Codependency and Beyond - part 13
Leap of Faith Survivor
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Join Date: Dec 2007
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Codependency and Beyond - part 13
Part 12 of Codependency and Beyond,
can be found at:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...t-12-a-20.html
can be found at:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...t-12-a-20.html
Leap of Faith Survivor
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 4,555
You are lovable
We go back...and back...and back...through the layers of fear, shame, rage, hurt, and negative incantations until we discover the exuberant, unencumbered, delightful, and lovable child that was, and still is, in us.
-Beyond Codependency
You are lovable, Yes, you.
Just because people haven't been there for you, just because certain people haven't been able to show love for you in ways that worked, just because relationships have failed or gone sour does not mean that you're unlovable.
You've had lessons to learn. Sometimes, those lessons have hurt.
Let go of the pain. Open your heart to love.
You are lovable.
You are loved.
Today, I will tell myself I'm lovable. I will do this until I believe it.
We go back...and back...and back...through the layers of fear, shame, rage, hurt, and negative incantations until we discover the exuberant, unencumbered, delightful, and lovable child that was, and still is, in us.
-Beyond Codependency
You are lovable, Yes, you.
Just because people haven't been there for you, just because certain people haven't been able to show love for you in ways that worked, just because relationships have failed or gone sour does not mean that you're unlovable.
You've had lessons to learn. Sometimes, those lessons have hurt.
Let go of the pain. Open your heart to love.
You are lovable.
You are loved.
Today, I will tell myself I'm lovable. I will do this until I believe it.
Awakening...
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: in the present
Posts: 1,125
How I discovered I'm a codie.
Well, I am single and live alone, but I discovered I'm a codependant by my relationships at work.
I try to seek people's approval by being a chronic overachiever and getting people to like me. I obssess over if anybody's saying anything bad about me. Iv'e even checked my boss's calendar to see where she is if I sense she's been gone too long. She must be talking about me!
Insanity, right there. :rotfxko
Now, I'm working on those things. I'm looking at my reaction to people, things, and situations. I'm making use of the space between stimuli and response.
In the words of the late Walter Cronkite, "And that's the rest of the story."
Or the beginning of the story.
I try to seek people's approval by being a chronic overachiever and getting people to like me. I obssess over if anybody's saying anything bad about me. Iv'e even checked my boss's calendar to see where she is if I sense she's been gone too long. She must be talking about me!
Insanity, right there. :rotfxko
Now, I'm working on those things. I'm looking at my reaction to people, things, and situations. I'm making use of the space between stimuli and response.
In the words of the late Walter Cronkite, "And that's the rest of the story."
Or the beginning of the story.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 23
Am not sure of the protocol here - do we just post things that touch our lives? I was reading Leaving the Enchanted Forest; the path from relationship addiction to intimacy by Stephanie Covington and this spoke to me - amazing that it was written around 150 years ago
Dinah Maria Mulock Craik (1826-1887) - from A Life for a Life
Oh, the comfort—
the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person—
having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words,
but pouring them all right out,
just as they are,
chaff and grain together;
certain that a faithful hand will take and sift them,
keep what is worth keeping,
and then with the breath of kindness blow the rest away.
Have a lovely evening
Jean
Dinah Maria Mulock Craik (1826-1887) - from A Life for a Life
Oh, the comfort—
the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person—
having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words,
but pouring them all right out,
just as they are,
chaff and grain together;
certain that a faithful hand will take and sift them,
keep what is worth keeping,
and then with the breath of kindness blow the rest away.
Have a lovely evening
Jean
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,776
Dinah Maria Mulock Craik (1826-1887) - from A Life for a Life
Oh, the comfort—
the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person—
having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words,
but pouring them all right out,
just as they are,
chaff and grain together;
certain that a faithful hand will take and sift them,
keep what is worth keeping,
and then with the breath of kindness blow the rest away.
Oh, the comfort—
the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person—
having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words,
but pouring them all right out,
just as they are,
chaff and grain together;
certain that a faithful hand will take and sift them,
keep what is worth keeping,
and then with the breath of kindness blow the rest away.
I've read this before several times but never knew who said it. Thanks!
Leap of Faith Survivor
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 4,555
Originally Posted by WakeUp 
I try to seek people's approval by being a chronic overachiever and getting people to like me. I obssess over if anybody's saying anything bad about me. Iv'e even checked my boss's calendar to see where she is if I sense she's been gone too long. She must be talking about me!
You are off to a good start!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: South Dakota
Posts: 346
I try to seek people's approval by being a chronic overachiever and getting people to like me. I obssess over if anybody's saying anything bad about me.
(((Wakeup))) Wow. Sounds familiar. I teach. Am forever taking on more and more extra duties, coaching, after hours jobs to show how "good" and "committed" I am. Hoping this will make people want to be with me. Problem is...often it does the opposite. Other see this attempt at "working" to belong as arrogance and they shy away.
Interesting isn't it? When we try too hard to control something...it most often backfires.
Well, anyway, Wake...here you will be loved and welcomed no matter what you do or don't do. Isn't that refreshing?
(((Jane)))Thanks for the beautiful poem.
(((SG)))Thanks for the kind words
(((Grateful)))Thanks so much for the pm. It is always so wonderful to be specially remembered.
Love,
Annie
(((Wakeup))) Wow. Sounds familiar. I teach. Am forever taking on more and more extra duties, coaching, after hours jobs to show how "good" and "committed" I am. Hoping this will make people want to be with me. Problem is...often it does the opposite. Other see this attempt at "working" to belong as arrogance and they shy away.
Interesting isn't it? When we try too hard to control something...it most often backfires.
Well, anyway, Wake...here you will be loved and welcomed no matter what you do or don't do. Isn't that refreshing?
(((Jane)))Thanks for the beautiful poem.
(((SG)))Thanks for the kind words
(((Grateful)))Thanks so much for the pm. It is always so wonderful to be specially remembered.
Love,
Annie
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 23
Wake - up - the chronic overachieving at work - me to a T also! Look at me - how good I am. Have just started a six month contract in which I have gone in suggesting things that could make work so much easier - why do I do that?? Why can't I leave things as they are as I am not going to be there in 6 months time! My problem then is that my alcoholic thinking kicks in, I don't join them on the tea break in the kitchen for a chat - effectively isolating myself - and then imagine they are talking about me.
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
((Jean)) - welcome!! I love the poem, BTW!!
((WakeUp)) - I, too, was always the over-achiever, also, and am, a little right now because I just started a new job, but I'm still setting boundaries.
I realized, this morning, that I really HAVE come a good ways in my codie recovery. This was my first time to work breakfast shift, came in with only 4 hours of sleep (cappuccino was calling my name!!). It didn't go nearly as bad as I'd feared. There were a couple of women who tried to give me a hard time when I made mistakes.
I've made a buddy....well, quite honestly, I've made a FEW buddies, but this one basically told ME "you're okay, girl...don't worry" and told THEM "she's FINE" in a tone of voice that said BACK OFF I later told both of them that I was new, had never worked breakfast, I was sorry for the mistakes I'd made, but I truly appreciated all their help.
In the past, I would STILL be in a fret about whether or not I was going to lose my job over simple mistakes. My mgr said I did great. I realized I am picking up on things that a shift mgr needs to pick up on. I started working there only 11 days ago, and have yet to work 40 hours, so this is good.
I came home and found out we have a friend who has been tentatively diagnosed with lupus. Stepmom starts talking as she is the authority. I stated what I knew about it....she started to argue. I again, calmly stated what I knew (with my nursing education) then ended the conversation.
By this time I was very tired and cranky, so I KNOW that some of my codie recovery is becoming second nature. WOW!!!! I'd do the happy dance but I'm too sleepy.
((Annie)) - I'm so glad you're having a good Easter and love the message you got this morning from the televangelist. You have come such a long way, sweetie.
I'll be going to sleep, soon. I get to work tomorrow and Tue., too.
Oh, and I bought myself a rotisserie chicken as that is what I was craving and stepmom didn't cook. Elvis prefers white meat.....sigh.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
((WakeUp)) - I, too, was always the over-achiever, also, and am, a little right now because I just started a new job, but I'm still setting boundaries.
I realized, this morning, that I really HAVE come a good ways in my codie recovery. This was my first time to work breakfast shift, came in with only 4 hours of sleep (cappuccino was calling my name!!). It didn't go nearly as bad as I'd feared. There were a couple of women who tried to give me a hard time when I made mistakes.
I've made a buddy....well, quite honestly, I've made a FEW buddies, but this one basically told ME "you're okay, girl...don't worry" and told THEM "she's FINE" in a tone of voice that said BACK OFF
I later told both of them that I was new, had never worked breakfast, I was sorry for the mistakes I'd made, but I truly appreciated all their help.In the past, I would STILL be in a fret about whether or not I was going to lose my job over simple mistakes. My mgr said I did great. I realized I am picking up on things that a shift mgr needs to pick up on. I started working there only 11 days ago, and have yet to work 40 hours, so this is good.
I came home and found out we have a friend who has been tentatively diagnosed with lupus. Stepmom starts talking as she is the authority. I stated what I knew about it....she started to argue. I again, calmly stated what I knew (with my nursing education) then ended the conversation.
By this time I was very tired and cranky, so I KNOW that some of my codie recovery is becoming second nature. WOW!!!! I'd do the happy dance but I'm too sleepy.
((Annie)) - I'm so glad you're having a good Easter and love the message you got this morning from the televangelist. You have come such a long way, sweetie.
I'll be going to sleep, soon. I get to work tomorrow and Tue., too.
Oh, and I bought myself a rotisserie chicken as that is what I was craving and stepmom didn't cook. Elvis prefers white meat.....sigh.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
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Yes, I also was an over-achiever at work and had to know that every single person involved, thought I was doing a great job. It was exhausting!
Now, I'm working on being accepted as a good worker, but not the best.
We had Easter dinner with daughter's in-laws and it was really nice. Then, we were chatting and sharing 'kid' stories and husband thought it would be appropriate to tell a story that made me look bad. I began to tell my side of the story, began to defend myself and then felt miserable.
Oh well, the P.A. behaviour at work and I never know when it will strike.
Anyways, it's been a gorgeous weekend here and I'm glad we're able to share here.
Now, I'm working on being accepted as a good worker, but not the best.We had Easter dinner with daughter's in-laws and it was really nice. Then, we were chatting and sharing 'kid' stories and husband thought it would be appropriate to tell a story that made me look bad. I began to tell my side of the story, began to defend myself and then felt miserable.
Oh well, the P.A. behaviour at work and I never know when it will strike. Anyways, it's been a gorgeous weekend here and I'm glad we're able to share here.
Leap of Faith Survivor
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 4,555
Oh, (((Anna))), I am sorry you husband felt the need to share a story at your expense..
I have been at the end of that behavior too, many times...We know it is theirs and not ours, but it is hurtful just the same, and we instinctively feel the need to defend ourselves, even though it is clear to others around us, the PA's intent.
warmest hugs, Anna
I have been at the end of that behavior too, many times...We know it is theirs and not ours, but it is hurtful just the same, and we instinctively feel the need to defend ourselves, even though it is clear to others around us, the PA's intent.
warmest hugs, Anna
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
((Anna)) - I, too, am sorry your husband did that. It DOES hurt and I always get defensive. I think I have a PA button that gets pushed and I haven't learned how to NOT react immediately.
So, dad and I just got into it again. I was trying to sleep but he and stepmom had to have a conversation in 2 separate rooms and yell to each other for 30 minutes. When I said something, it was all my fault, and he brought up things that made no sense...like the fact that I stay in my room...um, because I can't stand the rest of the house that's filled with cigarette smoke?
I told him I'd do my best to get my money together and get the heck out of their life ASAP. Tess tells me to keep my eye on the prize. I'm trying, but it seems so darned far away. Thank God I have a job, now and can get out of this house.
At least it didn't go as far as it normally does...I closed myself in my room, after I corraled Elvis and Mots, who had each headed for a door to get the heck out of the house.
I'm tired, I worked late last night and today....they had fun and have done nothing all day, but it's MY fault they woke me up? Something's wrong with this picture.
Okay, trying to calm down and get back to sleeping mode again. Thanks for letting me vent. Coming to you live from Dysfunction Junction.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
So, dad and I just got into it again. I was trying to sleep but he and stepmom had to have a conversation in 2 separate rooms and yell to each other for 30 minutes. When I said something, it was all my fault, and he brought up things that made no sense...like the fact that I stay in my room...um, because I can't stand the rest of the house that's filled with cigarette smoke?
I told him I'd do my best to get my money together and get the heck out of their life ASAP. Tess tells me to keep my eye on the prize. I'm trying, but it seems so darned far away. Thank God I have a job, now and can get out of this house.
At least it didn't go as far as it normally does...I closed myself in my room, after I corraled Elvis and Mots, who had each headed for a door to get the heck out of the house.
I'm tired, I worked late last night and today....they had fun and have done nothing all day, but it's MY fault they woke me up? Something's wrong with this picture.
Okay, trying to calm down and get back to sleeping mode again. Thanks for letting me vent. Coming to you live from Dysfunction Junction.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: BC Canada
Posts: 1,221
(((Anna)) Sorry for what happened with your husband, that is very hurtful..
(((Amy)) glad things went well with your morning shift, you go girl!!! It doesn't surprise me that you have a few pals already..sorry about the upset at home..
(((Grateful)) Hope you had a nice Easter day!!
(((Amy)) glad things went well with your morning shift, you go girl!!! It doesn't surprise me that you have a few pals already..sorry about the upset at home..
(((Grateful)) Hope you had a nice Easter day!!
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 23
Hi Anna - also sorry that your husband put you down - suppose I would wonder why he felt the need to do that - perhaps he felt bad after but am sure you were most gracious at the time - good for you
Amy - Kudos on the work stuff
and to all - thanks for your welcomes
Amy - Kudos on the work stuff
and to all - thanks for your welcomes
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Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,501
You guys are the very best!
It means so much to me to hear your kind words.
So, we learned on the weekend, that son, daughter-in-law and baby Jade will be staying in Vancouver permanently. I am so glad that dil found a great job for when she returns back to work after maternity leave. And, I am really glad they don't have to move again because they have both invested a lot in making a good life in Vancouver. It makes me feel especially grateful to have Dylan just a few minutes away. And, now I have to figure out some way to connect with Jade as she grows up, since I won't be seeing her too often.
Amy, just keep focusing on your thoughts of moving out and getting your own place. I'm glad work is going well.
It sounds like everyone had a good weekend!
It means so much to me to hear your kind words.
So, we learned on the weekend, that son, daughter-in-law and baby Jade will be staying in Vancouver permanently. I am so glad that dil found a great job for when she returns back to work after maternity leave. And, I am really glad they don't have to move again because they have both invested a lot in making a good life in Vancouver. It makes me feel especially grateful to have Dylan just a few minutes away. And, now I have to figure out some way to connect with Jade as she grows up, since I won't be seeing her too often.
Amy, just keep focusing on your thoughts of moving out and getting your own place. I'm glad work is going well.
It sounds like everyone had a good weekend!
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