Codependency And Beyond Part 8
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: BC Canada
Posts: 1,221
Thanks Grateful for today's reading, very important one for me..
Hi Amy!!!!! My kittie Angel is very happy that I am home, she keeps cuddling with me, which I love...
Congratulations!!! Anna for your new Granddaughter...how wonderful is that..
I really enjoyed my time away, but had some codie struggles, had to keep telling myself its none of my business...I had a visit with my A son, I had not seen him in a couple of years, so happy about seeing him...I thought he wasn't drinking, but did buy some beer, but didn't get carried away, so it was a good visit and we had a good talk. Was so good to see my daughter, all my family and especially my grandson's..sometimes I feel sad I don't live closer..
Hi Amy!!!!! My kittie Angel is very happy that I am home, she keeps cuddling with me, which I love...
Congratulations!!! Anna for your new Granddaughter...how wonderful is that..
I really enjoyed my time away, but had some codie struggles, had to keep telling myself its none of my business...I had a visit with my A son, I had not seen him in a couple of years, so happy about seeing him...I thought he wasn't drinking, but did buy some beer, but didn't get carried away, so it was a good visit and we had a good talk. Was so good to see my daughter, all my family and especially my grandson's..sometimes I feel sad I don't live closer..
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
Ever tried changing positions in bed with a cat wrapped around your neck? Boy is Elvis clingy!! Must be the weather change or just that he misses me because he hasn't slept in my room for a while. Either way, I have a cute little kitty face IN my face right now, and the comforting sound of "purrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr" in my ear
I'm enjoying my day off, doing whatever I feel like doing. Dad has a trip, I think Brit is working so it will be quiet.
Here's another Ralph Marston I thought was good and ya'll might enjoy.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
THE DAILY MOTIVATOR
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
Reasons behind the reasons
+++++++++++++++++++
Look for the reasons behind the reasons. There is some reason
for everything you have chosen to do or to be.
Behind each reason is another reason that drives it, and a
whole string of reasons, reaching to your very core. Dig
deep enough, and connect with your most treasured purposes.
The more clearly you know who you are, the more elevated
your perspective becomes. Develop a solid understanding of
your very own fundamental reasons why, and you'll find
multiple opportunities for moving forward.
When you're in touch with your purpose, you'll find that
many of the external things you see as necessities are not
really necessities at all. The less you need, the more
abundant and fulfilling your life will be.
Know why you do what you do, and you'll understand how to do
it more effectively. When there is authentic passion driving
your actions, those actions get results.
Where there is a real and meaningful reason, fulfillment
naturally follows. Find your deepest reason why, and
activate your most powerful abilities to make it so.
Ralph Marston
I'm enjoying my day off, doing whatever I feel like doing. Dad has a trip, I think Brit is working so it will be quiet.
Here's another Ralph Marston I thought was good and ya'll might enjoy.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
THE DAILY MOTIVATOR
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
Reasons behind the reasons
+++++++++++++++++++
Look for the reasons behind the reasons. There is some reason
for everything you have chosen to do or to be.
Behind each reason is another reason that drives it, and a
whole string of reasons, reaching to your very core. Dig
deep enough, and connect with your most treasured purposes.
The more clearly you know who you are, the more elevated
your perspective becomes. Develop a solid understanding of
your very own fundamental reasons why, and you'll find
multiple opportunities for moving forward.
When you're in touch with your purpose, you'll find that
many of the external things you see as necessities are not
really necessities at all. The less you need, the more
abundant and fulfilling your life will be.
Know why you do what you do, and you'll understand how to do
it more effectively. When there is authentic passion driving
your actions, those actions get results.
Where there is a real and meaningful reason, fulfillment
naturally follows. Find your deepest reason why, and
activate your most powerful abilities to make it so.
Ralph Marston
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,781
Originally Posted by grateful2b 
You are reading from The Language Of Letting Go by Melody Beattie copyright 1990 The Hazelden Foundation
Taking care of ourselves
October 6
It's healthy, wise, and loving to be considerate and responsive to the feelings and needs of others. That's different from caretaking. Caretaking is a self-defeating and, certainly, a relationship-defeating behavior that backfires and can cause us to feel resentful and victimized - because ultimately, what we feel, want, and need will come to the surface.
Some people seem to invite emotional caretaking. We can learn to refuse the invitation. We can be concerned; we can be loving, when possible; but we can place value on our own needs and feelings too. Part of recovery means learning to pay attention to, and place importance on, what we feel, want , and need, because we begin to see that there are clear, predictable, and usually undesirable consequences when we don't.
Be patient and gentle with yourself as you learn to do this. Be understanding with yourself when you slip back into the old behavior of emotional caretaking and self-neglect.
But stop the cycle today. We do not have to feel responsibility for others. We do not have to feel guilty about not feeling responsibility for others. We can even learn to let ourselves feel good about taking responsibility for our needs and feelings.
Today, I will evaluate whether I've slipped into my old behavior of taking responsibility for another's feelings and needs, while neglecting my own. I will own my power, right, and responsibility to place value on myself.
Taking care of ourselves
October 6
It's healthy, wise, and loving to be considerate and responsive to the feelings and needs of others. That's different from caretaking. Caretaking is a self-defeating and, certainly, a relationship-defeating behavior that backfires and can cause us to feel resentful and victimized - because ultimately, what we feel, want, and need will come to the surface.
Some people seem to invite emotional caretaking. We can learn to refuse the invitation. We can be concerned; we can be loving, when possible; but we can place value on our own needs and feelings too. Part of recovery means learning to pay attention to, and place importance on, what we feel, want , and need, because we begin to see that there are clear, predictable, and usually undesirable consequences when we don't.
Be patient and gentle with yourself as you learn to do this. Be understanding with yourself when you slip back into the old behavior of emotional caretaking and self-neglect.
But stop the cycle today. We do not have to feel responsibility for others. We do not have to feel guilty about not feeling responsibility for others. We can even learn to let ourselves feel good about taking responsibility for our needs and feelings.
Today, I will evaluate whether I've slipped into my old behavior of taking responsibility for another's feelings and needs, while neglecting my own. I will own my power, right, and responsibility to place value on myself.
Boy oh boy, did I need to read this today. I've been assuming the 'caretaker' role for too long and can see the damage it's doing to me, and thus, the damage it does to my ability to "be there" for others. It's especially hard with defiant kid cause she's still under 18 and thus, is still my legal and moral responsibility... but it too often ends up with me playing maid and taxi and such, and it's my fault for allowing myself to fall back into that behavior.
I'm kicking myself today for letting dk talk me into/demand that I do a load of clothes for her at my house late last evening, tho she's still sleeping and staying at her sister's. It's HER problem that she didn't tell me she needed to do laundry earlier inthe day. But I let it be MY problem when I let myself get sucked into doing it for her. I caved in and said 'yes' to shut her up, and that just strengthens her neediness and failure to plan.
Been trying to nap with the dogs this morning but can't fall asleep. Too sick to go to my counseling appt today but called and asked if she could call me and we could have a session on the phone. I need to vent to her and get her input.
Amy, I know what you mean about sleeping with cats wrapped around you! Ck's cat misses his 'mommy' and hangs around me, licking and rubbing on me! He's a sweet kitty but that makes it hard to get any rest while constantly being licked and rubbed and getting cat hair in my face!
Leap of Faith Survivor
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 4,555
Originally Posted by least
Boy oh boy, did I need to read this today. I've been assuming the 'caretaker' role for too long and can see the damage it's doing to me, and thus, the damage it does to my ability to "be there" for others. It's especially hard with defiant kid cause she's still under 18 and thus, is still my legal and moral responsibility... but it too often ends up with me playing maid and taxi and such, and it's my fault for allowing myself to fall back into that behavior.
I'm kicking myself today for letting dk talk me into/demand that I do a load of clothes for her at my house late last evening, tho she's still sleeping and staying at her sister's. It's HER problem that she didn't tell me she needed to do laundry earlier inthe day. But I let it be MY problem when I let myself get sucked into doing it for her. I caved in and said 'yes' to shut her up, and that just strengthens her neediness and failure to plan.
I'm kicking myself today for letting dk talk me into/demand that I do a load of clothes for her at my house late last evening, tho she's still sleeping and staying at her sister's. It's HER problem that she didn't tell me she needed to do laundry earlier inthe day. But I let it be MY problem when I let myself get sucked into doing it for her. I caved in and said 'yes' to shut her up, and that just strengthens her neediness and failure to plan.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
I had to read today's Ralph a couple of times before it sunk in. The word "need" stuck out at me. So often I think I NEED something but, what I really need is to remember to be grateful for what I have. When I start out with gratitude and build from there, life goes much smoother. I certainly don't do this every day, and have not been doing it very well lately, but I'm back to working on it again.
((Least)) - Sweetie, I get sucked in by Brit, too, so don't beat yourself up. I'm better than I used to be at holding my ground, but I'm by no means perfect, and I've been working at this for a long time. The main thing is she knows that she may "occasionally" get over on me, but most often she doesn't
Progress, not perfection.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
((Least)) - Sweetie, I get sucked in by Brit, too, so don't beat yourself up. I'm better than I used to be at holding my ground, but I'm by no means perfect, and I've been working at this for a long time. The main thing is she knows that she may "occasionally" get over on me, but most often she doesn't
Progress, not perfection.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
IO Storm
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Southern California
Posts: 18,436
Popping in to say hello to all...very busy today...
Hopefully I will have time to get more involved in the thread soon!
And thanks for the welcome back..
:ghug2:
Take good care of yourself today, all.
Hopefully I will have time to get more involved in the thread soon!
And thanks for the welcome back..
:ghug2:
Take good care of yourself today, all.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
Okay, so I've been having horrible days/nights and am trying to get better, so just wanted to share what I think is a little progress and it's ONLY because of all of you here!
The power went out. It does that every now and then, but after a few minutes with no computer I decided to check the fuse box. Stepmom is asleep (no comment). To get to the fuse box, I have to move a stack of clothes 2 feet high on top of a chest of drawers and I am NOT happy and wake her up asking here what these clothes are for as I'm throwing them, not so nicely on the kitchen table.
The whole time she's telling me it will do no good to get to the fuse box....as I get to it, and..gee, I get the power back on Superwoman has NOTHING on me!! Then she tells me the power isn't working because the light doesn't come on in the laundry room - uh, the light bulb is out, which I change a bit later.
She then says something about Brit and Brit has told me the opposite. Stepmom basically tells me everything Brit tells ME is a lie, what she tells HER is the truth. Okay, my HEAD knows that she is jealous of the relationship I have with Brit because what we are talking about (sex) is nothing Brit would tell me to make me thing MORE of her...she knows I do not approve of her having sex. My heart, however, is hurt and angry that she just blows off anything Brit tells me.
So, I'm angry. I leave the clothes for her to put up and storm off to my room. Instead of stewing, I clean up half the room (desperately needs it) and start to work on my finals and am gung ho on those....making much progress and feel good about it.
A week ago, I would be all stressed out, angry, hurt, and every other bad feeling you can think of. Today, I'm not letting someone else control my mood. I KNOW what mine and Brit's relationship is like and sure, she probably lies about a few things, but not the major stuff because she knows she doesn't have to. She knows when I don't like stuff, and what I won't put up with, but all I have is my personal boundaries....I can't make rules to keep her home, take away her phone or anything. She knows I'm going to love her no matter what...and she can get mad at me...all she has to remember is I love her.
I turned anger/hurt into something good today and it feels good. I hate that stepmom thinks we're in competition for Brit because Brit loves us both, but that's her mama. I'm her "big sister" and I'm "cool" but I'm also harder on her than anyone in this family. The older she gets, the more she's learning my boundaries. She doesn't like them, but darned if she isn't learning what boundaries are
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
The power went out. It does that every now and then, but after a few minutes with no computer I decided to check the fuse box. Stepmom is asleep (no comment). To get to the fuse box, I have to move a stack of clothes 2 feet high on top of a chest of drawers and I am NOT happy and wake her up asking here what these clothes are for as I'm throwing them, not so nicely on the kitchen table.
The whole time she's telling me it will do no good to get to the fuse box....as I get to it, and..gee, I get the power back on
Superwoman has NOTHING on me!! Then she tells me the power isn't working because the light doesn't come on in the laundry room - uh, the light bulb is out, which I change a bit later.She then says something about Brit and Brit has told me the opposite. Stepmom basically tells me everything Brit tells ME is a lie, what she tells HER is the truth. Okay, my HEAD knows that she is jealous of the relationship I have with Brit because what we are talking about (sex) is nothing Brit would tell me to make me thing MORE of her...she knows I do not approve of her having sex. My heart, however, is hurt and angry that she just blows off anything Brit tells me.
So, I'm angry. I leave the clothes for her to put up and storm off to my room. Instead of stewing, I clean up half the room (desperately needs it) and start to work on my finals and am gung ho on those....making much progress and feel good about it.
A week ago, I would be all stressed out, angry, hurt, and every other bad feeling you can think of. Today, I'm not letting someone else control my mood. I KNOW what mine and Brit's relationship is like and sure, she probably lies about a few things, but not the major stuff because she knows she doesn't have to. She knows when I don't like stuff, and what I won't put up with, but all I have is my personal boundaries....I can't make rules to keep her home, take away her phone or anything. She knows I'm going to love her no matter what...and she can get mad at me...all she has to remember is I love her.
I turned anger/hurt into something good today and it feels good. I hate that stepmom thinks we're in competition for Brit because Brit loves us both, but that's her mama. I'm her "big sister" and I'm "cool" but I'm also harder on her than anyone in this family. The older she gets, the more she's learning my boundaries. She doesn't like them, but darned if she isn't learning what boundaries are
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Leap of Faith Survivor
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 4,555
((Amy))..I can appreciate how frustrating it must be to have a healthy relationship with one individual, while at the same time struggling with two, much more challenging relationships in the same household. It must be hard for your stepmom to see what you and Brit have that she does not with Brit, but that is up to her.
you have accomplished so much considering all you have been through...
you have accomplished so much considering all you have been through...
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
Thanks (((Grateful))). Stepmom swore up and down Brit's mama wasn't having sex either until the dr. told her she was 4 months pregnant with Brit
She's in denial, I'm preaching abstinence but if you won't do that, then safe sex.
But hey, I'm almost done with my Law and Ethics exam...YIPPPEEEEEEEE!!!!
Get these in the mail tomorrow, and within a couple of weeks can start on semester 2, which I can't WAIT for!! I'm a weirdo - I like school.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
She's in denial, I'm preaching abstinence but if you won't do that, then safe sex.But hey, I'm almost done with my Law and Ethics exam...YIPPPEEEEEEEE!!!!
Get these in the mail tomorrow, and within a couple of weeks can start on semester 2, which I can't WAIT for!! I'm a weirdo - I like school.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
Alot of catching up to do, so please forgive if I overlook anyone or anything. My memory is like swiss cheese!
Super congratulations, Anna, and I so love the name Jade Elizabeth. I hope she is well by now.
And congratulations to Hydrogirl!
So glad to see you back, Grateful!
And thank you SerenityGirl and Lisa for keeping up the readings and keeping things going.
Least, I don't have any wisdom to share with you, but do know I empathize and hold strong with hope and best wishes for you.
Amy, Wow, lady...I really admire your ability to rebound and bounce back!
I have been gone...the concert was stupendous...and we stayed gone a bit longer and did alot of different things. I had a really good time. I did make the same foolish mistake of carrying too much luggage and carrying it wrong which throws my whole spine out of alignment and causes me a constant headache. But I am glad I KNOW what is wrong and know what I can do about it.
I really appreciated the reading on money and faith, as well as those shared stories. We are short this month also....I am not prone to worry about it, what good is worry...but David does worry...I tried to share my attitude, but aha, I really only have to concern myself with mine, right?! LOL
I want to share more...but right now..the next right thing to do is go get into a nice warm bath and soak.
The headache has made me kind of gripey, I think. I dunno? Or wanting more attention than normal or necessary?
So glad tho' that I checked in with you all..for the simple basic reminder that I can give myself that attention and care and comfort.
I really need each and every one of you for your unique experiences and insight.
I have trouble staying focused on my own, so the support here is so important and influential in my life.
Thank you so very much!
Since the family get together...my mom and dad have internet and email for the first time. So I have been writing emails that go to all my family.....some respond, some don't...and each to different things...but this is working very, very well for me right now.
I was tickled to death to get an email from my 8 yr old grandson WHOOOOEEEEE!!!!!!!
Super congratulations, Anna, and I so love the name Jade Elizabeth. I hope she is well by now.
And congratulations to Hydrogirl!
So glad to see you back, Grateful!
And thank you SerenityGirl and Lisa for keeping up the readings and keeping things going.
Least, I don't have any wisdom to share with you, but do know I empathize and hold strong with hope and best wishes for you.
Amy, Wow, lady...I really admire your ability to rebound and bounce back!
I have been gone...the concert was stupendous...and we stayed gone a bit longer and did alot of different things. I had a really good time. I did make the same foolish mistake of carrying too much luggage and carrying it wrong which throws my whole spine out of alignment and causes me a constant headache. But I am glad I KNOW what is wrong and know what I can do about it.
I really appreciated the reading on money and faith, as well as those shared stories. We are short this month also....I am not prone to worry about it, what good is worry...but David does worry...I tried to share my attitude, but aha, I really only have to concern myself with mine, right?! LOL
I want to share more...but right now..the next right thing to do is go get into a nice warm bath and soak.
The headache has made me kind of gripey, I think. I dunno? Or wanting more attention than normal or necessary?
So glad tho' that I checked in with you all..for the simple basic reminder that I can give myself that attention and care and comfort.
I really need each and every one of you for your unique experiences and insight.
I have trouble staying focused on my own, so the support here is so important and influential in my life.
Thank you so very much!
Since the family get together...my mom and dad have internet and email for the first time. So I have been writing emails that go to all my family.....some respond, some don't...and each to different things...but this is working very, very well for me right now.
I was tickled to death to get an email from my 8 yr old grandson WHOOOOEEEEE!!!!!!!
Leap of Faith Survivor
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 4,555
You are reading from The Language Of Letting Go by Melody Beattie Copyright 1990 The Hazelden Foundation
Letting Go Of Naivete
October 7
We can be loving, trusting people and still not allow ourselves to be used or abused. We don't have to let people do whatever they want to us. Not all requests are legitimate! Not all requests require a yes!
Life may test us. People may seek out our weak spots. We may see a common denominator to the limits that are being tested in our life. If we have a weak spot in one area, we may find ourselves tested repeatedly in that area by our family, friends, co-workers, and neighbors. Life, people, our Higher Power, and the Universe may be trying to teach us something specific.
When we learn that lesson, we find that problems with that area dwindle. The boundary has been set, the power has been owned. For now, the lesson has been learned. We may need to be angry with certain people for a while, people who have pushed our tolerance over the edge. That's okay. Soon, we can let go of the anger and exchange it for gratitude. These people have
been here to help us learn about what we don't want, what we won't tolerate, and how to own our power.
We can thank them for what we have learned.
How much are we willing to tolerate? How far shall we let others go with us? How much of our anger and intuition shall we discount? Where are our limits? Do we have any?
If we don't, we're in trouble.
There are times not to trust others, but instead trust ourselves and set boundaries with those around us.
Today, I will be open to new awareness about the areas where I need healthier boundaries. I will forego my naive assumption that the other person is always right. I will exchange that view for trusting myself, listening to myself, and having and setting healthy boundaries.
Letting Go Of Naivete
October 7
We can be loving, trusting people and still not allow ourselves to be used or abused. We don't have to let people do whatever they want to us. Not all requests are legitimate! Not all requests require a yes!
Life may test us. People may seek out our weak spots. We may see a common denominator to the limits that are being tested in our life. If we have a weak spot in one area, we may find ourselves tested repeatedly in that area by our family, friends, co-workers, and neighbors. Life, people, our Higher Power, and the Universe may be trying to teach us something specific.
When we learn that lesson, we find that problems with that area dwindle. The boundary has been set, the power has been owned. For now, the lesson has been learned. We may need to be angry with certain people for a while, people who have pushed our tolerance over the edge. That's okay. Soon, we can let go of the anger and exchange it for gratitude. These people have
been here to help us learn about what we don't want, what we won't tolerate, and how to own our power.
We can thank them for what we have learned.
How much are we willing to tolerate? How far shall we let others go with us? How much of our anger and intuition shall we discount? Where are our limits? Do we have any?
If we don't, we're in trouble.
There are times not to trust others, but instead trust ourselves and set boundaries with those around us.
Today, I will be open to new awareness about the areas where I need healthier boundaries. I will forego my naive assumption that the other person is always right. I will exchange that view for trusting myself, listening to myself, and having and setting healthy boundaries.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
WOW! I need this reading and I sure need to learn the lesson.
I have never figured out WHY my family feels free to criticize me whilst they do not allow others to talk to them or challenge them in the same manner.
WHY am in the defensive posture in this set of dynamics?
I have improved it alot over the years and just sent another email a week or two ago that addressed it the best way I could think of.
I think my sis got the message, truly. I feel like my dad heard me, I had all ready worked it out with mom first as she was the most immediate problem for years...but it appears that my daughter is in disagreement with me or angry with me and is not staying in touch. This would not be the first time that we have not been in contact for awhile for a period of time. I won't presume. I will continue to write my emails to my entire family, send to all....and then let it go, as far as who wishes to write me and when.
I basically told them that they did not have the right to assume and criticize regarding me, that they were not walking in my shoes and were ignorant of what was going on with me and the reasons behind my decisions and that I did not need to defend or explain...that I also had issues with each person but felt it was not my business nor my place to take them to task or challenge them.
But there does seem to be something about me that people pick up on that allows them to feel free to vent at me or say angry things.
Xroomie really went to town down and dirty in emails to me.
Can it have something to do with the fact that they know I will not respond in the same manner?
Of course, there are and have been exceptions but these only when provoked beyond all reason.
I take my anger and process it internally and then try to address things later in a rational manner.
Perhaps it would be better if I learned to feel my anger in the moment and let it show, rather than thinking that to be uncivilized and an uncontrolled "reaction"???....but that would feel very unnatural to me and is not really who I am.
I am basically talking about criticism type things.
I do have a silly response and can't seem to help it...when I see others get mad, red in the face, and etc.... I find myself observing them and it looks so funny to me that I start giggling. LOL Believe me they always find that to be very disconcerting.
So I am not so much talking about angry at me as much as what I feel is a type of disrespect...I do not feel like I should have to defend or explain myself to my family when I do not do what they want or meet their expectations.
I like and believe in the "live and let live" philosophy.
I have never figured out WHY my family feels free to criticize me whilst they do not allow others to talk to them or challenge them in the same manner.
WHY am in the defensive posture in this set of dynamics?
I have improved it alot over the years and just sent another email a week or two ago that addressed it the best way I could think of.
I think my sis got the message, truly. I feel like my dad heard me, I had all ready worked it out with mom first as she was the most immediate problem for years...but it appears that my daughter is in disagreement with me or angry with me and is not staying in touch. This would not be the first time that we have not been in contact for awhile for a period of time. I won't presume. I will continue to write my emails to my entire family, send to all....and then let it go, as far as who wishes to write me and when.
I basically told them that they did not have the right to assume and criticize regarding me, that they were not walking in my shoes and were ignorant of what was going on with me and the reasons behind my decisions and that I did not need to defend or explain...that I also had issues with each person but felt it was not my business nor my place to take them to task or challenge them.
But there does seem to be something about me that people pick up on that allows them to feel free to vent at me or say angry things.
Xroomie really went to town down and dirty in emails to me.
Can it have something to do with the fact that they know I will not respond in the same manner?
Of course, there are and have been exceptions but these only when provoked beyond all reason.
I take my anger and process it internally and then try to address things later in a rational manner.
Perhaps it would be better if I learned to feel my anger in the moment and let it show, rather than thinking that to be uncivilized and an uncontrolled "reaction"???....but that would feel very unnatural to me and is not really who I am.
I am basically talking about criticism type things.
I do have a silly response and can't seem to help it...when I see others get mad, red in the face, and etc.... I find myself observing them and it looks so funny to me that I start giggling. LOL Believe me they always find that to be very disconcerting.
So I am not so much talking about angry at me as much as what I feel is a type of disrespect...I do not feel like I should have to defend or explain myself to my family when I do not do what they want or meet their expectations.
I like and believe in the "live and let live" philosophy.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Lancaster, Pa
Posts: 3
Thank u so much for ur 10/5 reading!! For me it's a great reminder of Let Go & Let God!!! I still struggle with that & with trusting others. Lately I have been feeling so pressured by everyone...like they r trying to make me be someone I'm not. Truth is....I'm very confused, and I know that my fiance' plays a big part in all this...I'm not trying 2 say he's a bad person...we just don't seem 2 be compatible anymore. I'm afraid to leave bc of financial reasons & bc I just got custody back of my youngest child...Anyway thanks 4 listening...it is good 2 know that I'm the only 1 who can change things, and trust the process.....:wtf2
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,781
I needed to read this message cause of my two daughters who use me as a maid, ATM, taxi, and other 'services', yet treat me like poop and constantly tell me what I'm doing wrong.
It is hard for me to admit, but I am responsible for a lot of that bad treatment cause I 'allow' them to do it. Being inconsistent in enforcing boundaries and rules only teaches them to push me harder when they 'want' something from me.
I am working on enforcing rules with them and not accepting bad treatment.
It is hard for me to admit, but I am responsible for a lot of that bad treatment cause I 'allow' them to do it. Being inconsistent in enforcing boundaries and rules only teaches them to push me harder when they 'want' something from me.
I am working on enforcing rules with them and not accepting bad treatment.
mergirl
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Paradise
Posts: 4,161
Bravo Least!
Tena, I can only offer my experience. My dad is a real negative guy, nothing is ever good enough and he will tell who ever is listening. When my daughter was little, I decided she would NOT have to listen to grampa beat me or my sister up verbally anymore. When he would call and bitch, I would say "if you have nothing nice to say, I am hanging up", and then I would hang up on him. If he started in a restaurant or at a family gathering, I would say "if you have nothing nice to say, I am leaving", and I would get up and leave at the next comment.
It didn't make him any more of a sunshiney person. He doesn't think any better of me. What it did do, is establish that if he wants contact with me, he has to bite his tongue or suffer the consequences.
Off to work, man I hope I hit the lotto tonight!! haha
Tena, I can only offer my experience. My dad is a real negative guy, nothing is ever good enough and he will tell who ever is listening. When my daughter was little, I decided she would NOT have to listen to grampa beat me or my sister up verbally anymore. When he would call and bitch, I would say "if you have nothing nice to say, I am hanging up", and then I would hang up on him. If he started in a restaurant or at a family gathering, I would say "if you have nothing nice to say, I am leaving", and I would get up and leave at the next comment.
It didn't make him any more of a sunshiney person. He doesn't think any better of me. What it did do, is establish that if he wants contact with me, he has to bite his tongue or suffer the consequences.
Off to work, man I hope I hit the lotto tonight!! haha
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: BC Canada
Posts: 1,221
((Amy)) Good for you doing so great with your studies!!!
((Live)) sorry your not feeling so well...
((least)) being inconsistent was always a major problem for me and did make things worse..sometimes I would put up with crap and sometimes I wouldn't, probably depended on how I was feeling about myself at the time.
((Lisa)) your father sounds like my H. The last time one of my daughters was visiting, he said something critical and she just decided to leave. I felt horrible when her and my grandson left, but I also understood that she wasn't going to put up with his BS anymore. It's always been a problem when we get together with the kids, I never Know what kind of mood he will be in or if he is going to say something critical. Walking on eggshells, just like living with an active alcoholic, he is an alcoholic but has been sober many years, but doesn't go to meetings anymore.
As a matter of fact, I am already concerned about Christmas, I want to go to my youngest daughters. She has alot of emotional problems and has chronic pain and I don't want her to be alone at Christmas. But its always such a stressful time with the way my H is. It's can be very stressful being around both of them at the same time....wish there was a magical solution....
((Frog)) hang in there!!!!
((Live)) sorry your not feeling so well...
((least)) being inconsistent was always a major problem for me and did make things worse..sometimes I would put up with crap and sometimes I wouldn't, probably depended on how I was feeling about myself at the time.
((Lisa)) your father sounds like my H. The last time one of my daughters was visiting, he said something critical and she just decided to leave. I felt horrible when her and my grandson left, but I also understood that she wasn't going to put up with his BS anymore. It's always been a problem when we get together with the kids, I never Know what kind of mood he will be in or if he is going to say something critical. Walking on eggshells, just like living with an active alcoholic, he is an alcoholic but has been sober many years, but doesn't go to meetings anymore.
As a matter of fact, I am already concerned about Christmas, I want to go to my youngest daughters. She has alot of emotional problems and has chronic pain and I don't want her to be alone at Christmas. But its always such a stressful time with the way my H is. It's can be very stressful being around both of them at the same time....wish there was a magical solution....
((Frog)) hang in there!!!!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: South Dakota
Posts: 346
Uggg...
Help me.
The only place where I had been having peace and sanity was work. It has been a relatively uneventful year with good classes and fun staff relationships.
Now, howver, I have made a new enemy. The new choir teacher (stragiht out of school) is pulling this (in all of my years in the fine arts, I have never...) UGH. Here is this little 21 year old s*** telling me (a 20 year veteran of fine arts) how to do my mob. I got testy with her and she went to the principal (who is not my biggest fan). Now we have this big conflict and I want to throttle her.
How do I let it go when I have to see/work with her each day???
Help me.
The only place where I had been having peace and sanity was work. It has been a relatively uneventful year with good classes and fun staff relationships.
Now, howver, I have made a new enemy. The new choir teacher (stragiht out of school) is pulling this (in all of my years in the fine arts, I have never...) UGH. Here is this little 21 year old s*** telling me (a 20 year veteran of fine arts) how to do my mob. I got testy with her and she went to the principal (who is not my biggest fan). Now we have this big conflict and I want to throttle her.
How do I let it go when I have to see/work with her each day???
mergirl
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Paradise
Posts: 4,161
SG, I can relate, and thats why I dont have a H any more. When I talk about the positives in our marriage, people always ask me why I left him. When I talk about the negatives, people see him as a villain.
In the end I think I just got tired of sharing my life, my perceptions, my holidays, my dreams hope and fears with someone who was not on the same page.
BD, I see negative people at my work every day. I just do my job, cover my a$$ and make try to avoid contact. Amy is an EXPERT at this, and will be along shortly =)
In the end I think I just got tired of sharing my life, my perceptions, my holidays, my dreams hope and fears with someone who was not on the same page.
BD, I see negative people at my work every day. I just do my job, cover my a$$ and make try to avoid contact. Amy is an EXPERT at this, and will be along shortly =)
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