thank you everyone, you all have more faith in my life than i do right now.
i don't know if i am stuck in any one "grief stage", i kinda feel like i am in all of them at any one point. at least the anger and depression ones.
i have had depression almost all of my life, and have been on medication even before Shirley got sick and passed away. the doses have been increased since then and additional medication added, but i don't feel it's going to make any difference. i was also in therapy for several years, but stopped when Shirley died. i just really have no hope or desire that things are going to get better. i have a new counseler that i am supposed to start seeing, i see her on friday. but again, i feel it is all a waste of time.
am i feeling suicidial? it depends. i hate life right now. i wish i wasn't alive. but i don't plan on killing myself, at least not anytime soon. i have had attempts in the past, last one was about 4 years ago.
i know this sounds so negative, and i hate being negative. but it's just hard to see the light at the end of all this. so don't mind my "vents" on here. it's been very stressful, dealing with her death, trying to sell her home and continue paying bills, dealing with my dad and his issues, dealing with shirley's son who hates me because she considered me more of her kid than him, and facing the fact that i am likley going to lose my job in 3 months.