Hey Bozo,,
I can really relate to a point. I to have the same problem with my kids.. I have 3 teens,, (2) 13 yr olds, and (1) 16 yr old. They fight like nothing I have ever seen, every single day,, and I also have days were I just don't think I can do this for one more day.
But then I just keep on pugging away. It is so difficult, and depressing. We have been to counseling, and I have recently decided that we need to go back. So, I am going to make another appt. I have to, or I am literally going to break.
I just toally understood your post. I felt completely for you.. I can relate. I too say things that I just hate myself for,, and I carry alot of guilt over. I know I also need to get help with my therapist, and with my groups I attend. It is just so very hard for me to post something like this, becauseI also love my kids more than life, and I am a mom,, it just seems so NOT acceptable for a mom to say anythng wrong to their child.
I know I have said things like,, you are such a brat. Just leave me alone.. Go away. Shut up.. I try to correct myself then, and say, no you're not a brat, but, you're behavior is terrible,, because the guilt automatically sets in.. I don't say I hate you,, but I have said, maybe its time to think about a foster home. I just can't live this way anymore, you are all driving me crazy..
This is such a HARD thing for me to write about.. I feel like such a bad mom.. I would never ever want to lose my kids. I couldn't live without them.. It would destroy me. I know that it would, even if I say something abotu a foster home,, I don't mean it,.
Well, thanks for listening,, Bozo, I hear your pain, and i do understand. You are not alone here. I don't think we are the only ones..
I am going to look into that writer, "bike" talked about.. Maybe I can also gain some help and understanding through her..
But a therapsit is a very good place to go..
Thanks so much Bozo for posting this,,
Love,
Becky