There is a grief forum if you haven't found it already here within the Mental Health corner of SR where you can probably find more people who can help you heal a bit. You sound a bit suicidal. If you are, have you told anyone or talked to anyone about this? Don't let it get out of control before you seek some help if you're suicidal or even having thoughts around it.
There are plenty of reasons to go on! Really, truely! I mean it. I don't know if you believe in God or a higher power, but we are all here for a reason. If I would have followed my suicidal thoughts to the edge of a cliff and let myself go then I wouldn't have been here to experience some of the greatest happiness of my life. Life may seem harsh now, but one fact remains that everything changes. Nothing can escape time and change. So your future is literally chalked full of changes just waiting for you and that includes a ton of happy times - especially if you focus everything on doing things that will lend themselves to a happy future. Seek out the things in life that lift your spirit or make you feel warm inside. If you enjoy being around children then make a visit to a relative with little ones and maybe, just maybe, you might find yourself smiling at them! Or volunteer a Sunday morning in the nursery at a local church or pre-school or something! If you enjoy art, then create. If you've always wanted to learn photography or tennis or needlepoint or how to use chopsticks then do it!
So many people forget to nurture themselves, but it's just as important to feed your emotional and spiritual side as it is to feed your physical body everyday.
Over the last couple of years, I've let my own happiness rule my life and by adding little things here and there....now it's become a whole bunch of things that I enjoy about my life and myself - when before, I hated everything and sometimes prayed I wouldn't wake up each night. Luckily, my higher power was wiser than I and knew that getting through a temporary (2-year) major depression was worth it to move onto the happy life I was going to see on the other side.
You can do it. I promise. You know, until just recently I had never worn any colors of makeup other than neutral and natural tones, like browns and creams! I'm almost 30! Why you ask? Well, because in 5th grade a woman told me that those were the colors that worked best with my skin tones, even though I told her I prefered pastels in pinks and blues. After a little wining and me listening to her explination, the 12-year-old that I was just gave in and accepted what this older and more wiser person was telling me.
And of course, it never even dawned on me to second guess that until recently! It had just become a part of who I was without me realizing it.
Now that I'm grown and have started learning that my life is MINE to live how I want it (with the guidance from my higher power, of course)...it's like I have given myself permission to become the person I was born to be...and not the person I was told along the way that I should be. So every day that I get dressed and I do my hair in whatever fun way I decide that day (or fun jewelry I put on or make-up) it's like getting to be a kid all over again! And it's not blue hair and hot pink eye-shadow, it's just subtle things that mostly I know and notice with I look in the mirror and then feel good about the fact that it's fun to just be myself.
The point I'm getting around to making is there are SO many things to enjoy and celebrate in our lives each day, we just have to want to be happy and then make it happen come hell or high water. It's not going to happen over-night, but if you keep your eye on the prize and keep reminding yourself that eventually you are going to make it there...then you will! The key is not giving up no matter what.
Just accept that this time in your life is going to be a tough one and that it will get better when it gets better, but until it does look for ways to make the most out of even the worst of days (for me that was often reading self-esteem and mental illness books so I could get my brain healthy while my body was resting on the couch for weeks and months on end....or just giving myself permission to lay on the couch and watch t.v. all day because I knew I couldn't handle more than that right then and that there would be plenty of time in the future to do the laundry and clean house and all that stuff. I gave myself permission to be okay with the house be a total pig sty...because no amount of putting myself down was gonna get the floor vaccumed!
Figure out EXACTLY where you are at right now and then look at what you might can do tomorrow to make your world a little brighter (if nothing else, you can always open the window and let the sun shine in). REPEAT this question to yourself as often as you can and follow your answers through as often as you can and you WILL succeed.
Giant hugs and God bless,
Jenna