bipolar alcoholic
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 17
I saw my SOP last night for the first time in a while.. I spent some time with him on his turf.. Where he is "living" under a bush that he calls his "tree house".. Our time together was good and peaceful. Just a few hours ago I ran into him heading towards each other coming from opposite directions.. typical of our 8 yrs together.. We sat in the middle that sidewalk talking for quite a while.. Until.. In an instant the switch flipped.. bp took over, his anger rose, he got up, grabbed his things, and walked away leaving a few choice words behind..
I have for a long time been against technology, txting, computers, and the like.. because I feel it very much takes the emotional / feeling part out of a conversation.. However, since becoming a part of this avenue of sharing and caring, although in my life for only a short while, has made a world of difference. I now have "someone" to talk to that is always there to listen.. Please keep us in your prayers this coming week..
I have for a long time been against technology, txting, computers, and the like.. because I feel it very much takes the emotional / feeling part out of a conversation.. However, since becoming a part of this avenue of sharing and caring, although in my life for only a short while, has made a world of difference. I now have "someone" to talk to that is always there to listen.. Please keep us in your prayers this coming week..
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 47
Whyme2012 and goodheartangel- I am part of another support group. Bipolar Spouses Forums - General & Support
This place has really saved me. The people there as here are so supportive and helpful. If it wasn't for them I would probably be stuck in a cycle of anxiety and grief due to the sudden departure of my now ex. I highly recommend checking it out.
Whyme-This is one of the most painful situations I have encounter and I have lots of life experiences. The bipolar aspect adds another facet to the dynamic of situation that I find very few people understand. If it wasn't for my support group I would feel utterly alone. I miss him terribly. I cry almost every day, but I am also getting stronger and regaining myself. I wish you the best and know that you are not alone.
This place has really saved me. The people there as here are so supportive and helpful. If it wasn't for them I would probably be stuck in a cycle of anxiety and grief due to the sudden departure of my now ex. I highly recommend checking it out.
Whyme-This is one of the most painful situations I have encounter and I have lots of life experiences. The bipolar aspect adds another facet to the dynamic of situation that I find very few people understand. If it wasn't for my support group I would feel utterly alone. I miss him terribly. I cry almost every day, but I am also getting stronger and regaining myself. I wish you the best and know that you are not alone.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Santo Domingo, Dominican Republc
Posts: 22
I feel so bad for the three of you. I am sending you love and light and hoping that you will get through this. I really recommend both NAMI and AL ANON for you to find support for yourselves. Sadly, only the person who is diagnosed can do the recovery work and dual diagnosis is a bitch. I have been struggling with it for thirty years.
I picked up my well is it my third or my fourth? thirty day chip from AA last week. Never got more than a few months clean and sober. It has taken me more than thrity years to come to terms with my diagnosis. But I can at least take some comfort that I have no husband and no kids and mine is the only life that I have messed up.
Know that you definitely have helped with the love that you have given to your sick partners but know that there comes a time when you have to distance yourselves to prevent further harm. Do not stay in any place where you feel your life is threatened.. particularly when alcohol is involved. People can go into alcoholic blackouts and do things that they simply do not even know that they are doing. Bipolars without medication, or on the wrong medication, or on medication mixed with alcohol, can turn into RAGEaholics.
Take CARE of yourselves! please!
I picked up my well is it my third or my fourth? thirty day chip from AA last week. Never got more than a few months clean and sober. It has taken me more than thrity years to come to terms with my diagnosis. But I can at least take some comfort that I have no husband and no kids and mine is the only life that I have messed up.
Know that you definitely have helped with the love that you have given to your sick partners but know that there comes a time when you have to distance yourselves to prevent further harm. Do not stay in any place where you feel your life is threatened.. particularly when alcohol is involved. People can go into alcoholic blackouts and do things that they simply do not even know that they are doing. Bipolars without medication, or on the wrong medication, or on medication mixed with alcohol, can turn into RAGEaholics.
Take CARE of yourselves! please!
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Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 13
I think it depends on what type of bipolar you have. My brother does not get manic episodes, more just elevated and energetic. When he drinks during that he will start becoming rather irrational except for when he works. Spends alot of money, gets even less sleep than usually and tends to put himself in danger. But when he is in that mood he also fights his alcoholism alot better.
Alcohol makes his depressions much worse. It makes him feel even more sad and alone and he feels that he deserves to be punished and not worthy of pretty much everything. He will stop eating because he feel unworthy and that he doesn't deserve comfort.
When he is sober and depressed he does not get these ideas.
So in his case he should avoid alcohol. It does not work for him.. But he does work on it
I wish you the best!
Alcohol makes his depressions much worse. It makes him feel even more sad and alone and he feels that he deserves to be punished and not worthy of pretty much everything. He will stop eating because he feel unworthy and that he doesn't deserve comfort.
When he is sober and depressed he does not get these ideas.
So in his case he should avoid alcohol. It does not work for him.. But he does work on it
I wish you the best!
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 47
Peanutter-Thank you for your kind words. Congrats on earning your chip. Yes, I had to distance myself to protect myself. My ex seemed to be trying to have his cake and eat it too. I am angry with him. Sometimes, I wonder if there is more than bipolar as I have talked with quite a few people with the illness who do not treat their loved ones with such disregard and lack of empathy. I hope he sincerely cared for me and I hope if he ever becomes healthy he will remember I truly cared for and respected him. I thought our bond was deeper and he would never just toss me aside. Please continue to keep me in the light and I will do the same for you. I wish you well.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 48
Thanks all for your comments. I am really really nervous tonight - it is 9:55pm and husband is not home. He's has been nervous about D-Day - the day he goes back to work tomorrow after being on medical leave for 5 weeks. God I hope he comes home tonight.
I wish I knew where he was. He's been gone for about 10 hours. I hope he didn't do anything crazy. :-((((((((((((
I wish I knew where he was. He's been gone for about 10 hours. I hope he didn't do anything crazy. :-((((((((((((
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 17
Hi Everyone,
Next step in the battle against alcohol, bipolar and bad decisions.. My SOP was arrested Friday night for breaking into the house. A neighbor saw them, yes he brought another person with him, and called the police. Just one more thing to deal with... If anyone has any insights or guidance from personal experience... I could sure use some brainstorming help..
Thanks everyone
Next step in the battle against alcohol, bipolar and bad decisions.. My SOP was arrested Friday night for breaking into the house. A neighbor saw them, yes he brought another person with him, and called the police. Just one more thing to deal with... If anyone has any insights or guidance from personal experience... I could sure use some brainstorming help..
Thanks everyone
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 17
Whyme2012...
Hope all is well with you... I very much know what it is like not knowing where your significant other person is... And all the thoughts that go through you mind.. Sometimes thinking is my own worst enemy.. I sure hope getting back to work went well for your husband.
Hope all is well with you... I very much know what it is like not knowing where your significant other person is... And all the thoughts that go through you mind.. Sometimes thinking is my own worst enemy.. I sure hope getting back to work went well for your husband.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 48
Thanks goodheartangel
Only he who knows and experiences this can understand. I can't tell you how many times I get weird looks by others when I say I want to be able to track spouse when he is going through manic phase because it is the not knowing where he is that kills you. All the thoughts that go through your mind. I watch the clock, wring my hands, and pray that I hear the garage door open soon.
He has suddenly snapped out of this manic phase. He apologized for acting out and things are stable again.
This has helped take away the feeling "crisis" and the need for immediate action. What am I doing differently. My goal is to look for a job and have one by end of summer. I am happy at least I have a little more time. The next time his episode occurs (and it will), I won't be trapped or forced to leave with no where to go.
Only he who knows and experiences this can understand. I can't tell you how many times I get weird looks by others when I say I want to be able to track spouse when he is going through manic phase because it is the not knowing where he is that kills you. All the thoughts that go through your mind. I watch the clock, wring my hands, and pray that I hear the garage door open soon.
He has suddenly snapped out of this manic phase. He apologized for acting out and things are stable again.
This has helped take away the feeling "crisis" and the need for immediate action. What am I doing differently. My goal is to look for a job and have one by end of summer. I am happy at least I have a little more time. The next time his episode occurs (and it will), I won't be trapped or forced to leave with no where to go.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 17
Hi Helltoraise,
Thank you for your comment. Yes I'm more relaxed the last few days. He is still on the street... but we have been talking... As we have many hundreds of times before. We both needed the break... He met another homeless man that drinks as well, but seems to have some good insights.. He has called my SOP on his behavior toward me a few times now... I have even received an apology for the name calling he was doing... First time ever!! As a result of the influence of this other person... I'm still very frightened to let him come back home tho... He really needs to still make some important changes... One day, One event, One visit at a time... It seems so simple and yet it is so hard... I wish sometimes that I could just get inside of him and make the necessary changes, almost like a repairman, so life would not be such a struggle for him.. us.. Till next time..
Thank you for your comment. Yes I'm more relaxed the last few days. He is still on the street... but we have been talking... As we have many hundreds of times before. We both needed the break... He met another homeless man that drinks as well, but seems to have some good insights.. He has called my SOP on his behavior toward me a few times now... I have even received an apology for the name calling he was doing... First time ever!! As a result of the influence of this other person... I'm still very frightened to let him come back home tho... He really needs to still make some important changes... One day, One event, One visit at a time... It seems so simple and yet it is so hard... I wish sometimes that I could just get inside of him and make the necessary changes, almost like a repairman, so life would not be such a struggle for him.. us.. Till next time..
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 48
I'm so tense. I took all the money out of checking last week after he kept withdrawing large amounts and blowing it. He apologized over the weekend and promised to stop. No soon I put it back that he starts draining it again. $560 gone since Tuesday. Seems to be nothing I can do to stop him. If I say something to him he just starts yelling. :-(
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Tampa
Posts: 3
Newlywed Ready to Run
My husband was diagnosed with Bipolar in December 2012, he had his first severe manic episode. This was 6 weeks after our wedding. My husband has also had problems with drinking all his life. I used to think it was his age because he was 4 years younger than me and we met when he was 25, but now I see that he is an alcoholic and possibly has possibly been self-medicating for his bipolar for a long time.
Anyway I left the house two weeks ago. I finally left after he got drunk the day of a friends bday dinner and drank from 12pm on even though he KNEW we had dinner at 8pm. He drank at the restaurant and then became belligerant, loud and basically mortified everyone at the table including myself. I sad there thinking "this can't be my life." I love him and I have tried to stick by him. After the diagnosis he stopped drinking for 10 days, but then it started again. He basically drinks all weekend, and no matter how much I begged and pleaded that he stop he told me that "it shouldn't affect me" and would make an excuse. I started to not want to be around him, especially in public if he was drinking, because he behaved horribly. I was always apologizing to people for things he would say or do.
Anyway the night of the restaurant I realized that I had to leave. For him and for myself. I am an attorney and I work crazy hours, and I have missed a lot of work because of his drinking and episode. I am simply exhausted and tired. Now he is seeing a therapist and says he realizes he is an alcoholic, but he still insists he can drink in moderation. I went with him to his therapist and told him that it is not a habit that you break in 3 weeks (which he has been repeating).
Now he is making me feel so terrible. He keeps hounding me about whether I want to try or walk
away. He has given me no space. Basically I talked to him and told him that right now I don't feel like trying, that I am tired and that I feel like I have enabled him for too long. Also I suffer from depression, so I don't think us having kids would be a good idea. I want kids, so does he, but with a depressive and bipolar person I feel like our kids would definitely suffer. Anyway I am just looking for support, I have friends and family, as well as a therapist who has worked with bipolar patients and their spouses and she basically has hinted that I should "run for the hills". It is just hard bc I am still in love with him, however I don't think I can ever be happy with him, and I don't think I am the right person for him because I am an enabler.
Thoughts.
Anyway I left the house two weeks ago. I finally left after he got drunk the day of a friends bday dinner and drank from 12pm on even though he KNEW we had dinner at 8pm. He drank at the restaurant and then became belligerant, loud and basically mortified everyone at the table including myself. I sad there thinking "this can't be my life." I love him and I have tried to stick by him. After the diagnosis he stopped drinking for 10 days, but then it started again. He basically drinks all weekend, and no matter how much I begged and pleaded that he stop he told me that "it shouldn't affect me" and would make an excuse. I started to not want to be around him, especially in public if he was drinking, because he behaved horribly. I was always apologizing to people for things he would say or do.
Anyway the night of the restaurant I realized that I had to leave. For him and for myself. I am an attorney and I work crazy hours, and I have missed a lot of work because of his drinking and episode. I am simply exhausted and tired. Now he is seeing a therapist and says he realizes he is an alcoholic, but he still insists he can drink in moderation. I went with him to his therapist and told him that it is not a habit that you break in 3 weeks (which he has been repeating).
Now he is making me feel so terrible. He keeps hounding me about whether I want to try or walk
away. He has given me no space. Basically I talked to him and told him that right now I don't feel like trying, that I am tired and that I feel like I have enabled him for too long. Also I suffer from depression, so I don't think us having kids would be a good idea. I want kids, so does he, but with a depressive and bipolar person I feel like our kids would definitely suffer. Anyway I am just looking for support, I have friends and family, as well as a therapist who has worked with bipolar patients and their spouses and she basically has hinted that I should "run for the hills". It is just hard bc I am still in love with him, however I don't think I can ever be happy with him, and I don't think I am the right person for him because I am an enabler.
Thoughts.
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Tampa
Posts: 3
It is hard either way...finding that out. My husband was diagnosed with BP 6 weeks after marriage and refuses to stop drinking. Left him after a horrible episode. But staying is enabling. I realize that now. I am in love with my husband but I cannot be happy with him.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 47
somewhere in this thread I put a link for a bipolar spouse support group.....I highly recommend it. Those people know their stuff. As long as he is willing to keep up with his medication go to a pdoc and a tdoc that is a good sign. Alcohol and bipolar don't mix! From my understanding it cancels out the medication. He has to want stability for himself more than anyone else. Untreated bipolar is not easy to deal with.....I lost my partner of three years to it. He couldn't give up drinking. Left me suddenly to explore his options......You may want to wait on children and do research. Your children could have the illness. It runs in families. Don't beat yourself up about enabling. It is easy to get sucked into even when you have the best intentions. Please look into support group. Best to you.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 48
My dear Ruth,
When I read your story it brings me back to when I first got married and discovered my husband was alcoholic. I later realized he was bipolar. It was a relief to realize that because it explained some of his bizarre behavior.
Because I gave up my career and moved to a small town where it was impossible to find a good job (like I was use to), I felt TRAPPED!
So interrupt this to type word for word what my husband just barged in the bedroom to say. This is after he took our one car to go grocery shopping saying he will be right back and came home hours later leaving me stranded. I immediately went upstairs. He soon followed me upstairs...and started yelling for 5 minutes:
I am f***g tired of this..you do f***g nothing. I get f***g pissed, because I have the same f***g conversation all the f***g time. This so f***g lopsided. You the worst f***g thing. I swear to f***g god. You f***g c**t.
Only this morning he came to me crying, wanting me to put my arms around him and comfort him because he was scared. This scene has played out 1000 times already. I try to be there for him to get him on his feet (I love him and he IS the bread winner). My support and understanding got him out of his bipolar crashes, at times making him go into rehab - but he quickly goes back to drinking. Once he tried moderation. If worked for a few months - then it doesn't work. I can tell you from now, for people like him, moderation does not work.
So to get back to you Ruth. When I first got married, he wasn't this bad. But as time got on he became progressively worse. His alcoholism caused him to get pushed out of a $200K/year job. If it hadn't been for me, he would have lost his job a long time ago. Because of me he was able to get medical leave for a month in which period he was going to get help - but he didn't - instead he was blowing $1000K a month. This week, after quitting his job he bought a $700 guitar. Our savings is dwindling to nothing. I can't stop him.
Every since I got married I have been planning for the day I escape. I was always too afraid and I was always hopeful he would change. I was paralized. But things are so bad now - that I have to go for my sanity. Just 30 minutes ago, I had to ask myself why I must live this life. I have said it over and over again for the last 5.5 years.
People on this board told me to leaves 4 years ago when i first came on this board. That's when I thought he was just an alcoholic. I didn't listen. You say you love him? Ha - you mark my words his behavior will "beat" the love right out of you.
Leave - run - go now. Save yourself!!!
When I read your story it brings me back to when I first got married and discovered my husband was alcoholic. I later realized he was bipolar. It was a relief to realize that because it explained some of his bizarre behavior.
Because I gave up my career and moved to a small town where it was impossible to find a good job (like I was use to), I felt TRAPPED!
So interrupt this to type word for word what my husband just barged in the bedroom to say. This is after he took our one car to go grocery shopping saying he will be right back and came home hours later leaving me stranded. I immediately went upstairs. He soon followed me upstairs...and started yelling for 5 minutes:
I am f***g tired of this..you do f***g nothing. I get f***g pissed, because I have the same f***g conversation all the f***g time. This so f***g lopsided. You the worst f***g thing. I swear to f***g god. You f***g c**t.
Only this morning he came to me crying, wanting me to put my arms around him and comfort him because he was scared. This scene has played out 1000 times already. I try to be there for him to get him on his feet (I love him and he IS the bread winner). My support and understanding got him out of his bipolar crashes, at times making him go into rehab - but he quickly goes back to drinking. Once he tried moderation. If worked for a few months - then it doesn't work. I can tell you from now, for people like him, moderation does not work.
So to get back to you Ruth. When I first got married, he wasn't this bad. But as time got on he became progressively worse. His alcoholism caused him to get pushed out of a $200K/year job. If it hadn't been for me, he would have lost his job a long time ago. Because of me he was able to get medical leave for a month in which period he was going to get help - but he didn't - instead he was blowing $1000K a month. This week, after quitting his job he bought a $700 guitar. Our savings is dwindling to nothing. I can't stop him.
Every since I got married I have been planning for the day I escape. I was always too afraid and I was always hopeful he would change. I was paralized. But things are so bad now - that I have to go for my sanity. Just 30 minutes ago, I had to ask myself why I must live this life. I have said it over and over again for the last 5.5 years.
People on this board told me to leaves 4 years ago when i first came on this board. That's when I thought he was just an alcoholic. I didn't listen. You say you love him? Ha - you mark my words his behavior will "beat" the love right out of you.
Leave - run - go now. Save yourself!!!
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