It falls apart again....
~Author of My Life~
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Doing what I thought I couldn't....
Posts: 4,796
It falls apart again....
I thought my marriage was starting to do better. Talking more to each other, less argument, less odd behaviour on his part....then tonight...it starts again. I tell him I have to go and get my son one more thing for school...a binder....he nuts up!! Tells me I wasn't going according to the plan I had told him and was all the shopping I did all week for nothing??!!! Told me I was too spontaneous, and I was a psycho..yada yada blah blah blah.......... he was growing really argumentative, so I went out the basement door....to have a smoke..bad idea!! He had told us earlier not to use the door it wasn't closing right...I heard a banging real loud...the kids came running out said dad had threw a knife in the door....I kept the kids outside, went to see what his deal was..he says...I just stuck the knife in the door to keep it closed because we were too stupid to not remember to not use it!!!
I am furious, and sad, and angry...........he has left already...for how long who knows!!! I don't know......................I am numb right now.......so numb...and sooo tired.......
I am furious, and sad, and angry...........he has left already...for how long who knows!!! I don't know......................I am numb right now.......so numb...and sooo tired.......
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
All right 2stop, you know I love you. Go to women in recovery and read the emotional abuse stickie at the top. Because this kind of behavior IS over the top. And kids get terrorized seeing, being around things like that. Little wonder you are numb and tired. That would be the normal reaction. Stay in touch! I am here for awhile and there are so many others that love you as well. You have enough to deal with and are doing so well, you sure don't need anyone damaging your well-being.
Having lived with abuse and now being truly loved and treasured. Well, I'd be calling the cops on him.
Having lived with abuse and now being truly loved and treasured. Well, I'd be calling the cops on him.
~Author of My Life~
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Doing what I thought I couldn't....
Posts: 4,796
Used to I could make it on my own..I don't knoiw how to now...........I can try..but I don't know how...........I am so frustrated, and I feel trapped........I feel weak..and stupid.............I have to do something.........it's getting too crazy........... 
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,598
Tammie, I'm so sorry you are going through this. It is awful that you are living in such a stressful situation! I understand that you feel trapped at the moment but I know how very strong you are. There are ways to get out of this. If you feel in danger, and I think you do, you can find refuge in a women's shelter. Call, they will send someone to pick you up. If you are not ready to make that move, then you need to make a plan for yourself and your kids. You would be able to get support from your husband for you and your kids and a lawyer can help you with this. Many lawyers will offer a free consultation so you can find out what your options are.
You are not weak or stupid and never have been, not the Tammie I know. Have faith and move forward.
Love, Anna
You are not weak or stupid and never have been, not the Tammie I know. Have faith and move forward.
Love, Anna
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,598
Tammie,
There are places where women and children can be safe and protected. That is what the employees in the shelters do - they keep you safe and help you to rebuild your life. What kind of power does your husband have?
Love, Anna
There are places where women and children can be safe and protected. That is what the employees in the shelters do - they keep you safe and help you to rebuild your life. What kind of power does your husband have?
Love, Anna
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
I understand what Tammie is saying about being safe and protected.
I used to tell my daughter that if I ever disappeared that I would have been strangled and would be in the bottom of some pond or lake that almost no one knows about and my body would never be found.
I moved back to my own home. I was not safe. I could not work in any public place, I was not safe. I could not drive down a road, I was not safe. I could not work in a place that gave me a security escort to my car and had a restraining order, I was not safe.
I had to disappear. Move far away and only let my closest and trustworthy know where I was and even then, not until I was there.
But do contact domestic abuse. And you can stay safe until you come up with a plan. But as the stickie tells you, even before that you must have a plan.
I used to tell my daughter that if I ever disappeared that I would have been strangled and would be in the bottom of some pond or lake that almost no one knows about and my body would never be found.
I moved back to my own home. I was not safe. I could not work in any public place, I was not safe. I could not drive down a road, I was not safe. I could not work in a place that gave me a security escort to my car and had a restraining order, I was not safe.
I had to disappear. Move far away and only let my closest and trustworthy know where I was and even then, not until I was there.
But do contact domestic abuse. And you can stay safe until you come up with a plan. But as the stickie tells you, even before that you must have a plan.
~Author of My Life~
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Doing what I thought I couldn't....
Posts: 4,796
I am working on a plan.........looking at what resources I can use, and where to go from here. Has to be up...cause I feel really really really low.
Thanks for listening and for the advice ladies, I appreciate it sooo much. Gotta get the kids in bed...tomorrow is their first day of school. I feel so bad for them...I have to build them a better life.
Thanks for listening and for the advice ladies, I appreciate it sooo much. Gotta get the kids in bed...tomorrow is their first day of school. I feel so bad for them...I have to build them a better life.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,598
Well, that I understand!
My daughter was stalked by someone she did not know and that was really frightening. The police could not/would not do anything. I didn't find a private detective I had enough faith in to hire. So, in the middle of the night, with me as lookout, we moved her. Then 2 months later, we moved her to another city. It was the only way.
I didn't know your situation was so serious Tammie. I don't know what to say, but, as Live and I both said, the shelter will keep you safe temporarily.
Love, Anna
My daughter was stalked by someone she did not know and that was really frightening. The police could not/would not do anything. I didn't find a private detective I had enough faith in to hire. So, in the middle of the night, with me as lookout, we moved her. Then 2 months later, we moved her to another city. It was the only way.
I didn't know your situation was so serious Tammie. I don't know what to say, but, as Live and I both said, the shelter will keep you safe temporarily.
Love, Anna
In Memory Of
Join Date: Jan 2004
Location: Connecticut.
Posts: 3,736
((( Tammie )))
I'm so sorry.I was married to a man like that, many years ago. I left and was lucky because he lived in another state and I still had my parent's to help me. They wear you down, you know? So you will never leave. Tammie, I only know you from this site, but from what you post,you sound like a really wonderful person. I hope you can still believe that you are wothwhile and strong. Worthy of the best treatment.Gather your forces, summon your strength. Document every single incident and have an escape plan always. Extra key's,extra cell phone.I am pulling for you.Wish I could say more,help more. My spirit is with you.
Bless, Trish
I'm so sorry.I was married to a man like that, many years ago. I left and was lucky because he lived in another state and I still had my parent's to help me. They wear you down, you know? So you will never leave. Tammie, I only know you from this site, but from what you post,you sound like a really wonderful person. I hope you can still believe that you are wothwhile and strong. Worthy of the best treatment.Gather your forces, summon your strength. Document every single incident and have an escape plan always. Extra key's,extra cell phone.I am pulling for you.Wish I could say more,help more. My spirit is with you.
Bless, Trish
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
Tammie, I feel sure you all ready know this, but just to be on the safe side. You cannot talk about any of your plans or let them know anything is up.(with kids). Be an actress yourself, oscar-winning, keep him from suspecting anything. Don't break your patterns. That is a dead giveaway. And they read it, he has been reading you for a long time learning how to break you down. Friends watching you for him. Stalking. Spying. Do or say anything you have to until you can disappear. Please pm me where you live. Would you do that?
~Author of My Life~
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Doing what I thought I couldn't....
Posts: 4,796
Thank you Trish...........I was feeling numb..but now am about to bawl my head off..trying to wait til kids are asleep. I keep loking around the house, at his clothes, things we bought together, memories....can't start with the whys but it stil enters my mind and makes my heart feel like it's bleedingout..........
Thanks again, all of you............I have been strugling with my worth...not being able to drive again yet, no job, a recovering addict........I have been starting to think I am more awful than I ever believed before. I know I have good things about me...but I still don't feel quite worthy of being loved for me.......I am never good enough, and my past..he always throws my past in my face, what an addict I am, how I have to take an antidepressant now...(but just because he says I am a pill head is the only reason) it hurts when he says that..I start really questioing myself...........tonight he screamed and screeamed I was a psycho...but I wasn't the one puting a knife in the door, or screaming or nutting up about buying my son a school binder! HE'S the one acting psycho!..I am angry and sad with him..he has many wonderful qualities..but something has been wrong ther past few months..very bizarre behaviour.......just odd comments over the silliest things.
Thanks again, all of you............I have been strugling with my worth...not being able to drive again yet, no job, a recovering addict........I have been starting to think I am more awful than I ever believed before. I know I have good things about me...but I still don't feel quite worthy of being loved for me.......I am never good enough, and my past..he always throws my past in my face, what an addict I am, how I have to take an antidepressant now...(but just because he says I am a pill head is the only reason) it hurts when he says that..I start really questioing myself...........tonight he screamed and screeamed I was a psycho...but I wasn't the one puting a knife in the door, or screaming or nutting up about buying my son a school binder! HE'S the one acting psycho!..I am angry and sad with him..he has many wonderful qualities..but something has been wrong ther past few months..very bizarre behaviour.......just odd comments over the silliest things.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
I am sorry girls, but in reality, keys are no help. You may not be able to make it to the car. And it will be disabled. The cell phone is a good suggestion, but no real protection.
I barely lived through my last incident, yes I was suffocated and knocked unconsious and tied up. I lived because I did an oscar winning performance and was very lucky. I just donated my books about all this, sorry, but even tho' I would like to mail them to you, that too would be dangerous.
Tammie, I hope you can tell I understand TOO WELL.
Escaping was the hardest thing I ever did (including my son's suicide, dealing with it) but it was also the best thing I ever did.
If I could do it, you can too.
I barely lived through my last incident, yes I was suffocated and knocked unconsious and tied up. I lived because I did an oscar winning performance and was very lucky. I just donated my books about all this, sorry, but even tho' I would like to mail them to you, that too would be dangerous.
Tammie, I hope you can tell I understand TOO WELL.
Escaping was the hardest thing I ever did (including my son's suicide, dealing with it) but it was also the best thing I ever did.
If I could do it, you can too.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
Oh, mine was a charmer, so many loving and lovable qualities, I just couldn't reconcile it. I just wanted him to get well, so we could be happy.
But it doesn't stop. It gets worse.
He provoked one of the girlfriends after me so madly, she shot at him and she has serious charges against her. He got off scot-free. The cops are his hunting buddies.
And everyone was convinced (by him) that I was the crazy one.
Making you feel worthless is part of it. Making you feel helpless is part of it. Making you feel weak is part of it. Can you see that from the things he says to you?
I was still in love with him when I fled. I stayed in love with him for quite awhile.
It takes a long time to sort out.
But it doesn't stop. It gets worse.
He provoked one of the girlfriends after me so madly, she shot at him and she has serious charges against her. He got off scot-free. The cops are his hunting buddies.
And everyone was convinced (by him) that I was the crazy one.
Making you feel worthless is part of it. Making you feel helpless is part of it. Making you feel weak is part of it. Can you see that from the things he says to you?
I was still in love with him when I fled. I stayed in love with him for quite awhile.
It takes a long time to sort out.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
One thing it took me years to learn and I just had to, I was compelled to understand...that this type of person has borderline personality disorder.
Even the remorse is a manipulation.
You are right, Tammie, it is ALL about power and control.
Even the remorse is a manipulation.
You are right, Tammie, it is ALL about power and control.
~Author of My Life~
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Doing what I thought I couldn't....
Posts: 4,796
Live, yes I'll PM you my address.
Trish...There have been some weird stuff earlier...not violent or emotional abuse per se..as I look back it was probably emotional abuse...but not purposely...but this really crazy erratic behaviour of his has been the past few months, yes.
Bascially he has always been a very patient man, very even, emotionally tough....he had no emotions really when I got with him..he has thanked me a few times for helping him feel, to have emotions....but I think he lived so long having to keep his emotions at bay that he doesn't cope well with feelings.
I still believe he is a good man...but he needs help...help that I cannot give him. Power is an addiction too. Just as deadly as any other IMO.
In the past year his mother has died, the year before that his grandparents the two adults who ever truly love dhim died....this year we are in tax trouble, IRS, real estate, school tax, personal tax, you name it we are in deep with it..his last job didn't take out taxes and it has really hurt us. His health isn't good......he lives in alot of pain...........I just don't know how to help him anymore.....I will always love him.....I know he isn't acting himself........but I cannnot help someone that loses it with knives and such. Couple months ago the first time ever he raised his fist to me......I told him he didn't want to go there. I have to watch myself because I have a natural instict to get right back in someones face and tell em where to go .....I have never been the type to take threats or violence against me. When you love someone it makes it hard.
I have thought about getting marriage counselling..but don't know how well that would go over.....will have to see. All I know is I have to get my DL's and drive, get a job and be able to support the kids and I, maybe things can be worked out..I don't know..he may go over the road soon seeing as his current job is seasonal. It wasn't this bad when he was gone all week and only home weekends.....
Trish...There have been some weird stuff earlier...not violent or emotional abuse per se..as I look back it was probably emotional abuse...but not purposely...but this really crazy erratic behaviour of his has been the past few months, yes.
Bascially he has always been a very patient man, very even, emotionally tough....he had no emotions really when I got with him..he has thanked me a few times for helping him feel, to have emotions....but I think he lived so long having to keep his emotions at bay that he doesn't cope well with feelings.
I still believe he is a good man...but he needs help...help that I cannot give him. Power is an addiction too. Just as deadly as any other IMO.
In the past year his mother has died, the year before that his grandparents the two adults who ever truly love dhim died....this year we are in tax trouble, IRS, real estate, school tax, personal tax, you name it we are in deep with it..his last job didn't take out taxes and it has really hurt us. His health isn't good......he lives in alot of pain...........I just don't know how to help him anymore.....I will always love him.....I know he isn't acting himself........but I cannnot help someone that loses it with knives and such. Couple months ago the first time ever he raised his fist to me......I told him he didn't want to go there. I have to watch myself because I have a natural instict to get right back in someones face and tell em where to go .....I have never been the type to take threats or violence against me. When you love someone it makes it hard.
I have thought about getting marriage counselling..but don't know how well that would go over.....will have to see. All I know is I have to get my DL's and drive, get a job and be able to support the kids and I, maybe things can be worked out..I don't know..he may go over the road soon seeing as his current job is seasonal. It wasn't this bad when he was gone all week and only home weekends.....
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
Marriage counseling would be good. It is good to get an outside objective view.
Mine did not resort to physical violence until the last year of 5 years together, that's when the emotional, psychological abuse wasn't working very well anymore.
If all this did just start recently, then by all means, marriage counseling. But remember to take care of you. Start a stash, dollar by dollar at a time in case you might need it. If not then Merry Christmas!
Mine did not resort to physical violence until the last year of 5 years together, that's when the emotional, psychological abuse wasn't working very well anymore.
If all this did just start recently, then by all means, marriage counseling. But remember to take care of you. Start a stash, dollar by dollar at a time in case you might need it. If not then Merry Christmas!
Community Greeter
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Mid-Life Express
Posts: 9,930
I am here for you Tammie should you need me, my ex tried to kill me and my handicapped son etc. he nearly did too. Stay strong remember your name 2stop, you can stop this too. My candle is lit.
love Annie
love Annie
~Author of My Life~
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Doing what I thought I couldn't....
Posts: 4,796
((((((Indigo)))))) Thank you for your words of encouragement. I couldn't make it without you wonderful gals here at SR. This place is a true gift and a blessing for me.
Both kids are off to school this morning. They are going back to public school. My son isn't nervous a bit, but my daughter is a bit anxious, happy also, but a bit apprehensive. She has such a huge and caring nature about her she tends to get used and picked on by girls. I bought her a necklace that I surprised her with this morning...one side has a cross...the other side says 'fear not'. I told her if she gets scared or nervous to place her fingers on the pendent and remember this hug I am giving her.
Hope all have a good day...I have some time alone so will be doing alot of thinking and sorting things through. (((Hugs))) to all!
Both kids are off to school this morning. They are going back to public school. My son isn't nervous a bit, but my daughter is a bit anxious, happy also, but a bit apprehensive. She has such a huge and caring nature about her she tends to get used and picked on by girls. I bought her a necklace that I surprised her with this morning...one side has a cross...the other side says 'fear not'. I told her if she gets scared or nervous to place her fingers on the pendent and remember this hug I am giving her.
Hope all have a good day...I have some time alone so will be doing alot of thinking and sorting things through. (((Hugs))) to all!
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