. There was a topic in the general area, about dealing with an addict family member, and lots of people came out of the woodwork with their own stories. Another man and I were the only ones who actively work recovery (he also works for a recovery center), and we shared available resources. That felt soooo good 
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
((Chino)) - how awesome to spread some ES&H! We are about 2 hrs from aunt Phyllis's and its been a good trip with a few conversations I put an end to by putting in my ear plugs and turning up the mp3. Dad did just apologize for blowing up at me for something stupid. We were both tired, pulled over at a rest area and slept for 3 hrs.
I am soooo excited to get to their house. Aunt Phyllis is good for my soul
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
I am soooo excited to get to their house. Aunt Phyllis is good for my soul
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
mergirl
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Paradise
Posts: 4,161
Friday, April 6, 2012
You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go
Patience
How sick and tired we may become of people telling us to be patient or to learn patience. How frustrating it can be to want to finally have something, or to move forward, and then not have that happen. How irritating to have someone tell us to wait while our needs have not been met and were in the midst of anxiety, frustration, and inaction.
Do not confuse the suggestion to be patient with the old rule about not having feelings.
Being patient does not mean we go through the sometimes-grueling process of life and recovery without having feelings! Feel the frustration. Feel the impatience. Get as angry as you need to about not having your needs met. Feel your fear.
Controlling our feelings will not control the process!
We find patience by surrendering to our feelings. Patience cannot be forced. It is a gift, one that closely follows acceptance and gratitude. When we work through our feelings to fully accept who we are and what we have, we will be ready to be and have more.
Today, I will let myself have my feelings while I practice patience
You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go
Patience
How sick and tired we may become of people telling us to be patient or to learn patience. How frustrating it can be to want to finally have something, or to move forward, and then not have that happen. How irritating to have someone tell us to wait while our needs have not been met and were in the midst of anxiety, frustration, and inaction.
Do not confuse the suggestion to be patient with the old rule about not having feelings.
Being patient does not mean we go through the sometimes-grueling process of life and recovery without having feelings! Feel the frustration. Feel the impatience. Get as angry as you need to about not having your needs met. Feel your fear.
Controlling our feelings will not control the process!
We find patience by surrendering to our feelings. Patience cannot be forced. It is a gift, one that closely follows acceptance and gratitude. When we work through our feelings to fully accept who we are and what we have, we will be ready to be and have more.
Today, I will let myself have my feelings while I practice patience
mergirl
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Paradise
Posts: 4,161
Patience, whats that? Hahaha
3 days after surgery and I feel great. Today is detox day, kick the norcos and switch to tylenol. MW came by and asked me if I wanted to run to the next town for a load of gravel, so I got out of the house. Beautiful day here.
3 days after surgery and I feel great. Today is detox day, kick the norcos and switch to tylenol. MW came by and asked me if I wanted to run to the next town for a load of gravel, so I got out of the house. Beautiful day here.
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
amazing I always read exactly what I need when I need it from each of you here ~ thank you all for sharing your e, s, & h!!
Amy - I hope you have a wonderful time with your Aunt & all the extended family.
I pray everyone has a blessed holiday weekend!
love & PINK HUGS!
Rita
Amy - I hope you have a wonderful time with your Aunt & all the extended family.
I pray everyone has a blessed holiday weekend!
love & PINK HUGS!
Rita
mergirl
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Paradise
Posts: 4,161
Saturday, April 7, 2012
You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go
Those Old Time Feelings
I still have bad days. But that's okay. I used to have bad years.
—Anonymous
Sometimes, the old feelings creep back in. We may feel fearful, ashamed, and hopeless. We may feel not good enough, unlovable, victimized, helpless, and resentful about it all. This is codependency, a condition some describe as soul sickness.
Many of us felt this way when we began recovery. Sometimes, we slip back into these feelings after we've begun recovery. Sometimes there's a reason. An event may trigger these reactions, such as ending a relationship, stress, problems on the job, at home, or in friendships. Times of change can trigger these reactions. So can physical illness.
Sometimes, these feelings return for no reason.
A return to the old feelings doesn't mean were back to square one in our recovery. They do not mean we've failed at recovery. They do not mean were in for a long, painful session of feeling badly. They just are there.
The solution is the same: practicing the basics. Some of the basics are loving and trusting our self, detachment, dealing with feelings, giving and receiving support in the recovery community, using our affirmations, and having fun.
Another basic is working the Steps. Often, working the Steps is how we become enabled and empowered to practice the other basics, such as detachment and self-love.
If the old feelings come back, know for certain there is a way out that will work.
Today, if I find myself in the dark pit of codependency, I will work a Step to help myself climb out.
You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go
Those Old Time Feelings
I still have bad days. But that's okay. I used to have bad years.
—Anonymous
Sometimes, the old feelings creep back in. We may feel fearful, ashamed, and hopeless. We may feel not good enough, unlovable, victimized, helpless, and resentful about it all. This is codependency, a condition some describe as soul sickness.
Many of us felt this way when we began recovery. Sometimes, we slip back into these feelings after we've begun recovery. Sometimes there's a reason. An event may trigger these reactions, such as ending a relationship, stress, problems on the job, at home, or in friendships. Times of change can trigger these reactions. So can physical illness.
Sometimes, these feelings return for no reason.
A return to the old feelings doesn't mean were back to square one in our recovery. They do not mean we've failed at recovery. They do not mean were in for a long, painful session of feeling badly. They just are there.
The solution is the same: practicing the basics. Some of the basics are loving and trusting our self, detachment, dealing with feelings, giving and receiving support in the recovery community, using our affirmations, and having fun.
Another basic is working the Steps. Often, working the Steps is how we become enabled and empowered to practice the other basics, such as detachment and self-love.
If the old feelings come back, know for certain there is a way out that will work.
Today, if I find myself in the dark pit of codependency, I will work a Step to help myself climb out.
mergirl
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Paradise
Posts: 4,161
Step One, I am powerless over others
I am sad. I haven't identified exactly what part of the verbal banter with MW and I this morning has trigger this BUT, I am 4 days out of surgery and not quite right at all.
Step 2: Came to believe
time to turn it over and trust
I am sad. I haven't identified exactly what part of the verbal banter with MW and I this morning has trigger this BUT, I am 4 days out of surgery and not quite right at all.
Step 2: Came to believe
time to turn it over and trust
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
Oh Lisa 
I know you're the only who can figure it all out, just please allow yourself all the healing time you need. Besides your body undergoing a medical assault on it, your entire system drank a huge chemical cocktail. Recovering from anesthesia alone can take quite a while.
I know you're the only who can figure it all out, just please allow yourself all the healing time you need. Besides your body undergoing a medical assault on it, your entire system drank a huge chemical cocktail. Recovering from anesthesia alone can take quite a while.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
Sunday, April 8, 2012
You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go
Self Care
I don't precisely know what you need to do to take care of yourself. But I know you can figure it out.
—Beyond Codependency
Rest when you're tired.
Take a drink of cold water when you're thirsty.
Call a friend when you're lonely.
Ask God to help when you feel overwhelmed.
Many of us have learned how to deprive and neglect ourselves. Many of us have learned to push ourselves hard, when the problem is that were already pushed too hard.
Many of us are afraid the work wont get done if we rest when were tired. The work will get done; it will be done better than work that emerges from tiredness of soul and spirit. Nurtured, nourished people, who love themselves and care for themselves, are the delight of the Universe.
They are well timed, efficient, and Divinely led.
Today, I will practice loving self-care.
You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go
Self Care
I don't precisely know what you need to do to take care of yourself. But I know you can figure it out.
—Beyond Codependency
Rest when you're tired.
Take a drink of cold water when you're thirsty.
Call a friend when you're lonely.
Ask God to help when you feel overwhelmed.
Many of us have learned how to deprive and neglect ourselves. Many of us have learned to push ourselves hard, when the problem is that were already pushed too hard.
Many of us are afraid the work wont get done if we rest when were tired. The work will get done; it will be done better than work that emerges from tiredness of soul and spirit. Nurtured, nourished people, who love themselves and care for themselves, are the delight of the Universe.
They are well timed, efficient, and Divinely led.
Today, I will practice loving self-care.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
Dad and I got to AR around noon on Fri., are headed back home now. I don't know who was crying harder on the goodbye hug, me or aunt Phyllis. I can say I haven't been so relaxed and felt so much live since I was in MN for the wedding in 2010.
Aunt Phyllis and I went to church, I LOVE their lady pastor. The sermin was about not letting obstacles keep you from doing or getting what you really want. She then passed out little pastel butterflies to everyone of us, so aunt Phyllis and I had a little cry, but it was okay. I have my little butterfly secure in my purse for now.
I miss my cats, but I didn't ask stepmom if she was taking care of them because she always does when I'm gone. I never got online, didn't open a book and feel no guilt. I have a lot to do when I get home, and though school is a priority, family is a bigger one.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Aunt Phyllis and I went to church, I LOVE their lady pastor. The sermin was about not letting obstacles keep you from doing or getting what you really want. She then passed out little pastel butterflies to everyone of us, so aunt Phyllis and I had a little cry, but it was okay. I have my little butterfly secure in my purse for now.
I miss my cats, but I didn't ask stepmom if she was taking care of them because she always does when I'm gone. I never got online, didn't open a book and feel no guilt. I have a lot to do when I get home, and though school is a priority, family is a bigger one.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
aww - Amy ~ what a beautiful blessings ~ so grateful for you & your special butterfly gift! prayers you had a safe trip home!
Lisa - hope you are feeling better soon! give yourself lots of self care my friend!
Chino ~ you have a wonderful gift of encouragement - thanks for sharing that with us!
Prayers that all enjoy this wonderful Monday!!
PINK HUGS!
Rita
Lisa - hope you are feeling better soon! give yourself lots of self care my friend!
Chino ~ you have a wonderful gift of encouragement - thanks for sharing that with us!
Prayers that all enjoy this wonderful Monday!!
PINK HUGS!
Rita
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
Well, we got home, I laid down with Elvis and Mots and just got woke up with dad and the brat having a huge fight. Don't know what it was about, I just interjected when he called her bf a "low-life", something he used to call the brat all the time and I absolutely HATE that term. He did say he took that back, she was yelling about how they would be fine, yada yada and dad said "show me", which I guess he's gotten from me as I keep telling him "look at actions, stop counting on words". She hauled a$$ in her car, stepmom was crying and wringing her hands and I just came back to my room and hooked the computer up.
I have plenty of school work to do before the deadline tomorrow night, so am going to put my focus on that. I'm going to have to get over the fear of interviews, rejection etc. because getting a job is the only thing that's going to get me out of here.
I collect seashells and aunt Phyllis also gave me a gorgeous sand dollar, so it is high on a shelf that the cats can't get to. Gotta find a special place for my pastel blue special butterfly. I want to get the picture I have of Bob & Phyl with me as a baby, put it with the picture I took of the 3 of us yesterday, and somehow print it up with the words "thanks for a lifetime of love", but not sure how to do that. I think the kiosks at my stores can do it, so I'll ask one of my buddies that works there. I think that would mean a lot to them.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
I have plenty of school work to do before the deadline tomorrow night, so am going to put my focus on that. I'm going to have to get over the fear of interviews, rejection etc. because getting a job is the only thing that's going to get me out of here.
I collect seashells and aunt Phyllis also gave me a gorgeous sand dollar, so it is high on a shelf that the cats can't get to. Gotta find a special place for my pastel blue special butterfly. I want to get the picture I have of Bob & Phyl with me as a baby, put it with the picture I took of the 3 of us yesterday, and somehow print it up with the words "thanks for a lifetime of love", but not sure how to do that. I think the kiosks at my stores can do it, so I'll ask one of my buddies that works there. I think that would mean a lot to them.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
(((Rita))), people like you (kind gentle spirits) have helped bring that out in me. It's always been there, but for a long time it was all I could do to give it to myself. Now that I'm healing with the support of a lot of kind gentle spirits, I have more to share
Amy, I'm from the show me state. I can't tell you how many times those words come out of my mouth! I'm glad your dad is seeing the value in it, and good for you staying on your side of the street!
Amy, I'm from the show me state. I can't tell you how many times those words come out of my mouth! I'm glad your dad is seeing the value in it, and good for you staying on your side of the street!
mergirl
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Paradise
Posts: 4,161
Monday, April 9, 2012
You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go
Giving
Learning to be a healthy giver can be a challenge. Many of us got caught up in compulsive giving - charitable acts motivated by uncharitable feelings of guilt, shame, obligations, pity, and moral superiority.
We now understand that catering and compulsive giving don't work. They backfire.
Caretaking keeps us feeling victimized.
Many of us gave too much, thinking we were doing things right; then we became confused because our life and relationships weren't working. Many of us gave so much for so long, thinking we were doing God's will; then in recovery, we refused to give, care, or love for a time.
That's okay. Perhaps we needed a rest. But healthy giving is part of healthy living. The goal in recovery is balance - caring that is motivated by a true desire to give, with an underlying attitude of respect for others and ourselves.
The goal in recovery is to choose what we want to give, to whom, when, and how much. The goal in recovery is to give and not feel victimized by our giving.
Are we giving because we want to, because it's our responsibility? Or are we giving because we feel obligated, guilty, ashamed, or superior? Are we giving because we feel afraid to say no?
Are the ways we try to assist people helpful, or do they prevent others from facing their true responsibilities?
Are we giving so that people will like us or feel obligated to us? Are we giving to prove we're worthy? Or are we giving because we want to give and it feels right?
Recovery includes a cycle of giving and receiving. It keeps healthy energy flowing among our Higher Power, others, and us. It takes time to learn how to give in healthy ways. It takes time to learn to receive. Be patient. Balance will come.
God, please guide my giving and my motives today.
You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go
Giving
Learning to be a healthy giver can be a challenge. Many of us got caught up in compulsive giving - charitable acts motivated by uncharitable feelings of guilt, shame, obligations, pity, and moral superiority.
We now understand that catering and compulsive giving don't work. They backfire.
Caretaking keeps us feeling victimized.
Many of us gave too much, thinking we were doing things right; then we became confused because our life and relationships weren't working. Many of us gave so much for so long, thinking we were doing God's will; then in recovery, we refused to give, care, or love for a time.
That's okay. Perhaps we needed a rest. But healthy giving is part of healthy living. The goal in recovery is balance - caring that is motivated by a true desire to give, with an underlying attitude of respect for others and ourselves.
The goal in recovery is to choose what we want to give, to whom, when, and how much. The goal in recovery is to give and not feel victimized by our giving.
Are we giving because we want to, because it's our responsibility? Or are we giving because we feel obligated, guilty, ashamed, or superior? Are we giving because we feel afraid to say no?
Are the ways we try to assist people helpful, or do they prevent others from facing their true responsibilities?
Are we giving so that people will like us or feel obligated to us? Are we giving to prove we're worthy? Or are we giving because we want to give and it feels right?
Recovery includes a cycle of giving and receiving. It keeps healthy energy flowing among our Higher Power, others, and us. It takes time to learn how to give in healthy ways. It takes time to learn to receive. Be patient. Balance will come.
God, please guide my giving and my motives today.
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
((Amy)) ~ my prayer for you is that some day soon you will have your own little version of "PINK ACRES" ~ a place that is full of serenity, love, joy, laughter, hope, and peace ~ and it is full of butterflies!
Chino ~ thanks - I'm grateful to have learned how to use my kind & gentle spirit in balance.
Chino ~ thanks - I'm grateful to have learned how to use my kind & gentle spirit in balance.
mergirl
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Paradise
Posts: 4,161
Thanks Chino <3 Amy, what an awesome gift the butterfly is. There are good free online photo sites like snapfish and shutterfly that have pretty good tools to manipulate images and make collages if you have a scanner and can get them loaded to your computer.
This reading was one of life's big lesson's for me. I never though of myself as "superior" to anyone, until I got into recovery and discovered I thought that quite a lot.
I would do nice things for people, and then be bitter when no one would read my mind and do the same for me. Now, when a thought like "I was such a good friend to her, where is she when I need her?" pops in my head, I realize that A, I do NOT want to do nice things for people with an expectation of return and B that is just another judgement. Anytime I think in a given situation I would handle something better, I am standing in judgement. Who I am I to know if that person isn't acting exactly as they should be for themselves? And I can be sure anytime I am judging someone, someone else is looking at me thinking "if I was in her situation, I would totally handle it better"
better for who? =)
This reading was one of life's big lesson's for me. I never though of myself as "superior" to anyone, until I got into recovery and discovered I thought that quite a lot.
I would do nice things for people, and then be bitter when no one would read my mind and do the same for me. Now, when a thought like "I was such a good friend to her, where is she when I need her?" pops in my head, I realize that A, I do NOT want to do nice things for people with an expectation of return and B that is just another judgement. Anytime I think in a given situation I would handle something better, I am standing in judgement. Who I am I to know if that person isn't acting exactly as they should be for themselves? And I can be sure anytime I am judging someone, someone else is looking at me thinking "if I was in her situation, I would totally handle it better"
better for who? =)
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
Originally Posted by Gypsy Feet 
Now, when a thought like "I was such a good friend to her, where is she when I need her?" pops in my head, I realize that A, I do NOT want to do nice things for people with an expectation of return and B that is just another judgement.
It only took me about 30+ years to learn how to make an observation instead of judging LOL
BTW, it's because of this reading that I've put volunteering on hold. I was burned pretty badly by the last org I volunteered with. I notified them when I needed to go see my dad on his deathbed, then notified them again when he died and I needed to stay there another week.
The volunteer coordinator was new and fresh out of college, she didn't bother to find out why I was gone. She called me the night my dad died, and, after 7 years of volunteering my time and our business too, said they no longer needed my services because I wasn't dependable. I sent an email to her and the board of directors, asking what kind of God forsaken people were they? The board apologized and asked me to stay. She did not, and there was no way I could work with her.
I need more time to find the right fit, and will have to thoroughly examine my expectations.
God Almighty, that hurt just typing it out. I need to forgive and let it go.
mergirl
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Paradise
Posts: 4,161
Id like to share with you all step work I did this morning regarding an exchange between MW and I. Its a behavior pattern or dance we do I am hoping to shift.
I told MW I would be leaving soon for a week, back for 4 days, and then gone for the better part of the month. He responded in his usual fashion, "Oh good, I get some peace around here"
It hurts my feelings. When I let him know it hurts my feelings, his first response is always that he was joking. I then usually ask if he indeed wants some space/alone time, and he gets defensive and says yes, and there is nothing wrong with that.
I have explained to him that I respect his wish for space, but if he could not verbalize it in such a way when I am leaving, then he gets mad I am telling him how to talk.. . eeesh
so.. .I resent MW for the fact that he wont acknowledge his part in my hurt feelings. I resent the fact that he likes to sleep alone some nights. I fear I enjoy his company more than he enjoys mine
This affects my self esteem, pride, social standing, sexual relations and security
ok, here we go kids, MY PART
I take it personally. Intellectually I know it is ok for him to like the week on, week off arrangement. In my heart I know this is Divine design, that I have so much free time to help my sister and spend time with the new grandgrrls. And in the end, any part of it that IS him being a shmuck still comes back to me, because the exit door is right in front of me. He is the imperfect child of a Loving Source I have chosen to spend my time with, and I can redecide at any time.
I will now go about letting go of my pride with the help of my HP, it does not serve me here
I told MW I would be leaving soon for a week, back for 4 days, and then gone for the better part of the month. He responded in his usual fashion, "Oh good, I get some peace around here"
It hurts my feelings. When I let him know it hurts my feelings, his first response is always that he was joking. I then usually ask if he indeed wants some space/alone time, and he gets defensive and says yes, and there is nothing wrong with that.
I have explained to him that I respect his wish for space, but if he could not verbalize it in such a way when I am leaving, then he gets mad I am telling him how to talk.. . eeesh
so.. .I resent MW for the fact that he wont acknowledge his part in my hurt feelings. I resent the fact that he likes to sleep alone some nights. I fear I enjoy his company more than he enjoys mine
This affects my self esteem, pride, social standing, sexual relations and security
ok, here we go kids, MY PART
I take it personally. Intellectually I know it is ok for him to like the week on, week off arrangement. In my heart I know this is Divine design, that I have so much free time to help my sister and spend time with the new grandgrrls. And in the end, any part of it that IS him being a shmuck still comes back to me, because the exit door is right in front of me. He is the imperfect child of a Loving Source I have chosen to spend my time with, and I can redecide at any time.
I will now go about letting go of my pride with the help of my HP, it does not serve me here
The Little Alcoholic Monstress That Could
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Northern California
Posts: 1,159
Hi everyone. I'm due to have this baby in 5 weeks and I live with my alcoholic mother. I am comfortable here but I do realize that I spend a lot of time arguing with her and just being mad and in-accepting of her condition. I have been offered a room in someone's house as a part of a program that helps single pregnant women. I am going to meet the woman tomorrow to discuss everything.
I actually would prefer to stay here and up my AA game, meeting, constructive acts etc, however it may be best to move to the new place. I don't know. I don't know what I should do but I guess I will know more after we talk tomorrow.
I feel so hopeless and miserable here sometimes but thats because I let myself get all caught up in self and self pity. When I just take action like get ready and go to a meeting I come home feeling much better and like I can do this. This, being live here without blowing my lid every hour.
We'll see what tomorrow brings. I am so grateful for the meeting I went to tonight. The speaker was excellent at carrying the message and his story "disturbed" me about my own alcoholism. I remembered that I am a true alcoholic and I need a spiritual program of recovery if I am ever to be happy, joyous, and free.
I actually would prefer to stay here and up my AA game, meeting, constructive acts etc, however it may be best to move to the new place. I don't know. I don't know what I should do but I guess I will know more after we talk tomorrow.
I feel so hopeless and miserable here sometimes but thats because I let myself get all caught up in self and self pity. When I just take action like get ready and go to a meeting I come home feeling much better and like I can do this. This, being live here without blowing my lid every hour.
We'll see what tomorrow brings. I am so grateful for the meeting I went to tonight. The speaker was excellent at carrying the message and his story "disturbed" me about my own alcoholism. I remembered that I am a true alcoholic and I need a spiritual program of recovery if I am ever to be happy, joyous, and free.
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