BUTTERFLY-7

[QUOTE=liveweyerd;1740899]I hate it that you have to wait until June to see the pdoc! Can you call and ask that if they have a cancellation to give you that appointment. The meads, that we all complain about, do make a world of difference.
Frankly, mine keep me alive."Yeah I wish I could, But the way thinks work in the Big great City of N.Y. is way different, especially in the borough where I live at, I how ever don't have medical coverage for allot of reasons,so is a privilege I found this small town clinic,with at low cost,they did how ever gave me a walk in mental Hospital clinic to get free access to get medicated right there on the double,I haven't been able to,go my husband budget It's not even enough to go from here to around the corner, especially now that we just got married on January, the rent, the cable, the phone, our cell phones, his car fair, food, man It takes a told on us we haven't even been able to go out of town on a nice dinner, but It's O.K.One day at a time I have to remind my self and Keep that upfront there are worts people I'm Bless.Thanx liveweyerd for Listenen

BUTTERFLY-7

I'm Growing in patience God Help me cause only he knows the mental, and emotionally, dessert I find my self in I'm just tire of this low energy I want to go out at least to take a walk is like putting one leg, and forcing the other one, no desires whats so ever and It's weird cause I could advice many people and I love what I do Helping others stay alive, and clean, but sometimes this motor gives up on me,, and I need some strength and advice, so yeah I'm asking for some advice, and support, I'm so sad cause I taught that It was my Imagination that I'm O.K. but It really has taking a told on me, I wake up to reality every morning when I got to force my self to even carry out to do the most meanamess of chores around the house, It sucks I feel very week most of the time, I'm wondering could it be cause I'm only three months clean and my mine, and body, hasn't adapted to sobriety I don't know I just want my energy level back, I'm not exaggerating I don't want to do anything and It's like I got to force my self, God Help me,If anyone could reply much deeply appreciated,I know It's cause of my chemical dis Balance(Bipolar) and I'm also anemic,I know those play a true factors in my life and to top it of kill most of all my brain cells with drinking, and drugging, so yeah I'm feeling lousy today

barb dwyer

hi guys!

believe it or not - there was a huge thing on
(of all people the one I most love to hate)
Martha Stewart
on GOATS MILK AND CHEESE!!!
Cracked me up....
put me in mind of the 'townies' though!

Hope all are doing well -

Butterfly -
if you can at all -
try to keep up with your potassium levels -
meds drain our potassium I learned.
Just a thought with the low no energy thing.

Live !
Good to see ya back!!

NandM -
I FIGURED you were gonna go TOO whole hog with the whole landscaping thing - take it easy willya???

What did *I* accomplish on my days off?
LITTLE.
I was so exausted after two weeks with only two days off - I SLEPT through the first two days off practically.

But I made quite a bit of headway with de-catting the house - and have a pile of laundry that's truly "MIFFIC" in proportions. It's a mountain.

I vacumed till smoke came out of it - and I broke the belt .. so had to quit for a few days till payday anyhow. But the house is a LOT cleaner.

Am on day TWO with no smokes - we'll see how far I get this time. No drugs no 'helpers' this time it's just me doing the stopping. Cravings are about every thirty mins apart - and so far - I've been able to just tell myself it's gonna pass. And it does.

cinderellawkids

Thought of all you this morning as I drove downa busy residential street and couldnt believe my eyes when a saw a goat on the side of the road. So I made a u turn and looked again and sure enough there was a goat in these peoples yard within city limits. Not a usual site here I tell you.

Im doing okay again today, waiting for my flowers to bloom. Also acquired a new pet even stranger than the others, but I love him

nandm

Good to see everyone today.

Cinder, the goat in the road would have been just too much for me. I probably would have had to stop the car for laughing because my mind would be picturing Barb chasing her goats around BP Town.....

They are predicting snow here this weekend, can you believe it? It has been sunny and in the 70's for the past few weeks. Spring should be here and the thought of snow in April, in Oregon, is hard to believe. I think the forcasters might be needing to come check out sober recovery.... lol

Today has been better must be on the upside of this roller coaster, called life. I guess I should enjoy it while it is here... At least I can be fairly productive right now. Which is good since I have a couple of midterms next week. The term is flying by.

I hope everyone is doing well today. I enjoy coming here and reading each of your posts.

barb dwyer

lol!

ya don't have to chase a faint goat - that's one of the beauties - just clap your hands!
They just fall down and wait on ya to catch up.

I know a woman keeps her miniature horses within city limits - because they're technically EXOTIC PETS ... maybe that's how this goat got in?

I love that people are seeing goats - and thinking of ME.

what a HOOT for an ex HORSE trainer.

nandm

........building a horse corral and stalls for Barb's horses.......

Good things building things here in BP Town doesn't take a long time. So Barb what kind of horses are you getting for us. Of course you have to train them unless someone else in BP town knows how. I would love to learn though as horses have always been a passion for me for as long as I can remember. Even had the opportunity to show some during my Jr. High years as my FFA teacher rented our barn and pasture from us and he and his wife let me go to horse shows with them and show. It was great. One of the few really good memories of childhood. Thanks for reminding me......put a smile on my face and a warm feeling in my heart.

barb dwyer

I think ... we should remain eco friendly and labor ... minimal.

let's go with MINIATURES!!!
they're smarter than big horses
(sorry but they ARE)
they're natural healers ...
easy to keep...
and they'll get along with the goats.

We can hitch 'em and do trail drives up into the mtns for picnics...
easy - breezy to train ... smartest ANIMALS I've ever worked with.
Of any species.

And - if we don't feel like driving -
we can put packs on 'em
and they'll carry lunch for those of us with bad backs.
No need to buy horse trailers -
just load 'em into the pickup and head for the hills.

Can't beat 'em!

nandm

Great plan Barb. Between them and the goats we won't even have to worry about mowing lawns as well will just move them around as yards need trimmed. Plus the mini's are cute.

hippyhippy

Hi folks,

loving the image of goats and Barb chasing them! LOL!

Nadm, sounds like your weather is as crazy as here. Usually in Scotland it is coldish at this time of year, but not as blooming cold as it is just now. The skiing resorts are getting a late trade. I am really sick of the weather, it is just so cold all the time.

Cinders, wots your new pet?

Butterfly. Hope things are easing for you hun.

Me....I am still running fast on this blooming thing. I feel so suicidal this morning. Strongest feeling for a long time. I have added cutting to my list of self destructive behaviours. Wot on earth am I like eh....a grown woman....you would think I would learnt better by now eh? It is my daughters birthday this weekend and I will get there, but I am afraid I am going to crash and burn when it is over. I have pdoc today, but I have to tell him about me stopping my meds and he is not going to be a happy man.

Hippy

barb dwyer

hey HIPPY - goodta see ya....

yes it's still cold here too!
so I'm with ya on that one.
Glad to hear you're off to the doc!


Cinders- *I* couldn't see the new pet either - what is it?

I'm glad everyone is so enjoying the thought of me running around chasing goats !

cinderellawkids

Honestly you guys will think Im even more crazy when I tell you. Its a large lizzard called a Savannah Monitor. He's a baby now, looks like a small dinosaur.

I need excitement to keep me from down cycling.

hippyhippy

:ghug2 You guys are my sanity.....here's another one:ghug2!

Barb....when I fly across that Atlantic with my tent and pitch up in BP town, I am gonna be on a constant high watching you and them goats! You make me smile, thank you hunny.

Cinders....I have no idea my sunshine, what a Savannah Monitor is....but tomorow I am gonna google it! And I most certainly don't think you are are crazy.........I am envious!

I am too tired to talk at length but I went to pdoc. He is such a nice man. I can see how one can fall in love with their doc......hee hee...only kidding...he is soooooooooooooooo not my type! Anyway, agreed on a drug regime that is not ideal but it is to try to accomodate my forgetfulness. I see him again soon.

Nite nite....or morning or whatever!

Hippy

barb dwyer

LOL hippy putting the make on yer doc!

Cinderella -
ok a lizard.
I looked 'em up cuz the 'monitor lizard' part caught my attention.
Bout a half a step away from a Kimodo dragon , ain't they?
I picture you walking it with a rhinestone collar -
and freaking my poor goats right the heck OUT!
They're gonna drop like FLIES when they see that coming to visit!

Well, WOULD be day four of no smoking -
but had a smoke this morning -
made me sick and kinda dizzy.

Good lesson for me.
I really DON"T want to smoke any more this time.

But alla same I guess I am back on day one or something like that.
I'm gonna hang around here more often -
until the craving and INTENSITY of the smoking thing wears down a bit.

I had a really hard time sleeping today, so I'm only on about four hours.
That doesn't make for a very balanced barb.

<---- I just love that one!

BUTTERFLY-7

Hi: Yall I don't know were to star, but all I could say is that "I'm Hurting inside so Bad," It's taken my last energy. It's my Brother in-Law, I can't take it no more, I cant stand him, God forgive me I hating so Bad, to the point I wish he was Dead,(I'm just expressing what I'm feeling no need to Alarm!)Hes done it again try to sabotage everything me and my Husband work so hard for, Its like he Ain't got a life so he sprawls on peoples life, me and my husband join this small community church about 3 months ago, he decide to visit the church cause my Husband well tell him how good it is and he star it coming, O.K. he is Bipolar takes klanopin, and other medication, but he abuses from them just to feel hide today you could tell he wasn't his useful self me, and my husband, trying to listen to the service and he is talking behind our back, (he was sitting behind us)Remind you I suffer from anxiety, and PT- SD,ADD,I'm Bipolar Maniac level one, I think I don't even know, and he keeps pulling my husband to talk to answer him questions, and the service It's going on I felt Like I want it the Earth to swallow me, then my Husband got fed up lost all sense of reality and snap at his Brother telling him to wait until the service it's over, and his brother cough a five year old tantrum and forgot that we where in church,and they Both star it going at it, hes brother It's not that much Spiritual, my Husband, It's tender him self, I felt like I fail God, cause I, instead of Been more Spiritual, and Wiser, I let him get the Best of Me to, the Hall Church notice what when on,the Pastor and his Wife, Talk to My Husband, and I Like we no better, and to His Brother was like we Have to Understand Him and ask him for forgiveness, Man It was the hardest thing I ever did because I know deep down inside he was wrong, and he knows what he is doing, he could never see his brother growing, achieving Goals, and been prospered, everything his Brother Has he wants it to, I'm to the point that I began to Hate Him, I can't stand Him, Please God forgive me, then in the other hand I'm so Sad because I felt God, didn't Pass the Grade Level of Spirituality, I felt Him in every sense, accept getting high, or Drinking, but I did Smoke a cigarette, so I'm afraid cause this Attack from the Pitts of Hell, It was to knock me, and my Husband, from our Journey to Sobriety & Spirituality, I been all night just Having the fckess!Like I just Want to drink, my Load Got to Heavy on me, and I know God doesn't Give us enough baggages that we cant Handle, But I just Can't seem to grow in that area of Forgiveness specially when the Person is Wrong, then I got Anger issues man I'm exhausted,I'm embarrassed I don't even want to go to church any more,Please Help Me Anybody some Body I need some advice.

Live

When I first came on here I wanted to jump straight to forgiveness but it doesn't work that way and people told me it was just too soon, I had other things to process first.
Phoooey. I just wanted to get everything over with at once. You asked for advise, mine would be to focus on some unconditional acceptance and self love right now. Just hang in for today.
I have horrible feelings towards my stepson. And that strains my marriage. But I have had to erect and enforce boundaries. Actually I learned those several years earlier and are now pretty easy for me. But it took me years to learn them and I still don't do well with my family, better, but they are my weak spot.
Your God cherishes you and wants the best FOR you, right? Not so much about from you, no one is perfect. It is your intention that matters. Rome wasn't built in a day and we live in a very imperfect world. Your church is important to you, right? So, how could we protect ourselves from getting in this situation again. (I have a good friend who has similar problems in church). I honestly think if he sat near me, I would quietly get up and move, probably to one of the first rows. Forget about what the other members think about that, they are imperfect too. You are there for nourishment and that is a boundary you can establish and not let others interfere. It takes courage to get up and move. People do notice. But you know the truth that you are seeking peace and spiritual strength and it is your right not to let anyone interfere with that. And there will be some who understand that you are trying to avoid a problem and are seeking spirtuality. Who knows, someone there might very much need to see your example? But please don't avoid going....walk in there with the dignity your creator has for you. According to the Bible Jesus was angry quite a few times. I gather that you are a child of God, therefore as it says in the Bible, if we can love our own children so much, think how much more He loves us...it is unfathomable. Hug that thought for awhile, feel the love and tenderness.
Take it easy. You have a full plate. If you have earned guilt, then it is just a lesson, examine the lesson and let go of the guilt, it has done it's purpose by re-focusing for a better way.

I am on an incline out of depression but not actually doing anything...alot of reading...and spurts of trying to put our home into order. I find it so much better on me mentally to have "I did" lists instead of "to do" lists.

Did you have a right to be angry? I very much think so. If I were in a classroom and someone was disruptive, I would expect them to be disciplined because they are interrupting my education. If I am at home reading ethics, spirituality or any other thing of purpose, I would become angry if someone constantly broke my train of thought and learning...if they tried to take the book away from me, I would probably feel like swinging a punch. I hope I wouldn't. But it is disrespectful behavior. And I doubt that he is that interested in the church anyway. If you can find a way to ignore him there......hmmmmmm, I am not AA but I think someone from those groups could speak to the situation of principle before personalities and how their groups have handled things. I sure would be interested to hear it.

BUTTERFLY-7

u So very much Liveweyerd your advice is much need it, and appreciated, I just Finishing posting in the Family&Friends Forum,Because you or History Teach and Best, &Done with it, are the only ones that Reply to my threads, no need to get offended for those that are reading this thread I'm expressing what I feel and have notice, Liveweyerd go see my threads Hardly nooned answers me I'm not looking for sympathy, nor Pitty,or acceptance, but I'm Human too and I also need support, and advice, and for the Pass month is like I been Ignore come on are we here or not, . Liveweyerd

hippyhippy

Butterfly hun,

try not to take it too personal if folks don't reply at length. I for my part, have major concentration probs and find it very difficult to follow a large post. I try, but before I am even half way through, I am losing my place. It doesn't mean I don't care, I just can't grasp specifics. The same comes to replting, I find I can only manage short amounts.
I don't know if this is due to my rapid/mixed mind or meds dulling my brain. I also only really come in here and v. occassionally a couple of other threads.
I wish you well hun. It is a bleeding nihghtmare having the BP, without extra stuff to compound it.
Hippy

PS Live....a postcard will be winging it's way to you soon!

Live

I miss many posts because I do not log on every day, lately it has been every 3-5 days and I went awhile where I didn't for more than a month.
Sometimes I have to take time out to find out what I think and also I can get carried away and spend the whole day and night here and not get anything done, so I have to drop that addiction. But today I feel a bit clear headed and realize that I need to reach out more, as I know a couple of people really well, us having been here a long time, but I have not gotten to know many others. I am an introvert, I am reclusive, I am mentally ill....so stability is my dream, but the roller coaster is my reality. I am socially awkward, therefore it is my deficit that I do not get to know more of the people here. I will be working on that, in baby steps.

BUTTERFLY-7

you hippyhippy and I just fined it weird how so many people reply to others and when I Post my thread It's silence Mode But at the at the Beginning It was different I know what I'm talking about everybody will Reply But I guess thats life and I Apologize for any Inconvenience.