Class of October 2010 Sobriety Group Part 4
ANewBeginning
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Ohio
Posts: 1,822
Hi Guys. Chalk me up to being the latest Octoberian to bite the dust... didn't make it through the weekend unscathed. It was a good weekend - graduations and Warrior Dashes and whatnot - I could offer a lot of excuses, but they don't even cut it with me so -- truth is I drank because I wanted to. I know it was totally selfish and although I remember everything and kept it down to a low roar, I still drank... and I'm just having a bit of an issue with myself.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
Sept 30, 2010
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Southern California
Posts: 1,672
Ok, so you drank, but you have spent the last 7 months living sober. 200 + some days. They are not lost, they are clean days. Now it is up to you to decide what road to follow from here.
It took me three years +/- to be here. It was 6 months on 2 off, then 8 on 1 off. 4 or 5 tries before I decided I had had enough.
I never really looked at my slips as slips. It was more a "if I can live for 7 months without booze, then I really don't have a problem" and if I have a couple of drinks today, I will get back on the wagon tomorrow. It never worked that way for me. It was all or nothing.
I willingly drank because I wanted to every time. R4R, I could see by your posts that the pressure was building up inside of you, just like a "pressure cooker". So you let out the steam, that is all. Pick up the pieces and move forward.
How was the Warrior Dash? Your foot holding up OK?
It took me three years +/- to be here. It was 6 months on 2 off, then 8 on 1 off. 4 or 5 tries before I decided I had had enough.
I never really looked at my slips as slips. It was more a "if I can live for 7 months without booze, then I really don't have a problem" and if I have a couple of drinks today, I will get back on the wagon tomorrow. It never worked that way for me. It was all or nothing.
I willingly drank because I wanted to every time. R4R, I could see by your posts that the pressure was building up inside of you, just like a "pressure cooker". So you let out the steam, that is all. Pick up the pieces and move forward.
How was the Warrior Dash? Your foot holding up OK?
ANewBeginning
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Ohio
Posts: 1,822
Thanks, TDC. I was telling my therapist about it tonight and I mentioned that 'yeah, I did have almost 8 months off the stuff'... he said that was a good way of looking at it. Well, he prayed (he's a Christian counselor who deals with massive dissociative stuff) that it wouldn't grab ahold of me again. I have to hold onto that.
My running has become somewhat of an 'idol' in my life... my primary focus. That's not good... that means if my running somehow gets sidetracked, then I 'lose it'. Have to figure out something with that also.
Dee - No clue. Ok, kind of do have a clue. I picked a new date to leave it entirely alone again. For better or worse, it was June 24th my birthday, (you would flip out if you saw just how this post has transpired in the last hour...) but now, it's June 12th. Sorry, it's my upbringing, but certain dates have really, really bad significance and I'd like to break another piece of my past while I'm doing this and to have something good to happen on certain dates. It seems that's the way things work out sometimes.
Probably not a good way of looking at things, I don't know right now.
I better post this before I chicken out.
My running has become somewhat of an 'idol' in my life... my primary focus. That's not good... that means if my running somehow gets sidetracked, then I 'lose it'. Have to figure out something with that also.
Dee - No clue. Ok, kind of do have a clue. I picked a new date to leave it entirely alone again. For better or worse, it was June 24th my birthday, (you would flip out if you saw just how this post has transpired in the last hour...) but now, it's June 12th. Sorry, it's my upbringing, but certain dates have really, really bad significance and I'd like to break another piece of my past while I'm doing this and to have something good to happen on certain dates. It seems that's the way things work out sometimes.
Probably not a good way of looking at things, I don't know right now.
I better post this before I chicken out.
Administrator
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,445
I have to be honest and say I wish it was June 7th.
I remember from my own struggles there's nothing good that will come of drinking for however short, or long for people like us R4R...
I thought booze was a better alternative than certain things I had to deal with too - but I was very wrong about that.
It is what it is as Vonnegut said...and I guess maybe there's stuff here I don't understand, and don't need to
just remember you're important here - take care of yourself
D
I remember from my own struggles there's nothing good that will come of drinking for however short, or long for people like us R4R...
I thought booze was a better alternative than certain things I had to deal with too - but I was very wrong about that.
It is what it is as Vonnegut said...and I guess maybe there's stuff here I don't understand, and don't need to
just remember you're important here - take care of yourself
D
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Venus, Space
Posts: 757
I'm with Dee and TDC on this one R4R, it's really about where you go from here. And those almost 8 months count for alot - nobody can ever take that away from you.
I very fond of the newer batman, the one with Christian Bale and Michael Caine who plays such a good Alfred. For some reason the way he said to 'Bruce Wayne' at those ever so climatic moments in the movie really moved me- he'd say 'master Bruce, why do we fall down?' and the response, of course, 'so that we can learn to pick ourselves back up'. Truer words rarely spoken.
I see nothing selfish in what you did, whether to drink or not to drink is entirely up to you, it is your life. We are absolutely here to support you and offer our advice and share our experiences with you but I don't think we are here to judge or expect something out of you.
This period now that you are going through, if you are like me, may end up be excruciatingly difficult. Picking a date that is not today or tomorrow may seem like a good idea but for me that would end up giving more and more of the alcoholic obsession power in my thoughts again. But like I said, I'm not here to judge you. I hope you come back to staying sober and remain here in our class with us- I really appreciate everything you've shared with me and taught me over the last 7+ months and it would be great if you end up staying. I don't think any less of you than I did before reading these posts today, I appreciate your courage to share it with us and get back to sobriety. In my mind you are still an integral part of our class, but most importantly I do believe that getting back to sobriety not which thread you decide to reside in, is the most important thing right now.
I very fond of the newer batman, the one with Christian Bale and Michael Caine who plays such a good Alfred. For some reason the way he said to 'Bruce Wayne' at those ever so climatic moments in the movie really moved me- he'd say 'master Bruce, why do we fall down?' and the response, of course, 'so that we can learn to pick ourselves back up'. Truer words rarely spoken.
I see nothing selfish in what you did, whether to drink or not to drink is entirely up to you, it is your life. We are absolutely here to support you and offer our advice and share our experiences with you but I don't think we are here to judge or expect something out of you.
This period now that you are going through, if you are like me, may end up be excruciatingly difficult. Picking a date that is not today or tomorrow may seem like a good idea but for me that would end up giving more and more of the alcoholic obsession power in my thoughts again. But like I said, I'm not here to judge you. I hope you come back to staying sober and remain here in our class with us- I really appreciate everything you've shared with me and taught me over the last 7+ months and it would be great if you end up staying. I don't think any less of you than I did before reading these posts today, I appreciate your courage to share it with us and get back to sobriety. In my mind you are still an integral part of our class, but most importantly I do believe that getting back to sobriety not which thread you decide to reside in, is the most important thing right now.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Venus, Space
Posts: 757
Also, Really, like TDC was saying....my sponsor and I talk about this quite a bit, cuz in AA you see people get 30, 60, 90, 6 months or so and check out. More astonishing is the people who have 1, 2, 4, 15+ years who check out.
He always reminds that out of a room full of alcoholics the percentages of those who can get sober and stay sober are very, very slim. Especially on their first several attempts. Not excusing relapse, just saying it happens. If you learn from it and come of the shadows a stronger person then you can turn what presently seems like a liability into an asset. You can do this, we've already seen you doing it. Agree with Dee about changing things, or how you talked about the running being tied to your success/happiness maybe needing detangling or maybe both those and more. But I feel that you can do this sobriety thing, if you want to.
We are here for you Really. I'd love it if you decided to stay.
He always reminds that out of a room full of alcoholics the percentages of those who can get sober and stay sober are very, very slim. Especially on their first several attempts. Not excusing relapse, just saying it happens. If you learn from it and come of the shadows a stronger person then you can turn what presently seems like a liability into an asset. You can do this, we've already seen you doing it. Agree with Dee about changing things, or how you talked about the running being tied to your success/happiness maybe needing detangling or maybe both those and more. But I feel that you can do this sobriety thing, if you want to.
We are here for you Really. I'd love it if you decided to stay.
ANewBeginning
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Ohio
Posts: 1,822
I'm not going anywhere, Swan You guys are still my friends and I'm going to get back up. I just get something in my head, like a date - and I do it. I guess I need to feel right about it... that's how I've quit anything smoking, pills, whatever. I pick a date and I do it (with God's help, of course).
Anyway, simply put, my priorities got all out of whack (ie. I put running before everything) and when I got a bit of an injury that took me away, I got frustrated the alcohol looked like my old friend in misery again. And I grabbed ahold of it. I totally let down my guards - no, I pushed them down. And defiantly said, I didn't need them anymore. It wasn't really about running from anything, it was there and I swallowed (literally) the lie that it would make me feel better.
I guess I just need to figure all this out - so it doesn't happen again.
You guys are still my friends and I'm going to get back up. I just get something in my head, like a date - and I do it. I guess I need to feel right about it... that's how I've quit anything smoking, pills, whatever. I pick a date and I do it (with God's help, of course). Anyway, simply put, my priorities got all out of whack (ie. I put running before everything) and when I got a bit of an injury that took me away, I got frustrated the alcohol looked like my old friend in misery again. And I grabbed ahold of it. I totally let down my guards - no, I pushed them down. And defiantly said, I didn't need them anymore. It wasn't really about running from anything, it was there and I swallowed (literally) the lie that it would make me feel better.
I guess I just need to figure all this out - so it doesn't happen again.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Venus, Space
Posts: 757
I just wrote a really long paragraph but it was too lengthy. In a nutshell, I thought last year was the going to be the best year of my life. I had started gym rock climbing the year before during the snowboarding season and then last year I up'd it to outdoor climbing on the weekends too. So I was in the gym climbing minimum twice a week and outdoors every Sat or Sun. I avoided alcohol because my climbing was so fun and important (on Fridays I'd go to the gym and hit the elipitical to distract myself from the bars, heck I'd do that several nights a week because my legs could take more beating than my arms). Everything was going splendid til mid-Aug when I sprained my ankle outdoors climbing, ballooned up to twice the size as my other foot. Took 2 weeks off of everything then started taping it but I couldn't climb at the same peak level and it was still hurting so I decided I'd stop entirely and just rest until it was better.
Figured since I wasn't climbing I could at least start hitting the wine bar by myself after work, heck I did so well on several first dates throughout the year and was able to put 30-60 days between them afterward and since I wasn't hanging out with my old friends (they were now discarded) I was in no danger. Well maybe for a day or two I had a 'couple' or 'few' glasses of wine, then I was just getting drunk in the wine bars, sometimes taking home bottle with me and continuing other times since they closed at 9pm moving next door to the real bars and switching to gin or vodka. And of course drinking on Sat and Sun too now. I was back to a full blown alcoholic in now time at all, from maybe Sept. 1st to Oct 25th my alcohol intake quickly progressed back to the level it has historically been at culminating in something I said would never happen again after my wet reckless in 2004- a dui, and now since I had a wet reckless it was a second offense. Alcohol was my master again and I was it's slave.
I guess what I'm saying is, I can relate. I can absolutely relate to what you've described. Sometimes I look back and think my life was better before, but that's just a delusion because I can't drive right now and may have to suffer the criminal consequences of the DUI after all. In reality, trying to avoid/limit my alcohol and ultimately finding out once again that I'm a full blown alcoholic and that I'm screwed if I don't stop is so much more draining and joyless and hopeless of a life than just getting free of being bonded to king alcohol.
I'm very happy to hear you've decided to stay. Just thought I'd share that with you, because I was totally using my rock climbing as a 'divergence' to avoid alcohol until climbing was no longer doable or not doable without pain / climbing at the same peak level I was before. Then my fall began...
Figured since I wasn't climbing I could at least start hitting the wine bar by myself after work, heck I did so well on several first dates throughout the year and was able to put 30-60 days between them afterward and since I wasn't hanging out with my old friends (they were now discarded) I was in no danger. Well maybe for a day or two I had a 'couple' or 'few' glasses of wine, then I was just getting drunk in the wine bars, sometimes taking home bottle with me and continuing other times since they closed at 9pm moving next door to the real bars and switching to gin or vodka. And of course drinking on Sat and Sun too now. I was back to a full blown alcoholic in now time at all, from maybe Sept. 1st to Oct 25th my alcohol intake quickly progressed back to the level it has historically been at culminating in something I said would never happen again after my wet reckless in 2004- a dui, and now since I had a wet reckless it was a second offense. Alcohol was my master again and I was it's slave.
I guess what I'm saying is, I can relate. I can absolutely relate to what you've described. Sometimes I look back and think my life was better before, but that's just a delusion because I can't drive right now and may have to suffer the criminal consequences of the DUI after all. In reality, trying to avoid/limit my alcohol and ultimately finding out once again that I'm a full blown alcoholic and that I'm screwed if I don't stop is so much more draining and joyless and hopeless of a life than just getting free of being bonded to king alcohol.
I'm very happy to hear you've decided to stay. Just thought I'd share that with you, because I was totally using my rock climbing as a 'divergence' to avoid alcohol until climbing was no longer doable or not doable without pain / climbing at the same peak level I was before. Then my fall began...
Sept 30, 2010
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Southern California
Posts: 1,672
Some people say I am addicted to exercise. I think what I am addicted to is just feeling good and exercise helps a lot with that. When I make exercise the priority in my life then diet (healthy eating, not curtailing calories) just follows right along.
R4R, can you do something else until your foot heels? Upper body work like rowing machine or just plain old resistance work? Pole dancing (just kidding)?
Swan, I have only tried indoor rock climbing once and that was at a kids B-D party many years ago and that was at the tail end of our time and all the kids were too tired. It really was a lot of fun, but I was not in my best shape then.
I did some college touring with my daughter three years ago and this past year with my son and some of the college gyms have indoor rock climbing "mountains". The most impressive one was the one at the University of Northern Texas. Maybe some day my 24 Hour Fitness will have facilities (I think they do in a couple of them) since I don't think I was cut out to do pole dancing.
Take care my friends. TdC
R4R, can you do something else until your foot heels? Upper body work like rowing machine or just plain old resistance work? Pole dancing (just kidding)?
Swan, I have only tried indoor rock climbing once and that was at a kids B-D party many years ago and that was at the tail end of our time and all the kids were too tired. It really was a lot of fun, but I was not in my best shape then.
I did some college touring with my daughter three years ago and this past year with my son and some of the college gyms have indoor rock climbing "mountains". The most impressive one was the one at the University of Northern Texas. Maybe some day my 24 Hour Fitness will have facilities (I think they do in a couple of them) since I don't think I was cut out to do pole dancing.
Take care my friends. TdC
Administrator
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,445
Maybe there's some truth in what you say R4R...only you can judge.
I know myself I went from addiction to addiction - some were worse than others - but I only really found a sense of peace and joy when I stopped trying all the various ways to fill the void in me, and decided to heal it instead
D
I know myself I went from addiction to addiction - some were worse than others - but I only really found a sense of peace and joy when I stopped trying all the various ways to fill the void in me, and decided to heal it instead
D
Sept 30, 2010
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Southern California
Posts: 1,672
I poke my head in from time to time, but I think it is really funny that people with 12 days of sobriety are giving advice to people with 2 years, so I kept my mouth shut for a long time.
Don't misunderstand me, I think it is great that there is an outlet for EVERYONE to speak up, but I think you have to pay your dues first. I find that in every crowd, there are the talkers and then there are the doers. They are not necessarily the same people.
I feel so strong in my recovery that I think it is time for me to try to help out here and there. My problem is that I tend to be rather impatient when people start going around in circles so I have to watch myself. I've been told that when I arrive it is like a freight train at full speed. Hide the women and children.
Take care.
Don't misunderstand me, I think it is great that there is an outlet for EVERYONE to speak up, but I think you have to pay your dues first. I find that in every crowd, there are the talkers and then there are the doers. They are not necessarily the same people.
I feel so strong in my recovery that I think it is time for me to try to help out here and there. My problem is that I tend to be rather impatient when people start going around in circles so I have to watch myself. I've been told that when I arrive it is like a freight train at full speed. Hide the women and children.
Take care.
Sept 30, 2010
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Southern California
Posts: 1,672
R4R. How are you getting along? I worry about you. Are you still on your "sabbatical" from the forums?
We are all different, but I have never been able to go out for a couple of drinks after months of abstinence without tripping myself a couple of weeks later and fall into a several week long bender. I hope that is not what happened to Moo Moos after her trip to Spain.
On my last trip to Paris a couple of years ago, I had close to 270 days, but there was no way I was going to spend 10 days in France and Austria without drinking their wine and beer. I managed quite well on the trip, but a month later I had escalated to (4) 1.75 bottles of vodka in one week and who knows how many bottles of cheap wine. Yak.
We are all different, but I have never been able to go out for a couple of drinks after months of abstinence without tripping myself a couple of weeks later and fall into a several week long bender. I hope that is not what happened to Moo Moos after her trip to Spain.
On my last trip to Paris a couple of years ago, I had close to 270 days, but there was no way I was going to spend 10 days in France and Austria without drinking their wine and beer. I managed quite well on the trip, but a month later I had escalated to (4) 1.75 bottles of vodka in one week and who knows how many bottles of cheap wine. Yak.
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