Codependency And Beyond Part 8
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(((Lisa))) - aww, sweetie, you are beautiful and your post is just what I needed to read today!!
Today's reading was ALSO what I needed to read!!! I'm not a patient person. My mom used to say that my favorite prayer was "dear God, please give me patience and give it to me RIGHT NOW!!!!!"
Of course, I was just like my mama!
((Least)) - honey, I see PROGRESS in you!! I really do! Last night I told Brit I didn't know if I could pick her up. Then, when I found out about the reporter and all that, and I got nervous and worried, well then I decided it was a good idea I pick her up and talk to her. However, in those 15-20 minutes, she had no idea how she was going to get home. It was a good thing for her to wonder and worry about that...no one was jumping at her beck and call, and when I DID say "I'll come get you" she knew it was because I wanted to talk to her.
Today, I tried to call the reporter, couldn't get through to him, so e-mailed him, then told Brit about it. Stepmom says she is upset with me, but she wasn't upset when she called to tell me she has off next Fri. and was I SURE I could go to court with her (for "dad's" arraignment)...I told her when I say I'll do something, I'll do it. I'll let her see the e-mails and if she's upset, that's okay...I'm the grownup, she's 16.
I did find out her "dad" is the one stirring up stuff and even HE told the reporter that he's where he should be. The reporter was respectful (wow!!) and will not call Brit any more.
((Annie)) - sweetie, there was a day I'd rather choke than apologize. Still have those days with my dad. However, in the workplace...I've learned it's a whole lot easier to do what you can to get things running smooth again, without being walked all over. I've done the stubborn thing a long, long time....it's just too hard having stress at work AND at home...for me, something had to give and I finally just learned to give in some times. There are some things I won't give in, but others...let them have it. It's just not worth my peace and serenity any more. Maybe I sound like a wuss, but I've been dealing with workplace BS for what, a year?
((Grateful)) I'm so glad you and Kat had fun, but sorry you're sore. I decided today that I'm too old to be sitting on the floor, sorting out sunglasses then jumping back up...the "jumping" just doesn't work any more!
I'm going to finish the math part of my finals and I'm DONE! Anvil said I've done the "Gilligan's Island" method of the 3-hour finals....she's right!
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Today's reading was ALSO what I needed to read!!! I'm not a patient person. My mom used to say that my favorite prayer was "dear God, please give me patience and give it to me RIGHT NOW!!!!!"
Of course, I was just like my mama!((Least)) - honey, I see PROGRESS in you!! I really do! Last night I told Brit I didn't know if I could pick her up. Then, when I found out about the reporter and all that, and I got nervous and worried, well then I decided it was a good idea I pick her up and talk to her. However, in those 15-20 minutes, she had no idea how she was going to get home. It was a good thing for her to wonder and worry about that...no one was jumping at her beck and call, and when I DID say "I'll come get you" she knew it was because I wanted to talk to her.
Today, I tried to call the reporter, couldn't get through to him, so e-mailed him, then told Brit about it. Stepmom says she is upset with me, but she wasn't upset when she called to tell me she has off next Fri. and was I SURE I could go to court with her (for "dad's" arraignment)...I told her when I say I'll do something, I'll do it. I'll let her see the e-mails and if she's upset, that's okay...I'm the grownup, she's 16.
I did find out her "dad" is the one stirring up stuff and even HE told the reporter that he's where he should be. The reporter was respectful (wow!!) and will not call Brit any more.
((Annie)) - sweetie, there was a day I'd rather choke than apologize. Still have those days with my dad. However, in the workplace...I've learned it's a whole lot easier to do what you can to get things running smooth again, without being walked all over. I've done the stubborn thing a long, long time....it's just too hard having stress at work AND at home...for me, something had to give and I finally just learned to give in some times. There are some things I won't give in, but others...let them have it. It's just not worth my peace and serenity any more. Maybe I sound like a wuss, but I've been dealing with workplace BS for what, a year?
((Grateful)) I'm so glad you and Kat had fun, but sorry you're sore. I decided today that I'm too old to be sitting on the floor, sorting out sunglasses then jumping back up...the "jumping" just doesn't work any more!
I'm going to finish the math part of my finals and I'm DONE! Anvil said I've done the "Gilligan's Island" method of the 3-hour finals....she's right!
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
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Gypsy, I love your post.
I always tried saving people too, and I thought it was a meaningful thing to do. What I didn't get, was that I was ignoring myself and my needs. I didn't think I was worth caring for.
I am still relatively new to codependency. I lived the majority of my life hiding from myself and then I began drinking and as a result, spent many years working on my recovery from addiction. I had no clue that I was codependent long before I became an addict. I also have a passive-aggressive person in my life and that is an extremely hard issue to deal with. It means accepting things that fill me with sadness. I am so grateful for this thread and for this chance to grow, along the rest of you.
Grateful, I am thrilled to hear that things are going so well for your daughter. I will continue to pray for her.
I always tried saving people too, and I thought it was a meaningful thing to do. What I didn't get, was that I was ignoring myself and my needs. I didn't think I was worth caring for.
I am still relatively new to codependency. I lived the majority of my life hiding from myself and then I began drinking and as a result, spent many years working on my recovery from addiction. I had no clue that I was codependent long before I became an addict. I also have a passive-aggressive person in my life and that is an extremely hard issue to deal with. It means accepting things that fill me with sadness. I am so grateful for this thread and for this chance to grow, along the rest of you.
Grateful, I am thrilled to hear that things are going so well for your daughter. I will continue to pray for her.
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Location: Atlanta
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(((Anna))) - I think my codependency came before my addiction, too. I truly don't remember any of the codie traits in childhood, but my first relationship was hallmark codie. I learned to abuse substances to deal with the pain of not making the relationship work.
(((Lisa))) - I hope you hear from "Baby" soon, but I'm proud that you are handling it so well...great progress, sweetie!!
Brit's bf was in a wreck tonight, but not hurt. She and I talked and all is well. She is looking forward to having me sit next to her at her dad's court hearing as a way of telling him off in a nonverbal way.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
(((Lisa))) - I hope you hear from "Baby" soon, but I'm proud that you are handling it so well...great progress, sweetie!!
Brit's bf was in a wreck tonight, but not hurt. She and I talked and all is well. She is looking forward to having me sit next to her at her dad's court hearing as a way of telling him off in a nonverbal way.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Paradise
Posts: 4,161
So, tonight I feel tested, but not in a bad way. My room mate is pretty tipsy. His finances are a mess, which could eventually impact me. I don't make enough to pay out any more than I am, but even if I could come up with an extra hundred or so, his bucket is large and the holes bigger than my measly wage can plug.
I fairly adore this guy, but lesson one might have something to do with being "over" addicts, and the assorted issues they bring.
Lesson 2 might be something to do with living within my check, or maybe that making a tiny salary isn't going to cut it, time will tell.
And the final idea I have in my head as I get ready for bed, is that maybe the lesson is that there will always be lessons. Turmoil will drift in and out of our lives. Just when we get a handle on dealing with one problem, a different one comes along.
I am not saying this from a place of anxiety or fear, more of curiosity and interest. Honey M (my roomie) just lost his girl, and has not much work. 2 weeks ago he was rolling in dough and had a partner.
Today my finances are relatively stable, although I add a bit of debt each month I am here. Today I have a budding relationship that is going very slow, with a cat in recovery, who makes me smile so far=)
man, I am SOOOO chatty tonight haha. O.k., my deep thinking every typing a$$ is off to bed, night all!!!
:ghug2
I fairly adore this guy, but lesson one might have something to do with being "over" addicts, and the assorted issues they bring.
Lesson 2 might be something to do with living within my check, or maybe that making a tiny salary isn't going to cut it, time will tell.
And the final idea I have in my head as I get ready for bed, is that maybe the lesson is that there will always be lessons. Turmoil will drift in and out of our lives. Just when we get a handle on dealing with one problem, a different one comes along.
I am not saying this from a place of anxiety or fear, more of curiosity and interest. Honey M (my roomie) just lost his girl, and has not much work. 2 weeks ago he was rolling in dough and had a partner.
Today my finances are relatively stable, although I add a bit of debt each month I am here. Today I have a budding relationship that is going very slow, with a cat in recovery, who makes me smile so far=)
man, I am SOOOO chatty tonight haha. O.k., my deep thinking every typing a$$ is off to bed, night all!!!
:ghug2
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Location: Bristol TN/VA
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I spent yesterday again in my "retreat" mode, reading meaningful book and nurturing myself.
Big Dreams, I apologize almost too easily....I am curious how it goes with your co-worker.
With me, it seems...because I apologize readily that if often is interpreted as a weakness or opportunity to take further advantage of me. ??? As Grateful said, I do it because I seek resolution but sometimes it seems to be misunderstood.
Big Dreams, I apologize almost too easily....I am curious how it goes with your co-worker.
With me, it seems...because I apologize readily that if often is interpreted as a weakness or opportunity to take further advantage of me. ??? As Grateful said, I do it because I seek resolution but sometimes it seems to be misunderstood.
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Originally Posted by Gypsy Feet 
So, tonight I feel tested, but not in a bad way. My room mate is pretty tipsy. His finances are a mess, which could eventually impact me. I don't make enough to pay out any more than I am, but even if I could come up with an extra hundred or so, his bucket is large and the holes bigger than my measly wage can plug.
I fairly adore this guy, but lesson one might have something to do with being "over" addicts, and the assorted issues they bring.
Lesson 2 might be something to do with living within my check, or maybe that making a tiny salary isn't going to cut it, time will tell.
And the final idea I have in my head as I get ready for bed, is that maybe the lesson is that there will always be lessons. Turmoil will drift in and out of our lives. Just when we get a handle on dealing with one problem, a different one comes along.
I am not saying this from a place of anxiety or fear, more of curiosity and interest. Honey M (my roomie) just lost his girl, and has not much work. 2 weeks ago he was rolling in dough and had a partner.
Today my finances are relatively stable, although I add a bit of debt each month I am here. Today I have a budding relationship that is going very slow, with a cat in recovery, who makes me smile so far=)
man, I am SOOOO chatty tonight haha. O.k., my deep thinking every typing a$$ is off to bed, night all!!!
I fairly adore this guy, but lesson one might have something to do with being "over" addicts, and the assorted issues they bring.
Lesson 2 might be something to do with living within my check, or maybe that making a tiny salary isn't going to cut it, time will tell.
And the final idea I have in my head as I get ready for bed, is that maybe the lesson is that there will always be lessons. Turmoil will drift in and out of our lives. Just when we get a handle on dealing with one problem, a different one comes along.
I am not saying this from a place of anxiety or fear, more of curiosity and interest. Honey M (my roomie) just lost his girl, and has not much work. 2 weeks ago he was rolling in dough and had a partner.
Today my finances are relatively stable, although I add a bit of debt each month I am here. Today I have a budding relationship that is going very slow, with a cat in recovery, who makes me smile so far=)
man, I am SOOOO chatty tonight haha. O.k., my deep thinking every typing a$$ is off to bed, night all!!!
I must say I envy your attitude and your serenity.
I'm still looking for my mine...
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(((Lisa))) What you wrote "I revolved my life around saving lost souls to value my existence" that was me too...I don't want to feel that I have to help or fix everyone anymore!!!!!!!! But I do want to be a caring and compassionate person...
Leap of Faith Survivor
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You reading from The Language Of Letting Go by Melody Beattie Copyright 1990 The Hazelden Foundation.
Payoffs from Destructive Relationships
October 9
Sometimes it helps to understand that we may be receiving a payoff from relationships that cause us distress.
The relationship may be feeding into our helplessness or our martyr role.
Maybe the relationship feeds our need to be needed, enhancing our self-esteem by allowing us to feel in control or morally superior to the other person.
Some of us feel alleviated from financial or other kinds of responsibility by staying in a particular relationship.
"My father sexually abused me when I was a child," said one woman. "I went on to spend the next twenty years blackmailing him emotionally and financially on this. I could get money from him whenever I wanted and I never had to take financial responsibility for myself."
Realizing that we may have gotten a codependent payoff from a relationship is not a cause for shame. It means we are searching out the blocks in ourselves that may be stopping our growth.
We can take responsibility for the part we may have played in keeping ourselves victimized. When we are willing to look honestly and fearlessly at the payoff and let it go, we will find the healing we've been seeking. We'll also be ready to receive the positive, healthy payoffs available in relationships, the payoffs we really want and need.
Today, I will be open to looking at the payoff I may have received from staying in unhealthy relationships, or from keeping destructive systems operating. I will become ready to let go of my need to stay in unhealthy systems; I am ready to face myself.
Payoffs from Destructive Relationships
October 9
Sometimes it helps to understand that we may be receiving a payoff from relationships that cause us distress.
The relationship may be feeding into our helplessness or our martyr role.
Maybe the relationship feeds our need to be needed, enhancing our self-esteem by allowing us to feel in control or morally superior to the other person.
Some of us feel alleviated from financial or other kinds of responsibility by staying in a particular relationship.
"My father sexually abused me when I was a child," said one woman. "I went on to spend the next twenty years blackmailing him emotionally and financially on this. I could get money from him whenever I wanted and I never had to take financial responsibility for myself."
Realizing that we may have gotten a codependent payoff from a relationship is not a cause for shame. It means we are searching out the blocks in ourselves that may be stopping our growth.
We can take responsibility for the part we may have played in keeping ourselves victimized. When we are willing to look honestly and fearlessly at the payoff and let it go, we will find the healing we've been seeking. We'll also be ready to receive the positive, healthy payoffs available in relationships, the payoffs we really want and need.
Today, I will be open to looking at the payoff I may have received from staying in unhealthy relationships, or from keeping destructive systems operating. I will become ready to let go of my need to stay in unhealthy systems; I am ready to face myself.
Last edited by Anna; 10-09-2009 at 06:24 PM.
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Originally Posted by grateful2b
We can take responsibility for the part we may have played in keeping ourselves victimized. When we are willing to look honestly and fearlessly at the payoff and let it go, we will find the healing we've been seeking. We'll also be ready to receive the positive, healthy payoffs available in relationships, the payoffs we really want and need.
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All of my relationships had a codependent payoff.
I can look back lovingly upon myself now, where before I felt shame and self-loathing..
I came by it honestly...it was the way only I knew to survive ...but where I have come from has also made me strong and the unique person that I am and I embrace that wounded young woman...
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Originally Posted by liveweyerd
I spent yesterday again in my "retreat" mode, reading meaningful book and nurturing myself.
Big Dreams, I apologize almost too easily....I am curious how it goes with your co-worker.
With me, it seems...because I apologize readily that if often is interpreted as a weakness or opportunity to take further advantage of me. ??? As Grateful said, I do it because I seek resolution but sometimes it seems to be misunderstood.
Big Dreams, I apologize almost too easily....I am curious how it goes with your co-worker.
With me, it seems...because I apologize readily that if often is interpreted as a weakness or opportunity to take further advantage of me. ??? As Grateful said, I do it because I seek resolution but sometimes it seems to be misunderstood.
When I apologize in a situation like the one Annie finds herself in, sometimes it can be misunderstood....but I have no control over that ..
Right or wrong, if I have contributed in any way to the problem, I would choose to apologize to free myself from the emotions of the conflict, be a part of the solution by doing what "I" can to bring a positive energy to the situation and trust that it will help in resolving the situation
For me, pride can't enter into to it, just keeps me on the side of the problem....oh my gosh, Pride used to be such a problem for me...lol.... but I discovered some time ago that Humility is my strength.
Like Annie says, " that is where the healing begins."
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I realized, last night, that with the firing of the manager, the most-likely departure of another manager, my co-workers and I have lost the only 2 people who actually cared what happened to us at work. Some of my coworkers are looking to me to do something, but I'm going to focus on me...they are all adults and can do what they need to do.
I'm sad and frustrated. I feel as though I'm going to work on an island...totally on my own. It doesn't help that I've been out of anti-d's for more than a week (I did just find one more pack), dr. has been on vacation all week but they don't have any samples any way. I will see him next week about a better solution, as I can't do this up and down roller coaster of concentration and PTSD stuff.
I know there is a reason for all of this and I just need to keep MY side of the street clean and do what I need to do. I didn't get this far by giving in, right?
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
I'm sad and frustrated. I feel as though I'm going to work on an island...totally on my own. It doesn't help that I've been out of anti-d's for more than a week (I did just find one more pack), dr. has been on vacation all week but they don't have any samples any way. I will see him next week about a better solution, as I can't do this up and down roller coaster of concentration and PTSD stuff.
I know there is a reason for all of this and I just need to keep MY side of the street clean and do what I need to do. I didn't get this far by giving in, right?
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
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Thank you, Grateful...for you kind explanation. I get very confused by office and corporate politics....hate it all actually. I sometime wonder if humane rules are suspended.
I don't like upset, if nothing else...I will apologize that there is a misunderstanding..even if I can't find what I have done wrong or etc.
Amy,
skipping the meds is a guaranteed ride on the roller coaster.
I am sure you know we all hate the work situation and keep you in our thoughts.
I don't like upset, if nothing else...I will apologize that there is a misunderstanding..even if I can't find what I have done wrong or etc.
Amy,
skipping the meds is a guaranteed ride on the roller coaster.
I am sure you know we all hate the work situation and keep you in our thoughts.
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Originally Posted by liveweyerd
Thank you, Grateful...for you kind explanation. I get very confused by office and corporate politics....hate it all actually. I sometime wonder if humane rules are suspended.
I don't like upset, if nothing else...I will apologize that there is a misunderstanding..even if I can't find what I have done wrong or etc.
I don't like upset, if nothing else...I will apologize that there is a misunderstanding..even if I can't find what I have done wrong or etc.
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oh shoot, ((Amy))
things are changing constantly!...but just as abruptly as they change in a challenging way, they can also shift in an uplifting way..
and I know you know that,,,
but its the constant ups and downs that can just wear us thin ..eh
I love this: I didn't get this far by giving in, right? :ghug3
you are always in my prayers..
things are changing constantly!...but just as abruptly as they change in a challenging way, they can also shift in an uplifting way..
and I know you know that,,,
but its the constant ups and downs that can just wear us thin ..eh
I love this: I didn't get this far by giving in, right? :ghug3
you are always in my prayers..
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I called to get an appt. with my dr. First appt. is next Fri. - the day I've promised to be in court with Brit for her dad's arraignment. Okay, next option
The one thing I have learned...as a nurse, I learned a lot about innovation. I worked in hospitals that were short on funding and figured out you CAN hang IV fluids from the window shades On the streets, I got even better with making do with what I had.
Now, I just have to remind myself that I'm a survivor and I have a great support team and an HP who is looking out for my best interests. I'm not really on an island....I've got all I need.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
The one thing I have learned...as a nurse, I learned a lot about innovation. I worked in hospitals that were short on funding and figured out you CAN hang IV fluids from the window shades
On the streets, I got even better with making do with what I had.Now, I just have to remind myself that I'm a survivor and I have a great support team and an HP who is looking out for my best interests. I'm not really on an island....I've got all I need.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
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okay, I think my codependent payoff always comes down to: security
Even tho' it has been proven to me more than once that it was a false sense of security...or that I could not rely on it or that it might change.
I was brought up to be codependent. My role model was to take care of the men and the boys. Girls did not count the same.
I laugh now...but in my first marriage when very young....I was so neurotic about it that I ironed my husband's flannel shirts and he worked construction.
When we were divorcing, my mom said to me wistfully one day..."maybe if you had baked bread?" LOL Today I wish I could have smiled and said, "you mean yeast rolls don't count?" with a sense of humor. At the time it really hurt, because it implied that I was at fault for not doing and being enough. Even today my mother does not hold my 53 year old XH responsible for his actions, they are attributed to his mother.
So, yeah, I was raised to subtly or maybe not so subtly believe and feel that we women carried the weight of the world albeit second class citizens. We served the men and they took responsibility for us and protected us.
HMMMMMMMMMMM....that is not how it has worked out in my life.
I now accept that I do have security needs and they need to be met from multiple sources.
Even tho' it has been proven to me more than once that it was a false sense of security...or that I could not rely on it or that it might change.
I was brought up to be codependent. My role model was to take care of the men and the boys. Girls did not count the same.
I laugh now...but in my first marriage when very young....I was so neurotic about it that I ironed my husband's flannel shirts and he worked construction.
When we were divorcing, my mom said to me wistfully one day..."maybe if you had baked bread?" LOL Today I wish I could have smiled and said, "you mean yeast rolls don't count?" with a sense of humor. At the time it really hurt, because it implied that I was at fault for not doing and being enough. Even today my mother does not hold my 53 year old XH responsible for his actions, they are attributed to his mother.
So, yeah, I was raised to subtly or maybe not so subtly believe and feel that we women carried the weight of the world albeit second class citizens. We served the men and they took responsibility for us and protected us.
HMMMMMMMMMMM....that is not how it has worked out in my life.
I now accept that I do have security needs and they need to be met from multiple sources.
Leap of Faith Survivor
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Originally Posted by liveweyerd
okay, I think my codependent payoff always comes down to: security
Even tho' it has been proven to me more than once that it was a false sense of security...or that I could not rely on it or that it might change.
I was brought up to be codependent. My role model was to take care of the men and the boys. Girls did not count the same.
I laugh now...but in my first marriage when very young....I was so neurotic about it that I ironed my husband's flannel shirts and he worked construction.
When we were divorcing, my mom said to me wistfully one day..."maybe if you had baked bread?" LOL Today I wish I could have smiled and said, "you mean yeast rolls don't count?" with a sense of humor. At the time it really hurt, because it implied that I was at fault for not doing and being enough. Even today my mother does not hold my 53 year old XH responsible for his actions, they are attributed to his mother.
So, yeah, I was raised to subtly or maybe not so subtly believe and feel that we women carried the weight of the world albeit second class citizens. We served the men and they took responsibility for us and protected us.
HMMMMMMMMMMM....that is not how it has worked out in my life.
I now accept that I do have security needs and they need to be met from multiple sources.
Even tho' it has been proven to me more than once that it was a false sense of security...or that I could not rely on it or that it might change.
I was brought up to be codependent. My role model was to take care of the men and the boys. Girls did not count the same.
I laugh now...but in my first marriage when very young....I was so neurotic about it that I ironed my husband's flannel shirts and he worked construction.
When we were divorcing, my mom said to me wistfully one day..."maybe if you had baked bread?" LOL Today I wish I could have smiled and said, "you mean yeast rolls don't count?" with a sense of humor. At the time it really hurt, because it implied that I was at fault for not doing and being enough. Even today my mother does not hold my 53 year old XH responsible for his actions, they are attributed to his mother.
So, yeah, I was raised to subtly or maybe not so subtly believe and feel that we women carried the weight of the world albeit second class citizens. We served the men and they took responsibility for us and protected us.
HMMMMMMMMMMM....that is not how it has worked out in my life.
I now accept that I do have security needs and they need to be met from multiple sources.
could our mothers have possibly been separated from one another at birth?
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My relationships were always codepent too, though I had absolutely no idea.
And, my payoff was always security. As a child I felt like I was growing up in a war zone. It was traumatizing. All my energy went into simply existing. I didn't grow, mature, develop. And, so as a young adult I looked for people to take care of me. It never in a million years occured to me, that I could take care of myself.
I became the martyr in my family. I suffered for the family. It validated me in a pathetic way. Thank goodness I have a healthier perspective now, though I still have a long way to go.
And, my payoff was always security. As a child I felt like I was growing up in a war zone. It was traumatizing. All my energy went into simply existing. I didn't grow, mature, develop. And, so as a young adult I looked for people to take care of me. It never in a million years occured to me, that I could take care of myself.
I became the martyr in my family. I suffered for the family. It validated me in a pathetic way. Thank goodness I have a healthier perspective now, though I still have a long way to go.
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