Codependency And Beyond Part 8
Leap of Faith Survivor
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 4,555
Welcome, JKaren
I am glad you are here.
Congratulations on day 5!
I am happy for you that you are feeling better.
Woot!..
I am glad you are here.
Congratulations on day 5!
I am happy for you that you are feeling better.
Originally Posted by Impurrfect 
She said the server they talked to is going to be looking for me tomorrow, so I am really hoping this works out.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,784
I just sent defiant kid a loving and reasonable email, telling her what behaviors I will not tolerate and asking her to understand that it's for both of us to create a new and better relationship. I really hope she understands what I'm saying and doesn't think I'm punishing her or something.
Welcome JKaren! Always room for one more codie over here!
Welcome JKaren! Always room for one more codie over here!
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,514
Grateful,
It's wonderful to hear your story of how you worked through issues with your daughter. It seems like it was necessary for you to back off, in order for her to realize she needed to step up and handle the situation. I am so happy for both of you.
Welcome JKaren,
I will never forget the level of shame and guilt that I felt when I finally stopped drinking. Just know that you are on track and good for you for making the decision to live a sober life. Part of recovery is learning to forgive - to forgive those who have hurt us, and to forgive ourselves.
Amy,
Good luck with the job issue!
It's wonderful to hear your story of how you worked through issues with your daughter. It seems like it was necessary for you to back off, in order for her to realize she needed to step up and handle the situation. I am so happy for both of you.
Welcome JKaren,
I will never forget the level of shame and guilt that I felt when I finally stopped drinking. Just know that you are on track and good for you for making the decision to live a sober life. Part of recovery is learning to forgive - to forgive those who have hurt us, and to forgive ourselves.
Amy,
Good luck with the job issue!
welcome and hang in there!!!!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
I was pages behind as I hadn't checked in for 2 or 3 days.
Welcome JKaren!
Amy, I so hope you get that position. It would be less taxing too, eh?
Hydrogirl, thank you so much for sharing the photo!!!!!
Least, I hope you are having a good day, both resting and feeling stronger. You are an awesome lady...you know...the things with your daughter bother you because you CARE,
you are just having to adapt to how you express that.
Anna, it is always a pleasure to hear from you. I hope you are well and happy and busy on the phone with the new families!
Always grateful for your wisdom, work and sharing here, Grateful. You are a blessing!
Gypsy, my friend, keep the twinkle in your eye and the laugh in your voice...you have got it going on and these things now shall also pass.
SG, thank you for your posts and the many gifts you share with all of us.
Wishing a peaceful evening to all!
Love,
Tena
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Good evening, all!! Wow, lots of really incredible and inspiring progress on boundaries and self-care!!!!! You people totally rock!!!
Lisa, I hope that your "baby" will learn about the real world without having to suffer through too many hard, hard lessons! Same for you, BD1! I'm praying for you both and for your fledglings! And Lisa......that man was obviously just not good enough or strong enough for our Gypsy!!!
Good luck talking to the folks at the new restaurant, Amy! I have to agree that I can imagine you happily chatting with families and kids while working!
Huge hugs to you all and thank you for sharing such wisdom. All of you inspire me all the time!
Hugs, prayers, and serenity!
HG
Lisa, I hope that your "baby" will learn about the real world without having to suffer through too many hard, hard lessons! Same for you, BD1! I'm praying for you both and for your fledglings! And Lisa......that man was obviously just not good enough or strong enough for our Gypsy!!!
Good luck talking to the folks at the new restaurant, Amy! I have to agree that I can imagine you happily chatting with families and kids while working!
Huge hugs to you all and thank you for sharing such wisdom. All of you inspire me all the time!
Hugs, prayers, and serenity!
HG
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
Welcome JKaren!
I remember when we had the discussion, here about how much to reveal about ourselves and I commented I tell just about everyone everything. I believe it was ((Anna)) who said she used to do that and it was because she had lack of self respect, and at the time, I thought "hmmm, I think she has a point" and realized this was something I need to work on.
I was discussing what to divulge on my application and interview and a friend suggested I downplay the addiction years, and to cite something akin to burnout and family issues as to why I left nursing. My first thought is "this is lying..I can't do it". However, I also see that if I go into every future employer and tell them I'm a recovering addict from the get-go, I may be shooting myself in the foot. Just as I am not mentioning the lawsuit - that would surely get me booted out the door.
What I realized is, I still feel like people can look at me and see "oh, she's an addict" - like it's pasted on my forehead in neon red, even though when I've told people, they are completely surprised. I'm going to try to leave my addiction at home, this time, and if I get the job, it will be the first one I'v had, since I've been clean, that everyone I work with hasn't known my history.
I realized ((Anna)) is very right. I DO have a lot to do on my self-respect, and a ways to go.
Oh, and stepmom also said the server she talked to had asked my age (when he was asking what I looked like so he could keep an eye out for me) and told her "look around...no teeny boppers here!" Wow, wouldn't it be nice to work with adults all the time?!?!
I've talked to a mgr at work, and it looks like I can go down to 2 nights a week, but they would be Fri. and Sun. I did tell her I was looking for an additional job, but wasn't leaving that one and if bussines picked back up, I'd pick up more days. I really, really hate to lie, but I obviously can't tell them I'm getting another job lined up so I'll have itwhen the settlement goes through.
So, please keep me in your thoughts/prayers today. If this is meant to be, it wil happen and it will initially mean juggling THREE jobs, but I am willing to do what I need to do to get this albatross of debt from around my neck. I'd also love to call my lawyer and tell him "I'm still employed, but already have the new job, so you go ahead and push that settlement through, as fast as you can, now, okaY?"
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
I remember when we had the discussion, here about how much to reveal about ourselves and I commented I tell just about everyone everything. I believe it was ((Anna)) who said she used to do that and it was because she had lack of self respect, and at the time, I thought "hmmm, I think she has a point" and realized this was something I need to work on.
I was discussing what to divulge on my application and interview and a friend suggested I downplay the addiction years, and to cite something akin to burnout and family issues as to why I left nursing. My first thought is "this is lying..I can't do it". However, I also see that if I go into every future employer and tell them I'm a recovering addict from the get-go, I may be shooting myself in the foot. Just as I am not mentioning the lawsuit - that would surely get me booted out the door.
What I realized is, I still feel like people can look at me and see "oh, she's an addict" - like it's pasted on my forehead in neon red, even though when I've told people, they are completely surprised. I'm going to try to leave my addiction at home, this time, and if I get the job, it will be the first one I'v had, since I've been clean, that everyone I work with hasn't known my history.
I realized ((Anna)) is very right. I DO have a lot to do on my self-respect, and a ways to go.
Oh, and stepmom also said the server she talked to had asked my age (when he was asking what I looked like so he could keep an eye out for me) and told her "look around...no teeny boppers here!" Wow, wouldn't it be nice to work with adults all the time?!?!
I've talked to a mgr at work, and it looks like I can go down to 2 nights a week, but they would be Fri. and Sun. I did tell her I was looking for an additional job, but wasn't leaving that one and if bussines picked back up, I'd pick up more days. I really, really hate to lie, but I obviously can't tell them I'm getting another job lined up so I'll have itwhen the settlement goes through.
So, please keep me in your thoughts/prayers today. If this is meant to be, it wil happen and it will initially mean juggling THREE jobs, but I am willing to do what I need to do to get this albatross of debt from around my neck. I'd also love to call my lawyer and tell him "I'm still employed, but already have the new job, so you go ahead and push that settlement through, as fast as you can, now, okaY?"
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,514
Amy,
I understand your feeling bad about lying to your work people, but you need to take care of yourself in this situation. It has been ongoing for a long time and hopefully it will be resolved soon.
I understand your feeling bad about lying to your work people, but you need to take care of yourself in this situation. It has been ongoing for a long time and hopefully it will be resolved soon.
Leap of Faith Survivor
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 4,555
(((Sandy))), Welcome to our thread.
Wow, first of all, how strong are you. to just have had your mother poke a stick in a long standing wound, and then to walk by a bottle of booze in such pain.
My mother was abusive; they fought all their married life, and among other ways to cope, I became a codependent.
I am glad you have a therapist to walk with you.
I come from a large, dysfunctional family, and I knew I was alone in this and I realized I needed to fix me.
It wasn't until much, much later in life that I discovered I was a codie after having done a lot of 'other' work with me.. It was the best news and the missing piece of the puzzle.
With the people in my life, I had to decide what was mine and what was theirs and leave them to it.. I had no control over theirs, just didn't know it
I realized that I needed to take my focus off them (no guilt) and keep it on me if I wanted to heal, and be whole...
I think you are doing great and I am glad you are here
.
Wow, first of all, how strong are you. to just have had your mother poke a stick in a long standing wound, and then to walk by a bottle of booze in such pain.
My mother was abusive; they fought all their married life, and among other ways to cope, I became a codependent.
I am glad you have a therapist to walk with you.
I come from a large, dysfunctional family, and I knew I was alone in this and I realized I needed to fix me.
It wasn't until much, much later in life that I discovered I was a codie after having done a lot of 'other' work with me.. It was the best news and the missing piece of the puzzle.
With the people in my life, I had to decide what was mine and what was theirs and leave them to it.. I had no control over theirs, just didn't know it
I realized that I needed to take my focus off them (no guilt) and keep it on me if I wanted to heal, and be whole...
I think you are doing great and I am glad you are here
.
Leap of Faith Survivor
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 4,555
Sandy, I was nodding through everything you said....that was how it was for me, too.
When I found out I was a codie, I was overjoyed.. I wasn't fundamentally flawed with some mysterious dysfunction: I was a codie! Thank God....I finally discovered what it was that kept pulling the rug out from under me, and I could learn how to get free.
When I found out I was a codie, I was overjoyed.. I wasn't fundamentally flawed with some mysterious dysfunction: I was a codie! Thank God....I finally discovered what it was that kept pulling the rug out from under me, and I could learn how to get free.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
OZSandy, please do not lose heart. I used to go to my parent's to visit each time hoping it would be good and everytime leave feeling as if I had been stabbed a million times. We have gone no contact a few times, a therapist helped me with that...and the people here have helped immeasurably.....believe it or not....I now respect myself when with them and they show me respect and we are able to have a better relationship than ever. But this did not happen over night...it took years to gradually re-work the relationship. I think now, you might think about first protecting yourself from harm....and exposing yourself to such hurtful situations.
Last edited by Anna; 10-26-2009 at 02:02 PM.
Leap of Faith Survivor
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 4,555
You are reading from The Language Of Letting Go by Melody Beattie Copyright - 1990 The Hazelden Foundation
Clarity
October 26
I know better than to not trust God, But sometimes I forget that.
When we are in the midst of an experience, it is easy to forget that there is a Plan. Sometimes, all we can see is today.
If we were to watch only two minutes of the middle of a television program, it would make little sense. It would be a disconnected event.
If we were to watch a weaver sewing a tapestry for only a few moments, and focused on only a small piece of the work, it would not look beautiful. It would look like a few peculiar threads randomly placed.
How often we use that same, limited perspective to look at our life - especially when we are going through a difficult time.
We can learn to have perspective when we are going through those confusing, difficult learning times. When we are being pelted by events that make us feel, think, and question; we are in the midst of learning something important.
We can trust that something valuable is being worked out in us - even when things are difficult, even when we cannot get our bearings. Insight and clarity do not come until we have mastered our lesson.
Faith is like a muscle. It must be exercised to grow strong.
Repeated experiences of having to trust what we can't see and repeated experiences of having to trust that things will work out, are what makes our faith muscles grow strong.
Today, I will trust that the events in my life are not random. My experiences are not a mistake. The Universe, my Higher Power, and life are not picking on me. I am going through what I need to go through to learn something valuable, something that will prepare me for the joy and love I am seeking
Clarity
October 26
I know better than to not trust God, But sometimes I forget that.
When we are in the midst of an experience, it is easy to forget that there is a Plan. Sometimes, all we can see is today.
If we were to watch only two minutes of the middle of a television program, it would make little sense. It would be a disconnected event.
If we were to watch a weaver sewing a tapestry for only a few moments, and focused on only a small piece of the work, it would not look beautiful. It would look like a few peculiar threads randomly placed.
How often we use that same, limited perspective to look at our life - especially when we are going through a difficult time.
We can learn to have perspective when we are going through those confusing, difficult learning times. When we are being pelted by events that make us feel, think, and question; we are in the midst of learning something important.
We can trust that something valuable is being worked out in us - even when things are difficult, even when we cannot get our bearings. Insight and clarity do not come until we have mastered our lesson.
Faith is like a muscle. It must be exercised to grow strong.
Repeated experiences of having to trust what we can't see and repeated experiences of having to trust that things will work out, are what makes our faith muscles grow strong.
Today, I will trust that the events in my life are not random. My experiences are not a mistake. The Universe, my Higher Power, and life are not picking on me. I am going through what I need to go through to learn something valuable, something that will prepare me for the joy and love I am seeking
Leap of Faith Survivor
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 4,555
Originally Posted by grateful2b
Repeated experiences of having to trust what we can't see and repeated experiences of having to trust that things will work out, are what makes our faith muscles grow strong.
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But the odd time I still find myself stubbornly refusing to seek help from the source, if I am in great pain, not able to be honest with myself in the moment; or it is something I am refusing or am not ready or able, to see.
But that is okay..
It is human nature I think, ..but I am always chagrined when I find I have done just that..as I know better..
( its that darn old control thingy).
mergirl
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Paradise
Posts: 4,161
Welcome Sandy, What an incredibly difficult situation you are in. I applaud you for striving to get better in the midst of such a nightmare.
Amy, I'm pulling for you girl
I got an email back from the baby. She doesn't sound mad, but said she "wasn't on crack"=) I told her the NA people could help her learn to deal with stuff without any head change, and they welcomed pot smokers too.
I was going to try an AA meeting (been trying to make one for days), but then I even doubt my motives for that=)
edited because I think I am tired!!
Amy, I'm pulling for you girl
I got an email back from the baby. She doesn't sound mad, but said she "wasn't on crack"=) I told her the NA people could help her learn to deal with stuff without any head change, and they welcomed pot smokers too.
I was going to try an AA meeting (been trying to make one for days), but then I even doubt my motives for that=)
edited because I think I am tired!!
Last edited by Gypsy Feet; 10-26-2009 at 05:30 PM.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,514
Oh OzSandy,
Your post just broke my heart. I went through the same thing with my mother, and spent years and tons of energy trying to make things 'right' with her. I never did. The best thing I did, was to detach myself from her, on every level. When she was dying, I visited her, but I did not reconcile and I do not regret it.
And, it is a pattern. I self-sabotaged too, and made some bad decisions along the way because I thought I didn't deserve a good life. I sabotaged relationships, education, friends...because I felt uncomfortable feeling good. You can learn to heal yourself and to give yourself the love your family didn't give you. I am going to PM you with a link to an amazing website which leads you through a process of healing your inner child.
Your post just broke my heart. I went through the same thing with my mother, and spent years and tons of energy trying to make things 'right' with her. I never did. The best thing I did, was to detach myself from her, on every level. When she was dying, I visited her, but I did not reconcile and I do not regret it.
And, it is a pattern. I self-sabotaged too, and made some bad decisions along the way because I thought I didn't deserve a good life. I sabotaged relationships, education, friends...because I felt uncomfortable feeling good. You can learn to heal yourself and to give yourself the love your family didn't give you. I am going to PM you with a link to an amazing website which leads you through a process of healing your inner child.
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