woodtick

Well, I don't know how to say this but I will try. I thought about posting this in the mens forum but there just isn't much traffic there so I think it would be best for me to not go into details and post it here.

I have been getting a feeling that people at school have been staring at me lately and also been very stand-offish. I'm not sure if I'm paranoid and loosing my sense of reality or what but I am very perceptive, sometimes over perceptive and maybe I am perceiving things that aren't there. I've been hard-pressed to understand if there was a reason that people might be staring at me for the last week. After much thought, I pieced together this; My computer had problems a few months ago and I saved all my documents to cd. Well I also wrote a word document around that time for a love/sex addiction website detailing my sexual experiences throughout my life to determine if I have a problem. I can't account for one of my cd's for my computer and I'm starting to think I used it to save a paper for a class and brought it to the computer lab for printing and left it in a computer there. I do have add and am very forgetful. I'm not sure where to go from here. If it did happen I don't ever want to go to that school again wondering who read my sex history, something that nobody should know about but me. Yes it did include some shameful things from my past, I'm not sure I could live with myself knowing that people in my school know about it.

On the other hand, maybe my mind is playing tricks on me and I'm not thinking rationally. It would be a rare coincidence for these chain of events to happen but those seem to be my forte'. I have literally contemplated checking out this weekend. The only thing that has kept me from doing so is a fear of going to hell. I even lost my sobriety. I'm starting to think about my life as a whole and seeing a pattern of every time some hope or something potentially beautiful comes along I get the rug pulled out from underneath me.

eddie z.

((((((Brent)))))),
I'm really at a loss for words, except that I would be very unhappy if you decided to check out. I had to deal with a situation similar to yours at a VERY early age, you know when kids taunt and tease and generally humiliate other kids. And I survived. I think it taught me compassion among other things.

I'm sorry about your sobriety, but you can get that back. Please PM me if you need to talk, OK?

Love you,
Eddie

Alice Wonder

Brent i sent a very personal love letter with many explicit details to a small public radio station instead of my boyfriends address!!!!!! yes.... i used names etc. he lived in a very small town at the time. great- my sex life sent to a radio station. i got the envelopes mixed up.ughhhhhhhhhhhh and i had to tell the boyfriend that i did it in case he heard any broadcasts! anyhow it's not the same but i know how it feels to have very private personal info made public. it is quite possible that you could be wrong about things.i am sorry that you are so upset. please be kind to yourself and know that you are in my thoughts. (((((((brent)))))))

dotcom

Brent,

I am so sorry that things have turned this way. I will keep you in my prayers, you have been so helpful to me! I have been in a similar situation only i knew for a fact that the tape was being passed around and what was on the tape. i dont say this to be nasty, especially since you are male and i am female. i say this so you know where i am coming from.

one thing that really keeps me afloat is knowing that i have today, and i cannot do anything about yesterday. yes, the shame sticks to me and i feel that there is a blinking neon light above my head... and i know i just wrote about shame, but it is such an intense feeling. especially since i am a very sensative person.

sometimes not knowing.. is the worst. the mind starts playing tricks on us and we get into what ifs... since you do not know for sure, maybe take a few deep breaths, stop looking for the disc, and resume looking once you have balanced out and are feeling a little less frantic. dont automatically think the worst! the disc may have fallen in a drawer, or it may be in your back pack. i get frantic and urgent and just have to find something right now or i will lose my mind and just want to scream and pull my hair out. hmm... perhaps im not the best person to offer advice then (that was a joke to make you laugh HAHA).

i do not know what to say, but i will say that i will keep you in my prayers and i would as we all would, be very sad if you decided to check out! you have a lot to offer, Brent. i hope that you will not let this eat your insides to pieces. and i hope you will go to school with your head held high because i am sure you are a very bright man. and do remember... we all have our skeletons in our oversized closets...

and if there is anything i can do to help you back up on the wagon, just let me know. i know a thing or two about falling off.. ok, i know a lot about falling off the wagon. and what i know best is that i can get back on it and keep on keeping on through the good and the bad. please please please (times a million) do not check out! maybe we could do an online contract thing? i dont want to over step my boundaries, but i feel so badly for you and dont want you to feel so horrible! we are here for you. ok?

i hope i have been of some help to you. please let us know how you are doing! no matter how bad you feel or how shamed you feel, WE STILL LOVE YOU! anything i can do just let me know. like i said, you have helped me immensely and i would like to do the same.

Hugs and prayers coming your way,

Jess

Kimnat

Brent,
I don't know what was there on that CD and what your past is all about.
Let me put it this way : we all have something in our past that we are ashamed about, everybody has a skeleton in the closet. If your worst fears came true (others being aware of your past) so be it.
There 's so much in our lives that we are embarassed about or shameful (remember those "morning after's", wondering and not remembering what happened the nite before?)
They happen. Go beyond, because tomorrow is another day, and as I've said before, everybody has a morning after.....we feel like ****, but the truth is always better than we imagined. And why the h___ are you worried about what others will think? Don't get upset, get real. Think about you, cause nobody else does it like you do!

And hey, if anyone ever confronts you with something you know they could only know from your CD, you could always say you were writing a book...( oops, is this silly?)

Kimnat (I've been there too)

runningfree

Brent,
I hope that before you read this that you have read VERY CAREFULLY the many words before me. Those before me have said more than I could say about how you need to know that you are special and anything that might have been or was is not NOW anymore.
I couldn't sleep and got up to "listen" because I don't chat here much. I am glad to be here now to try to help you.
YOU HAVE BEEN A VERY INFLUENTIAL PERSON to me and you need to understand the wonderful qualities that you have. I know nothing about you AND I have no idea about what skeletons that you might have. The beauty of this forum is that you get to know the real person. The real person comes out and you are a very sensitive, caring,intelligent,warm,giving, compassionate, considerate, thoughtful, diligent, hardworking and many many more fine qualities that escape me at 12:41am.
I can't make your pain go away and I would never say that you should not feel what you are feeling. You are not sure that any of it is true and if it is then I hope you can find the comfort that you need from your friends here. You have helped so many. I feel blessed that you have sent me kind words and although I am not very "chatty" as some, I am grateful and hope that you know that you can turn to me as with others in this time of distress. Sometimes just continued talking or "typing" is wonderful therapy. I may not be in a great place right now, but when I hear of your need I want to put all of it aside and jump to your rescue as you have done for me. You have stayed up many nights typing notes to me to help me feel better. Please let me do that for you.
Please keep checking in not out!!!!
runningfree (sharon)

woodtick

Thank you everybody for the kind replies, words of wisdom, sharing of personal stories, and most of all your concern for my well being. I am feeling a lot better thanks to all of you. Since Thursday my thoughts have been consumed with all of the disasters in my life and a feeling of being doomed. I couldn't bring myself to talk to anyone about what I'm going through, I even had to get loaded to post it here. So much for my sobriety streak. As a student of psychology I thought I could handle anything but I was completely slammed by this. Thank God it is my past and I can leave it there, It really sucks if people know about it though. Worse yet strangers. No, my past isn't too awfully bad by today's standards but it's bad enough that I am ashamed of it.

I really hope this fear is not true. It would make life a lot easier to move forward. There have been specific times in my life when thoughts have been revealed to me. It's almost like a sixth sense and I don't know where it comes from but I am absolutely certain when it does. This is one of those revelations and it's why I went off the deep end. I could just picture some young punk finding it and emailing it to the entire faculty as he laughs his a## off in absolute amusement of his cruelty. As with past disasters in my life I will pick up the pieces and forge ahead. "get busy living or get busy dieing" is an appropriate quote today. I have thought about the latter all weekend but now I'm starting to think about the other option. I'm going to clear the beer and schnapps bottles out of my computer room and get back on the wagon. I don't even like alcohol anymore, I don't know why I did it.

I can't believe I had gotten to that point. I've been depressed in my life before but never like that. All of your help made the difference, I mean that with all sincerity. Even though this board is anonymous I believe I have friends here. I'm not getting all mushy or anything I just want to let everyone know how much I appreciate your words of encouragement and concern for me. It honestly makes me feel good inside, I don't know how else to describe it. I'm now looking forward to getting my feet back underneath me and being there for someone else that needs help. I'll keep everybody posted with my progress. I have worked too hard to clean up my life and I'm not going to let this set me back any further.

dotcom

Brent,

hugs and prayers coming your way. i admire your resolution to get back your sobriety and to work through this. you hang in there and remember we are always here for you. so very glad you decided not to check out, you have a lot of potential. and i think you will make a great psychologist someday if that is what you decide to go into. get busy living, or get busy dying is so right. i think i shall keep that in mind today myself! keep your head up brent and don't give up!

hugs,

Jess

2stop

****{Brent}}} Hang in there...we just have to keep getting up one more time than we fall down..you are doing good. It will work out. have faith..I know it's hard..but you can do it. You have been agreat encouragement to me many times. Keep posting..we love ya! *hugs*

woodtick

Thanks again Jess and Tam. I'm really starting to come around now. I can't believe what I was contemplating. I'm still shaking from the whole thing.

I went to the school and the janitor opened up the computer labs but I didn't find it. I found others but not mine. I don't know if that is good or bad. I turned on almost every computer and opened the cd drive. I was there for an hour almost and the janitor was even helping me.

I really wish I could find that cdr. I'm starting to hope that someone threw it away. I don't care if I loose all the papers I had on there.

eddie z.

Brent,
Hey! You doin' better tonight? You sound better.
Love, Eddie

woodtick

Eddie, Yup I'm feeling a lot better but still have a ways to go yet. I need to see my therapist bad. I've been a real sh## head and missed my last four appointments accidentally. I completely forget about them somehow. I'm too ashamed of myself for missing to show my face in her office. The bad thing is that it takes three weeks to get an appt to see her. I make the appt and three weeks later I forget about it. My add has a lot to do with that. I can't keep a schedule for more than about a few days in my head.


I talked to my ex-wife tonight and told her the story. She gave me the "hugs" over the phone and said that she still loves me anyway. That made me feel better. I'm not going to school tomorrow though. I've been so depressed all weekend I didn't get any homework done at all and im ill prepared.

Thank you for asking Eddie.

ksos

Brent...

I'm a recovering SA (Ten Months) and am an active member on another site which is specialized in SA/LA. That site, as well as this one, have essentially saved my life. When I joined SR, that was actually the reason as well.

I'm somewhat hesitant to bring this part of my life up since some members on SR initially expressed to me, in private, that they were very frightened of dealing with me, especially in light of what my activities were. They all knew, since it was in my "story," which told all. Since then, those same people have provided me so much support and understanding that I couldn't be more grateful. Lilya and Juls know. Probably many others know. I think you were here when I did share this, but maybe you weren't. Anyway, I no longer care if people reject me for what I did, since I am recovering from this. And the stigma attached the SA is so immense that many go through their lives hiding, lying, betraying everyone in their lives, and inevitable, like any addiction, can end up in jails, institutions, and, yes, dead.

Now that I said all of this, please do not take this as me "diagnosing" you as an SA. I'm not. But I am telling you all of this, as it is a subject which has impacted my life very much. You and I have spoke privately about many issues and I've always found you to be one of the folks here who has been extremely supportive of me. Let me try to return the favor,

Please listen to me when I tell you that you need not fear anything. People have preconceived notons of us as people, as addicts. No matter how hard we try to control things, we can really only control the love we have for ourselves. Doing esteemable things is one thing which helps. Making healthy choices for ourselves is another. Believing that we are "good enough" is yet another.

You wrote something onto a CD-R and are worried that it will be revealed. And you know what? It probably will never be found, either by you or by the punk that you think will find it. Don't create that fantasy that you have since it is unrealistic, in my humble opinion. You probably misplaced it. And if you left it somewhere, it was probably disposed of without anyone bothering to read it. More importantly, you cannot let this consume you, my friend, as it is like contemplating death or your navel, whichever you feel is more existential, LOL! Most of all, Brent, don't get drunk over this. And I don't only mean alcohol. I mean, in your ever-active mind!

You were becoming intoxicated by thinking that someone got a hold of your "sordid" activities. So what if someone did? You originally documented this for an exercise regarding your mental health, right? No one on the planet can take that away from you. If they do, f--k 'em. You're a human being who is on the road to recovering everthing in your life. You need to let go of this as it will derail you. It may have already done this, for a short time. But you can reclaim anything and everything that you think that you lost in losing this CD. And I think that you will.

If someone thinks any less of you for anything that you documented in your private journaling, than they can go to hell. You were doing something which was part of helping yourself. No matter how bad you think you were, there was someone who was badder, trust me. You need not fear anything relating to recovery. And you can put another spin on this, if you choose. Losing this CD may have been a part of the work you've been doing. You may no longer have to have that part of your life lingering somewhere in oblivion. You are here, now.

That's the important thing, Brent. It's okay to have a fleeting moment of, "What if someone knows..." But try thinking, "So what?"

Keep up the healthy part of you. You have broken many chains. I've seen this since you started here. This is minor compared to the other things that you have on your plate, don't you think?

eddie z.

Brent,
What ksos said!! When I'm freaked out about something, I ask myself, "What's the worst that could happen?" And then try to be REALISTIC in my answer to that question. You didn't kill anyone, right? The SWAT team isn't going to ram in your door, right? I have to take ksos' advice and say, "So what" and "F*** 'em," and move on.

Do you know about my board hearing? Just last month, I had all my professional transgressions read out loud in front of an audience! All the stealing, lying, shooting up in the bathroom at work. Talk about humiliating. But it's over. It's the past. I am NOT that person today. Maybe you could consider losing the CDR as a cleansing thing. All that mess is GONE now!

I really identify with the forgetting appointments thing. You know, I have ADD as well. My big problem is scheduling things that conflict without realizing it. I HAVE TO use a planner to keep track of things. I HAVE TO write stuff down or I'll surely forget. Shucks, I write things down now, so I don't forget so much, but I STILL don't realize when things conflict. I just don't make the connections I need to. Maybe this is something else we can help each other with.

I go to the psychiatrist Friday and I was thinking about asking him if I could try the Straterra, but now the depression is kind of kicking my butt, so I don't know what to do. Part of me thinks dealing with the ADD and the "fuzzy head" will help with the depression. What do you think? What is your experience with this, since you have the same problems? THANK YOU, BRENT!!

Love, Eddie

ksos

Eddie...

That's a terrific example you provided. Hearing your "transgressions" in a public venue cannot be more humbling of an experience, as a health care professional. I'm certain that it was an experience which was both extremely painful, but probably, extremely eye-opening.

I experienced something, not quite as severe as what you did, but something which made me look at my life and, eventually change. I worked for a health care facility and was eventually "discovered", when my colleagues found two jugs of liquid Vicodin in my desk drawer. I was turned in and I was so angry and bitter as this could have resulted in me losing my state license forever. I know this is going to sound ridiculous, but I was blessed to have been caught, as I never would have stopped using these drugs. I was provided with a choice by my employer. I could have not resigned and this would have been reported or I could "resign" with a neutral reference, as I was employed there for five years. Obviously, there was no choice, having a young child. I left. And I left on my own accord. My head wasn't hung high at the time, but now I am proud of what did happen in my life. I detoxed from a heavy opiate addiction and became clean.

Brent didn't kill anyone with what he did, except his sobriety, which can be reclaimed. I want him to know that people's perceptions are just that. Perceptions.

Brent. You are a terrific person, from what I know of you on the forum. There is nothing you could have done in that darn CD-R which would ever taint my perception of you. Although this may not mean much since you are not in my "real life," you are in my life, on this board. I care about you, man. I want you to know that...

woodtick

Thanks Ksos, You are a good man and a good friend. I care about you too! I enjoy hearing from you always. I was hoping you'd jump in. I really wigged out over this and I'm still feeling the aftershocks. I didn't even go to school today. I need time to think this through. I still don't even know if the cd-r is in the wrong hands yet. But like I said sometimes I just get that gut feeling. I hope I'm wrong but I do need to be prepared for the worst. I think I'll take your's and Eddie's advice and apply the expletive. Your right, it's not the same me. If they don't understand that then they are missing out on life. A fool. I can't let other people's rigid opinions keep me from going on with my life. If I ever do find out it got out I guess I'll have to just accept it. There is a bible verse that says there are consequences for our sins. I guess I hoped that I had dodged the bullet after I got married and walked away from my past without any permanent damage. Maybe this is will be the consequence.

I can say this, the changes in my life have been solidified by this earth-moving event. I could never go back to being the man I was. I have honor and health now and I would never do anything to jeopardize that. I didn't even enjoy the alcohol like I used to. It just doesn't appeal to me thankfully. I used it as a diversion more than anything, something had to give at the time. So, I'm glad I posted my story even if I had to get loaded to do it. I feel so much better after hearing from everybody. As you could tell in my first post I was freaking. I was really feeling defeated by life after I had worked so hard at it, that's what hurt the most I think. That and the thought that no respectable woman would want anything to do with a guy like me.

Eddie,
My experience with the straterra was certainly positive. I think it would even work better if I didn't have so much on my plate. I can be exceedingly sharp when I'm calm and not thinking about ten different things at once. I couldn't do that before. Keep me posted if you give it a try. I'm thinking about trying the welbutrin instead of Prozac. I've been having a difficult time sleeping at night.

Thank you again everybody. I couldn't have turned this ship around without you. I don't know what else to say other than I love you all!!

eddie z.

Brent,
Glad you're sounding so much better! The Wellbutrin's good for ADD but slightly notorious for causing more insomnia. I think we talked about this before the crash. You may end up still having to take something for sleep. Just don't let 'em give you any controlled substances.

Speaking of sleep, I think I better head back to bed. I got up too early!
Love, Eddie

woodtick

Thanks Eddie,
If we talked about welbutrin causing insomnia, it must not have registered or i lost the bytes in my memory LOL! Thanks for bringing it up again. I was going to ask my doc for a welbutrin scrip. It may have made my situaution worse. If you go on Straterra be careful not to start too high. I don't know the function of it but if the welbutrin is a reuptake inhibitor it will cause the Straterra to stay in the synaptic gap and increase it's intensity. I started at 20mg/day, went up to 40, then back to 20. That was in conjunction with 40mg of Prozac.

I'm so glad I'm feeling better. I didn't go to school today again but I'm going tomorrow.

Juls

Brent,

I know what a horrendous feeling that is to think someone has read or found out something so personal. I am a very private person, and I would just die thinking that something like that had happened to me. I can see though that after posting about it here, and having some time to reflect that you are going in the right direction in dealing with it. This is very important, because it shows you are having healthy emotional growth which is what we're all trying to achieve. I'm really proud of how you have handled yourself.

Juls

eddie z.

No offense, Brent, but as someone who studies pharmacology professionally, I don't think your idea about reuptake inhibition holds water. There may be an interaction between Prozac and Straterra, but I don't think it has to do w/ reuptake at the synapses. But thanks for the warning anyway!

I ALWAYS start low with new meds, because I seem to be pretty sensitive. Someone else who takes Straterra told me it made him drowsy at first. Did you have that problem? What made you go back down on the Straterra dose?

—Eddie