Kaily

I can feel it coming, creeping upon me as it has before. I am hanging on searching for light and unfound joy before darkness closes in on me. I am fearsome, alone and joyless.

I can feel it coming and I have nowhere to run...

Dee74

I'm sorry you feel that Kaily.

I hope it helps a little to know that you don't have to face anything alone - you have an immense number of friends here

Together we can turn and face the light

D

Astro

On Thanksgiving Day I was thinking back to a conversation I had with another person in recovery about how dark the holidays were going to be now that I was sober, and he responded that if I chose to I'd never have to be alone again, I could surround myself with fellowship. He was right, I've never spent a holiday alone and my days are filled with the brightness of friendships.

I'm glad you posted this Kaily, there's enough light for all of us, plenty to go around.

biminiblue

Just don't pick up a drink.

This will get better if you keep looking for solutions. Hang on, Kaily.

PhoenixJ

My prayers and support to you, Kaily.

wildflower70

I'm also sorry that you're feeling so low. I can tell by your past posts that you are a kind, loving person. We are here, listening and ready to offer support. I have used SR as a lifeline myself, it's gotten me through some pretty dark times. Blessing to you Kaily, this too shall pass.

badgerden

I am here Kaily, I understand the darkness, it envelopes me sometimes and I think I will never find my way out. I just keep walking even when I think I cannot walk further. Post here or where ever you feel comfortable msg me if you would like. You are not alone.

Lori

Kaily

Thanks everyone. It will be good to have this thread to express my feelings.

I feel bleak. I can feel a depression closing in on me. I won't drink. I walk everyday, I keep trying to do the right things but nothing improves. Life is tough and lonely. There is no joy.

Sometimes I feel I am going mad in my isolation. I ask myself questions that I can't answer. Round and round in my head. No outlet so never ending.

Zevin

Ask us the questions, Kaily....maybe we can help you find some answers or at least be an outlet for you.

This depression WILL END.

Dee74

Apart from drinking, of course, which doesn't actually work - do you have any strategies to stop the depression closing in Kaily?

I think it's important to remember that, just like addiction, we're not a passive partner in depression - we can fight it - we don't have to let it roll over us.

Exercise helps me - being of use to others helps me, not isolating helps me.
Funny/favourite movies records and books help too.

https://www.helpguide.org/articles/d...depression.htm

D

biminiblue

Yeah, Kaily I have to agree with Dee. Depression is a thinking problem.

I used to be chronically depressed. I did a lot of research about it and read books and got out of it, mostly. I can tend to lean toward the melancholy and like you I have quite a lot of past trauma but I don't let my thoughts go there. I can't. I won't. As long as I stay busy and make sure to get out around people it is manageable.

I always feel better when I am actively looking for things to make it better instead of letting it win. That undercurrent of sadness can take over and suck me under if I let it. I cannot let the thoughts take hold. Yes, like drinking thoughts they do come unbidden but I don't have to invite them to spend the night! I do have control over what I allow to occupy my mind. The more I show them out, the easier it gets, and the less likely I am to engage in the habit of worry and regret. Mindfulness is a wonderful thing.

Have you thought about a volunteer position? Either at an animal shelter or maybe a veterinarian or farm? I've volunteered at public and private animal rescues and a farm, there are a ton of them and even vets need some part time volunteers. How about a food bank or a hospice or hospital? A school? In my area the zoo has over 800 volunteers. I'm sure there are lists of volunteer opportunities in London and I think your talents would be very appreciated. It's a great thing to volunteer.

Kaily

I do what I can to help others. If I felt well enough to work that is what I would be doing. At the moment it is a struggle even to walk my dogs on bad days.

I truly wish I could think myself better, when it is just the doldrums I usually can. But this is depression. Everything feels dark, nothing makes me smile or laugh.

Nightmares when I sleep and anxiety when awake. The world feels big and scary and I am all alone.

Dr has increased my medication. Hopefully it will help.

Zevin

I'm glad to read you have asked your Dr. for help. We are fortunate to have medicine that can soothe our brains. I pray it will help quickly and this depression lifts soon.

PhoenixJ

That is what I call my lifelong major depression Kaily- the Darkness. Unpredictable, unwanted and exhausting. Posting on SR helps- but for me, antidepressants were a game changer. Plus seeing a psychologist and learning how to function with everyday life- by using CBT, then ACT stuff (both very useful).

Continued support and prayers to you.

Kaily

Thanks everyone.

Yes PJ I have always suffered with it too, that and other issues. And it truly is a darkness when it comes. I am glad you are doing well and have support systems in place. I am still pushing to see a Psychologist other than in a group setting which makes me very uncomfortable. I find I take on everyone's problems as well as my own and actuallyfeel them. I leave worse than I arrived. Now I have found myself unable to attend because of the triggers.

Another day to plough through the treacle of my mind.

PhoenixJ

I am the same in group sessions, as is a friend of mine. The psychologist in the Burns Unit- after I was going crazy over feeling worse for doing stuff or even getting positive feedback- said it was because my brain was full of so much self negativity- I could not process any information. Journaling helps, as does art and exercise (sometimes just a distraction, as the Darkness is patient, but we do what we can).

Emmalyn

Hi Kaily,

I completely get where you are right now, was pretty low myself just a few days ago and cursing the chemistry of my brain.

I attended group therapy. I am not kidding when I tell you I felt everyone's pain, including my own. I cried through most sessions... therapist actually got short with me and asked me why I was always crying. For goodness sake I was in an outpatient program for depression..

So now that is out there, what helped me during group therapy was to stop internalizing what other people were feeling. I would view them and their stories not from an empathetic place but from a place of analysis.

This helped me with some distance, much like a doctor with a patient, I suppose.

God bless, pm me if you need to talk.

E

Kaily

It is interesting that others have had the same experience in group therapy situations. Thanks so much for sharing and the kindness.

Phoenix self negativity I can relate to 100%.

Emmalyn I did try not to empathise with the others, I even considered wearing earplugs so I couldn't hear anything (stupid idea) but within a few minutes I would be involved. I also do my utmost not to cry especially so in public so I internalised it all. I had a nightmare that I was sat in the group last night and I haven't actually attended for the last 4 weeks.

Emmalyn

Hi Kaily -

I actually wore earplugs the other day while accompanying my parents (in their car) to a doctor's appointment. My dad is politically the opposite of me, and plays conservative talk radio in the car, I can barely stand it. He generally ignores my requests to "turn it down" so I just wore earplugs. It is a real bone of contention between us, but as he is 80 we've agreed to disagree. So the passive aggressive battle continues. Sigh.

I've been trying to track, via spreadsheet, when my depression worsens and what was happening on that day, what I ate, how much I slept, if I exercised, etc.

Not enough data yet to make any assumptions, but it seems to be worse on the days I attempt to "stuff" down my emotions or "pull myself up by my bootstraps". It also worsens when I have any sort of contact with my ex boyfriend.. another story.

So if it makes me worse to stuff my emotions then I guess I have to find a healthier outlet for them. Right now it's exercise but I don't think there is enough pavement on the planet for me to run all the devils away.

Hope you are doing well,

E

Astro

I think this is wonderful Emmalyn, wear out as many pairs of shoes necessary if it lifts you up! How about throwing something new into your mix like a climbing gym?