Codependency And Beyond - Part 11
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
I have spent the last few hours cleaning YEARS of stuff from the floor of one of my closets that stepmom had tossed in there. Much of it has been thrown away, though I did save the things Brit did in school, as I remember how much it meant to me that mom saved MY stuff.
I looked through the photo albums on the top shelf, and am relieved that I DO have some family photos. I got to missing mom, too much, though, so am taking a break before hauling more trash out to the carport. These are two closets, maybe 5 feet long? Haven't even BEGUN the 2nd, but am feeling tremendously motivated, despte being congested.
I'm thinking this is part of clearing out the old and moving forward with the new. I am also tickled to be watching the superbowl for the first time in ages
((Lisa)) - glad you got the plywood and hopefully, will get everything you need. I think of all the tools I had with XABF#1 that he kept....grrr, but it's okay. I can do just fine, in most cases, with a butter knife and duct tape
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
I looked through the photo albums on the top shelf, and am relieved that I DO have some family photos. I got to missing mom, too much, though, so am taking a break before hauling more trash out to the carport. These are two closets, maybe 5 feet long? Haven't even BEGUN the 2nd, but am feeling tremendously motivated, despte being congested.
I'm thinking this is part of clearing out the old and moving forward with the new. I am also tickled to be watching the superbowl for the first time in ages
((Lisa)) - glad you got the plywood and hopefully, will get everything you need. I think of all the tools I had with XABF#1 that he kept....grrr, but it's okay. I can do just fine, in most cases, with a butter knife and duct tape
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: South Dakota
Posts: 346
(((Oh Amy))) How good it must feel to clear out the old...and I am so glad you found some family momentos/photos. How resourceful you are with a butter knife and duct tape...I like that kind of creative problem solving...my Destination Imagination team would be proud.
(((Lisa))) How great that HP provided the wood you needed for project. I so wish I lived close...I would love to come help you set up. I love new beginnings.
(((Grateful, Anna, SG, Live))) Thank you for helping me work through my awfulizing. It has been an awful day...so much anxiety that I'm getting chest pains....I don't think it's serious as I don't have the other signs of a heart attack...probably just angina...but today I feel like I'm drowning....in sorrow. Tomorrow will help. I will have my school, my students, my work...a purpose. It's these nasty weekends with too much time...
Love you all
Annie
(((Lisa))) How great that HP provided the wood you needed for project. I so wish I lived close...I would love to come help you set up. I love new beginnings.
(((Grateful, Anna, SG, Live))) Thank you for helping me work through my awfulizing. It has been an awful day...so much anxiety that I'm getting chest pains....I don't think it's serious as I don't have the other signs of a heart attack...probably just angina...but today I feel like I'm drowning....in sorrow. Tomorrow will help. I will have my school, my students, my work...a purpose. It's these nasty weekends with too much time...
Love you all
Annie
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: BC Canada
Posts: 1,221
((((Annie))))sorry you were feeling so much anxiety today, hang in there girl.
(((Amy)) happy for you, that you found your old family photo's..my pictures are very important to me too...good for you cleaning out your closets...thats something I need to do also, I have a hard time throwing things away, same as I have a hard time letting go of the past sometimes...
(((Amy)) happy for you, that you found your old family photo's..my pictures are very important to me too...good for you cleaning out your closets...thats something I need to do also, I have a hard time throwing things away, same as I have a hard time letting go of the past sometimes...
Leap of Faith Survivor
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 4,555
You are reading from The Language Of Letting Go by Melody Beattie Copyright - 1990 The Hazelden Foundation
Letting Go Of Guilt
February 8
Feeling good about ourselves is a choice. So is feeling guilty. When guilt is legitimate, it acts as a warning light, signaling that we're off course. Then, its purpose is finished.
Wallowing in guilt allows others to control us. It makes us feel not good enough. It prevents us from setting boundaries and taking other healthy action to care for ourselves.
We may have learned to habitually feel guilty as an instinctive reaction to life. Now we know that we don't have to feel guilty. Even if we have done something that violates a value, extended guilt does not solve the problem; it prolongs the problem. So make an amend. Change a behavior. Then let guilt go.
Today, God, help me to become entirely ready to let go of guilt. Please take it from me, and replace it with self-love.
Letting Go Of Guilt
February 8
Feeling good about ourselves is a choice. So is feeling guilty. When guilt is legitimate, it acts as a warning light, signaling that we're off course. Then, its purpose is finished.
Wallowing in guilt allows others to control us. It makes us feel not good enough. It prevents us from setting boundaries and taking other healthy action to care for ourselves.
We may have learned to habitually feel guilty as an instinctive reaction to life. Now we know that we don't have to feel guilty. Even if we have done something that violates a value, extended guilt does not solve the problem; it prolongs the problem. So make an amend. Change a behavior. Then let guilt go.
Today, God, help me to become entirely ready to let go of guilt. Please take it from me, and replace it with self-love.
Leap of Faith Survivor
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 4,555
((Amy)) I love clearing out what is no longer needed, feels great and I know when I create space in my life, I can look forward to it being filled with something new and exciting...you are so right about that
I am glad you found some family photos....even tho it made you sad, missing your mom
I love that you are claiming this room for you!
(((Annie))) This is going to get better...this is one of the really hard parts.... that you have been going through...facing your fears for your child and learning to not let them devour you..to learn as a parent, that you have to go against your parental instincts, in this process, is scary... I struggled with this....
its big, really big...and I think you are brave and willing, to walk a new path.....you are in the process of learning to support your son in a more powerful way; to be a part of the solution and not the problem, and most important, reclaiming your Self.
(((Suzi)))..thinking of you...
I am glad you found some family photos....even tho it made you sad, missing your mom
I love that you are claiming this room for you!
(((Annie))) This is going to get better...this is one of the really hard parts.... that you have been going through...facing your fears for your child and learning to not let them devour you..to learn as a parent, that you have to go against your parental instincts, in this process, is scary... I struggled with this....
its big, really big...and I think you are brave and willing, to walk a new path.
....you are in the process of learning to support your son in a more powerful way; to be a part of the solution and not the problem, and most important, reclaiming your Self.(((Suzi)))..thinking of you...
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,518
This is a great reading for me, Grateful, because I find that I have to let go of guilt many times over. And, it's interesting to me, that at a time like this when I am on vacation and having a fabulous time, the guilt pushes forward into my thoughts more. I learned in childhood that whenever something good happened to me, I would pay the price. It always happened that way, and even today I struggle with that.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: South Dakota
Posts: 346
(((Anna)))) I do have meditation tapes. Funny, I even use them to teach my speech class how to calm down and lessen the effects of stage fright. I will have to start using them for myself more often. I also so understand your thought process that goes..."good things in my life need to be tempered by bad things". For whatever reason, I too was taught to wait for the other shoe to drop. How freeing it will be when I can let that thought process go. Thanks for sharing.
(((Grateful))) Thanks again for understanding how hard this is. Few others around me do which makes the process harder. My brother (trying to be helpful) told me to "get happy" the other day. Oh how I wish... Thinking of going back on the Lexapro...but it's so expensive and it numbed me out. Believe it or not...I like feeling something better than nothing...but I am so low now..that I think I need some leveling out.
I do have a question though...that is at the core of my sorrow.
Why does my son refuse to pick up calls, answer texts, or answer emails from anyone in the family? I only attempt to contact him about once a week at best and that is only to say hello...I love you. But when he sees it's me...he refuses to answer. He used to respond to daughters...but won't do that anymore either. But OMG..if one of his party buddies texts...he is breathless to return the text in record time. WHY???? We are not trying to interfere...but only help. Why would he not simply text back. I'm doing fine...I love you...talk to you later????? That kind of selfishness is so beyond my comprehension...
Any insight would be appreciated.
Annie
(((Grateful))) Thanks again for understanding how hard this is. Few others around me do which makes the process harder. My brother (trying to be helpful) told me to "get happy" the other day. Oh how I wish... Thinking of going back on the Lexapro...but it's so expensive and it numbed me out. Believe it or not...I like feeling something better than nothing...but I am so low now..that I think I need some leveling out.
I do have a question though...that is at the core of my sorrow.
Why does my son refuse to pick up calls, answer texts, or answer emails from anyone in the family? I only attempt to contact him about once a week at best and that is only to say hello...I love you. But when he sees it's me...he refuses to answer. He used to respond to daughters...but won't do that anymore either. But OMG..if one of his party buddies texts...he is breathless to return the text in record time. WHY???? We are not trying to interfere...but only help. Why would he not simply text back. I'm doing fine...I love you...talk to you later????? That kind of selfishness is so beyond my comprehension...
Any insight would be appreciated.
Annie
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,518
Annie,
It could be guilt, on your son's part. He feels that he is making poor choices right now, and talking to family members might make him feel worse about himself. And, conversely he is anxious to talk to his party buddies because they reinforce that he is doing the right thing.
I truly believe that if you can wait this out, he will come back to you. And, believe me I didn't do that when my daughter turned 14 and got caught up in all kinds of dangerous things - not drinking or drugs, but close friendships with very dangerous people. I let her behaviour make me sick and crazy and eventually help push me towards self-medicating with alcohol.
It could be guilt, on your son's part. He feels that he is making poor choices right now, and talking to family members might make him feel worse about himself. And, conversely he is anxious to talk to his party buddies because they reinforce that he is doing the right thing.
I truly believe that if you can wait this out, he will come back to you. And, believe me I didn't do that when my daughter turned 14 and got caught up in all kinds of dangerous things - not drinking or drugs, but close friendships with very dangerous people. I let her behaviour make me sick and crazy and eventually help push me towards self-medicating with alcohol.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: BC Canada
Posts: 1,221
(((Annie)) I think Anna's right about the guilt, I have noticed with my son when I have seen him, which isn't too often, that he seems to be uncomfortable around me sometimes, he probably feels I'm disappointed in him and knows how much I have worried about him, so I think he feels guilty...but he knows I love him no matter what he does...sending prayers for You and your son, Annie
((Grateful)) thankyou for the reading, It doesn't take much for me to feel guilty, since I sometimes mistakenly think that I am responsible for everyone's happiness, thank goodness I am getting better...and I know I have allowed other's to control me with guilt, but I like to say my guilt button doesn't work anymore...
((Grateful)) thankyou for the reading, It doesn't take much for me to feel guilty, since I sometimes mistakenly think that I am responsible for everyone's happiness, thank goodness I am getting better...and I know I have allowed other's to control me with guilt, but I like to say my guilt button doesn't work anymore...
mergirl
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Paradise
Posts: 4,161
when I was your sons age Annie, I knew my parents were disappointed in me, whether they said so or not. I didn't want to think about the life they wanted for me, or listen to there well-meaning suggestions. I was disappointed in them too. I was disappointed that they let their marriage turn so sour, and that they didn't accept me and my friends for the totally cool adults I thought we all were =) Eventually, between the ages of 15 and 20, I just felt like I was from a different planet and I avoided them as much as possible (I ran away at 16, months went by where they had no contact).
There wasn't anything they could have done to alter my path. Eventually I made my way back to a relationship with them. My daughter avoids my calls right now too, I just try not to lash out so that the future reconciliation will be as easy as possible.
There wasn't anything they could have done to alter my path. Eventually I made my way back to a relationship with them. My daughter avoids my calls right now too, I just try not to lash out so that the future reconciliation will be as easy as possible.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,788
Altho I know better, intellectually, I still carry guilt around like a too-heavy battered old suitcase. Dragging it around like Ahab's white whale. I'm learning how to let it go, but it's an old ingrained habit and will take time to break.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
I am on my way to pick up a few "totes" and deliver them to SC for one of dad's expediter buddies. He's dad's age, has had a run of bad luck, lately with vehicle problems and gas getting shut off at the house, yet he's been looking out for me, called dad and said "if Amy wants it, I have a trip for her". I am truly blessed to have so many people looking out for me!
I am going right by work, so am stopping by to pick up the CD for my phone that one of the girls had borrowed. I'm going in VERY happy and confident, and am not getting into details.
I went to take some stuff to my storage shed and came home with more than I took. I am very, very relieved..there is a lot of my stuff left. I think it's no small coincidence I found my framed serenity prayer and my very favorite "don't quit" poem that I had framed. I brought both of them home, along with a pic of baby-Brit with her mama, taken shortly before her mama died in the wreck. I didn't think much of it, until Tess pointed out, today, that I really am "reclaiming me"....it feels good.
Thanks to all of YOU for being here when I finally hit my codie bottom.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
I am going right by work, so am stopping by to pick up the CD for my phone that one of the girls had borrowed. I'm going in VERY happy and confident, and am not getting into details.
I went to take some stuff to my storage shed and came home with more than I took. I am very, very relieved..there is a lot of my stuff left. I think it's no small coincidence I found my framed serenity prayer and my very favorite "don't quit" poem that I had framed. I brought both of them home, along with a pic of baby-Brit with her mama, taken shortly before her mama died in the wreck. I didn't think much of it, until Tess pointed out, today, that I really am "reclaiming me"....it feels good.
Thanks to all of YOU for being here when I finally hit my codie bottom.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: BC Canada
Posts: 1,221
(((Least)) It took me a long time to let go of my guilt too, I have forgiven myself now and just try to live the best I can today, and try not to do anything that I will regret tomorrow...I can't change my past, but I can change my life now, and my future...
(((Amy)) That's so great that you still have all those special things from the past...and that you are reclaiming you...happy for you Amy...
(((Amy)) That's so great that you still have all those special things from the past...and that you are reclaiming you...happy for you Amy...
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
Annie, the others have already said what I have seen and felt better than I can. The first time I saw a counselor, I knew how to say things right and she pointed out that while I was so careful with my wording it was still very apparent that I was extremely angry about some of the things. I have been learning how to accept my emotions and communicating them ever since....bit by itty bit. My point is: I might have been saying the right things in a right manner to the person I was so angry with (my husband then) but the anger was oozing out of me and communicating more than what I was saying. Our kids are very good at reading our moods and I am sure he feels guilt and lots of other things.
I have been trying for a long time not to act out of my guilts....but I still am really hit by them with my family, heck, they try to do that to me! ugh.
I am feeling better and better every day! Awesome! I even got out the old pots and pans and made a down home country meal this evening. I am out of practice and it wasn't very good...so, more practice. This IS a big deal for me..I have barely cooked for a number of years.
I got an email from the library today...they have a new student for me! YAY! This young man will be far more challenging..it may be as much or more a learning experience for me than him....oooo, that doesn't sound right but it feels true.
hugs to all!
I have been trying for a long time not to act out of my guilts....but I still am really hit by them with my family, heck, they try to do that to me! ugh.
I am feeling better and better every day! Awesome! I even got out the old pots and pans and made a down home country meal this evening. I am out of practice and it wasn't very good...so, more practice. This IS a big deal for me..I have barely cooked for a number of years.
I got an email from the library today...they have a new student for me! YAY! This young man will be far more challenging..it may be as much or more a learning experience for me than him....oooo, that doesn't sound right but it feels true.
hugs to all!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Least))) - I still have some guilt to let go of, too. I'm a work in progress, as far as that goes.
(((Live))) - so glad you are feeling better and better. Some of the things I found in the storage shed was kitchen utensils...guess I used to cook, some, huh?
So, I made it to SC and back. However, the street address I was given was incorrect, the name on the bill of lading was sort of wrong (the name on the bldg was an abbreviation, not so on the bill of lading and they weren't exactly enough alike to make sense).
I spent a while on a very dark, country road in the middle of nowhere..with nothing but a possum to keep me company (I stopped and let him get on to his side of the road). Finally had to call B (the guy I did this trip for) and found the place (I was there, just didn't know for sure), and got the totes delivered.
I spent 45 MINUTES giving myself the riot act, worried that B would think I was an idiot! This is ridiculous. Short of having ESP, there was no way I would have found the place with the wrong street number (it had me more than 6 miles away) and somewhat wrong name....yet I expect myself to be perfect....still yet.
I listened to feel-good music on the mp3, and chilled after the 45 min. I've done trips for B for years, and even if he is ticked that I called at 11:30, he'll get over it. I'm thinking that there's no way I could be in any type of romantic relationship because I can't even handle JOBS, right now without getting spastic!
I also, later realized, that I was feeling very vulnerable out there in the dark..in the middle of nowhere, and then angry for feeling that way.
Oh, when I stopped by work, my teeny bopper that had my CD? She's turned in her 2-week notice to quit She's had another job that has promoted her, so I'm happy for her. Walking in there, I felt SOOO validated that I have done right in leaving.
Got home at almost 3 a.m., turned on my bedroom light and was met by Patches and Elvis, laying on my bed, looking at me like "mom, you just woke us up!!" I've been in such a good mood, I'm hoping that a little sleep and I'll wake back up in one. I HATE the side of me that expects me to be perfect!
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
(((Live))) - so glad you are feeling better and better. Some of the things I found in the storage shed was kitchen utensils...guess I used to cook, some, huh?
So, I made it to SC and back. However, the street address I was given was incorrect, the name on the bill of lading was sort of wrong (the name on the bldg was an abbreviation, not so on the bill of lading and they weren't exactly enough alike to make sense).
I spent a while on a very dark, country road in the middle of nowhere..with nothing but a possum to keep me company (I stopped and let him get on to his side of the road). Finally had to call B (the guy I did this trip for) and found the place (I was there, just didn't know for sure), and got the totes delivered.
I spent 45 MINUTES giving myself the riot act, worried that B would think I was an idiot! This is ridiculous. Short of having ESP, there was no way I would have found the place with the wrong street number (it had me more than 6 miles away) and somewhat wrong name....yet I expect myself to be perfect....still yet.
I listened to feel-good music on the mp3, and chilled after the 45 min. I've done trips for B for years, and even if he is ticked that I called at 11:30, he'll get over it. I'm thinking that there's no way I could be in any type of romantic relationship because I can't even handle JOBS, right now without getting spastic!
I also, later realized, that I was feeling very vulnerable out there in the dark..in the middle of nowhere, and then angry for feeling that way.
Oh, when I stopped by work, my teeny bopper that had my CD? She's turned in her 2-week notice to quit
She's had another job that has promoted her, so I'm happy for her. Walking in there, I felt SOOO validated that I have done right in leaving.Got home at almost 3 a.m., turned on my bedroom light and was met by Patches and Elvis, laying on my bed, looking at me like "mom, you just woke us up!!" I've been in such a good mood, I'm hoping that a little sleep and I'll wake back up in one. I HATE the side of me that expects me to be perfect!
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Leap of Faith Survivor
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 4,555
You are reading from The Language Of Letting Go by Melody Beattie copyright - 1990 The Hazelden Foundation
Letting Go With Love
February 9
When people with a compulsive disorder do what ever it is they are compelled to do, they are not saying they don't love you - they are saying they don't love themselves.
- Codependent No More
Gentle people, gentle souls, go in love.
Yes, at times we need to be firm, assertive: those times when we change, when we need to convince others and ourselves we have rights.
Those times are not permanent. We may need to get angry to make a decision or set a boundary, but we can't afford to stay resentful. It is difficult to have compassion for one who is victimizing us, but once we've removed ourselves as victims, we can find compassion.
Our path, our way, is a gentle one, walked in love - love for self, love for others. Set boundaries, Detach. Take care of ourselves. And as quickly as possible, do those things in love.
Today, and whenever possible, God, let me be gentle with myself and others. Help me find the balance between assertive action taken in my own best interests, and for love for others. Help me understand that at times those two ideas are one. Help me find the right path for me.
Letting Go With Love
February 9
When people with a compulsive disorder do what ever it is they are compelled to do, they are not saying they don't love you - they are saying they don't love themselves.
- Codependent No More
Gentle people, gentle souls, go in love.
Yes, at times we need to be firm, assertive: those times when we change, when we need to convince others and ourselves we have rights.
Those times are not permanent. We may need to get angry to make a decision or set a boundary, but we can't afford to stay resentful. It is difficult to have compassion for one who is victimizing us, but once we've removed ourselves as victims, we can find compassion.
Our path, our way, is a gentle one, walked in love - love for self, love for others. Set boundaries, Detach. Take care of ourselves. And as quickly as possible, do those things in love.
Today, and whenever possible, God, let me be gentle with myself and others. Help me find the balance between assertive action taken in my own best interests, and for love for others. Help me understand that at times those two ideas are one. Help me find the right path for me.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: BC Canada
Posts: 1,221
I'm feeling very Thankful today,
My son is doing good, has been going to meetings and is in a positive frame of mind.
The daughter that got fired from her job awhile back has got a new job.
My doggie Sammy is done with his antibiotics and seems to be all better.
I have been able to set some boundaries with my daughter....
My son is doing good, has been going to meetings and is in a positive frame of mind.
The daughter that got fired from her job awhile back has got a new job.
My doggie Sammy is done with his antibiotics and seems to be all better.
I have been able to set some boundaries with my daughter....
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: South Dakota
Posts: 346
(((Amy)))Be gentle with yourself. I think you did the exact right thing by confirming delivery address. I'm sorry you were afraid on the lonely road...but I thought you held it together really well! I'm proud of you.
You all gave me a lot to think about with son. (((Live))) It's kind of scary to think that I could be saying all the right things to him, but that he could be perceiving disappointment in my contacts. How do I let him know, then, that I love him no matter what...and that contacting him is truly just because I want to show my love and support?
(((Lisa))) I get that my son is disppointed in H and me too. We have given him plenty to be disappointed in...we have had very stormy marriage that I know that put angst and pressure on him and the girls. I hadn't thought before that he is angry at us for that...as he is such a quiet kid. I have offered more than once to allow him and the other kids a safe environment to vent his frustrations to us...and he doesn't seem to want to do that.
I am starting to get that he needs to travel his own path...and thank you (((Anna))) for giving me hope that he will find his way back to me...
So...the long and short of it is...that there is no formula to producing healthy, happy, successful kids. The child rearing books are wrong. The church is wrong. It seems that what we do as parents matters little (other than the obvious love, support and sustenance)...that each person has a plan and he/she will follow it.
It's a thought that is both liberating and depressing at the same time. I'm going to need to mull on that one awhile.
As always...
Love and hugs and great gratitude that you all are out there for me.
Annie
You all gave me a lot to think about with son. (((Live))) It's kind of scary to think that I could be saying all the right things to him, but that he could be perceiving disappointment in my contacts. How do I let him know, then, that I love him no matter what...and that contacting him is truly just because I want to show my love and support?
(((Lisa))) I get that my son is disppointed in H and me too. We have given him plenty to be disappointed in...we have had very stormy marriage that I know that put angst and pressure on him and the girls. I hadn't thought before that he is angry at us for that...as he is such a quiet kid. I have offered more than once to allow him and the other kids a safe environment to vent his frustrations to us...and he doesn't seem to want to do that.
I am starting to get that he needs to travel his own path...and thank you (((Anna))) for giving me hope that he will find his way back to me...
So...the long and short of it is...that there is no formula to producing healthy, happy, successful kids. The child rearing books are wrong. The church is wrong. It seems that what we do as parents matters little (other than the obvious love, support and sustenance)...that each person has a plan and he/she will follow it.
It's a thought that is both liberating and depressing at the same time. I'm going to need to mull on that one awhile.
As always...
Love and hugs and great gratitude that you all are out there for me.
Annie
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
