Codependency and Beyond - part 13
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Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
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Amy,
It will be a busy week at work for you, but you'll get through it. And good for you for not letting that manager get to you.
Gypsy,
I'm glad that you are seeing things more clearly now.
Jane,
I think being attached to and disappointed by people is 'normal' codependent behaviour. I was like that for so long, and always wondered why people let me down so much. Being aware of your thoughts is huge and you know that you're having negative thoughts at the moment, so try to turn them around and find positive things to think about.
The incident that I went through on Sunday really hit me hard. But, it has brought about excellent growth. When I began recovery, I knew that I had played a victim role all my life and I needed to get out of that mindset. But, part of me clung to the victim mentality and it was still a quiet, underlying theme in my life. But, I had a huge moment of clarity about my situation and what happened and it brings to mind the saying "The truth shall set you free". Sometimes the truth is very hard to take, but I had to accept the truth to shed the lingering victim mentality. Wonderful!!
It will be a busy week at work for you, but you'll get through it. And good for you for not letting that manager get to you.
Gypsy,
I'm glad that you are seeing things more clearly now.
Jane,
I think being attached to and disappointed by people is 'normal' codependent behaviour. I was like that for so long, and always wondered why people let me down so much. Being aware of your thoughts is huge and you know that you're having negative thoughts at the moment, so try to turn them around and find positive things to think about.
The incident that I went through on Sunday really hit me hard. But, it has brought about excellent growth. When I began recovery, I knew that I had played a victim role all my life and I needed to get out of that mindset. But, part of me clung to the victim mentality and it was still a quiet, underlying theme in my life. But, I had a huge moment of clarity about my situation and what happened and it brings to mind the saying "The truth shall set you free". Sometimes the truth is very hard to take, but I had to accept the truth to shed the lingering victim mentality. Wonderful!!
Leap of Faith Survivor
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 4,555
You are reading from The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie Copyright - 1990 The Hazelden Foundation
Self-Care
April 8
I don't precisely know what you need to do to take care of yourself. But, I know you can figure it out.
-Beyond Codependency
Rest when you are tired.
Take a drink of cold water when you're thirsty.
Call a friend when you're lonely.
Ask God to help when you feel overwhelmed.
Many of us have learned how to deprive and neglect ourselves. Many of us have learned to push ourselves hard, when the problem is that we are already pushed too hard.
Many of us are afraid the work won't get done if we rest when we are tired. The work will get done; it will be done better than work that emerges from tiredness of soul and spirit. Nurtured, nourished people, who love themselves and care for themselves, are the delight of the Universe.
They are well timed, efficient, and divinely led.
Today, I will practice loving self-care.
Self-Care
April 8
I don't precisely know what you need to do to take care of yourself. But, I know you can figure it out.
-Beyond Codependency
Rest when you are tired.
Take a drink of cold water when you're thirsty.
Call a friend when you're lonely.
Ask God to help when you feel overwhelmed.
Many of us have learned how to deprive and neglect ourselves. Many of us have learned to push ourselves hard, when the problem is that we are already pushed too hard.
Many of us are afraid the work won't get done if we rest when we are tired. The work will get done; it will be done better than work that emerges from tiredness of soul and spirit. Nurtured, nourished people, who love themselves and care for themselves, are the delight of the Universe.
They are well timed, efficient, and divinely led.
Today, I will practice loving self-care.
Leap of Faith Survivor
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 4,555
Jane, I could relate to so much of what you wrote...
Many years before I even knew what codependency was, I remember how unhappy I was with myself with no idea in sight for what lay ahead or where to begin. I was still in the, "my happiness lies with everyone else" mode as I began to try to deal with my issues, wanting what others had but not quite knowing how to get it for myself.
It seems like so much work when we first begin, but I found through therapy, a process I came to love.. Fortunately, as time goes on it just gets better and better, as we grow stronger and start developing a good set of tools...
And, we get real good at the exercise of self-examination, and enjoying the fruits of walking the path of truth.
I love that you are so wonderfully insightful about yourself.
Amy, yes, from 0 to 60, huh..lol...but I know you will do well, try and pace yourself...k...you know that swedish bitters is for people too, eh
Gyps, I loved your post
...glad you are back...
surrender, when we are ready, is sweet....
Many years before I even knew what codependency was, I remember how unhappy I was with myself with no idea in sight for what lay ahead or where to begin. I was still in the, "my happiness lies with everyone else" mode as I began to try to deal with my issues, wanting what others had but not quite knowing how to get it for myself.
It seems like so much work when we first begin, but I found through therapy, a process I came to love.. Fortunately, as time goes on it just gets better and better, as we grow stronger and start developing a good set of tools...
And, we get real good at the exercise of self-examination, and enjoying the fruits of walking the path of truth.
I love that you are so wonderfully insightful about yourself.
Amy, yes, from 0 to 60, huh..lol...but I know you will do well, try and pace yourself...k...you know that swedish bitters is for people too, eh
Gyps, I loved your post
...glad you are back...surrender, when we are ready, is sweet....
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
I just wanted to pop in here and thank you all for your tremendous ES&H. I don't have time to post...slept late and it's time to get ready for work. Tomorrow is supposed to be raining and other than paying my car payment, I plan to snuggle with the cats, sleep and hang around SR.
Love you all!!
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Love you all!!
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 23
Just wanted to thank you all for the posts - I really enjoy reading them and they help a lot in realizing that I am quite normal after all!!
So today I went to my first Al Anon meeting - for some reason I am perfectly fine with being an addict, but balk at the alcoholic bit. Now I am happy to say that I am indeed an addict - with all attendant ISMs present and correct - and happy in my skin. Things are beginning to make sense and although I am a f**k up - I am travelling in the right direction.
My favourite Melody Beattie reading is the one about happiness - about your happiness is not dependent on someone else - am not working tomorrow so will dig it out and post.
Life is good
Jean
So today I went to my first Al Anon meeting - for some reason I am perfectly fine with being an addict, but balk at the alcoholic bit. Now I am happy to say that I am indeed an addict - with all attendant ISMs present and correct - and happy in my skin. Things are beginning to make sense and although I am a f**k up - I am travelling in the right direction.
My favourite Melody Beattie reading is the one about happiness - about your happiness is not dependent on someone else - am not working tomorrow so will dig it out and post.
Life is good
Jean
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: BC Canada
Posts: 1,221
(((Jean)) Sounds like your going the right direction..that's great your going to Alanon..Everything helps..I started out going to Alanon years ago, then ended up in AA when I hit bottom emotionally. I finally realized I had a drinking problem, not just my H. Then along the way I went back to Alanon to help cope with family problems and finally realized I was a codie, big time, through reading Melodies books..I believe that my codependency is my core issue that has caused me lots of grief over the years..I love that too what Melodie says about our happiness is not dependent on others, I believed that I could not be happy till everyone else was happy...they also are not responsible for my happiness nor am I responsible for theirs...
Leap of Faith Survivor
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 4,555
You are reading from The Language Of Letting Go by Melody Beattie Copyright - 1990 The Hazelden Foundation
Giving
April 9
Learning to be a healthy giver can be a challenge. Many of us got caught up in compulsive giving - charitable acts motivated by uncharitable feelings of guilt, shame, obligation, pity, and moral superiority.
We now understand that caretaking and compulsive giving don't work. They backfire.
Caretaking keeps us feeling victimized.
Many of us gave too much, thinking we were doing things right; then we became confused because our life and relationships weren't working. Many of us gave so much for so long, thinking we were doing God's will; then in recovery, we refused to give, care, or love for a time.
That's okay. Perhaps we needed a rest. But healthy giving is a part of healthy living. The goal in recovery is balance - caring that is motivated by a true desire to give, with an underlying attitude of respect for ourselves and others.
The goal in recovery is to choose what we want to give, to whom, when, and how much. The goal in recovery is to give, and not feel victimized by our giving.
Are we giving because we want to, because it's our responsibility? Or are we giving because we feel obligated, guilty, ashamed, or superior? Are we giving because we feel afraid to say no?
Are the ways we try to assist people helpful, or do they prevent others from facing their true responsibilities?
Are we giving so that people will like us or feel obligated to us? Are we giving to prove we are worthy? Or are we giving because we want to give and it feels right?
Recovery includes a cycle of giving and receiving. It keeps healthy energy flowing among us, our Higher Power, and others. It takes time to learn how to give in healthy ways. It takes time to learn to receive. Be patient. Balance will come.
God, please guide my giving and my motives today.
Giving
April 9
Learning to be a healthy giver can be a challenge. Many of us got caught up in compulsive giving - charitable acts motivated by uncharitable feelings of guilt, shame, obligation, pity, and moral superiority.
We now understand that caretaking and compulsive giving don't work. They backfire.
Caretaking keeps us feeling victimized.
Many of us gave too much, thinking we were doing things right; then we became confused because our life and relationships weren't working. Many of us gave so much for so long, thinking we were doing God's will; then in recovery, we refused to give, care, or love for a time.
That's okay. Perhaps we needed a rest. But healthy giving is a part of healthy living. The goal in recovery is balance - caring that is motivated by a true desire to give, with an underlying attitude of respect for ourselves and others.
The goal in recovery is to choose what we want to give, to whom, when, and how much. The goal in recovery is to give, and not feel victimized by our giving.
Are we giving because we want to, because it's our responsibility? Or are we giving because we feel obligated, guilty, ashamed, or superior? Are we giving because we feel afraid to say no?
Are the ways we try to assist people helpful, or do they prevent others from facing their true responsibilities?
Are we giving so that people will like us or feel obligated to us? Are we giving to prove we are worthy? Or are we giving because we want to give and it feels right?
Recovery includes a cycle of giving and receiving. It keeps healthy energy flowing among us, our Higher Power, and others. It takes time to learn how to give in healthy ways. It takes time to learn to receive. Be patient. Balance will come.
God, please guide my giving and my motives today.
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Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: South Dakota
Posts: 346
(((Grateful)))What an interesting reading for today. I always thought that's what made me special...is that I was willing to give up everything I had for other people. I thought they would love me if I did, because I was so selfless. But you know the drill...because I was doing it for the wrong reasons...it just left me bitter and as lonely as ever.
I am learning balance here...but it is hard. I am a gift giver by nature so I always have to watch my motives now...and make sure I'm not letting myself be taken advantage of.
Whew..this codie thing is complex.
(((Amy))) How proud I am of you on your job...not only that you have stepped up to full time so quickly and that you have such a great attitude, but also that you have learned to set boundaries in a new job (I think I would be afraid of that). It's your time, honey...good for you.
(((Lisa))) I've been meaning to tell you this for awhile...but you have such lovely feet
I love your avatar. I can visualize myself sitting with you on the beach...smelling the surf...and drinking it all in. Can I come?
(((SG)))) (((Least))) (((Jean))) (((Live))) (((Anna))) (((Wake)))
My daughter's favorite singer is Michael Buble...his songs are all over her ringtones on her computer and such. She is a swing/big band soul...who should have been born in the 40's. Anyway..I always feel so good listening to her music...and one in particular has become my new motto....so here it is girls...
It's a new dawn. It's a new day. It's a new life. And I'm feeling good.....
Enjoy the sunshine.
Love you
annie
I am learning balance here...but it is hard. I am a gift giver by nature so I always have to watch my motives now...and make sure I'm not letting myself be taken advantage of.
Whew..this codie thing is complex.
(((Amy))) How proud I am of you on your job...not only that you have stepped up to full time so quickly and that you have such a great attitude, but also that you have learned to set boundaries in a new job (I think I would be afraid of that). It's your time, honey...good for you.
(((Lisa))) I've been meaning to tell you this for awhile...but you have such lovely feet
I love your avatar. I can visualize myself sitting with you on the beach...smelling the surf...and drinking it all in. Can I come?(((SG)))) (((Least))) (((Jean))) (((Live))) (((Anna))) (((Wake)))
My daughter's favorite singer is Michael Buble...his songs are all over her ringtones on her computer and such. She is a swing/big band soul...who should have been born in the 40's. Anyway..I always feel so good listening to her music...and one in particular has become my new motto....so here it is girls...
It's a new dawn. It's a new day. It's a new life. And I'm feeling good.....
Enjoy the sunshine.
Love you
annie
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,514
Yes, a very interesting reading, Grateful, thanks!
Annie, this codie business is extremely complex. You are so right. I'm navigating through a bit of a mine-field right now, trying to keep my balance and stay in my space.
I love Michael Buble, too!
Annie, this codie business is extremely complex. You are so right. I'm navigating through a bit of a mine-field right now, trying to keep my balance and stay in my space.
I love Michael Buble, too!
Leap of Faith Survivor
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 4,555
I have always loved helping people but that would get confused what I now know was my codie need to be needed and loved
It really took some years, because I wasn't aware of my codependency, to separate the two..and really allow my altruistic side to bloom..
oh, I love that, Annie!
It really took some years, because I wasn't aware of my codependency, to separate the two..and really allow my altruistic side to bloom..
Originally Posted by BigDreams1 
It's a new dawn. It's a new day. It's a new life. And I'm feeling good.....
Awakening...
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: in the present
Posts: 1,125
Walked right into a codependant trap
Thought my sponsor was sore at me for some reason. Saw her at a meeting, then obsessed for 90 minutes thinking I was in trouble. Turns out it my imagination. My boss says to me, "They're not thinking about you." She's right, I always imagine people are talking about me. Usually, I'm the last thing on people's mind.
Yep, walked right into that one.
Yep, walked right into that one.
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
((SG)) - I, too, felt responsible for everyone else's happiness. Though I do backslide, every now and then, for the most part, it's like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders!!
My day of relaxation didn't work out. Dad took anothet trip, after driving all night and half the day, so I had to go with him to help drive and keep him awake. I was NOT happy and let it be known. We weren't gone a mile and he was ready to bring me back home.
We had a few arguments, discussed a few things, and I put up another boundary of something I choose to no longer discusss. He talked about a resentment, YEARS ago, and I pointed out that the only one who is suffering from it is him...he said "good point". I told him "that's where al-anon comes in real handy". He says he's going to church on Sun. we'll see.
Anyway, 12 hours of driving and I"m beat. I go back in to work tomorow night at 6p to 2a Fri. and Sat., then off Sun.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
My day of relaxation didn't work out. Dad took anothet trip, after driving all night and half the day, so I had to go with him to help drive and keep him awake. I was NOT happy and let it be known. We weren't gone a mile and he was ready to bring me back home.
We had a few arguments, discussed a few things, and I put up another boundary of something I choose to no longer discusss. He talked about a resentment, YEARS ago, and I pointed out that the only one who is suffering from it is him...he said "good point". I told him "that's where al-anon comes in real handy". He says he's going to church on Sun. we'll see.
Anyway, 12 hours of driving and I"m beat. I go back in to work tomorow night at 6p to 2a Fri. and Sat., then off Sun.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: BC Canada
Posts: 1,221
(((Wake)) I know what your saying, I have always had a problem with making assumptions..I think it's enough that we have to deal with what is really happening without dealing with things that aren't even real..
(((Amy)) I think it's so great that you and your Dad can have such good conversations, it seems you are usually able to talk things out, instead of staying mad at each other..sure hope you get some rest soon...
(((Amy)) I think it's so great that you and your Dad can have such good conversations, it seems you are usually able to talk things out, instead of staying mad at each other..sure hope you get some rest soon...
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