Bozo

The selfishness and self centeredness of my two sons and the blame I place on myself is getting to the breaking point of more than I can bear.

A simple task like helping deliver some newspapers for the younger brother who stayed at a friends house last night turns into a full blown episode of telling my oldest son things like I hate you, your selfish, your lazy, I wished you would move out.

Yeah....real nice things to say to an 11 year old.

I guess I better look into some professional help for myself ASAP because I am thinking suicidal thoughts again.

Its like why bother. Is this the best this family dynamics is ever going to get.

Like I said two weeks ago no one would care if I bowed out of this world.

I wont even bore you with the tears that are flowing right now.....

historyteach

(((Bozo)))

Yea, you're having a very difficult time right now, I'm hearing you....
I think it's a good thing that you're going to call the doctor. However, if you can't see him/her soon enough, have this number available to use, just in case:
Vermont
Clara Martin Center
800 639-6360
Please call it before you do anything you'll regret; your family will regret; your friends will regret. Suicide only compounds difficult issues for those left behing. Your children need you -- regardless of what they say right now.
Take care of yourself, Bozo.
Tell us what the problem is. A fight with your kids is nothing to kill yourself over.
And like it or not, many people would miss you if you left....

Shalom!
Call that number!

bikewench

Bozo...

Your right...
it is us .. letting us down

do whatever it takes to get right with yourself.

even if it just includes stepping away from the "children"... ;o)

That's one of the "beholdings" I have with my guy Norm.
He was with me through all that crap... when I thought I was going to pull my hair out over my kid...

... or do her in...

and I love her more than my life...

Ya gotta step back Bozo...

I found reading Barbara Coloroso to be a great book on how to live with our kids...

just don't give up...

or they win... ;o)

shutterbug

Bozo...hang in there. No giving up yet...YOU HERE ME!!!

It will be okay. We are only human....remember that...we are ALL fallable!

I personally think there are very few people out there who COULDN'T benefit from counseling with a good therapist.

Things will get better, but it won't be easy....just don't give up my friend.

Hang in there....

KatieRose

Hang in there.

CJ

Bozo

Feel a little bit better this PM. Went to a TKD workout this morning and that seemed to help. Raise those endorphins.

I am still researching L-glutamine and L-tyrosine for supplements.

historyteach

Glad to hear it.
Now, what about those blessings of yours? Have you given thanks lately?

Have a blessed New Year!
Shalom!

angelgirl

Hey Bozo,,

I can really relate to a point. I to have the same problem with my kids.. I have 3 teens,, (2) 13 yr olds, and (1) 16 yr old. They fight like nothing I have ever seen, every single day,, and I also have days were I just don't think I can do this for one more day.

But then I just keep on pugging away. It is so difficult, and depressing. We have been to counseling, and I have recently decided that we need to go back. So, I am going to make another appt. I have to, or I am literally going to break.

I just toally understood your post. I felt completely for you.. I can relate. I too say things that I just hate myself for,, and I carry alot of guilt over. I know I also need to get help with my therapist, and with my groups I attend. It is just so very hard for me to post something like this, becauseI also love my kids more than life, and I am a mom,, it just seems so NOT acceptable for a mom to say anythng wrong to their child.
I know I have said things like,, you are such a brat. Just leave me alone.. Go away. Shut up.. I try to correct myself then, and say, no you're not a brat, but, you're behavior is terrible,, because the guilt automatically sets in.. I don't say I hate you,, but I have said, maybe its time to think about a foster home. I just can't live this way anymore, you are all driving me crazy..

This is such a HARD thing for me to write about.. I feel like such a bad mom.. I would never ever want to lose my kids. I couldn't live without them.. It would destroy me. I know that it would, even if I say something abotu a foster home,, I don't mean it,.

Well, thanks for listening,, Bozo, I hear your pain, and i do understand. You are not alone here. I don't think we are the only ones..

I am going to look into that writer, "bike" talked about.. Maybe I can also gain some help and understanding through her..

But a therapsit is a very good place to go..

Thanks so much Bozo for posting this,,

Love,
Becky

BlueMoon

B - when I'm feeling like this, I HAVE to keep reminding myself that my perspective is really screwed up right now and all I can see is "bad stuff" - and it really really feels like it has ALWAYS been "this way" and that it will continue to be "this way" FOREVER.

When I hear myself using words like ALWAYS and FOREVER, it's a signal to me - to talk to someone, to get help, to do something nice for *ME* (even if that means go back to bed and it's only 1pm!)

I raised my son by myself - I also am guilty of yelling horrible things at him - worse yet, sometimes I think I really MEANT those things. It doesn't mean we're horrible parents - or horrible people. It means we need to get some help - some RELIEF - from the the disease of depression.

I've been battling maic-depression for 25yrs - since my son was 3yo. As *I* learned things, I tried to share what I learned with him as well. I had to explain that something was wrong in my brain, that it made me say/do mean things that I DID NOT MEAN - and most importantly - that I was seeing the doctor (+ whatever support groups) and I was working to be OK again.

My son is 28yo now - ALL of the icky things he + I went thru have served to make us very close. I never would have thought!

Vent, rant, cry - EVERYTHING you want/need to do! LET IT OUT!!
It has always amazed me how much I can figure out about *me* when I let myself just dump everything I can think of.
If nothing else, crying makes me tired enough that I can go take a nap and hide for a bit. Sometimes, I just need that.

Hang in there! *I* would miss you and so would ALOT of others here! **hugs** You're not the only one to feel like this sometimes. You're not alone any more cuz we're all here too.

Bright Blessings,
Blue