My fiancé read my step 8 and he now he’s angry
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My fiancé read my step 8 and he now he’s angry
Both my fiancé and I are newly sober (over a year) and both went to treatment. I’m working through my second set of steps with my sponsor. He isn’t engaged in the program or NA (he doesn’t have a sponsor anymore). Anyways, I recently printed off my steps 6-8 on his computer. I guess I left the program open and he read my step. He read all my wrongdoings and past unfaithfulness in previous relationships.
He didn’t bring it up for days but it surface tonight. He is really upset I’ve cheated on my past boyfriends. He didn’t know I was unfaithful and now will not talk to me. Hurt and ashamed don’t express how I’m feeling right now. Shame on me for not closing the program but where’s the trust in the relationship?
I feel like that information was between me, God and my sponsor. I felt like I gave it to God when I did my step 8 and now he’s taken it back and thrown it in my face. To make matters worse, I’m now hurt and feel betrayed. I wouldn’t dream of reading through his personal step work (if he worked on it).
I’ve been talking to my sponsor about it and praying to my HP. I feel so hurt.
Has anyone gone through anything similar? Does anyone have advice? Feedback?
He didn’t bring it up for days but it surface tonight. He is really upset I’ve cheated on my past boyfriends. He didn’t know I was unfaithful and now will not talk to me. Hurt and ashamed don’t express how I’m feeling right now. Shame on me for not closing the program but where’s the trust in the relationship?
I feel like that information was between me, God and my sponsor. I felt like I gave it to God when I did my step 8 and now he’s taken it back and thrown it in my face. To make matters worse, I’m now hurt and feel betrayed. I wouldn’t dream of reading through his personal step work (if he worked on it).
I’ve been talking to my sponsor about it and praying to my HP. I feel so hurt.
Has anyone gone through anything similar? Does anyone have advice? Feedback?
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Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,775
Originally Posted by ARP55 
Both my fiancé and I are newly sober (over a year) and both went to treatment. I’m working through my second set of steps with my sponsor. He isn’t engaged in the program or NA (he doesn’t have a sponsor anymore). Anyways, I recently printed off my steps 6-8 on his computer. I guess I left the program open and he read my step. He read all my wrongdoings and past unfaithfulness in previous relationships.
He didn’t bring it up for days but it surface tonight. He is really upset I’ve cheated on my past boyfriends. He didn’t know I was unfaithful and now will not talk to me. Hurt and ashamed don’t express how I’m feeling right now. Shame on me for not closing the program but where’s the trust in the relationship?
I feel like that information was between me, God and my sponsor. I felt like I gave it to God when I did my step 8 and now he’s taken it back and thrown it in my face. To make matters worse, I’m now hurt and feel betrayed. I wouldn’t dream of reading through his personal step work (if he worked on it).
I’ve been talking to my sponsor about it and praying to my HP. I feel so hurt.
Has anyone gone through anything similar? Does anyone have advice? Feedback?
He didn’t bring it up for days but it surface tonight. He is really upset I’ve cheated on my past boyfriends. He didn’t know I was unfaithful and now will not talk to me. Hurt and ashamed don’t express how I’m feeling right now. Shame on me for not closing the program but where’s the trust in the relationship?
I feel like that information was between me, God and my sponsor. I felt like I gave it to God when I did my step 8 and now he’s taken it back and thrown it in my face. To make matters worse, I’m now hurt and feel betrayed. I wouldn’t dream of reading through his personal step work (if he worked on it).
I’ve been talking to my sponsor about it and praying to my HP. I feel so hurt.
Has anyone gone through anything similar? Does anyone have advice? Feedback?
What do you mean by left it open? Did you leave it up on the screen while you were gone?
If so, human nature might make it difficult not to read esp. if the person knew it might involve them. On the other hand if this is something your partner actually dug up that's another story.
Right now nothing much else can be done. He knows what you wrote and you can't very well say it's not true. Might be the end of the relationship but then it might bring you closer.
Guess only time will tell.
Side story: decades ago I was seriously involved with a woman and one weekend she helped me move to a new apartment. However, I was also seeing another woman on the side who left a pair of shoes one evening in the shoe box inside my front door.
I wasn't home when my girlfriend dropped by to help pack and she found the other woman's shoes. Not good.
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Oops
Originally Posted by Ken33xx
What do you mean by left it open? Did you leave it up on the screen while you were gone?
If so, human nature might make it difficult not to read esp. if the person knew it might involve them. On the other hand if this is something your partner actually dug up that's another story.
Right now nothing much else can be done. He knows what you wrote and you can't very well say it's not true. Might be the end of the relationship but then it might bring you closer.
Guess only time will tell.
Side story: decades ago I was seriously involved with a woman and one weekend she helped me move to a new apartment. However, I was also seeing another woman on the side who left a pair of shoes one evening in the shoe box inside my front door.
I wasn't home when my girlfriend dropped by to help pack and she found the other woman's shoes. Not good.
If so, human nature might make it difficult not to read esp. if the person knew it might involve them. On the other hand if this is something your partner actually dug up that's another story.
Right now nothing much else can be done. He knows what you wrote and you can't very well say it's not true. Might be the end of the relationship but then it might bring you closer.
Guess only time will tell.
Side story: decades ago I was seriously involved with a woman and one weekend she helped me move to a new apartment. However, I was also seeing another woman on the side who left a pair of shoes one evening in the shoe box inside my front door.
I wasn't home when my girlfriend dropped by to help pack and she found the other woman's shoes. Not good.
Thanks for the response. I closed the word document but the printer window (with the document) was left open
I hadn’t intended on sharing all my past harms with him because a lot of it is extremely person. Yes, I would have told him I’ve cheated on my exes. I just would have preferred he didn’t come to that information like this.
I’m hoping we are able to talk about this. Im keeping my faith and hoping my HP has a bigger plan with all of this. On a positive note, if we do move past this, I know he loves me and accepts all of me.
I’m just not sure how to bring up the violation of trust with him reading my personal step work. As of now, we haven’t discussed it. He’s more focussed on my infidelity. But I think it’s important for me to express how hurt I am about him reading it. Any thoughts?
Thanks in advance for your reply.
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O.k. it was his computer and he noticed a document. He looks at the document and given he is in the program realizes what it is. Yet he keeps reading.
He's upset at what he found and you're upset he didn't stop reading once it was apparent the document wasn't his.
Now what? Either you have trust or you don't and I don't play the game True Confessions with my wife. I have never asked about her previous relationships and I have never answered questions about mine.
O.k. back to your boyfriend. What I would recommend is saying your previous relationships are none of his business (but in a delicate way...) You haven't cheated on him right and you're happy together right? This is what's important.
However, if you get the feeling he's not going to let this (cheating on past boyfriends) go maybe rethink the relationship.
He's upset at what he found and you're upset he didn't stop reading once it was apparent the document wasn't his.
Now what? Either you have trust or you don't and I don't play the game True Confessions with my wife. I have never asked about her previous relationships and I have never answered questions about mine.
O.k. back to your boyfriend. What I would recommend is saying your previous relationships are none of his business (but in a delicate way...) You haven't cheated on him right and you're happy together right? This is what's important.
However, if you get the feeling he's not going to let this (cheating on past boyfriends) go maybe rethink the relationship.
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consequences- we have them for many things.
good lesson-leave stepwork on paper it was written on.
you can make amends for your part. after that,your side of the street is clean and its on him.
i am confused,though.
I feel like that information was between me, God and my sponsor. I felt like I gave it to God when I did my step 8
you say "second set of steps."
are your going through the steps again? going through everything from the past again?
good lesson-leave stepwork on paper it was written on.
you can make amends for your part. after that,your side of the street is clean and its on him.
i am confused,though.
I feel like that information was between me, God and my sponsor. I felt like I gave it to God when I did my step 8
you say "second set of steps."
are your going through the steps again? going through everything from the past again?
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Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
I’m just not sure how to bring up the violation of trust with him reading my personal step work.
remember,though
you have a HUGE part in this. dont be so quick to put all the blame him for it all.
who used his computer?
were you forced to use his computer? tied down with a gun to your head?
who didnt close stuff up on his computer?
basically, who really caused this to happen?
he surely didnt.wouldnt have happened if you didnt use his computer, so you have a huge part in it.
remember,though
you have a HUGE part in this. dont be so quick to put all the blame him for it all.
who used his computer?
were you forced to use his computer? tied down with a gun to your head?
who didnt close stuff up on his computer?
basically, who really caused this to happen?
he surely didnt.wouldnt have happened if you didnt use his computer, so you have a huge part in it.
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I think the OP understands she blew it by leaving the document on his computer. Yes, he read it but then my guess is most people would do the same. The question now is how to move forward. Given what was written had nothing to do with the fiancé it shouldn't be his business.
On the other hand if he's worried the OP will treat him the same down the road perhaps they should seek a professional counselor before setting any marriage date.
On the other hand if he's worried the OP will treat him the same down the road perhaps they should seek a professional counselor before setting any marriage date.
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
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exactly- how to move forward.
we can see differently, but for me, moving forward starts with owning MY part.then making amends.
We made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
heres a little from the 8th step in the NA book:
In preparing to make the Eighth Step list, it is helpful to define harm. One definition of harm is physical or mental damage. Another definition of harm is inflicting pain, suffering or loss. The damage may be caused by something that is said, done or left undone, and the harm resulting from these words or actions may be either intentional or unintentional.
A problem many of us have with the Eighth Step and the admission of the harm is the belief that we were victims, not victimizers.
Avoiding this rationalization is crucial to the Eighth Step. We must separate what was done to us from what we did. We cut away all our justifications and all our ideas of being a victim. We often feel that we only harmed ourselves, yet we usually list ourselves last, if at all. This step is doing the leg work to repair the wreckage of our lives.
the basic text of NA can be found here on SR
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...asic-text.html (Read: The NA Book - The Basic Text)
we can see differently, but for me, moving forward starts with owning MY part.then making amends.
We made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
heres a little from the 8th step in the NA book:
In preparing to make the Eighth Step list, it is helpful to define harm. One definition of harm is physical or mental damage. Another definition of harm is inflicting pain, suffering or loss. The damage may be caused by something that is said, done or left undone, and the harm resulting from these words or actions may be either intentional or unintentional.
A problem many of us have with the Eighth Step and the admission of the harm is the belief that we were victims, not victimizers.
Avoiding this rationalization is crucial to the Eighth Step. We must separate what was done to us from what we did. We cut away all our justifications and all our ideas of being a victim. We often feel that we only harmed ourselves, yet we usually list ourselves last, if at all. This step is doing the leg work to repair the wreckage of our lives.
the basic text of NA can be found here on SR
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...asic-text.html (Read: The NA Book - The Basic Text)
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Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,775
Originally Posted by tomsteve
exactly- how to move forward.
we can see differently, but for me, moving forward starts with owning MY part.then making amends.
We made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
heres a little from the 8th step in the NA book:
In preparing to make the Eighth Step list, it is helpful to define harm. One definition of harm is physical or mental damage. Another definition of harm is inflicting pain, suffering or loss. The damage may be caused by something that is said, done or left undone, and the harm resulting from these words or actions may be either intentional or unintentional.
A problem many of us have with the Eighth Step and the admission of the harm is the belief that we were victims, not victimizers.
Avoiding this rationalization is crucial to the Eighth Step. We must separate what was done to us from what we did. We cut away all our justifications and all our ideas of being a victim. We often feel that we only harmed ourselves, yet we usually list ourselves last, if at all. This step is doing the leg work to repair the wreckage of our lives.
the basic text of NA can be found here on SR
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...asic-text.html (Read: The NA Book - The Basic Text)
we can see differently, but for me, moving forward starts with owning MY part.then making amends.
We made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
heres a little from the 8th step in the NA book:
In preparing to make the Eighth Step list, it is helpful to define harm. One definition of harm is physical or mental damage. Another definition of harm is inflicting pain, suffering or loss. The damage may be caused by something that is said, done or left undone, and the harm resulting from these words or actions may be either intentional or unintentional.
A problem many of us have with the Eighth Step and the admission of the harm is the belief that we were victims, not victimizers.
Avoiding this rationalization is crucial to the Eighth Step. We must separate what was done to us from what we did. We cut away all our justifications and all our ideas of being a victim. We often feel that we only harmed ourselves, yet we usually list ourselves last, if at all. This step is doing the leg work to repair the wreckage of our lives.
the basic text of NA can be found here on SR
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...asic-text.html (Read: The NA Book - The Basic Text)
I refer to the fiancé who I gather isn`t on her 8th step and whom she wasn`t planning to make an amends.
If what he read continues to be an issue and bothers him perhaps counseling is in order.
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Join Date: Jun 2014
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I believe in prayer, the 12 step program and the fellowship. But I also believe in doing additional the footwork when required.
I recall a men's meetings I attended some years back where a young fellow shared about his upcoming wedding. He also talked about his roving eye for the ladies . However, he was working with his sponsor and writing an inventory each night as a means of correcting this. The group nodded in agreement.
All I could think is the kid really needs professional marriage counseling. Although seemed confident he was would find the answers with the help of his sponsor and the 12-steps.
Hope he did.
I recall a men's meetings I attended some years back where a young fellow shared about his upcoming wedding. He also talked about his roving eye for the ladies . However, he was working with his sponsor and writing an inventory each night as a means of correcting this. The group nodded in agreement.
All I could think is the kid really needs professional marriage counseling. Although seemed confident he was would find the answers with the help of his sponsor and the 12-steps.
Hope he did.
The truth shall set you free
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: United States
Posts: 5,267
Originally Posted by ARP55
Both my fiancé and I are newly sober (over a year) and both went to treatment. I’m working through my second set of steps with my sponsor. He isn’t engaged in the program or NA (he doesn’t have a sponsor anymore).
While you're growing in the program and getting spiritually fit by working the steps, your fiancé still clings on to the past. His feelings are valid but they come from insecurities. If he doesn't let go of his insecurities most likely you're going to have a rough marriage. By him reading your step work the seed was implanted in his mind and now he has reservations about your relationship or he would have never brought it up to your attention.
His insecurities will awaken every time you seem out of character, and as much you would assure him, he will continue to doubt your faithfulness until he works on his defects of character.
As for you, don't worry about how he perceives you, or if he's judging you. Keep working your program of honesty. Honesty and vulnerability go hand in hand. I cannot do one without the other. Usually, when I am dishonest it is because my will is in control. I often wonder about the difference between being totally honest and being totally self-justified. It is easy for me to justify my dishonesty except when I know on some level what is going on. When I am honest, I gain a great freedom because I know that I am not pretending or hiding any aspect of myself.
To many of us, recovery is about to facing ourselves, no matter how frightening that may be. My experience has been that people who are not in a recovery program are very uncomfortable with honest people. I, like most recovering addicts, find that honesty is easiest to practice in meetings. With spiritual growth comes the ability to practice spiritual principles in all my affairs. It is other recovering addicts who are not working a program who's defense mechanisms and avoidance behavior are the worst offenders of personal freedom.
TB
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Posts: 2,775
Originally Posted by ARP55
Both my fiancé and I are newly sober (over a year) and both went to treatment. I’m working through my second set of steps with my sponsor. He isn’t engaged in the program or NA (he doesn’t have a sponsor anymore).
Does anyone have advice? Feedback?
Does anyone have advice? Feedback?
You met in treatment and both have a year clean although not much longer. At the present time your fiancé isn`t active in NA or other recovery program.
Just a suggestion but perhaps you might consider postponing talk of marriage for now.
I`m sure your fiancé is a great guy with many good qualities.
But if he starts using again all bets are off.
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Originally Posted by tomsteve
consequences- we have them for many things.
good lesson-leave stepwork on paper it was written on.
you can make amends for your part. after that,your side of the street is clean and its on him.
i am confused,though.
I feel like that information was between me, God and my sponsor. I felt like I gave it to God when I did my step 8
you say "second set of steps."
are your going through the steps again? going through everything from the past again?
good lesson-leave stepwork on paper it was written on.
you can make amends for your part. after that,your side of the street is clean and its on him.
i am confused,though.
I feel like that information was between me, God and my sponsor. I felt like I gave it to God when I did my step 8
you say "second set of steps."
are your going through the steps again? going through everything from the past again?
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 6
Originally Posted by Ken33xx
I refer to the fiancé who I gather isn`t on her 8th step and whom she wasn`t planning to make an amends.
If what he read continues to be an issue and bothers him perhaps counseling is in order.
If what he read continues to be an issue and bothers him perhaps counseling is in order.
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Join Date: Jan 2018
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Originally Posted by Ken33xx
Has anyone either in or out of NA expressed concern over your talk of marriage?
You met in treatment and both have a year clean although not much longer. At the present time your fiancé isn`t active in NA or other recovery program.
Just a suggestion but perhaps you might consider postponing talk of marriage for now.
I`m sure your fiancé is a great guy with many good qualities.
But if he starts using again all bets are off.
You met in treatment and both have a year clean although not much longer. At the present time your fiancé isn`t active in NA or other recovery program.
Just a suggestion but perhaps you might consider postponing talk of marriage for now.
I`m sure your fiancé is a great guy with many good qualities.
But if he starts using again all bets are off.
We aren’t rushing the wedding and are planning on a long engagement. I do have fears of either him or Me using but I try to stay in the present. And you’re absolutely right, if either of us start using the relationship is going to be extremely difficult. I know I can’t force him or talk him into reconnecting with NA. I’m trying to lead by example and inspire him at this point and my HP will take care of the rest.
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Originally Posted by Timebuster
It seems your fiancé has a character defect that needs serious attention. I can tell you from my experience, if he holds on to this defect of character most likely he will set himself up to use again.
His insecurities will awaken every time you seem out of character, and as much you would assure him, he will continue to doubt your faithfulness until he works on his defects of character.
As for you, don't worry about how he perceives you, or if he's judging you. Keep working your program of honesty. Honesty and vulnerability go hand in hand. I cannot do one without the other.
TB
His insecurities will awaken every time you seem out of character, and as much you would assure him, he will continue to doubt your faithfulness until he works on his defects of character.
As for you, don't worry about how he perceives you, or if he's judging you. Keep working your program of honesty. Honesty and vulnerability go hand in hand. I cannot do one without the other.
TB
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 219
Originally Posted by tomsteve
A problem many of us have with the Eighth Step and the admission of the harm is the belief that we were victims, not victimizers.
Avoiding this rationalization is crucial to the Eighth Step. We must separate what was done to us from what we did. We cut away all our justifications and all our ideas of being a victim. We often feel that we only harmed ourselves, yet we usually list ourselves last, if at all. This step is doing the leg work to repair the wreckage of our lives.
Avoiding this rationalization is crucial to the Eighth Step. We must separate what was done to us from what we did. We cut away all our justifications and all our ideas of being a victim. We often feel that we only harmed ourselves, yet we usually list ourselves last, if at all. This step is doing the leg work to repair the wreckage of our lives.
T
The truth shall set you free
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: United States
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A person not familiar with spiritual principles of NA may have problems determining the amount of commitment or application they have to apply before getting results. Any reservations about doing the eighth step have a way of canceling out our spiritual actions.
To get results our amends must be strong and connected to an impulse of restitution or restoration to those we have harmed. Expectations of positive results are important, as is the willingness to take the necessary actions, and the ability to concentrate on what you're trying to do. These abilities combined with belief to trigger the spiritual shift or miracle we're praying for.
It may help to bear in mind that we are seeking help where all other efforts have failed and we are getting results. This is why NA is known as a spiritual program. The NA 8th Step frees us from others being able to push our buttons, thoughts of revenge or fear of revenge, fear of discovery, resentment, acts of sabotage, recrimination, justification, endless blame assessment, and incarceration, legal actions and physical harm.
Unless we are totally willing to make the amends, we will feel no relief and experience no positive change from the Eighth Step. The measure or our willingness is up to the individual for who can know the heart of another.
The Eighth Step is not easy, it demands a new kind of honesty about our relations with other people. The Eighth Step starts the procedure of forgiving others and possibly being forgiven by them, forgiving ourselves, and learning how to live in the world. By the time we reach this step, we have become ready to understand rather than to be understood. We can live and let live easier when we know the areas in which we owe amends. It seems hard now, but once we have done it, we will wonder why we did not do it long ago.
The final difficulty in working the Eighth Step is separating it from the Ninth Step. Projecting about actually making amends can be a major obstacle both in making the list and in becoming willing. We do this step as if there were no Ninth Step. We do not even think about making the amends but just concentrate on exactly what the Eighth Step says which is to make a list and to become willing. The main thing this step does for us is to help build an awareness that, little by little, we are gaining new attitudes about ourselves and how we deal with other people.
TB
To get results our amends must be strong and connected to an impulse of restitution or restoration to those we have harmed. Expectations of positive results are important, as is the willingness to take the necessary actions, and the ability to concentrate on what you're trying to do. These abilities combined with belief to trigger the spiritual shift or miracle we're praying for.
It may help to bear in mind that we are seeking help where all other efforts have failed and we are getting results. This is why NA is known as a spiritual program. The NA 8th Step frees us from others being able to push our buttons, thoughts of revenge or fear of revenge, fear of discovery, resentment, acts of sabotage, recrimination, justification, endless blame assessment, and incarceration, legal actions and physical harm.
Unless we are totally willing to make the amends, we will feel no relief and experience no positive change from the Eighth Step. The measure or our willingness is up to the individual for who can know the heart of another.
The Eighth Step is not easy, it demands a new kind of honesty about our relations with other people. The Eighth Step starts the procedure of forgiving others and possibly being forgiven by them, forgiving ourselves, and learning how to live in the world. By the time we reach this step, we have become ready to understand rather than to be understood. We can live and let live easier when we know the areas in which we owe amends. It seems hard now, but once we have done it, we will wonder why we did not do it long ago.
The final difficulty in working the Eighth Step is separating it from the Ninth Step. Projecting about actually making amends can be a major obstacle both in making the list and in becoming willing. We do this step as if there were no Ninth Step. We do not even think about making the amends but just concentrate on exactly what the Eighth Step says which is to make a list and to become willing. The main thing this step does for us is to help build an awareness that, little by little, we are gaining new attitudes about ourselves and how we deal with other people.
TB
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Here's my advice. You didn't cheat on him. You cheated on previous boyfriends. That shows what you have done. Anyone is capable of cheating given the right circumstances.
If you will not ever do that again, tell him so plain and simple. Then give him all your passwords to all your accounts and let him look at whatever he wants anytime he wants. Phone, Email, Facebook, Instagram, anything and everything.
Complete transparency. You must prove your loyalty and commitment to him. Also dump any opposite sex friends you have. They should not be part of your marriage. He feels insecure. I don't blame him. You have shown you are capable of betrayal. Prove to him you will choose not to do it ever again nor even get into a position where is it possible. He must do the same. It is reciprocal. Otherwise, don't get married. Honesty is the foundation to a long happy marriage.
If you will not ever do that again, tell him so plain and simple. Then give him all your passwords to all your accounts and let him look at whatever he wants anytime he wants. Phone, Email, Facebook, Instagram, anything and everything.
Complete transparency. You must prove your loyalty and commitment to him. Also dump any opposite sex friends you have. They should not be part of your marriage. He feels insecure. I don't blame him. You have shown you are capable of betrayal. Prove to him you will choose not to do it ever again nor even get into a position where is it possible. He must do the same. It is reciprocal. Otherwise, don't get married. Honesty is the foundation to a long happy marriage.
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Does it really matter that she used his computer?
Is a part of being in a relationship keeping secrets and hiding things?
Not for me, that's for sure. She wasn't doing anything wrong, she was doing step work. If he doesn't believe people change, she's changed her life, and ultimately accept her as she is, well that is a problem for the relationship.
I hope everything works out in the end.
Is a part of being in a relationship keeping secrets and hiding things?
Not for me, that's for sure. She wasn't doing anything wrong, she was doing step work. If he doesn't believe people change, she's changed her life, and ultimately accept her as she is, well that is a problem for the relationship.
I hope everything works out in the end.
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