Codependency and Beyond Part 23
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Codependency and Beyond Part 23
mergirl
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Paradise
Posts: 4,161
Monday, March 26, 2012
You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go
Gifts, Not Burdens
Children are gifts, if we accept them.
—Kathleen Turner Crilly
Children are gifts. Our children, if we have children, are a gift to us. We, as children, were gifts to our parents.
Sadly, many of us did not receive the message from our parents that we were gifts to them and to the Universe. Maybe our parents were in pain themselves; maybe our parents were looking to us to be their caretakers; maybe we came at a difficult time in their lives; maybe they had their own issues and simply were not able to enjoy, accept, and appreciate us for the gifts we are.
Many of us have a deep, sometimes subconscious, belief that we were, and are, a burden to the world and the people around us. This belief can block our ability to enjoy life and our relationships with others. This belief can even impair our relationship with a Higher Power: we may feel we are a burden to God.
If we have that belief, it is time to let it go.
We are not a burden. We never were. If we received that message from our parents, it is time to recognize that issue as theirs to resolve.
We have a right to treat ourselves as a gift -- to ourselves, to others, and to the Universe.
We are here, and we have a right to be here.
Today, I will treat myself, and any children I have, as though we are a gift. I will let go of any beliefs I have about being a burden -- to my Higher Power, my friends, my family, and myself.
You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go
Gifts, Not Burdens
Children are gifts, if we accept them.
—Kathleen Turner Crilly
Children are gifts. Our children, if we have children, are a gift to us. We, as children, were gifts to our parents.
Sadly, many of us did not receive the message from our parents that we were gifts to them and to the Universe. Maybe our parents were in pain themselves; maybe our parents were looking to us to be their caretakers; maybe we came at a difficult time in their lives; maybe they had their own issues and simply were not able to enjoy, accept, and appreciate us for the gifts we are.
Many of us have a deep, sometimes subconscious, belief that we were, and are, a burden to the world and the people around us. This belief can block our ability to enjoy life and our relationships with others. This belief can even impair our relationship with a Higher Power: we may feel we are a burden to God.
If we have that belief, it is time to let it go.
We are not a burden. We never were. If we received that message from our parents, it is time to recognize that issue as theirs to resolve.
We have a right to treat ourselves as a gift -- to ourselves, to others, and to the Universe.
We are here, and we have a right to be here.
Today, I will treat myself, and any children I have, as though we are a gift. I will let go of any beliefs I have about being a burden -- to my Higher Power, my friends, my family, and myself.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
Thanks (((Dee)))! Wow, I remember when we were trying to get to 500 posts just to be part of the "daily" threads
I am officially registered for 2 classes summer semester, 2 for fall, and unless their quarter-to-semester change causes more classes, I will be graduating in December!
Talked to my boss, as long as we get to keep our jobs, he and I are going to go through the stores lists and I will be able to pick up extras during the summer.
The brat texted me earlier, she is craving steak, dad has BEEN wanting to go out to dinner as a family, and she begged me to go. I told her I couldn't..lecture at 7, 3 tests, etc. but thanked her (text and in person) for wanting me to go. Dad also wanted to know if another night would work for me...told him "nope, spare time? I have none" and encouraged them to go out and enjoy themselves. I did give the brat my "take home" order, because SHE will get it right
I know it may not last, but for now? Things are quiet and peaceful at home, and it's really nice.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
I am officially registered for 2 classes summer semester, 2 for fall, and unless their quarter-to-semester change causes more classes, I will be graduating in December!
Talked to my boss, as long as we get to keep our jobs, he and I are going to go through the stores lists and I will be able to pick up extras during the summer.
The brat texted me earlier, she is craving steak, dad has BEEN wanting to go out to dinner as a family, and she begged me to go. I told her I couldn't..lecture at 7, 3 tests, etc. but thanked her (text and in person) for wanting me to go. Dad also wanted to know if another night would work for me...told him "nope, spare time? I have none" and encouraged them to go out and enjoy themselves. I did give the brat my "take home" order, because SHE will get it right
I know it may not last, but for now? Things are quiet and peaceful at home, and it's really nice.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
I have a question, can I be happy?
I REALLY wish to quit my job and study full time I will work anywhere to get by , half time ...
By now I got savings to survive.. what... 5 months? if I am lucky.
My sis thinks I am crazy ...
My mom says she would support me .. I feel its a golden chance, to be happy and truly enjoy my days..
I REALLY wish to quit my job and study full time
I will work anywhere to get by , half time ...By now I got savings to survive.. what... 5 months? if I am lucky.
My sis thinks I am crazy ...
My mom says she would support me .. I feel its a golden chance, to be happy and truly enjoy my days..
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
TC999, your sis thinks it's crazy because it would crazy for her. If you have a goal and plan to make it work, listen to the voices in your own head
I'm on a roll here at home. I finished painting and thoroughly cleaning my office, but still working on re-organizing it. Plus we've been working on the rest of our home. It's like Spring cleaning on steroids. I told my husband we needed one of those dumpster rentals, but he continues to insist we don't. I guess he likes hauling off truckloads of trash every other day? lol
We're supposed to drive or fly tomorrow to visit his mom. She had a pacemaker and defib installed about a month ago, is doing well. I have no idea when we're leaving, and don't think he's bought plane tix yet. It's a good thing I know how to roll with the waves
I'm on a roll here at home. I finished painting and thoroughly cleaning my office, but still working on re-organizing it. Plus we've been working on the rest of our home. It's like Spring cleaning on steroids. I told my husband we needed one of those dumpster rentals, but he continues to insist we don't. I guess he likes hauling off truckloads of trash every other day? lol
We're supposed to drive or fly tomorrow to visit his mom. She had a pacemaker and defib installed about a month ago, is doing well. I have no idea when we're leaving, and don't think he's bought plane tix yet. It's a good thing I know how to roll with the waves
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((TC))) - I agree with ((Chino)) - your sister may think it's crazy for HER, but that doesn't mean it can't work for YOU!
(((Chino))) - I wish I could adopt your cleaning methods. I have a lot to do, but it seems like school is taking more and more and then more time. Didn't work today, as had to finish up assignments, totally disgusted with the coding class as we are not given enough time to look through 3 books/internet for stuff, but my other classmates and I will address this with our instructor tonight (AGAIN) when we have our lecture.
Talked to aunt Phyllis - she is getting excited about dad and I coming out there, just wanted to verify the dates. Dad is on his way to NY, I wish I could have gone, but just can't do it.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
(((Chino))) - I wish I could adopt your cleaning methods. I have a lot to do, but it seems like school is taking more and more and then more time. Didn't work today, as had to finish up assignments, totally disgusted with the coding class as we are not given enough time to look through 3 books/internet for stuff, but my other classmates and I will address this with our instructor tonight (AGAIN) when we have our lecture.
Talked to aunt Phyllis - she is getting excited about dad and I coming out there, just wanted to verify the dates. Dad is on his way to NY, I wish I could have gone, but just can't do it.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
mergirl
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Paradise
Posts: 4,161
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go
After-Burn
How could I do it? How could I say it? Even though I meant it, I still feel ashamed, guilty, and afraid.
This is common reaction to new, exciting recovery behaviors. Anything to do with owning our power and taking care of ourselves can trigger feelings of shame, guilt, and fear.
We do not have to allow these feelings to control us. They're a backlash. They're after-burn. Let them burn out.
When we start confronting and attacking feelings and messages, we will experience some after-burn. The after-burn is what we allowed to control us all our life -- shame and guilt.
Many of us grew up with shame-based messages that it wasn't okay to take care of ourselves, be honest, be direct, and own our power with people. Many of us grew up with messages that it wasn't okay to be who we were and resolve problems in relationships. Many of us grew up with the message that what we want and need isn't okay.
Let it all burn off. We don't have to take after-burn so seriously. We don't let the after-burn convince us that we are wrong and don't have a right to take care of ourselves and set boundaries.
Do we really have the right to take care of ourselves? Do we really have the right to set boundaries? Do we really have the right to be direct and say what we need to say?
You bet we do.
Today, I will let any after-burn which sets in after I practice a new recovery behavior, burn off. I will not take it so seriously. God, help me let go of my shame and needless fears about what will happen to me if I really start caring for and loving myself.
You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go
After-Burn
How could I do it? How could I say it? Even though I meant it, I still feel ashamed, guilty, and afraid.
This is common reaction to new, exciting recovery behaviors. Anything to do with owning our power and taking care of ourselves can trigger feelings of shame, guilt, and fear.
We do not have to allow these feelings to control us. They're a backlash. They're after-burn. Let them burn out.
When we start confronting and attacking feelings and messages, we will experience some after-burn. The after-burn is what we allowed to control us all our life -- shame and guilt.
Many of us grew up with shame-based messages that it wasn't okay to take care of ourselves, be honest, be direct, and own our power with people. Many of us grew up with messages that it wasn't okay to be who we were and resolve problems in relationships. Many of us grew up with the message that what we want and need isn't okay.
Let it all burn off. We don't have to take after-burn so seriously. We don't let the after-burn convince us that we are wrong and don't have a right to take care of ourselves and set boundaries.
Do we really have the right to take care of ourselves? Do we really have the right to set boundaries? Do we really have the right to be direct and say what we need to say?
You bet we do.
Today, I will let any after-burn which sets in after I practice a new recovery behavior, burn off. I will not take it so seriously. God, help me let go of my shame and needless fears about what will happen to me if I really start caring for and loving myself.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 1,572
Yowza. It has been a tough few days. My mom was admitted to the hospital with systemic MRSA (an antibiotic-resistant staph infection that has spread to her blood stream). Her health is very, very poor. We are uncertain of her prognosis.
My AH engaged in some pretty ridiculous drinking-related behavior this weekend. It bothered me, and I had varying levels of success in detaching. But yesterday and today I feel much more serene about it. I've noticed that his old habit of flying into rages seems to have eased up a lot (presumably because I now just walk away, and the rages don't accomplish anything in terms of hooking me into a fight), and he now behaves in very immature, obnoxious ways to try to get to me. His favorite is to make "jokes" about very offensive, unfunny things and then try to make me feel bad/inferior because I don't find them funny. Fortunately, I *really* don't care what he thinks about me right now, so if it helps him sleep better at night to think I'm a big wet blanket/killjoy, then so be it.
And my poor oldest daughter, who is 12...she and her friends are very big fans of some British fellows who make cartoons and post them on Youtube. One of the British fellows passed away over the weekend. My daughter is so very upset. These cartoons are a huge part of their world right now. Makes me think of how I felt when Kurt Cobain committed suicide.
I did get some great quality time with my girls, and then took them back to their dad's house tonight. As always, so sad to see them go, but grateful for the time we had together.
My AH engaged in some pretty ridiculous drinking-related behavior this weekend. It bothered me, and I had varying levels of success in detaching. But yesterday and today I feel much more serene about it. I've noticed that his old habit of flying into rages seems to have eased up a lot (presumably because I now just walk away, and the rages don't accomplish anything in terms of hooking me into a fight), and he now behaves in very immature, obnoxious ways to try to get to me. His favorite is to make "jokes" about very offensive, unfunny things and then try to make me feel bad/inferior because I don't find them funny. Fortunately, I *really* don't care what he thinks about me right now, so if it helps him sleep better at night to think I'm a big wet blanket/killjoy, then so be it.
And my poor oldest daughter, who is 12...she and her friends are very big fans of some British fellows who make cartoons and post them on Youtube. One of the British fellows passed away over the weekend. My daughter is so very upset. These cartoons are a huge part of their world right now. Makes me think of how I felt when Kurt Cobain committed suicide.
I did get some great quality time with my girls, and then took them back to their dad's house tonight. As always, so sad to see them go, but grateful for the time we had together.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Wisconsin))) - lots of prayers heading your way for you, your mom, your daughter and everyone else. I've been hospitalized 3 times for the MRSA, but seems to have gone into remission since I got into recovery? It's not a good thing, so will add prayers for the people taking care of your mom.
Good for you on not taking the bait on AH's immature actions. I was amazed when I read, here, that I could just say "hmmmm" or walk away, that I didn't HAVE to get into arguments and stuff. Still don't have it perfected, but way better than I used to be and it really IS hard for someone to carry on an argument with themself
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Good for you on not taking the bait on AH's immature actions. I was amazed when I read, here, that I could just say "hmmmm" or walk away, that I didn't HAVE to get into arguments and stuff. Still don't have it perfected, but way better than I used to be and it really IS hard for someone to carry on an argument with themself
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
mergirl
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Paradise
Posts: 4,161
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go
Balance
Seek balance.
Balance emotions with reason.
Combine detachment with doing our part.
Balance giving with receiving.
Alternate work with play, business with personal activities.
Balance tending to our spiritual needs with tending to our other needs.
Juggle responsibilities to others with responsibilities to ourselves.
Balance caring about others with caring about ourselves.
Whenever possible, let's be good to others, but be good to ourselves too.
Some of us have to make up for lost time.
Today, I will strive for balance.
You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go
Balance
Seek balance.
Balance emotions with reason.
Combine detachment with doing our part.
Balance giving with receiving.
Alternate work with play, business with personal activities.
Balance tending to our spiritual needs with tending to our other needs.
Juggle responsibilities to others with responsibilities to ourselves.
Balance caring about others with caring about ourselves.
Whenever possible, let's be good to others, but be good to ourselves too.
Some of us have to make up for lost time.
Today, I will strive for balance.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 1,572
I work in the legal field, so it is my JOB to state my position clearly and stand my ground. It was very, very hard for me to realize that I didn't have to do this in my personal life, especially with my AH. I had to understand that alcoholism doesn't care if I state my position clearly and stand my ground. That will just add fuel to a fire. I had to learn that whether or not I convince someone else of my position, I know how I feel, and I know what I know. That's enough.
Mom has taken a turn for the worse. She is not responding to the antibiotics, and cannot breathe on her own. We are heading out to say our good-byes.
Mom has taken a turn for the worse. She is not responding to the antibiotics, and cannot breathe on her own. We are heading out to say our good-byes.
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
I apologize for being out of touch lately ~ things have been very busy at work & of course like everyone else - life at home is busier!
((Wisconsin)) so very sorry to hear about your Mom ~ please know I'm praying for you and all of your family! More than anything I pray that during this time that your AH will be emotionally & physically available for you to give you the support you need!!!
I have skimmed thru the post & tried to keep up ~ I think things are going ok for most everyone else (if I have missed something PLEASE someone let me know!!)
Amy - glad you & Brit are mending fences ~ pregnant, unmarried & at that young age is scary ~ and although she does have some, well OK lots of unhealthy behaviors, she probably still could use your healthy support. You are great about giving her that and I do believe that she knows that! Prayers for continued healthy healing in your home life!
Lots of things going on in our PINK world ~
Monday was the 3 yr anniversary of Kaileigh's mom's death ~ we went by the cemetery Sunday and put out flowers for her mom & for her brother "baby Mikie" that died before she was born. Yesterday while looking at her Facebook page, she say her grandmother's pics of her mom. It was a little tough for her, she wrote a few comments about how cute her mom's baby pics were, how beautiful her mom was, how much she loved her and then the one that cut me to the depth of my heart - "I NEED HER!!!!!!!!!!!" was written on one.
I know that it is healthy for her to express these feelings, but to see her still have so much pain, breaks my heart!
At 4 this morning when I was leaving for work, I noticed She was awake ~ I went in her room. We visited, talked about her Easter party at school today, snuggled, laughed, and just had a little bonding time. I really think she is doing ok ~ she made all A's & 1 B on her report card, she's sleeping pretty well at nite, hardly ever any accidents at nite any more, but I guess I'll always wonder if we are doing enough. . .
I know Mr.PINK & I can't replace her mom or her dad ~ but geez I sure pray we are doing enough.
Thanks for allowing me to always share my fears here - I know my God is guiding us thru this ~ I am grateful for each of you & praying God's very very best!
May your day be filled with blessings so that you will know you are loved & cherished dearly!
PINK HUGS,
Rita
((Wisconsin)) so very sorry to hear about your Mom ~ please know I'm praying for you and all of your family! More than anything I pray that during this time that your AH will be emotionally & physically available for you to give you the support you need!!!
I have skimmed thru the post & tried to keep up ~ I think things are going ok for most everyone else (if I have missed something PLEASE someone let me know!!)
Amy - glad you & Brit are mending fences ~ pregnant, unmarried & at that young age is scary ~ and although she does have some, well OK lots of unhealthy behaviors, she probably still could use your healthy support. You are great about giving her that and I do believe that she knows that! Prayers for continued healthy healing in your home life!
Lots of things going on in our PINK world ~
Monday was the 3 yr anniversary of Kaileigh's mom's death ~ we went by the cemetery Sunday and put out flowers for her mom & for her brother "baby Mikie" that died before she was born. Yesterday while looking at her Facebook page, she say her grandmother's pics of her mom. It was a little tough for her, she wrote a few comments about how cute her mom's baby pics were, how beautiful her mom was, how much she loved her and then the one that cut me to the depth of my heart - "I NEED HER!!!!!!!!!!!" was written on one.
I know that it is healthy for her to express these feelings, but to see her still have so much pain, breaks my heart!
At 4 this morning when I was leaving for work, I noticed She was awake ~ I went in her room. We visited, talked about her Easter party at school today, snuggled, laughed, and just had a little bonding time. I really think she is doing ok ~ she made all A's & 1 B on her report card, she's sleeping pretty well at nite, hardly ever any accidents at nite any more, but I guess I'll always wonder if we are doing enough. . .
I know Mr.PINK & I can't replace her mom or her dad ~ but geez I sure pray we are doing enough.
Thanks for allowing me to always share my fears here - I know my God is guiding us thru this ~ I am grateful for each of you & praying God's very very best!
May your day be filled with blessings so that you will know you are loved & cherished dearly!
PINK HUGS,
Rita
mergirl
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Paradise
Posts: 4,161
Thursday, March 29, 2012
You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go
Getting Needs Met
Picture yourself walking through a meadow. There is a path opening before you. As you walk, you feel hungry. Look to your left. There's a fruit tree in full ripe. Pick what you need.
Steps later, you notice you're thirsty. On your right, there's a fresh water spring.
When you are tired, a resting place emerges. When you are lonely, a friend appears to walk with you. When you get lost, a teacher with a map appears.
Before long, you notice the flow: need and supply, desire and fulfillment. Maybe, you wonder, someone gave me the need because someone planned to fulfill it. Maybe I had to feel the need, so I would notice and accept the gift. Maybe closing my eyes to the desire closes my arms to its fulfillment.
Demand and supply, desire and fulfillment -- a continuous cycle, unless we break it. All the necessary supplies have already been planned and provided for this journey.
Today, everything I need shall be supplied to me.
You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go
Getting Needs Met
Picture yourself walking through a meadow. There is a path opening before you. As you walk, you feel hungry. Look to your left. There's a fruit tree in full ripe. Pick what you need.
Steps later, you notice you're thirsty. On your right, there's a fresh water spring.
When you are tired, a resting place emerges. When you are lonely, a friend appears to walk with you. When you get lost, a teacher with a map appears.
Before long, you notice the flow: need and supply, desire and fulfillment. Maybe, you wonder, someone gave me the need because someone planned to fulfill it. Maybe I had to feel the need, so I would notice and accept the gift. Maybe closing my eyes to the desire closes my arms to its fulfillment.
Demand and supply, desire and fulfillment -- a continuous cycle, unless we break it. All the necessary supplies have already been planned and provided for this journey.
Today, everything I need shall be supplied to me.
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