Whyme2012

Correction to the post above - he was not spending $1,000 a month - he spent $1,000 a WEEK!! This while on medical leave an threatening to quit his job - which he did last week.

Whyme2012

People say I enable - but if I were not there many times and taking him to the hospital when his blood pressure went to 200/100, he might have died.

If I didn't try to save him, he would have lost his job and our only source of income and our health insurance. So I had to help him so the bills would be paid. He brags to his family how much money he makes and has. They are impressed. Yet they accuse me of enabling him as if it is my fault that he can't get well. Very upsetting. It is bad enough I go through what I do without them putting blame for the state their son/brother is in!

:-(((( So that is why I call myself "Whyme". Why do I have to have this life......

LNC15

Interesting. Enabling and placing blame.
I went out with a woman for 2.5 years. She is bipolar.
It sounds like "they" are enabling him, by being so impressed with the money.
I am unsure how in the world you are handling this. I found it very difficult and eventually had to break up with her. Her behaviors became just to much for me to handle and even after reading about bipolar and talking to people familiar with it, I could not deal with the abusive behavior. It's sad. I did love her very much and am still sore about the whole deal. I had hoped we could remain friends, but it has become even worse, so bad I can not even talk to her.
I do hope things go well for you

Ruth2920

Whyme2012. Your post brought tears to my eyes. I am so sorry you are going through this and I truly hope you can find the courage to do what is best for YOU! Just to update you, this past weekend, my third weekend being out of the house, he decided to spend his time drinking with his buddies.

He harassed me from 5pm Saturday night to 1am sunday...with texts and emails that ranged from "i love you" to "you are worthless and I am going to ruin you." I have not once responded to these. I finally called his family and let them know that they should be concerned for him b/c he is drinking and driving and I don't want to them to be in the dark as to how bad it is. They are good people and I hope that they take this seriously.

I have 100% decided that I am leaving. Last night he sent my parents nude photographs of me. He posted a picture of me Facebook passed out in a cab (from the ONE Time I actually drank too much) and is threatening to post nude pictures of me. THey aren't that bad so I am not that upset and I am fortunate in that my bosses at work are aware of the situation and know that if he sends them anything that he is basically unhinged.

I am just so sad, because I do love him, but Whyme2012 you are right...he is beating the love out of me. I have blocked him from all forms of communication and if he wants to deal with things he has to go through my mother.

All I want is for him to be happy and get the proper treatment. I tried, I did. But my health and work began to suffer. I am only 32, we have no kids and I am strong enough to get through this. He says I am abandoning him, and yes maybe I am. The way I see it is that we were at a cliff. He was falling over and I had a choice, hold out my hand and fall with him or not help him and stay alive. Either choice sucks. But I chose to live. Whyme2012, I hope you do to. Don't be so hard on yourself...it is hard not to enable when you are with someone who is so volatile. It is just easier to put up with them than fight them. If he had taken his illness and drinking seriously I would have stuck it out, but me leaving him is NOT enough. It is sad. But I am accepting it and trying to move forward.

LNC15

Wow, that is so cold of him. My ex girlfriend has done things to me that were nuts too! So I totally understand what you are going through (in a way, our situations are different, yet the feelings are the same).
Stay strong!

Isaiah5914

hi goodheart,... I think both.....i am ridiculously bipolar and a former alcoholic. I did use alcohol to stable my mood "but" the only problem was the alcohol would pick the assh**e me. And when i was sober i was all over the place. So, i wanted to drink. (what a mess) i have to say; not drinking was the best way to help fix it.

Alex1776

Alcoholism, I like that word "possession" cause that's what its like.

True bipolar is actually very rare and was called manic depression before it was renamed and redefined in a way to sell as many pills as possible for the shareholders of big pharma companies and buy lots of private jets for the CEOs.

I was given this label during my drinking days and again when my post acute withdrawal reactions were labeled "symptoms of bipolar" by an incompetent doctor who threw pills at anyone who crossed his path. Those guys are a dime a dozen out there.

"Possession" Ya, alcohol was not called "spirits" by accident.

goodheartangel

Hi Everyone... It's been a while... So much has been going on I don't even know where to begin.. I do know however I have to get this all out and this is the best avenue to do just that.. So here goes..

Hi Isaiah5914... Thank you so much for your comments. My SOP of 8 years and myself are currently involved with the courts. I'll get into that in a moment.. I would like to ask.. What helped you to seek out, and it sounds like, achieve making a new life for yourself? My SOP's current battle cry is "I'm so sick and tired or being sick and tired".. I truly feel he has had enough, but I also realize I can't do anything about him taking the steps to a new life for himself and us.. I know he is becoming serious because he is worried about / saying things like "what if you don't like / love the sober me" "I don't know who I will be when I am sober" (he has been drinking since his teens, he is now 50 For some that is a lifetime...) I realize this is really the only "life" he has ever known. He was recently (again) diagnosed with bipolar.. He was previously diagnosed with bipolar several years before we met.

side note: Another nagging question that keeps coming to mind is one of those which came first questions the chicken or the egg... bipolar or drinking OR does drinking mimic and bring out the symptoms of bipolar?? Are they even two separate disorders?? Alex1776 you seem to have touched on the notion they may even be one in the same.. Just a slight correction in your comment, I hope you don't mind.. "evil spirits". I have never seen anything good come out of alcohol taking over a living human beings life. In another lifetime I may have the time to read MORE books and research the answer...

On 5/24 while coming home between jobs to care for our dogs, I was surprised to see him and another man sitting on my front porch. (My SOP as been on the streets for a couple months now.. I just needed a break from the abusive language and hurtful comments.. They were cutting too deep.. During this time he has been able to survive on the streets and we have seen each other on several occasions. The distance and soul searching has been beneficial for both of us.)

While getting out of the car I was asked if they could both sleep in the garage because of the cold night ahead. He always does this to me.. sets me up for failure.. puts me under pressure to make an instant decision.. Hoping I will give in and he gets what he wants.. I did good this time.. I held tight.. Walked the dogs and heading back out to my second job of the day. Staying focused on the positives of life..

About 9:30 that evening, while at work, the phone rang.. It was our local police calling to say that a neighbor saw someone breaking into my home and they were called. My supervisor on duty at the time would not allow me to leave and he proceeded to clock out, collect his things and leave. By the time I was able to get to the police station it was going on 1:30am. The arrests were made, the paperwork was all filled out and the officer was awaiting my signature.. With the promise of the courts getting my SOP the "help" he needs I signed the complaint for criminal trespassing..

Where do I go from here... 6/21 was our court date... Sitting in a room, with a whirlwind of people scurrying about, playing a game they only knew the rules too, I was approached several times to make LIFE CHANGING (his, mine and ours) DECISIONS... We arrived at court together, were sitting together, until they separated us into each of our own corners of the ring.. The case was scheduled for trial in July.. When the court room proceedings came to an end and the room emptied.. I spent some time with the states attorney. I felt like I was going through a crash course on all kinds of legalities... When I exited the courtroom he was gone... Neither I nor the other man that was arrested with him have been able to locate him.. He is in the streets somewhere, hiding, scared, angry, confused, untrusting of me, planning an escape or planning on seeking out help.. I pray it is the latter.. Which is...

The BIG REASON for my time with everyone this evening... I am seeking out guidance, advice, insights, share your story, even admonishment if that's what you are feeling.. Through this forum and all the life experience it brings I know my answers will come.. Just a tidbit here and there will put the massive / confusing life changing puzzle together for us... I HAVE THE FAITH THE ANSWERS WILL COME... Many of you have gotten us this far with the assistance of divine guidance and the time you take to share...

Thank you so much for being there.. I truly appreciate each and every one of you... Stay safe and keep loving each other.. Sometimes that's all we have that IS REAL..

EndGameNYC

The Problem With How We Treat Bipolar Disorder

http://www.nytimes.com/2013/04/28/ma...nted=all&_r=1&

Whyme2012

So husband, as always - snapped out of the bipolar drinking phase. Just like that. He went from going to bars all day long to going just a few times a weeks for a short period of time. He is doing tons of work around the house. He makes gourmet dinners everynight and brings them to me on a plate so decorated it looks like I'm a restaurant. Not only is he not blowing money, he is watching every penny and looking for ways to cut costs.

The bad part - he still has outbursts. He is very one-sided about issues. "Why can't you pick up that glue that has been on the counter two days". When I pointed out that he has a crate full of papers in the kitchen for the last 5 days, he starts screaming and cursing at me. Just had another one of those explosions because he wants me to cut the housekeeper and I asked him to cut the HBO and his sports channel. His screaming was so intense that I had to get away. I got up to pick up the phone and I can sense my shoulders were slumping. I feel so beat up. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him.

I can't imagine living the rest of my life this way. I think he deserved to rot in Gwantonmo Bay with the terrorist because he terrorizes me every day.

Whyme2012

This is why I share my story...the raw horrible truth about living with a bipolar alcoholic...for those people who are in a relationship with someone with this condition that thinks they have a chance together.

Alex1776

Let me end the confusion , Psychiatry’s diagnostic criteria are literally voted into existence and inserted into the American Psychiatric Association’s Diagnostic and Statistical Manual for Mental Disorders (DSM). What is voted in is a system of classification of symptoms that is drastically different from, and foreign to, anything in medicine. None of the diagnoses including bipolar are supported by objective evidence of physical disease, illness or "sickness" none of them can be found on any test known to medical science.

They put that bipolar label on me and I always rejected it , little did I know that denile of bipolar is a symptom of bipolar ! but when I quit drinking , minus the slips I have had , but even with them all the "bipolar" went away, I haven't punched a hole in the wall or any other manic stuff since the daily drinking stopped. I haven't felt so bad I just wanted to die since the daily drinking stopped.

I was accused of bipolar again when I first quit the drinking, I was feeling so good I was up in the clouds and not sleeping much and being "hypo manic" and again !! offered pills to make me feel "hypo zombie" , been there done that. The withdrawal reactions from that zombie med included a trip to hell through the gates of endless insomnia and anxiety attacks. There was some vomiting too when that extra hunger from the pills rebounded upon quitting.

There are no lab tests that can verify bipolar is a physical condition. This is not to say that people do not get depressed, or that people can’t experience emotional or mental duress, but psychiatry has repackaged these emotions and behaviors as "disease" in order to sell drugs.

If anyone does not like the way they feel and wants to take psych meds that's great but they are not like "insulin for diabetes" like the marketers of this stuff would like you to believe.

Do you get it ?

friday13

I had bipolar before I had a drink problem so I would say the bipolar had "possession" of me first (although I would say the bipolar was part of me and therefore couldn't really possess me). I'm not sure I would have developed a drinking problem if it wasn't for the bipolar as I used it to regulate my moods (not particularly successfully) for a long time before I actually became dependent. I also used self harm and anorexia to control my moods and consider my eating disorder an offshoot of the bipolar.

Once the drinking took over my life it also destroyed any hope of me controlling the bipolar at all. Now I'm sober I still have to work hard to try get some sense of a normal, functional life but I am now able to take my medication regularly and go to therapy. I see the moods for what they are most of the time. I am able to know that the depression will eventually end and I can see the warning signs of mania. That wasn't possible when I was drinking.

Isaiah5914

What helped you to seek out, and it sounds like, achieve making a new life for yourself? -Goodheart


Hi goodheart!, it was a huge combo of things... drinking went from night to, night and day. then all day... on top of an oxy and methadon addiction. on top of adderall and Xanax (all from my docs.) ...on top of all of the mood stabilizers from the shrink. when I put it all together it "made me crazy". Another thing is, no doctor said "don't drink on these meds." (not that it would have made a deference) I come from generations of alcoholics. BUT, I don't look at that as an excuse. the tipping point on ALL of it was; the woman I wanted to marry left, I lost my job, I got in trouble with the law, was mad and crazy all the time. I had E-NUFF! so I just started cutting things out. and I have to say feel 100% better!!!! I Have been unable to cut out the Xanax completely cuz I "really" have "BAD" anx. and my ADD is awful so I need the adderall. but I've cut all of it down so much!! I'm still bipolar but for some reason it's more manageable (I guess)... if that makes seance. I think it was made worse by all of the things I was doing

Isaiah5914

Hi Endgame,
I read that n.y times link...it was real good "Thankyou!!"
-I

EndGameNYC

You're very welcome. I'm glad you got something out of it.

A heartbreaking and genuine account for someone who's "been there."

helltoraise

My alcoholic ex who also is bipolar came back recently. He found me at my job. Proclaimed his love to me and apologized for being a coward. We talked after I got off work. He claimed he hasn't been drinking in 3 weeks. He still smokes pot and at some point in the last month did mushrooms. He said he was ready to try again. He said he would even go to therapy. He kept saying I was his best friend. He told me he was crying to his parents and his mom told him how good we are together. I said we could take things slowly, but he would have to be committed to his health. I also asked if he was sure he wasn't being impulsive. I also should mention he takes lamitcal. (sp?) He said no he didn't feel impulsive, but clear headed. We parted ways. Within 48 hours (and I never saw him again) he cut me out of his life. He said he was just feeling emotional and he was toxic for me.

I am angry and hurt. This was/is a very painful break up. In part because we really did get along very well. We truly were best friends. He left somewhat abruptly and then ran hot/cold for 5 months. I finally had to go no contact. Every time he has reached out to me. Why? I don't understand. Does he hate me so much he likes to try to jerk me around? Why waste your time? I don't understand. Sometimes I believe he loves me, but I don't know....it sucks....I have no real closure. It really undermines my self esteem.

EndGameNYC

Some people with severe psychopathology have no other way of communicating their suffering to other people beyond (usually unconsciously) forcing them to feel what they feel. This process rarely ends well.

In the meantime -- and unless/until he gets himself together -- you have an excellent opportunity to make a better life for yourself without him.

Whyme2012

I think it is happening again. Husband has been normal for a few weeks. He stopped the "bipolar" behavior and cut back on drinking. I noticed recently he picked up the drinking a little in that he took a can a beer to the bedroom to go to bed. He smoked pot a couple times even though he has a possible interview coming up.

When he gets like this he starts getting "mushy" about us. It always starts out the same way. In the past I have called his attention to it and it helps him with awareness and he avoids sinking. The last time I tried to tell him, but he didn't listen. There was an dinner meeting he was suppose to go on for a job he really wants and it got cancelled. He acted like it was no big deal, but I think he is upset about it. The last time he sank into this abyss he got passed over for a job he really wanted. Now I am worried if he doesn't get this job we will go into a real hell again. In fact he looks like he is might be headed there. If I don't stop it, by next week I am going to be living that scary life again with him draining our account.

I guess how I act now could make the difference between whether the next few weeks turns into a living hell or not. I just don't know how to be. I am so anxious and scared. How can I say the right things when I am scared myself? I don't want to go back to that scary place. It takes such a toll on me and I was finally getting my stride back. Starting to take interest in myself and my appearance.

For those who asked which comes first...from my husband I think that the bipolar comes first. But in most cases there is usually a slight or strong uptick in how much he drinks. I think that alcohol drinking will increase the likelihood of it re-occuring, but not drinking alone does not mean that that "feeling" won't come back. Right now when it happens, he self medicates with alcohol. The combo of the bipolar and alcohol make a very dangerous combination.

My husband is cycling into these depressive states so often that I worry he will never have a normal life. Sometimes I am afraid he will end up killing himself either by being in an accident or because of the stress he puts on his body. And I can do nothing to stop it.

EndGameNYC

When people who are taking medications for bipolar depression drink heavily (for virtually any psychiatric condition), the meds are severely compromised and/or are unable to do the job. Some psych meds can become dangerous, even lethal, when mixed with alcohol.

Children and spouses of alcoholics typically suffer through the type of madness you describe -- being vigilant to signs of behavioral and emotional disruptions and other changes; being obsessed with figuring out the "right thing to say;" keeping the family secret/covering for the alcoholic relative; accepting blame and feeling guilt around the relative's escalating volatility and related problems; spending a great deal of time trying to please the alcoholic in the service of avoiding continuing abuse from him; tending to the alcoholic's physical and emotional needs lest he die, thus leaving the child/spouse to fend for himself when doing so is believed to be impossible; and much more. Many children and spouses who find themselves in this predicament typically minimize the chaos, abuse and trauma during each interval of relative sanity, telling themselves things along the lines of them having "overreacted" and such.

I won't address your comments about others accusing you of enabling your husband. If that's the case, you will eventually land there. What seems clear is that you've been unable to do very much to take care of yourself in this relationship beyond maintaining a schitty status quo.

Each one of us is born with a death sentence. Do you really want to die by tending to your husband's insanity?

Get counseling. Google "CRAFT," a set of tools that enables family members, usually the spouse, to protect themselves and help persuade the alcoholic to seek professional help. Continuing to do what you've been doing will only make matters worse, while further eroding your own physical and mental health. That's a guarantee, a rare commodity in my business.