Codependency And Beyond Part 8
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,786
We would have gotten to her friend's house before sunset if she'd been ready to go by the time I said I had to leave... She's so thoughtless she didn't think about how fast it gets dark after sundown and probably doesn't care about the risk to me as long as she gets where she wants to go. I have now told her that unless we leave ONE HOUR before sunset I will not drive her anywhere.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Livingroom
Posts: 323
Hi all.. Long time since I have been here. I have spent many months totally engrossed in my codie issues. I have allowed myself to relive sexual abuse in order to hold on to a relationship with an active sexual addict. Not only had I hurt myself but him as well. I fiscally walk away from it just a little over a month ago. And I blocked my phone and email from him last week. It has been truly painful but do able......until now. My mother had 20 years of sobriety and she has been abusing her pain meds to the point she went to work high yesterday. She is a detox nurse. So now not only is my heart coming out of my chest from participating in a relationship that was clearly sick for both of us... but my guts are on the floor from the pain of my mother using again. It feels like all my childhood pain is washing all over me and becoming mixed with the pain of today. The real insanity is I'm fighting the urge to call the ex... Somewhere in my sick mind I still think he is still the answer. I am actively looking for a new counselor to help me walk through this.
Kendra
Kendra
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Kendra))) - Hi sweetie!! I've missed you. I wish I had some great words of wisdom, but I don't. You have a lot of stuff going on, and I know YOU know the thing to do is take care of you, but it's also the hardest thing for us to do sometimes.
Sending you much love, and many hugs and prayers that you find a new counselor soon.
Amy
Sending you much love, and many hugs and prayers that you find a new counselor soon.
Amy
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: South Dakota
Posts: 346
((((Kendra)))
I agree with Amy...I don't have any great answers for you...but you do have people that are legit on this site...and will listen to your pain and hold your hand until you are stronger.
Don't ever feel you are alone...or that you can't come here and just dump. I've experienced more healing coming here daily and just "listening" and dumping my struggles than anywhere else.
Hugs and prayers to you
Annie
I agree with Amy...I don't have any great answers for you...but you do have people that are legit on this site...and will listen to your pain and hold your hand until you are stronger.
Don't ever feel you are alone...or that you can't come here and just dump. I've experienced more healing coming here daily and just "listening" and dumping my struggles than anywhere else.
Hugs and prayers to you
Annie
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Livingroom
Posts: 323
Thanks Amy and Annie. I am having a hard time not picking up... but what that means to me is picking up the phone or email to only in a since use... My ex has been my drug of choice for a while now. I also have to watch and make sure I don't pick up another man to fix the pain....
Leap of Faith Survivor
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 4,555
(((Kendra))) I am so happy to see you here!
You have been on my mind..
I am sorry your life has been so difficult, that is a lot for one person to carry...stay close and come and talk about whatever or just come and listen if that is your need and as Amy says, try and keep the focus on you...
know that we are here for you and we care very much...
I am so proud of you for letting go of the X...that was huge!
I pray that you will find someone very soon who can support and walk with you through this....sending my prayers....and lots of big hugs!....Grateful
You have been on my mind..
I am sorry your life has been so difficult, that is a lot for one person to carry...stay close and come and talk about whatever or just come and listen if that is your need and as Amy says, try and keep the focus on you...
know that we are here for you and we care very much...
I am so proud of you for letting go of the X...that was huge!
I pray that you will find someone very soon who can support and walk with you through this....sending my prayers....and lots of big hugs!....Grateful
Last edited by grateful2b; 10-11-2009 at 01:17 PM.
Leap of Faith Survivor
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 4,555
Originally Posted by least 
Promised dk I'd take her to a friend's house in a nearby town if she mowed the back yard. She did it, but was so late in gettng ready to go to friend's house that it was sunset when we got there and I had to drive home in the dark - which my night vision doesn't like to do. It was a scary trip home but I made it safely. Will have to tell her no more rides unless way before sundown... I can't take the stress of driving at night...
Good for you for making a good trade for your services
and good for her for keeping her end of the bargain....I can appreciate your frustration at her thoughtlessness.I am sure her age is a hard time for you both
and in my experience, the thoughtlessness can be a part of that age group. thank God, most do eventually outgrow it!
Last edited by grateful2b; 10-11-2009 at 02:24 PM.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,786
I swear, it never ends! Defiant kid called college kid sister and told her of an argument we'd had earlier today. So college kid calls me asking all about it and advising me how to deal with her younger sister!!!!! College kid has no kids and no experience in raising kids, but after a freshman psychology class last year she now knows everything and feels fine giving me parenting advice!!
bah!
(she's a sophomore this year and didn't like it when I told her that the literal definition of 'sophomore' is 'wise fool')
bah! (she's a sophomore this year and didn't like it when I told her that the literal definition of 'sophomore' is 'wise fool')
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
okay, that is very, very funny...your definition of sophomore, Least!
Today is the day I set aside from all the others....for growth and nurturing, if you will....
I cultivate and enjoy the practice of peacefulness...a very good, good thing....so, I prefer to post and address things tomorrow, i need the observance of these days....
hugs and blessing to each of you, and peace,
Love,
Tena
Today is the day I set aside from all the others....for growth and nurturing, if you will....
I cultivate and enjoy the practice of peacefulness...a very good, good thing....so, I prefer to post and address things tomorrow, i need the observance of these days....
hugs and blessing to each of you, and peace,
Love,
Tena
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
I, too, like your definition of sophomore ((Least)) . I don't have any kids, and learned really quick to not give parenting advice, but I have also learned what works (most of the time) with Brit. I agree with ((Grateful)) that at their age, they are just pretty darned self-centered. I had to remember that I was the same way but, sheez, that was a long, long time ago.
((Kendra)) I think I understand using a man as a drug of choice...it's when that didn't work any more that I turned to the actual drugs. I truly hope you find some help that keeps you from going down that path, sweetie. We are all here for you, okay?
Work was okay. We got really busy, really fast and had no one to wash dishes (they usually have someone do that and make shakes) so I went back there and started doing that. The other 3 servers never minded it, at the time, as they were happy that they still had silverware, glasses, dishes, etc. Later, though, they got all whiney and complained of being tired (they are all at least 20 years younger than me if, not close to 30!!) I wasn't back there maybe 30 minutes, in the dish room.
It was not the girls I've talked with, but the guy who is planning on being manager. He's been in a bad mood so maybe things aren't working out the way he wants. Either way, they were whispering and I felt "ganged up on".
I really, really wish I was one of those people who could just let things "fall apart" at work and not care...just stand there and say "we don't have any glasses for them to drink from? Hmmmmmm. But I'm not.....sigh.
On a good note, I got to see my favorite 2-year-old before I went home
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
. I don't have any kids, and learned really quick to not give parenting advice, but I have also learned what works (most of the time) with Brit. I agree with ((Grateful)) that at their age, they are just pretty darned self-centered. I had to remember that I was the same way but, sheez, that was a long, long time ago.((Kendra)) I think I understand using a man as a drug of choice...it's when that didn't work any more that I turned to the actual drugs. I truly hope you find some help that keeps you from going down that path, sweetie. We are all here for you, okay?
Work was okay. We got really busy, really fast and had no one to wash dishes (they usually have someone do that and make shakes) so I went back there and started doing that. The other 3 servers never minded it, at the time, as they were happy that they still had silverware, glasses, dishes, etc. Later, though, they got all whiney and complained of being tired (they are all at least 20 years younger than me if, not close to 30!!) I wasn't back there maybe 30 minutes, in the dish room.
It was not the girls I've talked with, but the guy who is planning on being manager. He's been in a bad mood so maybe things aren't working out the way he wants. Either way, they were whispering and I felt "ganged up on".
I really, really wish I was one of those people who could just let things "fall apart" at work and not care...just stand there and say "we don't have any glasses for them to drink from? Hmmmmmm. But I'm not.....sigh.
On a good note, I got to see my favorite 2-year-old before I went home
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Livingroom
Posts: 323
Thanks Amy... Yeah I have used drugs in the past to kill the pain... Men don't work and either does the drugs...
I made it through the weekend without contacting him in any form. It was a real struggle. I'm going to my mom's today and set with her while she detox. I have agreed to make sure she calls her doctors to let them know she has been abusing her pain meds. But after that I will let it go. I know that she has to be the one to stop using. Her boyfriend has 18 years sober himself so he also knows. It is amazing how strong denial can be. She has been sick off and on for the past few years and the people closest to her never thought possibility that the symptoms could be active addiction.
I made it through the weekend without contacting him in any form. It was a real struggle. I'm going to my mom's today and set with her while she detox. I have agreed to make sure she calls her doctors to let them know she has been abusing her pain meds. But after that I will let it go. I know that she has to be the one to stop using. Her boyfriend has 18 years sober himself so he also knows. It is amazing how strong denial can be. She has been sick off and on for the past few years and the people closest to her never thought possibility that the symptoms could be active addiction.
Leap of Faith Survivor
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 4,555
You are reading from The Language Of Letting Go by Melody Beattie Copyright 1990 The Hazelden
Being Gentle With Ourselves During Times Of Grief
October 12
The process of adapting to change and loss takes energy. Grief is draining, sometimes exhausting. Some people need to "cocoon for transformation, " in Pat Carne's words, while going through grief.
We may feel more tired than usual. Our ability to function well in other areas of our life may be reduced, temporarily. We may want to hide out in the safety of our bedroom.
Grief is heavy. It can wear us down.
It's okay to be gentle with ourselves when we're going through change and grief. Yes, we want to maintain the disciplines of recovery. But we can be compassionate with ourselves. We do not have to expect more from ourselves than we can deliver during this time. We do not even have to expect as much from ourselves as we would normally or reasonably expect.
We may need more rest, more sleep, more comfort. We may be more needy and have less to give. Its okay to accept ourselves, and our changed needs, during times of grief, stress, and change.
It is okay to allow ourselves to cocoon during times of transformation. We can surrender to the process, and trust that a new, exciting energy is being created within us.
Before long, we will take wings and fly.
God, help me accept my changed needs during times of grief, change, and loss.
Being Gentle With Ourselves During Times Of Grief
October 12
The process of adapting to change and loss takes energy. Grief is draining, sometimes exhausting. Some people need to "cocoon for transformation, " in Pat Carne's words, while going through grief.
We may feel more tired than usual. Our ability to function well in other areas of our life may be reduced, temporarily. We may want to hide out in the safety of our bedroom.
Grief is heavy. It can wear us down.
It's okay to be gentle with ourselves when we're going through change and grief. Yes, we want to maintain the disciplines of recovery. But we can be compassionate with ourselves. We do not have to expect more from ourselves than we can deliver during this time. We do not even have to expect as much from ourselves as we would normally or reasonably expect.
We may need more rest, more sleep, more comfort. We may be more needy and have less to give. Its okay to accept ourselves, and our changed needs, during times of grief, stress, and change.
It is okay to allow ourselves to cocoon during times of transformation. We can surrender to the process, and trust that a new, exciting energy is being created within us.
Before long, we will take wings and fly.
God, help me accept my changed needs during times of grief, change, and loss.
Leap of Faith Survivor
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 4,555
As most of you know, I lost my mother a few months ago. I am one who cocoons.
When my dad passed away twenty-one years ago, I was numb for some time, and eventually I was able to shed some tears for my favorite person in all the world. I questioned the fact that I was so numb at the time. I thought it was some lacking on my part.
With my mother it was the same, only much more so...and it bothered me and I began to question why. My intuition was telling me that, that was how I was filtering the pain until I was strong enough to be open to more.
I have learned some wonderful things during this process, and also I now have a better understanding of my way of nurturing myself through mourning someone I have lost.
When my dad passed away twenty-one years ago, I was numb for some time, and eventually I was able to shed some tears for my favorite person in all the world. I questioned the fact that I was so numb at the time. I thought it was some lacking on my part.
With my mother it was the same, only much more so...and it bothered me and I began to question why. My intuition was telling me that, that was how I was filtering the pain until I was strong enough to be open to more.
I have learned some wonderful things during this process, and also I now have a better understanding of my way of nurturing myself through mourning someone I have lost.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: South Dakota
Posts: 346
(((Grateful)))I also tend to cocoon in times of grief. During extreme stress it is all I can do to just wrap myself in a blanket of lonliness and wait it out. I wish I had the maturity and strength to run to others for support...but that usually doesn't come until after the seclusion period.
Thanks for showing me, again, that I am not the only one who does this. Hugs to all.
Better get back to work!
Thanks for showing me, again, that I am not the only one who does this. Hugs to all.
Better get back to work!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
How reassuring today's share is!
Yes, I am very much a "cocooner" and it has troubled me when others call it isolating and try to force my process, trying to get me to go out and do things insisting that they are helping.
And great gratitude to my sister, who never did that during my time of deepest grief and locking myself away!
In fact, I regulary take time off like this to myself...as it seems essential if I am to have any balance at all.
I become over-stimulated easily....and then I get a frantic feeling, wanting to run away...and as much as I have tried to adapt to others' experience of normal...it just isn't mine.
so thank you for this very meaningful reading today, Grateful.
Yesterday was such a blessing of pampering and love and peace....
the result today is that I am warm with gratitude and wish to be of service in thankfulness.
Wish I could physically give each of you a hug and something that would feel peaceful and relaxing to you. i am not bad at foot reflexology....
Yes, I am very much a "cocooner" and it has troubled me when others call it isolating and try to force my process, trying to get me to go out and do things insisting that they are helping.
And great gratitude to my sister, who never did that during my time of deepest grief and locking myself away!
In fact, I regulary take time off like this to myself...as it seems essential if I am to have any balance at all.
I become over-stimulated easily....and then I get a frantic feeling, wanting to run away...and as much as I have tried to adapt to others' experience of normal...it just isn't mine.
so thank you for this very meaningful reading today, Grateful.
Yesterday was such a blessing of pampering and love and peace....
the result today is that I am warm with gratitude and wish to be of service in thankfulness.
Wish I could physically give each of you a hug and something that would feel peaceful and relaxing to you. i am not bad at foot reflexology....
Leap of Faith Survivor
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 4,555
Originally Posted by liveweyerd
In fact, I regulary take time off like this to myself...as it seems essential if I am to have any balance at all.
I become over-stimulated easily....and then I get a frantic feeling, wanting to run away...and as much as I have tried to adapt to others' experience of normal...it just isn't mine.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: BC Canada
Posts: 1,221
HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!! (((Grateful)))
Thankyou for today's reading...I also am a cocooner, not so much as hide away, but just deny my feelings and pretend I am ok...It took me a long time to get over my Dad's death too..in the beginning it was just too painful to go there.
Live, oh that sounds good, I can feel the peace.
I would really like the reflexology, and I love......foot massages
Talked to all my kids today and feeling very thankful!!!!!
Thankyou for today's reading...I also am a cocooner, not so much as hide away, but just deny my feelings and pretend I am ok...It took me a long time to get over my Dad's death too..in the beginning it was just too painful to go there.
Live, oh that sounds good, I can feel the peace.
I would really like the reflexology, and I love......foot massages
Talked to all my kids today and feeling very thankful!!!!!
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
