I am slipping away:My mother-in-law
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 24
I am slipping away:My mother-in-law
I've been battling depression and anxiety for years. It's been a minor inconvenience. I don't believe I've suffered half as bad as many.
Unfortunately, my mother-in-law is now the center of my problems, my stress, my anxiety. I'm now in a position where my entire life revolves around whether or not she is doing what she's suppose to be doing or whether she's doing something to **** everyone off.
She's almost 80 and lives with my wife and I. My family lives back in Canada, I live in Japan. My wife has no other family to help. I don't need financial support, I need an emotional release from this woman.
My wife and I are trying to have kids and tonight was 'baby making night'. When we got home, my mother-in-law had done the opposite of what she was told to do, and caused so much frustration and anger for my wife, that my wife is now crying...has been for hours.
My mother-in-law has only 1 responsibility: To act like a person, a normal person. Get up, eat, drink, take medicine etc. Nothing big, all things she CAN do. Unless someone is standing over her, she won't do it. She'll take the easy road which is to sleep, sleep and sleep. Only when she needs something will she call out.
Part of 'acting normal' is that when she does lie down that she lie down PROPERLY. She tends to push herself down the bed. Since she doesn't want to go to the toilet on her own, she's been wearing diapers. If some spill over onto the bed, there's a bed sheet underneath. But she moves herself, positions herself, so that when it does spill over it gets onto the mattress where it's not covered. We've told her "When you sleep, sleep like a normal person."
At the end of the day, my mother-in-law does nothing for herself. She doesn't cook, clean, bathe, prepare anything. There is little government support. She knows that if she just 'waits us out' that eventually we'll tire of her and leave her room...to sleep. She'll throw a half-hearted apology out here and there, but nothing meaningful. My wife gets so upset that she feels like she was born to serve her mother, that she is her slave. She goes into fits and says things like "We shouldn't have kids, I don't want them to go through what I'm going through." She forgets that I'm going through it as well...but she also feels that I could just leave, which I'm not planning to do.
So every morning, I wake up to either bickering and fighting, or to a huff and puff "I'm out of here..." leaving me to pick up the pieces...which I'm happy to do if it means less stress on my wife. I get angry at my mother-in-law...but she doesn't care. As long as someone is bringing her her food and making sure that her bags are ready for daycare, she doesn't really care.
Is she suffering from dementia, maybe a little...that or Alzheimer's. She still knows right from wrong. Like I said, if I stand over her and ask her "What do you have to do first...and then, and then, and then..." She knows. But when you ask her to do it and then leave the room, you come back to the room a while later and she hasn't moved. You get a little angry and she says "You know what, I don't feel like eating." Or whatever it is you want her to get ready for.
I've been trying to cut down on my meds. This hasn't happened with much success...she drives me nuts. I have slight skin allergies during the summer. My skin goes bright read in those areas after a few hours dealing with her. I then have to deal with a wife who is feeling what I'm feeling but to a greater extent. My wife will ask "Is the reason you can't cut on your meds because of my mother." To which the answer is a big YES, but that's not what I say...I think she knows...no need to rub it in.
I never know what I'm coming home to if I'm the one that is working late. The good days are days when NOTHING happens. Never anything GOOD...just nothing. The bad days are like today, where my wife will cry herself to sleep. Tomorrow, my mother-in-law will be completely focused on getting out of the house and going to daycare forgetting what happened the night before unless I remind her...to which she will say "Then kill me. I shouldn't live if that's what I do." I've gotten so tired of the "Then kill me..." routine that I put a couple of mints on her table and told her it was poison and that she can do it herself. Then she can't wait for my wife to come home and tell her all about it...
A few months back she caught pneumonia...we rushed her to a hospital, we were both naturally worried. Then, for a moment I though 'what if this is it...' thinking how much easier life would be...what kind of person am I to feel this way...it only adds to my depression...
I needed to get that off my chest...but any advice would be great.
Nobody can help. Just me and my wife. Can't take a vacation, can't get away. Our life seems to be in a state of limbo, waiting for something to happen, good or bad...
Unfortunately, my mother-in-law is now the center of my problems, my stress, my anxiety. I'm now in a position where my entire life revolves around whether or not she is doing what she's suppose to be doing or whether she's doing something to **** everyone off.
She's almost 80 and lives with my wife and I. My family lives back in Canada, I live in Japan. My wife has no other family to help. I don't need financial support, I need an emotional release from this woman.
My wife and I are trying to have kids and tonight was 'baby making night'. When we got home, my mother-in-law had done the opposite of what she was told to do, and caused so much frustration and anger for my wife, that my wife is now crying...has been for hours.
My mother-in-law has only 1 responsibility: To act like a person, a normal person. Get up, eat, drink, take medicine etc. Nothing big, all things she CAN do. Unless someone is standing over her, she won't do it. She'll take the easy road which is to sleep, sleep and sleep. Only when she needs something will she call out.
Part of 'acting normal' is that when she does lie down that she lie down PROPERLY. She tends to push herself down the bed. Since she doesn't want to go to the toilet on her own, she's been wearing diapers. If some spill over onto the bed, there's a bed sheet underneath. But she moves herself, positions herself, so that when it does spill over it gets onto the mattress where it's not covered. We've told her "When you sleep, sleep like a normal person."
At the end of the day, my mother-in-law does nothing for herself. She doesn't cook, clean, bathe, prepare anything. There is little government support. She knows that if she just 'waits us out' that eventually we'll tire of her and leave her room...to sleep. She'll throw a half-hearted apology out here and there, but nothing meaningful. My wife gets so upset that she feels like she was born to serve her mother, that she is her slave. She goes into fits and says things like "We shouldn't have kids, I don't want them to go through what I'm going through." She forgets that I'm going through it as well...but she also feels that I could just leave, which I'm not planning to do.
So every morning, I wake up to either bickering and fighting, or to a huff and puff "I'm out of here..." leaving me to pick up the pieces...which I'm happy to do if it means less stress on my wife. I get angry at my mother-in-law...but she doesn't care. As long as someone is bringing her her food and making sure that her bags are ready for daycare, she doesn't really care.
Is she suffering from dementia, maybe a little...that or Alzheimer's. She still knows right from wrong. Like I said, if I stand over her and ask her "What do you have to do first...and then, and then, and then..." She knows. But when you ask her to do it and then leave the room, you come back to the room a while later and she hasn't moved. You get a little angry and she says "You know what, I don't feel like eating." Or whatever it is you want her to get ready for.
I've been trying to cut down on my meds. This hasn't happened with much success...she drives me nuts. I have slight skin allergies during the summer. My skin goes bright read in those areas after a few hours dealing with her. I then have to deal with a wife who is feeling what I'm feeling but to a greater extent. My wife will ask "Is the reason you can't cut on your meds because of my mother." To which the answer is a big YES, but that's not what I say...I think she knows...no need to rub it in.
I never know what I'm coming home to if I'm the one that is working late. The good days are days when NOTHING happens. Never anything GOOD...just nothing. The bad days are like today, where my wife will cry herself to sleep. Tomorrow, my mother-in-law will be completely focused on getting out of the house and going to daycare forgetting what happened the night before unless I remind her...to which she will say "Then kill me. I shouldn't live if that's what I do." I've gotten so tired of the "Then kill me..." routine that I put a couple of mints on her table and told her it was poison and that she can do it herself. Then she can't wait for my wife to come home and tell her all about it...
A few months back she caught pneumonia...we rushed her to a hospital, we were both naturally worried. Then, for a moment I though 'what if this is it...' thinking how much easier life would be...what kind of person am I to feel this way...it only adds to my depression...
I needed to get that off my chest...but any advice would be great.
Nobody can help. Just me and my wife. Can't take a vacation, can't get away. Our life seems to be in a state of limbo, waiting for something to happen, good or bad...
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Salt Lake City, Utah
Posts: 49
When my mom's health was declining, beginning at about the age of 80, I had to be the one to step up and take care of her. I'm the youngest, but I'm also the only daughter. Both of my brothers made the decision to bow out. (Grrrr....)
It was so hard, I was taking care of another person, working full time and also caring for my own family.
My therapist recommended a book called "The 36-Hour Day". The book addressed so many of the things I was going through that I had almost every paragraph highlighted. I'm the baby of the family and have always been treated as such - so , sibling roles had to shift. This was difficult on everyone.
This is just an example of some of the steps we have to take and changes we have to make to not only take care of our loved ones, but also to care for ourselves.
I'd recommend reading the book (both you and your wife) - it certainly helped us gain some perspective on our situation and where our mom might be coming from and where she may be headed. I hope this helps. And best of luck to you, it's not easy.
It was so hard, I was taking care of another person, working full time and also caring for my own family.
My therapist recommended a book called "The 36-Hour Day". The book addressed so many of the things I was going through that I had almost every paragraph highlighted. I'm the baby of the family and have always been treated as such - so , sibling roles had to shift. This was difficult on everyone.
This is just an example of some of the steps we have to take and changes we have to make to not only take care of our loved ones, but also to care for ourselves.
I'd recommend reading the book (both you and your wife) - it certainly helped us gain some perspective on our situation and where our mom might be coming from and where she may be headed. I hope this helps. And best of luck to you, it's not easy.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,791
I feel for you. It sounds like a horrible situation to be living in.
Is there no other place she can live? Can you call the area agency on aging (or the equivilent where you live) to see about options so you and your wife can have a normal healthy marriage without all the disruption and depression.
How did she come to be living with you anyway? I wish you the best and will pray for some relief for you and your wife.
Is there no other place she can live? Can you call the area agency on aging (or the equivilent where you live) to see about options so you and your wife can have a normal healthy marriage without all the disruption and depression. How did she come to be living with you anyway? I wish you the best and will pray for some relief for you and your wife.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: Arizona
Posts: 318
It almost sounds as if your MIL could be suffering from depression herself. What may appear to be laziness could be her just not caring enough about herself to do anything. Depression in older people can also mimic symptoms of dementia or Alzheimer's, but with treatment the confusion can get better.
If she truly is having some beginning dementia, she may realize that "something" isn't right, and that could also be contributing to depression.
And yes, if someone is depressed enough, they won't even care to get out of bed to use the bathroom.
"The 36 Hour Day" is a GREAT book and will help explain dementia and the behaviors with it. I would also strongly recommend that you have your MIL checked over by her doctor; check for medical causes for these behaviors and then also screen her for depression.
Here is a good site that helps explain depression and dementia in older persons:
Depression in Older Adults and the Elderly: Signs, Symptoms, and Help
If she truly is having some beginning dementia, she may realize that "something" isn't right, and that could also be contributing to depression.
And yes, if someone is depressed enough, they won't even care to get out of bed to use the bathroom.
"The 36 Hour Day" is a GREAT book and will help explain dementia and the behaviors with it. I would also strongly recommend that you have your MIL checked over by her doctor; check for medical causes for these behaviors and then also screen her for depression.
Here is a good site that helps explain depression and dementia in older persons:
Depression in Older Adults and the Elderly: Signs, Symptoms, and Help
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 24
Early on in our marriage, when she was capable of doing things on her own, she moved in with us. She wasn't taking the best care of herself and lived far enough away that whenever we couldn't get in touch with her (Her phone on vibrate) we'd rush out via taxi (Expensive) only to see she was asleep or watching TV or doing something...
In the beginning she was 'normal'. However, there is some Japanese culture involved. Most aging people have the eldest son take care of them. Old folks homes are almost non-existent. The ones we found were at a price where we could buy our own home and hire a 24 hour nurse. Many families take care of their older family members. However, we're a bit unique in that we need both our salaries to stay above water. My MIL decided this was no excuse and put all the pressure on my wife. "Why are you home late on days you have an early shift?" My wife was going to the gym to relieve stress...something my MIL thought was selfish as she should be home cooking for her. When my father-in-law died (He was a vegetable and in the hospital under 24hour care.) my mother-in-law never visited. Too much stress...but she put everything on my wife. So, naturally, when he died, she said "I'm not sure I can handle the train ride. I can't go." My wife dealt with all the arrangements. She got cussed out by my MIL's best friend for not doing more (There wasn't more that could be done, not on the day he died.)
All these things just got worse and worse. When daycare comes to pick her up, she's a happy camper. She comes home happy. But by dinner time, she's probably doing something she shouldn't be. She was put on Paxil for a while but it gave her hallucinations. Doctors tried other meds and they did nothing (In their opinions). If she's suffering from depression, I'd be happy to add another pill to her cocktail of pills.
Today, my wife came home sick. I'm sure it was whatever feels she had lingering from yesterday. My mother-in-law decided she would walk around her room (Something she CAN'T DO because she doesn't exercise and will end up falling...she has to have one of us to watch over her.) She ended up falling and almost cracking her skull open. She could've easily broken her glasses, teeth or an array of bones...all which cost money to fix. My wife heard the thud and asked "Why...of all days you decide to walk, why today, why when I'm sick, why when I'm in bed." Of course I was the one picking her up and putting her back in bed.
In the beginning she was 'normal'. However, there is some Japanese culture involved. Most aging people have the eldest son take care of them. Old folks homes are almost non-existent. The ones we found were at a price where we could buy our own home and hire a 24 hour nurse. Many families take care of their older family members. However, we're a bit unique in that we need both our salaries to stay above water. My MIL decided this was no excuse and put all the pressure on my wife. "Why are you home late on days you have an early shift?" My wife was going to the gym to relieve stress...something my MIL thought was selfish as she should be home cooking for her. When my father-in-law died (He was a vegetable and in the hospital under 24hour care.) my mother-in-law never visited. Too much stress...but she put everything on my wife. So, naturally, when he died, she said "I'm not sure I can handle the train ride. I can't go." My wife dealt with all the arrangements. She got cussed out by my MIL's best friend for not doing more (There wasn't more that could be done, not on the day he died.)
All these things just got worse and worse. When daycare comes to pick her up, she's a happy camper. She comes home happy. But by dinner time, she's probably doing something she shouldn't be. She was put on Paxil for a while but it gave her hallucinations. Doctors tried other meds and they did nothing (In their opinions). If she's suffering from depression, I'd be happy to add another pill to her cocktail of pills.
Today, my wife came home sick. I'm sure it was whatever feels she had lingering from yesterday. My mother-in-law decided she would walk around her room (Something she CAN'T DO because she doesn't exercise and will end up falling...she has to have one of us to watch over her.) She ended up falling and almost cracking her skull open. She could've easily broken her glasses, teeth or an array of bones...all which cost money to fix. My wife heard the thud and asked "Why...of all days you decide to walk, why today, why when I'm sick, why when I'm in bed." Of course I was the one picking her up and putting her back in bed.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
Boy, this is a tough situation, in large part because of cultural differences and expectations. It sounds like she has deteriorated and should be moved into assisted living or a nursing home. That will be a very hard decision for you and your wife to make but it sounds necessary if you two are to have any semblance of a life. Your mother in law isn't going to change; the only thing you can do is change the situation.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
