BP Town----Open to anyone who rides the roller coaster
FreeSpirit
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Inside My Spirit
Posts: 1,274
Actually Liveweyerd when I was out there binging, and drugging, and just been a lost child,
But as God grant me a one last more wish, or chance to come to recovery, not so long ago before making my new years resolution to stop this vicious cycle I got connected with my Father side of the family through a family gathering of a family member who pass away my dads sister so this long lost sheep
was able to acquainted with my long lost siblings
at that funeral
God works in mysterious way he has a funny way of making it come to pass, at all places a funeral service,
and my Mom side I was able to connect at the ending of last year around Christmas and new years having my dad live with us my husband, son, and I, I had no choice but to keep posted of my fathers sibling because he is getting ol and I know how much he needs to here from his side of his family and at the same time I did some caching up with my mom side of the family, thats all for now :atv
But as God grant me a one last more wish, or chance to come to recovery, not so long ago before making my new years resolution to stop this vicious cycle I got connected with my Father side of the family through a family gathering of a family member who pass away my dads sister so this long lost sheep
was able to acquainted with my long lost siblings
at that funeral
God works in mysterious way he has a funny way of making it come to pass, at all places a funeral service,and my Mom side I was able to connect at the ending of last year around Christmas and new years having my dad live with us my husband, son, and I, I had no choice but to keep posted of my fathers sibling because he is getting ol and I know how much he needs to here from his side of his family and at the same time I did some caching up with my mom side of the family, thats all for now :atv
Life the gift of recovery!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Home is where the heart is
Posts: 7,061
Didn't know I had emotions until I was in my 30's. Just this year I learned to cry..and that, too, is a gift
There have been so many times I wish I could have just let go and cried but the tears just won't seem to come. Maybe one day that will change. I am hoping the more that I learn to acknowledge my feelings and accept them the more likely I will be able to express them better. I am thankful my partner is so understanding. I am truly blessed in that respect as nearly all of my previous relationships were based on a broken picker, wound up being abusive and disrepectful.
Life the gift of recovery!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Home is where the heart is
Posts: 7,061
Originally Posted by BUTTERFLY-7 
Nandm It's a Girl It took me by surprise I always taugh Nandm was a male :sorry but 
It took me by surprise I always taugh Nandm was a male :sorry but 
nandm actually originate out of M & M my favorite candy. It was supposed to be M and M but when I first tried that user name on another site years ago it was taken so I changed it to N and M. Was close enough for me. It just wound up sticking as I have used it pretty much since then as a user name for sites. By the way M & M's are great to eat right before a test, they raise the blood sugar just enough to get the brain cells kicking in. I eat them before nearly every test. .....sometimes I would hate to think of how bad I would have done without my M&M's......lol
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
Thank you both for sharing and opening up so that we can know each other.
I didn't know you were out binging, Butterfly...anywho isn't it great that you are getting with family? Wow, I admire you. I don't think I could manage the stress of moving any of my family members in my home, esp the parents even tho' that is the kind and moral thing we are taught to do and I wish I could, if it were needed. But my mom and dad take really good care of each other and enjoying there retirement and relationship the best they ever have. Going out dating! Isn't it sweet?! Do you want to be called Lisa or Butterfly?
Okay now I can remember it is nandm, having it explained. Thank you for sharing. Ulcers at 6? You must have been in a really messed up situation! I developed chronic daily headaches and migraines around 13. My childhood is so strange because really I had a very privileged upbringing, my father was an educator and alot of fun and loves to travel and every night at dinner which mom provided everything perfectly on schedule for us at promptly 5pm each evening with a home cooked meal we discussed what we had learned or were interested in that day. No substance abuse problems or instability at all. It's the insidous subtlety of emotional damage due to ignorance or fear, on my mother's part jealousy towards me because she was not being nourished and did not feel at home discussing academics and just their ignorance of emotional nurturance. I taught my dad to let me give him a hug and it still doesn't come easy to him in my 30's. Only recently do I tell my parents and they tell me I love you. Everyone did what they were supposed to just none of us knew about emotions, so they were swirling around invisibly but having impact nonetheless. If it weren't for my mental illnesses I probably would never have had to address it. My two siblings are achievers, that is what we were taught to be. As the eldest a great burden was put on me to become highly educated at least one PHD and a gifted success. I have failed to live up to my family's expectations. But my siblings have been extremely successful and my brother has honors that no one has achieved in the Navy at such a young age ever before. My sister has the money to do anything with and the social skills to mix with famous people perfectly, she is a world traveler as are her children. She has gifted all of us with travels. I am poor as a church mouse and not working. HMMM. Am I sure that it isn't all in my head? We all wonder? Uh, yeah it is, my head doesn't work right. When I tell Dad that it is genetic he says he doesn't doubt that but he won't tell me anything else about that. the great mystery.
That crash sounds horrible. I am so glad that you survived it because you are a gift and I know you had to learn it the hard way, somehow or the other. I think it is menopause that has finally allowed me to cry! So my first memory is of being toilet trained (how Freudian!) and being traumatized by a certain situation. So I have got 47 years worth of crying to catch up with. I have periods where I cry everyday and I don't know why I am crying. But it's about time, I know that for sure! I am so happy that you have a good supportive relationship with your other half. That's one of the best blessings in the world!
I am supporting myself today by using the computer and hanging out here at SR all day, today. It is working today. The day has flown by with no damage. And it has been a gift, giving and receiving support, and getting really acquainted. I hope more will introduce themselves as we are a community of support, WOW! Look what has been created!
I didn't know you were out binging, Butterfly...anywho isn't it great that you are getting with family? Wow, I admire you. I don't think I could manage the stress of moving any of my family members in my home, esp the parents even tho' that is the kind and moral thing we are taught to do and I wish I could, if it were needed. But my mom and dad take really good care of each other and enjoying there retirement and relationship the best they ever have. Going out dating! Isn't it sweet?! Do you want to be called Lisa or Butterfly?
Okay now I can remember it is nandm, having it explained. Thank you for sharing. Ulcers at 6? You must have been in a really messed up situation! I developed chronic daily headaches and migraines around 13. My childhood is so strange because really I had a very privileged upbringing, my father was an educator and alot of fun and loves to travel and every night at dinner which mom provided everything perfectly on schedule for us at promptly 5pm each evening with a home cooked meal we discussed what we had learned or were interested in that day. No substance abuse problems or instability at all. It's the insidous subtlety of emotional damage due to ignorance or fear, on my mother's part jealousy towards me because she was not being nourished and did not feel at home discussing academics and just their ignorance of emotional nurturance. I taught my dad to let me give him a hug and it still doesn't come easy to him in my 30's. Only recently do I tell my parents and they tell me I love you. Everyone did what they were supposed to just none of us knew about emotions, so they were swirling around invisibly but having impact nonetheless. If it weren't for my mental illnesses I probably would never have had to address it. My two siblings are achievers, that is what we were taught to be. As the eldest a great burden was put on me to become highly educated at least one PHD and a gifted success. I have failed to live up to my family's expectations. But my siblings have been extremely successful and my brother has honors that no one has achieved in the Navy at such a young age ever before. My sister has the money to do anything with and the social skills to mix with famous people perfectly, she is a world traveler as are her children. She has gifted all of us with travels. I am poor as a church mouse and not working. HMMM. Am I sure that it isn't all in my head? We all wonder? Uh, yeah it is, my head doesn't work right. When I tell Dad that it is genetic he says he doesn't doubt that but he won't tell me anything else about that. the great mystery.
That crash sounds horrible. I am so glad that you survived it because you are a gift and I know you had to learn it the hard way, somehow or the other. I think it is menopause that has finally allowed me to cry! So my first memory is of being toilet trained (how Freudian!) and being traumatized by a certain situation. So I have got 47 years worth of crying to catch up with. I have periods where I cry everyday and I don't know why I am crying. But it's about time, I know that for sure! I am so happy that you have a good supportive relationship with your other half. That's one of the best blessings in the world!
I am supporting myself today by using the computer and hanging out here at SR all day, today. It is working today. The day has flown by with no damage. And it has been a gift, giving and receiving support, and getting really acquainted. I hope more will introduce themselves as we are a community of support, WOW! Look what has been created!
FreeSpirit
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Inside My Spirit
Posts: 1,274
Liveweyerd and here I just to wonder maybe If my Mom, and Dad, weren't divorce and my mom wouldn't wasted her life on Alcohol my life would of been betterbecause everything you describe about how your would have dinner ready and ask what was done during the day is what I want it to here when I came from school, well I guess this disease just show its true nature once more it doesn't care where you grow up at, or what teachings we had, or if our parents were not addicts.
in my family we were though children are to be seen but not to be heard Man been raise by my two grandmas and aunts and cousin I felt like the lost puppy I guess it did affect it me seen all my cousin with there mom and me alone It did some how affect it me
and to Nandm l.o.l .:rof I'm laughing because every time I want it to reply back to you I had a hard Time remembering how to spell your post name and now that you reveal to us the true nature of were is originated comes from who would of taught M&M my favorites
just yesterday me and my husband we were on our way home from the medicaid office to aply for him-
and in side the train we get alot of walking vendors some sale bootleg movies(copy movie CD'S)and we have the Asians every type of race you name it trying to survive and make a extra buck
and this teenager passes with a big box of M&M candy and he was selling it for a dollar those are my favorites before I came to recovery and to S.R. I was working for this fashion designer clothing store, and the manager he always just to buy them M&M from this group of two little sister and a brother
in NY city every body is selling a little bit of something l.o.l .
hippy
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: UK
Posts: 492
Hi folks,
Butterfly, I am glad you got appt brought forward hun. I am so fortunate in that respect that if I was ill and needing a prescription fast, my pdoc or one of his colleagues would see me within a couple of days. I am also thankful for not having to worry about cost of my meds as I only pay a yearly fee of £100, the govt picks up the rest (paid for by national health contributions though!)
LOL, I originally thought Nadm was a male too! I once had a male friend called Nadeem and I assumed it was pronounced the same!
Live, your grandson sounds delightful! Must be hard being away from him. I wish you well in your journey (withdrawals) hunny, and hope you manage through to your pdoc appt.
Nadm, your experience sounds horrific. No wonder it stays with you. You must have been so scared.
just come back from art therapy. The woman who runs it spoke to me about my frame of mind and it is so reflective of what you guys are saying here , about not being able to cry and stuff. I feel this big flood behind my eyes and I cannot let it go. At therapy last week, I got close but managed not to. It's not the whole British stiff upper lip syndrome as I was never brought up to believe in that crap. But I do think a damn good cry might help.
I see some of you have swapped names, real names. Don't be offended by my unwillingness to do so. Unfortunately when I am ill, I get paranoid and I think my healthprofessionals and work colleagues are spying on me and as I have a fairly unusual name, I thinnk they will know it is me and either get me sectioned (put in hospital against my will) or lose my job! I didn't say it was rational....but there it is! If I ever have cause to pm you, I will share my name then!
To share a little bit of my history and let you know a bit about me and possibly why I am the way I am. I am the child of two alcoholic parents....mother never accepted that....it was always dads fault. They binge drank so for several weeks we (my brother and I) had great parents....we were poor but happy. They were intelligent, loving people. Then for a bout a week they would drink from dawn til dusk, shouting, screaming, fighting, throwing things. My mother would take us with her to other drinking buddies where we were kept up until all hours even though we were desperate for sleep. She would take us on a bus to my grans and forget to feed us. We would eat out of the local chip shop if we were lucky. In drinking times we were still loved, but uncared for. Our parents really were Jekyll and Hyde.
My brother was 7 yrs older, so I got the best deal in a way, cos he looked out for me and often he would feed me, clothe me, look after me, cuddle me when I was frightened and basically retain some normality for me. Then he went and died. I was 12, he was 19. Biggest trauma in my life.
Life after that became hell. Absolute hell. Drinking times overode the sober times and my parents hurt so so so badly but so did I and no one ever asked. I also had to carry the 'secret' of them being alcoholics alone, I couldn't talk to anyone about home life as that would be disloyalty.
I used to stand outside the bathroom where my mother had locked herself in and I believed she was going to commit suicide...I would scream and beg her to come out.
So this was life until my 20's and my dad got cancer which stopped them driking and I left home. I have been with my husband in all of those 13 years since and I think my demons are just coming to the fore now.
Like Live says
my mother too is 70, or will be soon and I am not going to hurt her. I have said to her in the past (when I have also been drinking) things that have hurt me, but I feel no need to hurt her. She was ill and suffering.
I just need to find a way through my mess.
Hope this is ok sharing all this. I am in a very peculiar mind frame today.
Hippy
x
Butterfly, I am glad you got appt brought forward hun. I am so fortunate in that respect that if I was ill and needing a prescription fast, my pdoc or one of his colleagues would see me within a couple of days. I am also thankful for not having to worry about cost of my meds as I only pay a yearly fee of £100, the govt picks up the rest (paid for by national health contributions though!)
LOL, I originally thought Nadm was a male too! I once had a male friend called Nadeem and I assumed it was pronounced the same!
Live, your grandson sounds delightful! Must be hard being away from him. I wish you well in your journey (withdrawals) hunny, and hope you manage through to your pdoc appt.
Nadm, your experience sounds horrific. No wonder it stays with you. You must have been so scared.
just come back from art therapy. The woman who runs it spoke to me about my frame of mind and it is so reflective of what you guys are saying here , about not being able to cry and stuff.
There have been so many times I wish I could have just let go and cried but the tears just won't seem to come. Maybe one day that will change.
I see some of you have swapped names, real names. Don't be offended by my unwillingness to do so. Unfortunately when I am ill, I get paranoid and I think my healthprofessionals and work colleagues are spying on me and as I have a fairly unusual name, I thinnk they will know it is me and either get me sectioned (put in hospital against my will) or lose my job! I didn't say it was rational....but there it is! If I ever have cause to pm you, I will share my name then!
To share a little bit of my history and let you know a bit about me and possibly why I am the way I am. I am the child of two alcoholic parents....mother never accepted that....it was always dads fault. They binge drank so for several weeks we (my brother and I) had great parents....we were poor but happy. They were intelligent, loving people. Then for a bout a week they would drink from dawn til dusk, shouting, screaming, fighting, throwing things. My mother would take us with her to other drinking buddies where we were kept up until all hours even though we were desperate for sleep. She would take us on a bus to my grans and forget to feed us. We would eat out of the local chip shop if we were lucky. In drinking times we were still loved, but uncared for. Our parents really were Jekyll and Hyde.
My brother was 7 yrs older, so I got the best deal in a way, cos he looked out for me and often he would feed me, clothe me, look after me, cuddle me when I was frightened and basically retain some normality for me. Then he went and died. I was 12, he was 19. Biggest trauma in my life.
Life after that became hell. Absolute hell. Drinking times overode the sober times and my parents hurt so so so badly but so did I and no one ever asked. I also had to carry the 'secret' of them being alcoholics alone, I couldn't talk to anyone about home life as that would be disloyalty.
I used to stand outside the bathroom where my mother had locked herself in and I believed she was going to commit suicide...I would scream and beg her to come out.
So this was life until my 20's and my dad got cancer which stopped them driking and I left home. I have been with my husband in all of those 13 years since and I think my demons are just coming to the fore now.
Like Live says
She is 70 now and I am not going to break her bubble and make her know reality, it would harm her, it's too late.
I just need to find a way through my mess.
Hope this is ok sharing all this. I am in a very peculiar mind frame today.
Hippy
x
FreeSpirit
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Inside My Spirit
Posts: 1,274
I'm sorry for always putting this (wow image) but I stay speechless hippy and here I though that I had it roughIt just bought tears to my eyes God Bless you Buddy
oh and my dream is to go to U.K I love the British accent
there are 3 country's that I will like to visit.
1)U.K
2)Israel(Jerusalem)
3)Costa Rica(which is were I'm originated from)
and many other country's but those are my most main ones.
and to NadM God Bless you child with what you've been through It's funny how yawl spoke about not been able to cry, and here I'm wishing that I wouldn't feel any emotions whats so ever I'm like a broken faucet, I can't stop crying even in a movie or any sentimental t.v. show I will cry weather of sadness or joy I guess,I'm to sensitive I hated
I don't like been too emotional it gives power to people to see right through you and they could use your kindness for weakness but it's in my nature to b sweet and kind(I'm not trying to praise my self but thats who I'm)
I have the same problem hippy hippy in where I start panicking about people conspiracing against me, and plotting, to do me harm where those that come from man!
I'm a member of a small local community church and
I bee thinking they want to brain wash me, and captivate my mind, and make me think, like them, and be like them, Dude it's-
so Bad that I star it not trusting nooned there specially the Pastors Wife Why! I'm like that that's not normal Dude and if I tell anyone they will lock me up in a Looney Ben,lol
FreeSpirit
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Inside My Spirit
Posts: 1,274
Man I'm so tense it's
my local community church I had ask for them
to do me a special service at my home
my problem lately it's become the Pastors wife and some other member and elder they are to strict and they can't see by pass the horses ass (sorry God)
the Lady Pastor she is nice don't get me wrong but even in our best intentions we mess up and I just feel
that she is not open minded she is to disciplinary dude to the point that I'm feeling like I'm dawning
like It's it me that only has this ability to see pass the horses ass or am I wrong and I do need to lock up
when I see her or come across in-contact with her she just brings this fear on me that I loose all sense of me and my believe and what I stand for
my spirit shots down and it hides and I star getting all of this negative emotions tour's her and It's funny cause when I enter that church we where like mother and daughter,
Please some one Help me tour's this thread and Reply to me what it's it about her I disagree with her now after been so close at one point of my God giving existent life.:praying
my local community church I had ask for them
to do me a special service at my home
my problem lately it's become the Pastors wife and some other member and elder they are to strict and they can't see by pass the horses ass (sorry God)
the Lady Pastor she is nice don't get me wrong but even in our best intentions we mess up and I just feel
that she is not open minded she is to disciplinary dude to the point that I'm feeling like I'm dawning
like It's it me that only has this ability to see pass the horses ass or am I wrong and I do need to lock up
when I see her or come across in-contact with her she just brings this fear on me that I loose all sense of me and my believe and what I stand for
my spirit shots down and it hides and I star getting all of this negative emotions tour's her and It's funny cause when I enter that church we where like mother and daughter,
Please some one Help me tour's this thread and Reply to me what it's it about her I disagree with her now after been so close at one point of my God giving existent life.:praying
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: my own little world
Posts: 9,071
I havent been here in BP town much, Ive been flip flopping all over and overspending compulsively. (sad I have nothing to show for it) so today Im down on myself and trying to curb my spending before I have nothing to spend for necessities.
Between spending sprees Ive been down and malencholy. Hope to get some real rest and relaxation this weekend and tend to some plants and gardening as that helps me refresh
Between spending sprees Ive been down and malencholy. Hope to get some real rest and relaxation this weekend and tend to some plants and gardening as that helps me refresh
hippy
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: UK
Posts: 492
butterfly hunny,
it sounds to me as though you have someone in your life who meant a whole load when you first met her cos you were so vulnerable. I can liken it to me meeting my mental health nurse when I came out of hospital, I wanted and needed her.
You are getting stronger, even if you don't believe it and finding your own mind and courage to disagree with her. I do likewise with my mental health nurse and ask her not to come to me anymore.
We can have conflicts of mind with people sweetheart, even in the house of god. It is you who is giving yourself a hard time I think over being human. Be kind to yourself!
Cinders, I hope you get down to that relaxation this weekend!
Hippy
it sounds to me as though you have someone in your life who meant a whole load when you first met her cos you were so vulnerable. I can liken it to me meeting my mental health nurse when I came out of hospital, I wanted and needed her.
You are getting stronger, even if you don't believe it and finding your own mind and courage to disagree with her. I do likewise with my mental health nurse and ask her not to come to me anymore.
We can have conflicts of mind with people sweetheart, even in the house of god. It is you who is giving yourself a hard time I think over being human. Be kind to yourself!
Cinders, I hope you get down to that relaxation this weekend!
Hippy
Life the gift of recovery!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Home is where the heart is
Posts: 7,061
So good to see everyone today.
Live, a postcard in on its way. I put stamps on the other 5 five and will keep them in my car and send one off every now and then. I hope they brighten up your day when you need it. I will trust my intuition about when to send them. That works for me with a friend that I consider to be very spiritual, when I am feeling low it seems I either get a phone call, or a letter, or simply just see her in an AA meeting out of the blue. She always lightens my spirit and reminds me to trust in my HP and clean house and life will be what it is supposed to be. It is funny because we can go for months without contact but there she is when I need that reminder the most. I hope I am able to pass that along to you.
Butteryfly, I am sorry for your struggle with the pastor's wife and your church. Having a spiritual connection in life can be so important. Although I myself am not a religious person and do not go to church I do believe that a contact with a Higher Power can really help us in this life. I wish I had some great experience to share with you about what is going on but don't.
Hippy, no problem about not sharing your common name. I kind of like your user name; it makes me picture this long haired nature loving, wild dressing person, with a love of the simple things in life. I am fortunate that I do not experience the paranoia aspect of the disease except on rare occassions when the PTSD comes into complicate things and then it tends to be directed at men in power over me whether it is percieved or real. I tend to get quite bull headed during those times. Guess it stems from having a pedophile for a father. I am so glad that you and Live have the attitude of not rubbing your parents nose in their past as at this point you both are right there is nothing productive that would come of it.
Cinder, good to see you here. I too go through those insane spending sprees when my BP is not well under control. I have learned that when I start into one of those phases I have to give my partner my bank card and have her give me an allowance each week so I don't wind up spending money I do not have. I hate the self loathing and fear I feel after having had an episode then suffer for months because I don't have any money.
Live was talking about migraines in childhood. She reminded me that I started having them at an early age. I can clearly remember my first one. I thought I was dying. I was around 5 or 6. It was my parents anniversary and some people from the church were giving them a surprise party. I could hardly move, my head hurt so bad, I couldn't see clearly because the light made my head feel worse. I got in trouble because I didn't appear "happy" enough, was called a hypochondriac and told I was just trying to spoil their party. I grew up being called a hypochondriac because of my constant stomach problems and migraines. It was to the point that they did not believe me when that my stomach hurt until one day I would not get out of bed or get out of a fetal position. Then they took me to the doctor. My appedix had burst, I went in for emergency surgery. But still wound up hearing that hypochondriac word used on me.
Emotions, what a loaded topic. We were not allowed to show them. We were expected to be seen and not heard. Put on the happy family face for church. Have all the appearances that life was good. But we would get in trouble for laughing or crying while watching tv. Would get in bigger trouble for crying if we got in trouble. I hated to get to the point of crying where you can't breathe and the breaths seem to come in big gulps. I finally learned how to master control of those by the time I was 9 or 10. The down side is that I think that control and the constant reinforcement of it is why I can not cry today. I know that releasing emotions is a positive thing when done in a constructive way. I do hope that one day I will be able to do that. It did come in handy though to be emotionally cut off while I was working as a paramedic. It helped me not to get caught up in the drama of the situation, was able to keep a cool head under pressure. Made me quite good at my job. I am fortunate for that. It is time in life now though to learn how to process emotions rather than feel like an empty robot with no emotional conception. I am getting there, I just have to be patient.
Enough about me. I am sure enjoying getting to know each of you a little more. BP town has been a blessing to me. I love our little community here and am thankful for each of you in my life. Thanks for being here.
Judith
Live, a postcard in on its way. I put stamps on the other 5 five and will keep them in my car and send one off every now and then. I hope they brighten up your day when you need it. I will trust my intuition about when to send them. That works for me with a friend that I consider to be very spiritual, when I am feeling low it seems I either get a phone call, or a letter, or simply just see her in an AA meeting out of the blue. She always lightens my spirit and reminds me to trust in my HP and clean house and life will be what it is supposed to be. It is funny because we can go for months without contact but there she is when I need that reminder the most. I hope I am able to pass that along to you.
Butteryfly, I am sorry for your struggle with the pastor's wife and your church. Having a spiritual connection in life can be so important. Although I myself am not a religious person and do not go to church I do believe that a contact with a Higher Power can really help us in this life. I wish I had some great experience to share with you about what is going on but don't.
Hippy, no problem about not sharing your common name. I kind of like your user name; it makes me picture this long haired nature loving, wild dressing person, with a love of the simple things in life. I am fortunate that I do not experience the paranoia aspect of the disease except on rare occassions when the PTSD comes into complicate things and then it tends to be directed at men in power over me whether it is percieved or real. I tend to get quite bull headed during those times. Guess it stems from having a pedophile for a father. I am so glad that you and Live have the attitude of not rubbing your parents nose in their past as at this point you both are right there is nothing productive that would come of it.
Cinder, good to see you here. I too go through those insane spending sprees when my BP is not well under control. I have learned that when I start into one of those phases I have to give my partner my bank card and have her give me an allowance each week so I don't wind up spending money I do not have. I hate the self loathing and fear I feel after having had an episode then suffer for months because I don't have any money.
Live was talking about migraines in childhood. She reminded me that I started having them at an early age. I can clearly remember my first one. I thought I was dying. I was around 5 or 6. It was my parents anniversary and some people from the church were giving them a surprise party. I could hardly move, my head hurt so bad, I couldn't see clearly because the light made my head feel worse. I got in trouble because I didn't appear "happy" enough, was called a hypochondriac and told I was just trying to spoil their party. I grew up being called a hypochondriac because of my constant stomach problems and migraines. It was to the point that they did not believe me when that my stomach hurt until one day I would not get out of bed or get out of a fetal position. Then they took me to the doctor. My appedix had burst, I went in for emergency surgery. But still wound up hearing that hypochondriac word used on me.
Emotions, what a loaded topic. We were not allowed to show them. We were expected to be seen and not heard. Put on the happy family face for church. Have all the appearances that life was good. But we would get in trouble for laughing or crying while watching tv. Would get in bigger trouble for crying if we got in trouble. I hated to get to the point of crying where you can't breathe and the breaths seem to come in big gulps. I finally learned how to master control of those by the time I was 9 or 10. The down side is that I think that control and the constant reinforcement of it is why I can not cry today. I know that releasing emotions is a positive thing when done in a constructive way. I do hope that one day I will be able to do that. It did come in handy though to be emotionally cut off while I was working as a paramedic. It helped me not to get caught up in the drama of the situation, was able to keep a cool head under pressure. Made me quite good at my job. I am fortunate for that. It is time in life now though to learn how to process emotions rather than feel like an empty robot with no emotional conception. I am getting there, I just have to be patient.
Enough about me. I am sure enjoying getting to know each of you a little more. BP town has been a blessing to me. I love our little community here and am thankful for each of you in my life. Thanks for being here.
Judith
FreeSpirit
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Inside My Spirit
Posts: 1,274
Originally Posted by cinderellawkids
I havent been here in BP town much, Ive been flip flopping all over and overspending compulsively. (sad I have nothing to show for it) so today Im down on myself and trying to curb my spending before I have nothing to spend for necessities.
Between spending sprees Ive been down and melancholy. Hope to get some real rest and relaxation this weekend and tend to some plants and gardening as that helps me refresh
Between spending sprees Ive been down and melancholy. Hope to get some real rest and relaxation this weekend and tend to some plants and gardening as that helps me refresh
too man even if it was 5 dollars just to indulge in my obsessions I will find a second hand store and most of
those second hand stores
have very good authentic designers cloths Man
righ now I have 20 dollars to my name
and I was going to the second hand store
Its around the corner from where I live
to top it off but I will go tomorrow
I have to clean the House
My Pastor and his wife and some members are coming tonigh
to do me a small service God Help me:rof
Life the gift of recovery!
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Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Home is where the heart is
Posts: 7,061
If you get a chance to read the "Facing Life's Challenges" thread for April 21 it is well worth the read. Have a great day I am off to my Marine Biology class.
FreeSpirit
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Inside My Spirit
Posts: 1,274
Originally Posted by hippyhippy
butterfly hunny,
it sounds to me as though you have someone in your life who meant a whole load when you first met her cos you were so vulnerable. I can liken it to me meeting my mental health nurse when I came out of hospital, I wanted and needed her.
You are getting stronger, even if you don't believe it and finding your own mind and courage to disagree with her. I do likewise with my mental health nurse and ask her not to come to me anymore.
We can have conflicts of mind with people sweetheart, even in the house of god. It is you who is giving yourself a hard time I think over being human. Be kind to yourself!
Cinders, I hope you get down to that relaxation this weekend!
Hippy
it sounds to me as though you have someone in your life who meant a whole load when you first met her cos you were so vulnerable. I can liken it to me meeting my mental health nurse when I came out of hospital, I wanted and needed her.
You are getting stronger, even if you don't believe it and finding your own mind and courage to disagree with her. I do likewise with my mental health nurse and ask her not to come to me anymore.
We can have conflicts of mind with people sweetheart, even in the house of god. It is you who is giving yourself a hard time I think over being human. Be kind to yourself!
Cinders, I hope you get down to that relaxation this weekend!
Hippy
at the right time and with
such profoundness,of example like your Nurse
because thats how I actually see the wifes of the Pastors
and the elders lady's like the Spiritual nurses
and 3 weeks ago she sat me down and told me how proud she is of me
because of my summation to God and the leaders
and how I was dead or sleeping in a coma (meaning
when I was lost drinking, and drugging,)
and that God woke me up and brang me back to life
which is very true and that I'm not
ready to be Invited to preach at no one's church
because there were certain Ministers saw how God uses me and they had offer me
to preach in there churches
and how I'm not ready cause I'm a baby learning how to crawl which is true but like you said as time pass
I'm growing Strong and very smart in Gods likeness and
wisdom and knowledge so now
I don't depend on her that much and she has no Idea that soon
I'm ready to Fly and the way she gave it to me cut and dry
about me been dead and now been giving life through Christ
Why? is it she can now detect in that exquisite manner that she had
describe it to me to
understand that I'm growing
and soon I will be giving wings?
hippy
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: UK
Posts: 492
I don't depend on her that much and she has no Idea that soon
I'm ready to Fly and the way she gave it to me cut and dry
about me been dead and now been giving life through Christ
Why? is it she can now detect in that exquisite manner that she had
describe it to me to
understand that I'm growing
and soon I will be giving wings?
I'm ready to Fly and the way she gave it to me cut and dry
about me been dead and now been giving life through Christ
Why? is it she can now detect in that exquisite manner that she had
describe it to me to
understand that I'm growing
and soon I will be giving wings?
Hippy
x
FreeSpirit
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Inside My Spirit
Posts: 1,274
Originally Posted by nandm
If you get a chance to read the "Facing Life's Challenges" thread for April 21 it is well worth the read. Have a great day I am off to my Marine Biology class.
and anything that has to do with nature
Man to me It's like been next to God
He is the creater of it all God Bless you
NANDM I will be :praying for you to
make it farder then you could Imagene Kiddo.
This is my Favorite of them all
in my family s country which is Costa Rica there are thousand of this Baby's
when I live in my Country Before I was brang here
My grandma will always cook turtle eggs
dude they are delicious Man.
and I like turtles cause they remind me of me Slow lol:rof
and the movie NeMo the Australian turtles
FreeSpirit
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Inside My Spirit
Posts: 1,274
Originally Posted by hippyhippy
People do one of two things. They let the baby fly the nest or they try to clip their wings. Both can be done with best intentions, both can be done with love. Seeing someone you have cared for need you less, can be really hard. It serves a need in people to be needed, but often they are blissfully unaware of this. Yet on the other hand, they can push their dependents to do things too quickly. You need to find your line with this woman. Let her care but not smother.
Hippy
x
Hippy
x
my problem is I don't know How to stand up
and face my fears Maybe I do
is just avoiding the uncomfortable situation
Because just last night in Bible class
we where talking about the Book of
Revelation and I don't know why we
Got to the topic of judging and
understanding God's process and the Male
Pastor just snap at me for no giving reason
and insinuated that I was
bringing another topic to the table and where is this coming from
what I
m trying to get at and all I was doing was speaking
or adding to what was been spoken I guess hes conscious eat him up or he felt guilty of something,
Man I dont quit cause It was God that call me not Man
Jesus didn't quit he took every beating that came his way
so I carry my cross
I want to become a Good minister and Leader For God.
:atv
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Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: my own little world
Posts: 9,071
Butterfly Ill have to share my turtle picture collection with you some day. I have 5 freshwater turtles, who were once small, but not quite now. This weekend we went to a local marine rehabilitation place and watched them release a 175 pound loggerhead he was beautiful.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Inside My Spirit
Posts: 1,274
Yeah: Liveweyerd you took the words right out of my mouth
I Love anything that has to do with sea animals,
and earth animal,
I live 10 minutes away from the Zoo It's call the Bronx Zoo
I call yesterday to work Volunteer this summer for me, and my son Adam, he is 16 years old
and Cindi,I always want it a big beautiful fish tank with a beautiful color light
so I could sit in the middle of my living room and just contemplated
and Relax
I thanx God for you Guys cause with yous I learn and grow
God knows 3 months ago I wasn't thinking like this,God is Good.
I'm starting to wake up to nature and wild life
weather be on earth or over sea or under sea
and finding it very interesting to catch up to
everything this excruciating disease stoled from me
I Love anything that has to do with sea animals, and earth animal,
I live 10 minutes away from the Zoo It's call the Bronx Zoo
I call yesterday to work Volunteer this summer for me, and my son Adam, he is 16 years old
and Cindi,I always want it a big beautiful fish tank with a beautiful color light
so I could sit in the middle of my living room and just contemplated
and Relax
I thanx God for you Guys cause with yous I learn and grow
God knows 3 months ago I wasn't thinking like this,God is Good.
I'm starting to wake up to nature and wild life
weather be on earth or over sea or under sea
and finding it very interesting to catch up to
everything this excruciating disease stoled from me
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