leanabeana

Thanks SoberCAH. That's very nice to hear. I care about you all very much as well.

GotTheBlues

Yep. I know that feeling.

I'm very sorry to hear that you are struggling. Mental illness is awful. I was also very optimistic that quitting alcohol would solve all my long (10+years?) sorry history of depression.

I managed 8 months before relapse, and even though I did feel a lot better than when actively drinking, I never really felt "normal." Still foggy and rather listless and (often) very irrational and badly moody.

Now I am three weeks sober and trying to build on that 8 months, now with the knowledge that just not drinking isn't enough. I've got to add in a lot of other pieces too, mostly diet and exercise (not easy if you are depressed).

To me the #1 tangible benefit to sobriety is not being hungover all the time. From my relapse I can tell you that there are certainly no tangible benefits to giving up... Just more self-loathing and physical pain.

I wish you well. Keep going.

leanabeana

Thanks GotTheBlues. The thing is, I wasn't hungover all the time. I rarely had significant hangovers for whatever reason. I averaged about half a bottle of wine a day so it wasn't as much as most alcoholics, but I still needed to stop. My liver is in bad shape since I take a lot of meds for bipolar. So, I'm here trying to hold on to why I need to stay sober. My liver is one major one.

Do you think you felt bad in your 8 mo stint because you had PAWS?

Dee74

Some of the benefits of recovery were not immediately apparent - but they became so more and more as time went on.

Keep moving forward guys - it's definitely the right direction

D

NClarke2017

Best of luck to you. When you have especially tough days please reach out to us in this forum, we will be here.

GotTheBlues

That's a tough question. I think there can be a temptation to make everything recovery-related when you are relatively new to recovery, and blame alcohol for lots of things that may or may not be alcohol-related. Who knows if the alcohol was driving the depression? Or if the depression was driving the alcoholism? Both probably!

I've done quite a lot of reading on PAWS and it does seem plausible to me that the brain would take a long time to readjust to sobriety. I drank heavily for 20 years, so its likely things are out of whack. I think i was very naive about how deeply alcohol was affecting me.

Anyway, I do hope you are feeling better!

NYCDoglvr

Thanks for your post, I admire your courage and recovery. I'm sober 26 years and have been in treatment for depression the entire time. Early recovery (the first six months) is typically hard: I described it as being like 24/7 PMS in a full moon. But you will feel better as time goes on. It's all a process but recovery works. You can have a life beyond your wildest dreams. A big hug.

Wolf_22

I would think that one benefit of sobriety boils down to seeing (and feeling) the real world and learning how to accept it for what it is, albeit both its good and bad sides. I know it's easier said than done but it sounds like you're in the stages of experiencing this journey. Be proud of yourself for doing it because this isn't something anyone should ever scoff at. To the chagrin of any naive person, actually living life to its fullest is never an easy thing to do especially when you're mature enough to realize that it's a journey and not a destination.

This is just my own observation but what's interesting about your situation to me is that it seems as if your addiction is merely a symptom of something greater that manifests a byproduct of escapism, which is mainly a defense system used to avoid situations we sometimes lack instructions for. When you're in one of those times where you're not sure about something, the person inside us gets worried and sometimes panics. Too much of this and we wind up doing things we shouldn't because we'll do whatever it takes to take the pain away, especially if we lack instructions on how to deal with the situations responsible for this sort of reaction.

Take the walk you went on as an example: One of the first things you mentioned is that you would've enjoyed it more were it not for the annoying people. Rest assured, I completely understand that feeling! Where I live I can't throw a rock in any direction without hitting the heads of about 20+ people I'd prefer to never see again...but dark humor aside, have you ever tried to explore what it was about them or the situations like this that made / make you feel that / this way? We all know we can't change people, right? So taking this fact into account (this exploration or analysis of your emotional interpretation), it's possible that you could teach yourself how to deal with those situations by first isolating the trigger(s) and then defining the standard operating procedures required for handling the respective circumstances that left you feeling annoyed (and in other circumstances the other emotions you may have felt that contribute to the rocky situations you may have had). If you can train yourself to do this, taking it each day a little at a time, it might make your sobriety easier to deal with as at that point, you'd be attacking the real culprit of your desire for the alcohol (way out).

In any event, I hope something I said in all that helps. Just hang in there and take it a day at a time.

SoberCAH

Thanks for sharing that, NYC.

I suffered in vain for the first 11 years of my sobriety and i have been successfully treated for depression and GAD ever since.

Wish i hadn't suffered needlessly for 11 years.

leanabeana

Thanks Wolf and SoberCAH. Right now I'm dealing with pretty bad liver issues so that's my main motivation for staying sober. The depression is manageable at this point but it's pretty much always with me.

Wolf_22

Just be easy on yourself and keep looking forward. Do yourself a favor and get into a habit of arranging things with people you enjoy being around who bring you up and practice a healthy lifestyle. Don't forget to get exercise, too. In fact, as long as your health allows it, I'd go as far as to advise you to get a membership to a gym if possible. You'll get exercise, which will help your brain's chemistry, and if the moons align, you might meet some new people to form friendships with. Win-win.

Wishing you only the best.

leanabeana

Thanks Wolf. Exercise has taken a huge hit since I've been sick with liver problems. Feeling a bit better today so I will go for a long walk. I need to ease back in before doing more intense exercise.

I've been isolating a lot lately since being ill and I'm also afraid of dissociating because that's been happening more. A lot of my friends are out of town or busy with the holidays but I will try to connect with them next week.

wagster

Hi Leana. Just checking you're ok. One thing I've learned about recovery is that it doesn't solve all problems. All of my problems were still there when I stopped drinking. I just had one problem less. At least I can now see my problems a little more clearly. Bipolar sounds horrible but you seem to have a good handle on where you are with it. The crucial thing from my point of view is that you understand that you are having a temporary period caused by a disease rather than simply failing at recovery. This is good. It took me a long time to understand that bad times were a part of my life and that I had to accept that and make the best decisions I could under the circumstances.

In my experience, quitting drinking doesn't improve life, which can be disheartening. However drinking almost invariably makes life worse.

I hope Christmas and New Years weren't too rough on you. Take care. James.

leanabeana

Hi wagster. Thanks for your post. I'm doing a lot better since I posted this. I agree that drinking makes everything worse. I think I still have time to see some positive changes.

I'm 5 months sober today so that's something.

Wolf_22

That's not just "something." That's awesome.

Give yourself a pat on the back!

leanabeana

Thanks! I have mixed feelings about it because I take Vicodin on and off for Rheumatoid Arthritis pain (prescribed) and some would not consider me sober due to that.

MindfulMan

If you're not drug seeking and take as prescribed I don't consider it un-sober.

Particularly the "on-and-off" part.

Astro

Agreed, if you are taking it as prescribed I consider it a part of your recovery. Well done on 5 months!

leanabeana

Thanks MindfulMan and Astro. That helps to hear. I try not to prescribe to the purist way of thinking but it's hard sometimes when that's the group thinking in meetings. It's different online.

icoi87

Hi Leana! I can really relate. I take an antidepressant and (very seldom) take an anti anxiety. Some people don’t consider that sober. If we are honest with ourselves and our doctors and we have honest intentions, I see no problem with medication taken as prescribed.

I’m glad you are feeling better.