My fiancé read my step 8 and he now he’s angry
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,775
Originally Posted by donewithhurting 
Here's my advice. You didn't cheat on him. You cheated on previous boyfriends. That shows what you have done. Anyone is capable of cheating given the right circumstances.
If you will not ever do that again, tell him so plain and simple. Then give him all your passwords to all your accounts and let him look at whatever he wants anytime he wants. Phone, Email, Facebook, Instagram, anything and everything.
Complete transparency. You must prove your loyalty and commitment to him. Also dump any opposite sex friends you have. They should not be part of your marriage. He feels insecure. I don't blame him. You have shown you are capable of betrayal. Prove to him you will choose not to do it ever again nor even get into a position where is it possible. He must do the same. It is reciprocal. Otherwise, don't get married. Honesty is the foundation to a long happy marriage.
If you will not ever do that again, tell him so plain and simple. Then give him all your passwords to all your accounts and let him look at whatever he wants anytime he wants. Phone, Email, Facebook, Instagram, anything and everything.
Complete transparency. You must prove your loyalty and commitment to him. Also dump any opposite sex friends you have. They should not be part of your marriage. He feels insecure. I don't blame him. You have shown you are capable of betrayal. Prove to him you will choose not to do it ever again nor even get into a position where is it possible. He must do the same. It is reciprocal. Otherwise, don't get married. Honesty is the foundation to a long happy marriage.
And this would continue for how long? Not a healthy way to start off married life off that's for sure.
Imo, all the boyfriend really needs to say is if you cheat on me I'm gone. The Op in turn says she won't and that is the end of it.
If distrust continues to be an issue the couple should either seek professional help or split up.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 12
He should not have read that. That is a huge line to be crossed. I don't want to tell you what to do. If this happened to me and my fiance was not active in recovery I would leave him. Without trust there is no relationship. Think about this, due to this action will you have trust issues in the future? Is that worth pulling through your whole life (since you are getting married)
Member
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 12
"Im keeping my faith and hoping my HP has a bigger plan with all of this."
It does not matter if it was open or he had to open it. If a person is in a relationship and cannot control themselves looking into one of the most personal things their partner will ever write, then they are not mature enough to be in a relationship. Especially since this writing was a therapeutic part of your recovery meant only for you, God and one other person (And I am sure you informed him of that). If his excuse is he read it because he is insecure then well sorry he is too insecure to be in a relationship let alone being ready for marriage.
The truth is that yes in the future you would have told him about these things. But right now is not the time to be fighting about your past. Especially since you just laid it on the table to God and let it go. He is essentially not allowing you to complete a recovery experience and that is not ok. If two addicts / alcoholics are going to be together early on in recovery then they both need to be supportive of the others recovery. He is not, and his actions honestly are negatively effecting your recovery in so many ways.
You said you hope you guys do talk about it. Which means he is only attacking you right now and not allowing you to put a word in. He is only thinking of himself and not your relationship or your recovery. Within a day of this occurring you two should have already sat down and talked it through but it sounds like he isn't doing that. He is using this as a way to put you down because of his insecurities. You did not cheat on him, so it is not something he can use as leverage against your current relationship. Stand firm and tell him it was the past and when he is willing to allow you to talk about it then you will respond but until then you won't. He doesn't sound very mature so it will probably take a long time until he is willing to hear you at all. Even you saying he broke your trust will probably make him upset because he can only see that he has been attacked somehow. But he hasn't, you did nothing to him. Your actions were from before your relationship so it does not effect this one.
"Im keeping my faith and hoping my HP has a bigger plan with all of this" what your HP has done is allow you to see his true temperment before marriage. You can see that he is capable of breaking your trust, attacking you for things you did in your past as well as things that have nothing to do with him, he is incapable of having a mature conversation about his feelings, incapable of seeing he has wronged you and apologizing. These are all things you shouldn't want in a person you are going to marry. So, allow this experience to be a window into what your marriage would be like. And ask yourself, are you ok with being with someone that is ok with acting this way?
Also, you said he loves you and is able to accept all of you. He may have voiced this in the past right but what do his actions show? Is he accepting all of your past right now? Because your past is all of you.
Do not let down any boundaries because of his self esteem. That is something he needs to work on, not something you need to work on. If the infidelity occurred during this relationship we would be having a different discussion. But remember, you have done nothing wrong to him. You have not broken your loyalty to him. He has no right to treat you as a cheater because you haven't cheated on him. Everyone has a past, especially addicts. We do things we wouldn't be proud of. But that's it, it is the past. This did not occur during your current relationship ship so do not let him treat you this way.
Good luck, I hope he comes to his senses and apologizes to you. But you need to realise he probably won't, especially since he isn't working a program himself.
It does not matter if it was open or he had to open it. If a person is in a relationship and cannot control themselves looking into one of the most personal things their partner will ever write, then they are not mature enough to be in a relationship. Especially since this writing was a therapeutic part of your recovery meant only for you, God and one other person (And I am sure you informed him of that). If his excuse is he read it because he is insecure then well sorry he is too insecure to be in a relationship let alone being ready for marriage.
The truth is that yes in the future you would have told him about these things. But right now is not the time to be fighting about your past. Especially since you just laid it on the table to God and let it go. He is essentially not allowing you to complete a recovery experience and that is not ok. If two addicts / alcoholics are going to be together early on in recovery then they both need to be supportive of the others recovery. He is not, and his actions honestly are negatively effecting your recovery in so many ways.
You said you hope you guys do talk about it. Which means he is only attacking you right now and not allowing you to put a word in. He is only thinking of himself and not your relationship or your recovery. Within a day of this occurring you two should have already sat down and talked it through but it sounds like he isn't doing that. He is using this as a way to put you down because of his insecurities. You did not cheat on him, so it is not something he can use as leverage against your current relationship. Stand firm and tell him it was the past and when he is willing to allow you to talk about it then you will respond but until then you won't. He doesn't sound very mature so it will probably take a long time until he is willing to hear you at all. Even you saying he broke your trust will probably make him upset because he can only see that he has been attacked somehow. But he hasn't, you did nothing to him. Your actions were from before your relationship so it does not effect this one.
"Im keeping my faith and hoping my HP has a bigger plan with all of this" what your HP has done is allow you to see his true temperment before marriage. You can see that he is capable of breaking your trust, attacking you for things you did in your past as well as things that have nothing to do with him, he is incapable of having a mature conversation about his feelings, incapable of seeing he has wronged you and apologizing. These are all things you shouldn't want in a person you are going to marry. So, allow this experience to be a window into what your marriage would be like. And ask yourself, are you ok with being with someone that is ok with acting this way?
Also, you said he loves you and is able to accept all of you. He may have voiced this in the past right but what do his actions show? Is he accepting all of your past right now? Because your past is all of you.
Do not let down any boundaries because of his self esteem. That is something he needs to work on, not something you need to work on. If the infidelity occurred during this relationship we would be having a different discussion. But remember, you have done nothing wrong to him. You have not broken your loyalty to him. He has no right to treat you as a cheater because you haven't cheated on him. Everyone has a past, especially addicts. We do things we wouldn't be proud of. But that's it, it is the past. This did not occur during your current relationship ship so do not let him treat you this way.
Good luck, I hope he comes to his senses and apologizes to you. But you need to realise he probably won't, especially since he isn't working a program himself.
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