leanabeana

I'm on day 85 sober and day 7 of severe depression. I can barely function. I'm bipolar so this happens, but somehow I thought the ups and downs would be less severe in sobriety. At least that's what I've been told.

I'm having a really hard time holding on to my reasons for staying sober. I'm fantasizing about drinking more than ever and I've also been thinking about death a lot (no active suicide plan).

I feel very disillusioned with the promises of sobriety. I know it's not easy and I'm still early in the journey, but I really haven't seen a single tangible benefit to it.

I read how well other people are doing since they got sober and I think this is just another way that I'm defective.

andyh

I don't really know much about bipolar, but I'm sorry you're having a rough time of it. well done for hanging in there for as long as you have & for reaching out to SR.

is there anyone you can reach out to - a friend or family member to be with you whilst you're feeling like this? or a Doctor, if you think that would help?

AlwaysGrowing

I would certainly get your blood levels checked out. The lack of B12 is very common.

biminiblue

Leana, there are lots of coping tools available to you online - this forum is just one.

I know for me a lot of what might be called mental health issues (and I've gotten a myriad of diagnoses over the years) went away with continuous sobriety. Not 85 days though. It was more like ten months to a year for me.

Do you have some good days? I found some days were better than others, but that's true of anyone.

I decided to do whatever I could to support my physical, spiritual and emotional recovery. Keep seeking.

I had to change the way I thought, and what I spent time on in my head.

Are you watching your sugar and caffeine intake? Good nutrition makes a difference for me. Are you exercising?

I also agree with the other posters, have you gotten blood work done lately? It could be a deficiency of some type.

leanabeana

Thanks AlwaysGrowing and Blue. I'm sure I have a deficiency of some sort. I will ask my Dr. if I can get tested.

I had some good days around 40 days in but it's all been downhill since then.

I haven't been taking great care of myself so part of it is my fault. I just find the more depressed I get the harder it is to eat right and exercise.

biminiblue

How about you put on some shoes and take a 10 minute walk? I guarantee it will help. You can do 10 minutes, right?

leanabeana

Just came back from a walk. It helped a tiny bit but mostly I was annoyed by people. I'm sure if I walked in nature it would have been better but I'm in downtown Oakland...

leanabeana

I was supposed to hang out with a friend tonight but I flaked. I'm terrible company when I'm like this.

I went to an AA meeting today and I really didn't feel like I belonged there. I started to dissociate during the meeting because that happens when i'm really really depressed. Dissociation and depersonalization.

Dee74

I second the advice to get some help Lena - like I said to someone else today we're actually not meant to suffer day in day out.

D

Astro

Leana, one of the best "healing" walks I took was the first one as a sober person, I went to a school and walked laps around the track in the pouring rain. 12 years later I still remember how good that felt. Nothing is a replacement for professional help though, working with a wellness doctor was one of the better decisions I made.

leanabeana

Thanks Dee and Astro. Luckily I see my psychiatrist on Tuesday. My therapist has been out of town and our next appointment is on Nov. 6.

I just wish I had a reset button for my brain when I get like this.

Anna

I'm glad that you are seeing your psychiatrist soon, Leana. Hopefully he can offer a change in medication or some helpful advice. I'm sorry that you're struggling.

leanabeana

Thanks Anna. I feel like the depression is starting to lift a bit. It started on October 19 and my episodes usually last 10-14 days so it's about time to be over. It's still problematic that I have these episodes when I'm so medicated, so maybe my doc will have some ideas about how to better prevent them. I also made an appointment with the local low-cost therapy clinic since my therapist is out of town.

I guess what is bothering me is that I thought I would be more stable off of alcohol.

MindfulMan

I also have bipolar disorder. I feel ya. Medication is somewhat different than for unipolar depression, and it took a long time to us to get the cocktail right.

Please check in after you see the PDOC.

Oct2016

I know how you feel. And I’ve been off alcohol a little over a year. 398 days! I thought things would magically be better. I haven’t embarrassed myself so I guess that’s a plus. And I have kids so it’s in their best interest that I don’t drink. But depression sucks!

leanabeana

I saw my pdoc on Tuesday and he didn't make any changes to my meds. Not sure how I feel about that, but he must have his reasons.

Time changed today and I'm worried about how it will affect my mood. I plan to be extra vigilant to how I'm feeling in the next two weeks because I've historically dipped really far into depression after the time change. However, I usually only have 2 or 3 really bad depressive episodes a year so maybe I already got my fall episode out of the way.

Next time I see my doctor I might talk to him about adding Lamictal. I'm not sure what else to try.

SeaOfSerenity

1. speak to a doctor about how you are feeling. speak to a therapist if you aren't already about challenge thoughts

2. you aren't sober long enough as yet to really know what sober is. you are transitioning and feeling everything that your brain and body can possibly do to make you drink again. looking back if I could give advice to myself when I was at your stage when I felt exactly the same, it would be 'write of a year, get through a year of no drink. focus on not drinking and getting through how bad it is dealing with life without running to it.'

again speak to your doctor, youre using booze as medicine. there are far better medicines out there if indeed you have a mental health issue

Crystalis

I also have bipolar. It is SOOo difficult with a dual diagnosis. I'm early in recovery as well and feel as you do. I'm telling myself that this too shall pass. Your therapist may want to see how you do with the same meds but wuth you sober. When we are in active addiction our chemistry is different.If nothing improves, maybe remind him that our brains are not releasing the same high levels of dopamine that it was in active addiction since alcohol/drugs release dopamine. You are not alone in this. Not that we're special or unique but it literally is much more difficult to remain clean with a mental illness than without it. Our brains work differently than those without bipolar so our bad days are much worse than those without bipolar on their bad days. The only way we can start to learn how to live with this painful illness is to stop self medicating and find ways to cope while remaining clean...if not we're just making our bad days worse and that can easily turn deadly. Please feel free to reach out to me. I understand more than anyone without it can. I could use a friend who has bipolar and is also in early recovery just as much as you. ❤

leanabeana

Thanks Crystalis and SeaofSerenity. I'm okay with keeping my meds the same for now. I certainly don't want to add anything because my liver is already really taxed. My enzymes keep rising and now my GP wants to do a bunch of additional liver tests. So, if anything, I would be decreasing my meds to see if that helps take some burden off of my liver. My case is complicated by a combination of physical and mental health issues along with addiction.

I can definitely use a friend who understands what it's like to be bipolar! I hate the unpredictability of it. Makes functioning in this world so much harder not knowing when you are going to dip into depression or peak into mania (in my case hypomania because I have bipolar type 2). I do believe that having a mental illness makes recovery a lot harder. That's why Bill has a disclaimer about it in the "How it Works" chapter of the Big Book.

SoberCAH

Thanks for keeping us posted, Leana.

We not only understand - we also care about you very much.