More random thoughts in my head
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Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: Arizona
Posts: 318
More random thoughts in my head
6 months ago today, I lost the only person who ever really loved me. I miss her, alot. More than I even know how to decribe. More than I can even think about because then it hurts to much. Sometimes all I want to do is sleep because in my dreams she is still with me. But then I wake up and I realize all over again that she is gone, forever. Life just really sucks and I find myself wondering what the whole point to it is. When Shirley first died, all I heard people say was "She is in a better place". Well if that place is so much better than here, why don't we all just go "there"?
6 months seems like a lifetime ago, and yet it feels like yesterday.
What does one do when there is no reason to go on, and you have no desire to fight anymore?
Yeah, same old crap.
6 months seems like a lifetime ago, and yet it feels like yesterday.
What does one do when there is no reason to go on, and you have no desire to fight anymore?
Yeah, same old crap.
To Life!
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Rhode Island
Posts: 9,293
(((Ranae)))
I'm sorry for your loss. Here's some information I hope will help:
Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross has named five stages of grief people go through following a serious loss. Sometimes people get stuck in one of the first four stages. Their lives can be painful until they move to the fifth stage - acceptance.
Five Stages Of Grief
Denial and Isolation.
At first, we tend to deny the loss has taken place, and may withdraw from our usual social contacts. This stage may last a few moments, or longer.
Anger.
The grieving person may then be furious at the person who inflicted the hurt (even if she's dead), or at the world, for letting it happen. He may be angry with himself for letting the event take place, even if, realistically, nothing could have stopped it.
Bargaining.
Now the grieving person may make bargains with God, asking, "If I do this, will you take away the loss?"
Depression.
The person feels numb, although anger and sadness may remain underneath.
Acceptance.
This is when the anger, sadness and mourning have tapered off. The person simply accepts the reality of the loss.
Grief And Stress
During grief, it is common to have many conflicting feelings. Sorrow, anger, loneliness, sadness, shame, anxiety, and guilt often accompany serious losses. Having so many strong feelings can be very stressful.
Yet denying the feelings, and failing to work through the five stages of grief, is harder on the body and mind than going through them. When people suggest "looking on the bright side," or other ways of cutting off difficult feelings, the grieving person may feel pressured to hide or deny these emotions. Then it will take longer for healing to take place.
Recovering From Grief
Grieving and its stresses pass more quickly, with good self-care habits. It helps to have a close circle of family or friends. It also helps to eat a balanced diet, drink enough non-alcoholic fluids, get exercise and rest.
Most people are unprepared for grief, since so often, tragedy strikes suddenly, without warning. If good self-care habits are always practiced, it helps the person to deal with the pain and shock of loss until acceptance is reached.
http://www.memorialhospital.org/Libr...ess-THE-3.html
It may be that you are stuck in the depression stage. If that's the case, it may help to get counseling for a while, to help you get "unstuck." It may even be that you could be helped by an anti depressant to get you over the hump. Talk to your doctor; s/he is the only one who can diagnose you and help you get past this loss.
The loss of a loved one will never go away; but, we learn to live life again, despite that loss. I wish you well...
Shalom!
I'm sorry for your loss. Here's some information I hope will help:
Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross has named five stages of grief people go through following a serious loss. Sometimes people get stuck in one of the first four stages. Their lives can be painful until they move to the fifth stage - acceptance.
Five Stages Of Grief
Denial and Isolation.
At first, we tend to deny the loss has taken place, and may withdraw from our usual social contacts. This stage may last a few moments, or longer.
Anger.
The grieving person may then be furious at the person who inflicted the hurt (even if she's dead), or at the world, for letting it happen. He may be angry with himself for letting the event take place, even if, realistically, nothing could have stopped it.
Bargaining.
Now the grieving person may make bargains with God, asking, "If I do this, will you take away the loss?"
Depression.
The person feels numb, although anger and sadness may remain underneath.
Acceptance.
This is when the anger, sadness and mourning have tapered off. The person simply accepts the reality of the loss.
Grief And Stress
During grief, it is common to have many conflicting feelings. Sorrow, anger, loneliness, sadness, shame, anxiety, and guilt often accompany serious losses. Having so many strong feelings can be very stressful.
Yet denying the feelings, and failing to work through the five stages of grief, is harder on the body and mind than going through them. When people suggest "looking on the bright side," or other ways of cutting off difficult feelings, the grieving person may feel pressured to hide or deny these emotions. Then it will take longer for healing to take place.
Recovering From Grief
Grieving and its stresses pass more quickly, with good self-care habits. It helps to have a close circle of family or friends. It also helps to eat a balanced diet, drink enough non-alcoholic fluids, get exercise and rest.
Most people are unprepared for grief, since so often, tragedy strikes suddenly, without warning. If good self-care habits are always practiced, it helps the person to deal with the pain and shock of loss until acceptance is reached.
http://www.memorialhospital.org/Libr...ess-THE-3.html
It may be that you are stuck in the depression stage. If that's the case, it may help to get counseling for a while, to help you get "unstuck." It may even be that you could be helped by an anti depressant to get you over the hump. Talk to your doctor; s/he is the only one who can diagnose you and help you get past this loss.
The loss of a loved one will never go away; but, we learn to live life again, despite that loss. I wish you well...
Shalom!
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Nowhere
Posts: 889
I'm sorry for your loss. Always hard to lose your 'partner in crime', I think it's pretty 'normal' to consider just kicking the bucket yourself too. Eventually that'll pass and you'll move on tho. But those ppl always hold a piece of your heart.
Always hard to lose your 'partner in crime', I think it's pretty 'normal' to consider just kicking the bucket yourself too. Eventually that'll pass and you'll move on tho. But those ppl always hold a piece of your heart.
A picture's worth a 1000 words
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: With any luck, I'm lost in a view finder
Posts: 2,954
There is a grief forum if you haven't found it already here within the Mental Health corner of SR where you can probably find more people who can help you heal a bit. You sound a bit suicidal. If you are, have you told anyone or talked to anyone about this? Don't let it get out of control before you seek some help if you're suicidal or even having thoughts around it.
There are plenty of reasons to go on! Really, truely! I mean it. I don't know if you believe in God or a higher power, but we are all here for a reason. If I would have followed my suicidal thoughts to the edge of a cliff and let myself go then I wouldn't have been here to experience some of the greatest happiness of my life. Life may seem harsh now, but one fact remains that everything changes. Nothing can escape time and change. So your future is literally chalked full of changes just waiting for you and that includes a ton of happy times - especially if you focus everything on doing things that will lend themselves to a happy future. Seek out the things in life that lift your spirit or make you feel warm inside. If you enjoy being around children then make a visit to a relative with little ones and maybe, just maybe, you might find yourself smiling at them! Or volunteer a Sunday morning in the nursery at a local church or pre-school or something! If you enjoy art, then create. If you've always wanted to learn photography or tennis or needlepoint or how to use chopsticks then do it!
So many people forget to nurture themselves, but it's just as important to feed your emotional and spiritual side as it is to feed your physical body everyday.
Over the last couple of years, I've let my own happiness rule my life and by adding little things here and there....now it's become a whole bunch of things that I enjoy about my life and myself - when before, I hated everything and sometimes prayed I wouldn't wake up each night. Luckily, my higher power was wiser than I and knew that getting through a temporary (2-year) major depression was worth it to move onto the happy life I was going to see on the other side.
You can do it. I promise. You know, until just recently I had never worn any colors of makeup other than neutral and natural tones, like browns and creams! I'm almost 30! Why you ask? Well, because in 5th grade a woman told me that those were the colors that worked best with my skin tones, even though I told her I prefered pastels in pinks and blues. After a little wining and me listening to her explination, the 12-year-old that I was just gave in and accepted what this older and more wiser person was telling me.
And of course, it never even dawned on me to second guess that until recently! It had just become a part of who I was without me realizing it.
Now that I'm grown and have started learning that my life is MINE to live how I want it (with the guidance from my higher power, of course)...it's like I have given myself permission to become the person I was born to be...and not the person I was told along the way that I should be. So every day that I get dressed and I do my hair in whatever fun way I decide that day (or fun jewelry I put on or make-up) it's like getting to be a kid all over again! And it's not blue hair and hot pink eye-shadow, it's just subtle things that mostly I know and notice with I look in the mirror and then feel good about the fact that it's fun to just be myself.
The point I'm getting around to making is there are SO many things to enjoy and celebrate in our lives each day, we just have to want to be happy and then make it happen come hell or high water. It's not going to happen over-night, but if you keep your eye on the prize and keep reminding yourself that eventually you are going to make it there...then you will! The key is not giving up no matter what.
Just accept that this time in your life is going to be a tough one and that it will get better when it gets better, but until it does look for ways to make the most out of even the worst of days (for me that was often reading self-esteem and mental illness books so I could get my brain healthy while my body was resting on the couch for weeks and months on end....or just giving myself permission to lay on the couch and watch t.v. all day because I knew I couldn't handle more than that right then and that there would be plenty of time in the future to do the laundry and clean house and all that stuff. I gave myself permission to be okay with the house be a total pig sty...because no amount of putting myself down was gonna get the floor vaccumed!
Figure out EXACTLY where you are at right now and then look at what you might can do tomorrow to make your world a little brighter (if nothing else, you can always open the window and let the sun shine in). REPEAT this question to yourself as often as you can and follow your answers through as often as you can and you WILL succeed.
Giant hugs and God bless,
Jenna
There are plenty of reasons to go on! Really, truely! I mean it. I don't know if you believe in God or a higher power, but we are all here for a reason. If I would have followed my suicidal thoughts to the edge of a cliff and let myself go then I wouldn't have been here to experience some of the greatest happiness of my life. Life may seem harsh now, but one fact remains that everything changes. Nothing can escape time and change. So your future is literally chalked full of changes just waiting for you and that includes a ton of happy times - especially if you focus everything on doing things that will lend themselves to a happy future. Seek out the things in life that lift your spirit or make you feel warm inside. If you enjoy being around children then make a visit to a relative with little ones and maybe, just maybe, you might find yourself smiling at them! Or volunteer a Sunday morning in the nursery at a local church or pre-school or something! If you enjoy art, then create. If you've always wanted to learn photography or tennis or needlepoint or how to use chopsticks then do it!
So many people forget to nurture themselves, but it's just as important to feed your emotional and spiritual side as it is to feed your physical body everyday.
Over the last couple of years, I've let my own happiness rule my life and by adding little things here and there....now it's become a whole bunch of things that I enjoy about my life and myself - when before, I hated everything and sometimes prayed I wouldn't wake up each night. Luckily, my higher power was wiser than I and knew that getting through a temporary (2-year) major depression was worth it to move onto the happy life I was going to see on the other side.
You can do it. I promise. You know, until just recently I had never worn any colors of makeup other than neutral and natural tones, like browns and creams! I'm almost 30! Why you ask? Well, because in 5th grade a woman told me that those were the colors that worked best with my skin tones, even though I told her I prefered pastels in pinks and blues. After a little wining and me listening to her explination, the 12-year-old that I was just gave in and accepted what this older and more wiser person was telling me.
And of course, it never even dawned on me to second guess that until recently! It had just become a part of who I was without me realizing it.
Now that I'm grown and have started learning that my life is MINE to live how I want it (with the guidance from my higher power, of course)...it's like I have given myself permission to become the person I was born to be...and not the person I was told along the way that I should be. So every day that I get dressed and I do my hair in whatever fun way I decide that day (or fun jewelry I put on or make-up) it's like getting to be a kid all over again! And it's not blue hair and hot pink eye-shadow, it's just subtle things that mostly I know and notice with I look in the mirror and then feel good about the fact that it's fun to just be myself.
The point I'm getting around to making is there are SO many things to enjoy and celebrate in our lives each day, we just have to want to be happy and then make it happen come hell or high water. It's not going to happen over-night, but if you keep your eye on the prize and keep reminding yourself that eventually you are going to make it there...then you will! The key is not giving up no matter what.
Just accept that this time in your life is going to be a tough one and that it will get better when it gets better, but until it does look for ways to make the most out of even the worst of days (for me that was often reading self-esteem and mental illness books so I could get my brain healthy while my body was resting on the couch for weeks and months on end....or just giving myself permission to lay on the couch and watch t.v. all day because I knew I couldn't handle more than that right then and that there would be plenty of time in the future to do the laundry and clean house and all that stuff. I gave myself permission to be okay with the house be a total pig sty...because no amount of putting myself down was gonna get the floor vaccumed!
Figure out EXACTLY where you are at right now and then look at what you might can do tomorrow to make your world a little brighter (if nothing else, you can always open the window and let the sun shine in). REPEAT this question to yourself as often as you can and follow your answers through as often as you can and you WILL succeed.
Giant hugs and God bless,
Jenna
Member
Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: Faith~Hope~Love
Posts: 963
(((Jessica)))
I'm very sorry for your loss I found the 6-month point to be extremely difficult in the grieving process. Shock is wearing off and there's nothing left to hide the cold reality that the loved one is gone forever. There are many reasons to go on, it may not seem like it now, but it will get better. I went on an anti-d for the first time in my life at the 8-month point because I was really afraid of what I was feeling and the fact that I didn't care about anything. Talk to someone, a counselor, a friend, or come here and share. It does help so much to get it out.
hugs,
deedee
I'm very sorry for your loss
I found the 6-month point to be extremely difficult in the grieving process. Shock is wearing off and there's nothing left to hide the cold reality that the loved one is gone forever. There are many reasons to go on, it may not seem like it now, but it will get better. I went on an anti-d for the first time in my life at the 8-month point because I was really afraid of what I was feeling and the fact that I didn't care about anything. Talk to someone, a counselor, a friend, or come here and share. It does help so much to get it out.hugs,
deedee
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: Arizona
Posts: 318
thank you everyone, you all have more faith in my life than i do right now.
i don't know if i am stuck in any one "grief stage", i kinda feel like i am in all of them at any one point. at least the anger and depression ones.
i have had depression almost all of my life, and have been on medication even before Shirley got sick and passed away. the doses have been increased since then and additional medication added, but i don't feel it's going to make any difference. i was also in therapy for several years, but stopped when Shirley died. i just really have no hope or desire that things are going to get better. i have a new counseler that i am supposed to start seeing, i see her on friday. but again, i feel it is all a waste of time.
am i feeling suicidial? it depends. i hate life right now. i wish i wasn't alive. but i don't plan on killing myself, at least not anytime soon. i have had attempts in the past, last one was about 4 years ago.
i know this sounds so negative, and i hate being negative. but it's just hard to see the light at the end of all this. so don't mind my "vents" on here. it's been very stressful, dealing with her death, trying to sell her home and continue paying bills, dealing with my dad and his issues, dealing with shirley's son who hates me because she considered me more of her kid than him, and facing the fact that i am likley going to lose my job in 3 months.
i don't know if i am stuck in any one "grief stage", i kinda feel like i am in all of them at any one point. at least the anger and depression ones.
i have had depression almost all of my life, and have been on medication even before Shirley got sick and passed away. the doses have been increased since then and additional medication added, but i don't feel it's going to make any difference. i was also in therapy for several years, but stopped when Shirley died. i just really have no hope or desire that things are going to get better. i have a new counseler that i am supposed to start seeing, i see her on friday. but again, i feel it is all a waste of time.
am i feeling suicidial? it depends. i hate life right now. i wish i wasn't alive. but i don't plan on killing myself, at least not anytime soon. i have had attempts in the past, last one was about 4 years ago.
i know this sounds so negative, and i hate being negative. but it's just hard to see the light at the end of all this. so don't mind my "vents" on here. it's been very stressful, dealing with her death, trying to sell her home and continue paying bills, dealing with my dad and his issues, dealing with shirley's son who hates me because she considered me more of her kid than him, and facing the fact that i am likley going to lose my job in 3 months.
A picture's worth a 1000 words
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: With any luck, I'm lost in a view finder
Posts: 2,954
Originally Posted by Ranae
I know this sounds so negative, and i hate being negative. but it's just hard to see the light at the end of all this. so don't mind my "vents" on here. it's been very stressful, dealing with her death, trying to sell her home and continue paying bills, dealing with my dad and his issues, dealing with shirley's son who hates me because she considered me more of her kid than him, and facing the fact that i am likley going to lose my job in 3 months.
Yes, I totally agree. It IS SO VERY HARD to see the light at the end of the tunnel, but even if you can't see it right now at all, just know that it IS there and that you will see it when the time is right and then it will start getting brighter and brighter until you can feel the warmth from the sun on your shoulders again. Just because you can't see it right now, doesn't mean it isn't there...
I've been in that deepest of deep, dark, black hole of dispair and hopelessness more than anyone should ever have to endure, but just reminding myself that I could learn my way around in the dark while searching for the light gave me a little bit of power in know that at least I could learn to live in the dark and that my eyes were becoming keener from the experience. There is things that can be learned from each experience that can help you move forward in life.
My worst fears came to light when I actually was fired from the job I had been in for 3 1/2 years and that I had spent nearly 7 years in college working toward. And I had won more than 20 awards for my writing and photos in those 3.5 years and they still tossed me aside like I was nothing. It was extremely tramatic because my work family was just that...a family until my illness reared it's head and everyone ran, even my best friend. All those losses at once (plus loosing the only man I've ever dated who I had actually said I wanted to marry and have kids with)...it about got the best of me. Oh, and my neighbor died, and one of my friends died while I was tucked away in a mental hospital and my mom was so worried that she didn't tell me and I actually found out from his fiance (and a co-worker of mine) a month later. I didn't even have a chance to go to his funeral and it hurt my co-worker a lot b/c I was the closest to her of everyone at our job. Mom forgot to even tell me when I attempted to go back to work and my boss had to tell me in front of my friend and I just broke down in the middle of the newsroom. And a neat girl I had met just before the hospital stay was also killed that month in a car wreck. And my aunt (who I was a mirror image of had died the same month I graduated college in 2001 leaving 2 young daughters behind).
So I guess, I'm trying to tell you that have an idea what it feels like to be where you are even though I've never lost anyone quite as close to me as you have. But I do know that she wouldn't want you to go on hurting so badly. She would want you to live the life you are meant to live. And that's your job...to live your life and not give into the feelings of hopelessness.
After losing my job and picking myself up of the pavement that my boss had run over me on, I found a job that was mortifying to me. I cried for 3 days straight as soon as the boss hired me...even crying at the new job. I felt like my mental illness and former boss had won and that I was totally whiped. But I continued to push through it because I needed to support myself and working in any job in my field is better than being out of the field that much longer. I was only there for about 3-4 months before I had enough and walked out. I felt even more defeated and I think that was the last time I got seriously suicidal, but I can't remember for sure.
Anyway, I started searching for a new job and I swear to you that had I NOT lost the first job and then hated the second job that I wouldn't have ended up where I am now (which is completely and totally wonderful). I am at a place in life and career right now that I couldn't have possibly imagined even before the mental illness came on. There is no doubt that God had a plan for me and still does and I will never again doubt that he knows what is best for me and my future (even when life feels unbareable - which I know will come again more than once). So I just trust and push towards the things I feel compeled toward.
And it's okay to vent and be pessimistic...it's 100% natural. I would worry about you more if you weren't given your circumstances. But that's why this place is so great! Because there are people here who have seen both sides and who can remind you that there IS light at the end of your tunnel....you just can't see it quite yet.
It's okay to feel the way you are feeling and the more you vent here and with friends and/or in a journal....the better you will navigate the grieving and healing process. So vent away! And keep hanging in there and then some day you'll be able to come back here and help lead someone else to the light. And for right now, you are letting others in your same spot know that they are not alone in their feelings...and that's is HUGE!
Hugs and God bless,
Jenna
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