I immediately fell asleep after talking to you....but just 2 hours later i'm awake and had to just accept it. that was at 9 p.m. or so....i've bored myself to pieces watching boring t.v. shows....hence why i'm no on here again, but luckily growing sleepy.
Man, i feel like such a worthless idiot right now. Reality flashed across my mind of how all my days are filled with sleeping, sometimes eating, journaling and t.v. - the only thing worse for this picture would be if i became a gamer and spent lots of time playing video games (no offense gamers, sorry), however, i've thought about doing just that several times! And i actually, most likely would have hooked up my playstation and all if i wasn't so damn lazy! How's that for an oximoron!! Being too lazy to play video games all day....or rather to even hook up the damn box!!!
I'm really sorry if i offend anyone with this rant, but i've always pushed myself really hard all my life...and my ex of 4 years helped further develope my judgements on those who do nothing with their lives and let others take care of them while they play video games, watch t.v. (and often drink beer).
Gamers in general brings negative conitations for me....mainly b/c my oldest male cousin, just a couple years younger than me, has been the typical pot smoking, drop-out, lazy, un-motivated, user all his life. I think he 'may' have had 1 or 2 jobs his whole life, and neither for more that a few months, at max. As older teenagers, i couldn't stand all that in him THEN!! All his life was about was Dungeons and Dragons and video games.
And, again, i'm sorry for my judgements in this area and any offense taken, but from what i've come to see in most serious gamers is aggression, more than most others, if not out-right violence. Even the girl who affected my firing on the day i was....a college degree, husband, young daughter, great job....but also a huge gamer....and there was an uncomfortable-ness i always felt when talking to her on smoke breaks. I tried to ignore it, but there is a strong level of aggression under the face she showed. That became more and more evident to me. And my oldest male cousin....i just recently found out...he started molesting our youngest cousin when she was about 5 (his dad went to prison for molesting me when i was about 5, but i told and our little cousin didn't...but i've ALWAYS had trouble even looking at this cousin becaue he looks JUST like his dad), and he has been physically violent with her to the point of lifting her off the ground by her throat and chocking her. And....my ex of 4 years....had a lot of violence that he held in, but that did come out from time to time (dragging me across the room and some instance with the closet that i've blacked out for some reason....but he was even cruel to my 2 cats....locking one up in a window during the summer for so long that she actually crapped in the window....and could have died. His excuse was that she was bothering him and he thought it funny. Well, soon after he was torturing her again by locking her up in the shower and turning the water on...and before i could intervine, my male cat ran in and bit him on the foot!! lol)
Anuyway, back to my original point.....no opinions or judgements that anyone could have about my current sad life....could even come CLOSE to those i have of myself. My therapist doesn't like me to use the phrase "white trash" as he says it's just as deamening as saying the 'N' word about an African American. I see his point, but...i'm talking about myself here and that is truely how i feel about my current life and environment. Disgusting all the way around.
And....thankfully i was able to stop gambling last month quite easily and with few cravings after 3-4 days....BUT it took about 1.5 weeks for me to not be somewhat affected when driving past the biggest one, that's on the highway heading toward my doc appoints in the city each week. But, my point actually is this....
Ever since my firing, it's been very emotionally hard for me to drive past the downtown area in the city where i worked....and it's not avoidable....and it still has a great affect on me. Monday, i realized that it was a phyisical set of buildings that has a muchhhh greater affect on me than any casinos!!! I mean, several of the last times driving to or back from the city....i actually didn't even NOTICE the giant casino with all the flashing lights!!! (I feel awsome about realizing that i've been able to do that!) But, the downtown tall buildings will likely have a negative hold on me for years, if not for the rest of my time here.
Even comercials showing the area in the background make me more depressed...and even televised big basketball games downtown....if i stop on the channel for a moment, it's usually not long before my eyes get drawn to the line of photographers sitting along the edge of the court. That stings pretty good. i mean, even tho i only got to cover a few while at my last paper...i know i would have easily been able to shoot 1-2 or more games this season....and i would have LOVED it!! Sports are very enjoyable to me thru my lens...and these games are about the biggest in town. So those missed opportunities and photos saddens me.
Heck, even some boring PRESS CONFRENCES make me sad!!! I don't watch the news much unless there really isn't anything else on....but when a t.v. station reports on a big business press conference or similar event....it is another constant reminder of the life and job i had...and how horrid things have turned out from being fired for my mental illness.
I went from the world of dinners and meetings with millionaires and billionairs to counting pennies for dollars to get food at the grocery store...and soon to apply for food stamps and any other government funded programs that might help.
And perhaps this drastic change would be easier to get thru if i had a boyfriend to do things with and cuddle with or turn my attention to when feeling down and in my pity-pot. But i don't have that and really, the hardest part is how long it's been since i have. Which is why i let loose and drunk and flirty with all the gay and straight boys at the halloween party. But, that is all now 11 days past and the brief enjoyments of that night have mostly faded into reality. Don't get me wrong....i still remember it all fondly, but the brief, self-esteem 'high' i got from it is 99% gone now. And with my current appearence and situation...i'm not going to get to experience anything like that anytime soon.
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different subject....Tena, i don't want you to feel like you are going to be working for me or anything like that. I don't want to feel that way either. We are partners. And actually you are the only one who has been activily working toward our goals! All I've done is buy 1/2 a camera set up for me to be able to work with.
I don't know of any relationships, with friends or romantic, that don't have ups and downs and often get to a point of total frustration and resentment. i don't want that to happen with our friendship, but i do admit i am concerned about the long-term. Not b/c of you, but because of my own past with unsuccessful close relationships of all kinds. Which is also why i don't want us to work or live in any situation where one of us feels we are carrying more of the weight or responsibilties. i want to keep that line as level as possible between us...and i want us to work as sisters to make sure we keep an eye on that and keep things equal.
I am already fearful of how i'm going to repay you for any of your loving gifts and helps. And i know you say you are not worried about it, but i know that i HAVE to be. If i wasn't then that would mean i would be taking advantage of you and you would eventually become resentful of all your enormous efforts with little return. We are both codie's and so i think we also have to keep an eye on that aspect and how it might could cause any issues to arise in the long-run. Basically, i don't want to feel so hugely endebted to you and i don't want you to end up feeling the opposite.
I think if we keep an eye on balance that we can be successful in everything we've planned and more. And we both know that will require lots of communication, which i don't see being any kind of problem for us two! lol
i love you my dear sister and i'd rather look as far down the road as we can, rather than possibly having to look back and try to figure out what might have gone wrong. Prevention is always best. I'm pretty certian you'll agree.
Now, where it comes to your daughter or sister or anyone, you can tell them i will NEVER kick you out or purposely hurt you or anything close! As far as i am concerned, i wouldn't even have any right to kick you out. This is 'our' shack!
We are sisters and real sisters in spirit like you and i ....stick by each other and look out for each other. And i wouldn't dream of purposefully acting in any other way.
jenna
p.s. on a different note...my appetite had come back for a few days, but has disappeared again since yesterday or the day before. Mom even asked if i'd eaten all yesterday and i said 'no' and she said she'd made home-made potatoe soup if i wanted to come over. I usually would have jumped on such, but i would have had a hard time eating anything. Today has been no different. I did have a cup of cereal after first waking today (i don't use bowls, they spill to easy lol) and i think i had 1 cookie.
i have been sort of hungry feeling in my stomach for a bit today, but when i try to think of what i could eat...nothing sounds appetizing...not even the bakery peanut butter cookies or the half of a fudge cake i have left from a few days ago. nothing. If my mouth didn't get so dry from chain smoking (up to nearly 2 packs a day recently) then i'd rarely even drink liquids).
I have to somehow learn to have a better acceptance of myself that i am ill right now. that this is not me and not my fault (which i know, just can't tell my emotional head to listen!).
I will try again tomorrow to see about admitance to the day-treatment program which would help some in this area of self-hate and disguest.