Originally Posted by Ranae
I know this sounds so negative, and i hate being negative. but it's just hard to see the light at the end of all this. so don't mind my "vents" on here. it's been very stressful, dealing with her death, trying to sell her home and continue paying bills, dealing with my dad and his issues, dealing with shirley's son who hates me because she considered me more of her kid than him, and facing the fact that i am likley going to lose my job in 3 months.
Yes, I totally agree. It IS SO VERY HARD to see the light at the end of the tunnel, but even if you can't see it right now at all, just know that it IS there and that you will see it when the time is right and then it will start getting brighter and brighter until you can feel the warmth from the sun on your shoulders again. Just because you can't see it right now, doesn't mean it isn't there...
I've been in that deepest of deep, dark, black hole of dispair and hopelessness more than anyone should ever have to endure, but just reminding myself that I could learn my way around in the dark while searching for the light gave me a little bit of power in know that at least I could learn to live in the dark and that my eyes were becoming keener from the experience. There is things that can be learned from each experience that can help you move forward in life.
My worst fears came to light when I actually was fired from the job I had been in for 3 1/2 years and that I had spent nearly 7 years in college working toward. And I had won more than 20 awards for my writing and photos in those 3.5 years and they still tossed me aside like I was nothing. It was extremely tramatic because my work family was just that...a family until my illness reared it's head and everyone ran, even my best friend. All those losses at once (plus loosing the only man I've ever dated who I had actually said I wanted to marry and have kids with)...it about got the best of me. Oh, and my neighbor died, and one of my friends died while I was tucked away in a mental hospital and my mom was so worried that she didn't tell me and I actually found out from his fiance (and a co-worker of mine) a month later. I didn't even have a chance to go to his funeral and it hurt my co-worker a lot b/c I was the closest to her of everyone at our job. Mom forgot to even tell me when I attempted to go back to work and my boss had to tell me in front of my friend and I just broke down in the middle of the newsroom. And a neat girl I had met just before the hospital stay was also killed that month in a car wreck. And my aunt (who I was a mirror image of had died the same month I graduated college in 2001 leaving 2 young daughters behind).
So I guess, I'm trying to tell you that have an idea what it feels like to be where you are even though I've never lost anyone quite as close to me as you have. But I do know that she wouldn't want you to go on hurting so badly. She would want you to live the life you are meant to live. And that's your job...to live your life and not give into the feelings of hopelessness.
After losing my job and picking myself up of the pavement that my boss had run over me on, I found a job that was mortifying to me. I cried for 3 days straight as soon as the boss hired me...even crying at the new job. I felt like my mental illness and former boss had won and that I was totally whiped. But I continued to push through it because I needed to support myself and working in any job in my field is better than being out of the field that much longer. I was only there for about 3-4 months before I had enough and walked out. I felt even more defeated and I think that was the last time I got seriously suicidal, but I can't remember for sure.
Anyway, I started searching for a new job and I swear to you that had I NOT lost the first job and then hated the second job that I wouldn't have ended up where I am now (which is completely and totally wonderful). I am at a place in life and career right now that I couldn't have possibly imagined even before the mental illness came on. There is no doubt that God had a plan for me and still does and I will never again doubt that he knows what is best for me and my future (even when life feels unbareable - which I know will come again more than once). So I just trust and push towards the things I feel compeled toward.
And it's okay to vent and be pessimistic...it's 100% natural. I would worry about you more if you weren't given your circumstances. But that's why this place is so great! Because there are people here who have seen both sides and who can remind you that there IS light at the end of your tunnel....you just can't see it quite yet.
It's okay to feel the way you are feeling and the more you vent here and with friends and/or in a journal....the better you will navigate the grieving and healing process. So vent away! And keep hanging in there and then some day you'll be able to come back here and help lead someone else to the light. And for right now, you are letting others in your same spot know that they are not alone in their feelings...and that's is HUGE!
Hugs and God bless,
Jenna