ex D-Boy

Hey guys, I haven't visited this forum much, I'm usually on the substance abuse forum so let me give a little bit of background on myself.

Moved down to Florida in early November to live with my parents. I am 22 years old and have been dealing with a heroin addiction for the past 2years. At the time in NY I was living with my exgf who I managed to drag down with me. Anyway I realized there was a problem with a college student like myself spending over 200$ a day up my arm everyday not thinking twice about it. So I come down to Florida move in with my parents and tell them about my problem and ask for help.

Really wonderful parents, they were shocked and upset but put me into a detox facility along with a 28day inpatient program. Everything was going great, i was getting my life back together. Not dealing or using drugs anymore, transferred universities and continued along with life.

I am somewhere around 4 months clean and feel very strange. I have not embraced the program of NA or AA. I tried out meetings at first when I first got out of rehab but I don't know it wasn't my thing I guess? I am going through a lot of weird feelings lately though. Sometimes feeling like it would be alright to push off one more time being that I could enjoy it to the fullest and not worry about being dopesick anymore. I have found myself calling my ex and seeing what she is up to and seeing if she wants to come down and visit me??? Just weird things I guess. I figured by now I would have moved past all these things and not wanted to go back to it??

Would the steps have helped me go through these times?? Am I going about being sober the wrong way??? I am not all that much more happy right now then when I was actively using, I just don't understand.....

Any response is appreciated, Thanks ~~

bob_sapp

I don't think recovery is even possible without the 12 steps. You can be sober if that's all you want, but I think if you are really an addict, then you'll need a lot more than that if you want to truly change your life. -my 2cents

ian_g

I was in the same place you were at. I remember basically white-knuckling it for a month and a half. Life got worse then when I was out. I figured that if I put down all the **** my life would get better. NOPE. I didn't know how to live without that **** and now being in a position where I basically am trying to face life, I didn't know what to do. All I knew how to do was do the **** I was doing so I didn't have to feel with anything. All I wanted to do was escape and after a month and a half, I went back out for a month and a half. I knew that **** was going to go bad but I didn't care because I couldn't deal with facing life the way I was. I need to stop feeling that way and need to escape and I did and within 3 days I was back right where I left off.

When I came back in and was in so much pain and wanted to have all this stuff stop. I wanted to get rid of the obsession and I got a sponsor. He sat me down gave me the directions from the BB of AA and I followed direction. I went through the steps and I found a relationship with God. I also found out how to deal with things and be a productive individual. Living in steps 10, 11, and 12 on a daily basis. I have been give an incredible life but due to the fact that I took action. My sponsor always says that prayer with out action is begging and I've found that to be true.

Definitely get a sponsor who knows what they are talking about and can bring you through the steps. It's good that you are posting about what is going on rather than keeping it inside you. God bless.

butterfly19

ex-d-boy,

Thanks for posting on here. It's great to see you actively looking for some help. As you already know, I'm very new to this as well. Having said that, I'm so thankful for the site and for meeting people like you! You all inspire me on a daily basis.

The fact that you're here and willing to take advice of the others who have made it so far, means you're NOT stuck in recovery. In fact you're moving very much forward!!!! So have faith that this feeling will pass.

Sounds to me like you are doing all the right things. Getting help in the first place, making life changes, etc. . . You have to be a strong person to do all that and I feel certain your strength is going to help you through!

So take care of yourself! Good luck on finding a sponsor, the right one is out there for you. When I'm at a point where I need to find one, I'll probably be calling on you for the same kind of support. Stay strong and stay safe!

See you soon in chat,

butterfly19

REZ

NA felt weird for me at first, too. But I desperately wanted to stay clean, and NA seemed to be the only thing that would work. I had tried other things that did not work. I had tried staying clean on my own, which didn't work. Because I was desperate, I was willing to listen and give NA a chance. It was the best decision I have made in my life. NA has given me my life back. I hope you give it a chance too, and follow the suggestions, such as going to meetings, working the steps, getting a sponsor...

Moontime

I have not been able to stay clean without the 12 steps of Narcotics Anonymous. I've tried many many different ways to stay clean and I could not do it on my own. Eventually, the sick mind consulting the sick mind about a sick mind always won over. I've been able to stay clean because of the program the fellowship, and the HP I met in the rooms. They told me to give it a shot for a few month, what more do I have to lose?

Gmoney

Hey ex D-boy,

Welcome to the NA/12 step forum!

You say you haven't embraced the program of NA? You say meetings aren't "your thing?" You say you're having thoughts of using? I can imagine so...especially if you're an addict.

I'm here to tell you that you're not alone. Most addicts, who have never been in recovery, think that after they get clean, having thoughts of using must signal there's a problem. Relax... the normal state of an addict is to use and think of using. Most of us have used for so long that being clean is an abnormal state for us. Just try to understand that thoughts are just thoughts, and you do not have to act on them. You'll have to apply some effort to focus your mind on other activities and not to nurture the thoughts of using. If you allow them to pass, they will.

I believe that the reason you haven't "embraced" NA is because you're probably struggling with identification. At 22 years old, I'm sure it must be hard to see yourself in others at meetings. Youth in recovery is a continuing problem, and from what I've seen, very few younger addicts stick around because they easily disqualify themselves from the program and the fellowship. They're too busy comparing and usually are not desperate enough to be willing to follow the simple suggestions of the program. I apologize if I'm sounding like a hard-arse, but when I hear addicts say, "It's not my thing," ...I interpret that to mean that they aren't ready and would prefer to attempt recovery on their own. Bad idea.

I've been right where you're at. Unfortunately, when I rejected meetings and the 12 steps (after my initial introduction), it took me 13 years and multiple relapses to make it back to the rooms and surrender. I learned the hard way that I couldn't do it by myself. I tried almost everything else, but nothing worked until I became desperate and found NA.

Without help, the insanity slowly returns. I began to imagine what it would be like to "just get one." I quickly forgot how bad it was before, and all I could think of was how good it would feel if I did it again. Without help I always gave in, and each time I went back it got worse. I could never control my using, and in the end, my using controlled me. It's never the last one that got me...it was always the first one.

I can't tell you what to do, but I really hope that you'd give NA another try. And to answer your questions: Yes...the steps teach us how to live life on its own terms without drugs. Recovery in NA is about more than being abstinent. Recovery through the 12 steps of NA leads us to be happy, joyous and free. It may not be easy, but it sure is simple.

"If you want what we have to offer, and are willing to make the effort to get it...."

Doug

Those "return to using" thoughts, "just one more", as well as considering reconnecting with old people, places or things, are all pretty common. And pretty dangerous. Alot of folks have died because of this, and alot more will continue to as well.

The thoughts are one thing, what we do with them is another. You're seeking some help and answers, and being open and honest about whats going on with you, so don't stop now, and good job too BTW.

That's how this works. HOW.

We get Honest, then Openminded to suggestions, then Willing to do something other than what we think we should do. Next thing we know, we're past that one problem, and we've grown a little.

hairgirl

I have tricked myself into thinking I don't need meetings before, and I saw myself headed for trouble.I have never been clean this long before, so I guess it scares me in a way.I was trying to force myself to be "normal".I have done it allot in my life, only to find, I am not normal at all.I have a psychological disorder that without treatment, causes me to self medicate.I have never been as healthy as I am now, I just keep going to meetings cuz it is what has worked thus far.Why mess with a good thing??

Freedom1990

If using drugs were my only problem, it would stand to reason that once I put the drugs down, I'd be fine.

It didn't work that way for me because the biggest problem is right between my ears. The drugs were only a symptom of deeper underlying issues.

Simply put, I had no idea how to live life on life's terms. Somewhere along the way I missed the instructions on how to cope with life in a healthy manner!

I haven't met an addict yet who was emotionally stable, confident, and brimming over with self-esteem who just decided one day to start using.

I was a mess before I started using, and the drugs just magnified the problems 1000 X over.

My bottom came the day I shot up, and went straight to raw screaming emotional pain that I couldn't shut off. There was no high.

Staying in a program and working those 12 steps saved my miserable carcass.

That's just my two cents worth

acon4726

Great post, Freedom. I feel the exact same way about my recovery. Drug addiction is less about what you are liek while using and more about what you are like while sober. Recovery for me was figuring out why I would always be such a miserable ******* while sober, which would always lead me back to a relapse despite knowing the negative consequences. The drugs are a symptom!

Also D-Boy it sounds like you are in relapse mode. Its good that you are posting this. Just remember that 4 years clean off of a 2 year heroin addiction is very early recovery. You are in a fragile point in your recovery and should avoid risky situations like calling your ex.

Africa Life

I hear what you are saying about NA meetings just not being your thing - It wasnt my thing either. I didnt want to have to need NA just to get by in my recovery. I thought that I could manage on my own steam. It just didnt turn out that way for me I relapsed and continued to slip up whenever I was in a potentially dangerous situation for my recovery. I learned those lessons over and over again. I admitted defeat that I needed some more help than I could provide for myself on my own.

This was where NA came into service for me it was always available and I could see that those who went to meetings regularly stayed clean. What addict who is in any way serious about recovery wouldnt want that. There are of course other things in NA that its suggesteed that you should do in order to insure your recovery and strangely enough they work. This has been tried and tested over and over again on many addicts and it only fails when the addict thinks that they are cured and leaves the rooms.

Meetings provide a safe and secure environment to be able to talk to other addicts about addiction and even your addiction so that you dont have to make the same mistakes that other addicts have made in recovery. Alot of the information is repeated because it works and it sometimes takes time for that information to sink in. I only got that after going to meetings for almost a year. When what sounded like diatribe at first had actually established itself as truth relative to my experience. I wasnt as unique as I had thought.

I wasnt as humble as I thought - my rock bottom certainly brought me to my knees but I thought that in some way I was special and different. It took hearing others experiences, strengths and hope for me to learn that the disease of addiction isnt all that different from one addict to another. I need to hear that over and over again just so that I dont make the same pigheaded mistakes that most addicts make and let me share that just from watching addicts in the room run off on self will and then get burned and come back again that the rooms are always available to anyone at any stage of recovery and without them I really think that my journey would have been alot harder than it had to be.

Thank you for letting me share

bob_sapp

Part of the benefit of meetings is that you can use your sobriety and experience to help other people. You're 22, and being sober you have a lot to offer other young guys going through the same thing. When you help other people in a similar situation to you, it gets you out of your own head and away from self pity/depression and thoughts of going back. Self centeredness is what got us into trouble, being selfless and helping others is what keeps us from going back.