Humiliated and hurt
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Join Date: Feb 2024
Posts: 4
Humiliated and hurt
I’m so humiliated by what’s happened I can’t bring myself to tell a single person and so have no one to talk to about this. It’s a long read, I’m sorry.
I met my ex 3 years ago. When we met he was in recovery from alcohol and drug addiction, which worried me a bit, but he seemed fine and everything was great, I’d had no experience of it whatsoever so I was very naive. I also always felt a huge amount of respect for those that are able to get their life back together, the strength it must take to get there, so in some ways it made me respect him more. But also, though I’m told I’m an attractive woman, I struggle very much with building strong connections with men because of my own issues, and he was the first man ever to cross over that line to be with me, so I allowed it. I’m in my mid thirties, but he was the first and only man I’ve ever loved. Our conversations were instantly fluid, we deeply understood each other and we felt like best friends and lovers. I think we saw each others pain and helped each other feel better. I have always felt separate from everyone else, always felt different and like no one ever really understood me. This has made me feel very alone throughout my life, no matter where I am or who I’m with, I have always felt a deep gnawing loneliness. He was the only person ever to take this feeling away. He made me feel so seen and understood and loved for what he saw in me. No other man has ever done that.
He told me when we were first together that he had been sober for 7 years. After several months together he had a slip and this turned in to a full blown relapse after he lost his job. He kept trying to get back on his feet, he easily got new jobs, but then quickly lost them because he couldn’t control his addictions. I stood by him, had him stay with me, he wasn’t allowed to drink or use around me but he would go out to other places to do this. I desperately tried to get him help but without him wanting it it was useless, he wouldn’t even go to meetings. This all came to a head one night when he came back in very bad state and was in psychosis which was pointed at me. It was terrifying. He had me trapped in my bedroom for what felt like hours accusing me of horrific things and threatening me. Thankfully, by the grace of God, I was able to escape and call the police, or I don’t know what would have happened. He was unbelievably remorseful and this triggered him to get clean and sober again. He went to meetings and got a job in another town and everything seemed to be getting much better. But then we broke up, he said because distance made it hard, but I’ve always thought I didn’t know the whole truth. He relapsed quite quickly and lost his job. We didn’t speak for 8 months but then he started calling me in tears about what had happened with us. He was not clean or sober despite trying. Eventually he moved to the other side of the country but we spoke all day every day. Long long phone calls, texts etc. He was trying to get back on his feet again but struggling, I felt like I was a light for him. I never had gotten over my love for him and this contact brought it all back for both of us. He asked many many times for me to go see him but I refused with him in that state and said he had to get better for there to be any chance. He started telling me that I was the love of his life, that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me and for me to be the mother of his children (I know), and he wanted to get well and build this life with me. His friends and family were telling me he was saying all of this to them too and I foolishly believed it and wanted it too. Through a lot of work me and his best friends managed to convince his parents to pay for him to go to rehab. He lasted 2 out of 4 weeks. He called me saying he had been discharged for inappropriate behaviour with the opposite sex, he said it was some conspiracy by a woman he turned down in there. I didn’t believe him. This was humiliating enough and I told him. He promised he was going to another rehab to finish his time off and that this wasn’t the end of it. While he was waiting to sort this out he went to visit a friend in the town over. That’s when he started ignoring me. Two days later I find out he is with a woman that his parents suspect he met in rehab and they are running back to his council flat together, he refused to go to the new centre that had been organised for him and his parents lost the rest of their money. I have heard no word from him, no response whatsoever. He wouldn’t answer my calls and I’m sorry to say I went a bit crazy over texts. I wanted a reaction, I wanted him to block me. I was so angry and disgusted. How could he do this to me and his family! But he wouldn’t even do that. Just, nothing. This was a few days ago now. I hear he is back at the flat. His family are disgusted with him and have blocked him, his friends are also disgusted. For his treatment of me and that he has thrown all that money away with no regard or remorse for anyone or anything and gone back to the life he so desperately wanted to get away from. He used to call me in tears begging me to get him out of that place. This was his lifeline.
I do not want anything to do with a man that can do all of this. I do not want a relationship with a man in active addiction. But I can’t help feeling heartbroken. Despite everything he’s still been my best friend, there were plenty of sober conversations where the real him was visible, I let myself get so attached to the idea of the life we were going to live and the person he was going to be. I wanted so much to believe it was all true. All the things he said to me were all the things I ever wanted to hear. All I’ve ever wanted was to feel loved. The night before he saw this woman he was saying I was the best thing that ever happened to him (he often said this) and that he wanted me in the rest of his life no matter what. But he also got upset with me because I’m always holding back how I feel. He said he just wanted to feel wanted and that I gave him nothing back, that made me feel bad for him and understand a little more about what happened in rehab. I do hold back but it’s for my own protection, we aren’t in a relationship and I needed to see what happened before I let my guard down. But I just feel so hurt about how I’ve been treated. How could he do this to me. After everything I had done for him, all the energy and love I poured in to him and getting his life back, and he won’t even say a word to me. Won’t even acknowledge my existence. It’s so cruel. I am very grateful that I have been saved from what could have been an awful life, and for the opportunity to try and find something better, I know he has set me free. But I’m just so humiliated and hurt over it all. How could I have put so much faith, energy and love in someone, fought so much for someone, that could drop me like this without a care.
I just needed to get this out of my system, it feels like it’s rotting my heart and my chest. I’m so humiliated I can’t bear to turn to anyone about it. How do I recover from this? I have been treated poorly by men my whole life, my father included. I feel so alone.
I met my ex 3 years ago. When we met he was in recovery from alcohol and drug addiction, which worried me a bit, but he seemed fine and everything was great, I’d had no experience of it whatsoever so I was very naive. I also always felt a huge amount of respect for those that are able to get their life back together, the strength it must take to get there, so in some ways it made me respect him more. But also, though I’m told I’m an attractive woman, I struggle very much with building strong connections with men because of my own issues, and he was the first man ever to cross over that line to be with me, so I allowed it. I’m in my mid thirties, but he was the first and only man I’ve ever loved. Our conversations were instantly fluid, we deeply understood each other and we felt like best friends and lovers. I think we saw each others pain and helped each other feel better. I have always felt separate from everyone else, always felt different and like no one ever really understood me. This has made me feel very alone throughout my life, no matter where I am or who I’m with, I have always felt a deep gnawing loneliness. He was the only person ever to take this feeling away. He made me feel so seen and understood and loved for what he saw in me. No other man has ever done that.
He told me when we were first together that he had been sober for 7 years. After several months together he had a slip and this turned in to a full blown relapse after he lost his job. He kept trying to get back on his feet, he easily got new jobs, but then quickly lost them because he couldn’t control his addictions. I stood by him, had him stay with me, he wasn’t allowed to drink or use around me but he would go out to other places to do this. I desperately tried to get him help but without him wanting it it was useless, he wouldn’t even go to meetings. This all came to a head one night when he came back in very bad state and was in psychosis which was pointed at me. It was terrifying. He had me trapped in my bedroom for what felt like hours accusing me of horrific things and threatening me. Thankfully, by the grace of God, I was able to escape and call the police, or I don’t know what would have happened. He was unbelievably remorseful and this triggered him to get clean and sober again. He went to meetings and got a job in another town and everything seemed to be getting much better. But then we broke up, he said because distance made it hard, but I’ve always thought I didn’t know the whole truth. He relapsed quite quickly and lost his job. We didn’t speak for 8 months but then he started calling me in tears about what had happened with us. He was not clean or sober despite trying. Eventually he moved to the other side of the country but we spoke all day every day. Long long phone calls, texts etc. He was trying to get back on his feet again but struggling, I felt like I was a light for him. I never had gotten over my love for him and this contact brought it all back for both of us. He asked many many times for me to go see him but I refused with him in that state and said he had to get better for there to be any chance. He started telling me that I was the love of his life, that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me and for me to be the mother of his children (I know), and he wanted to get well and build this life with me. His friends and family were telling me he was saying all of this to them too and I foolishly believed it and wanted it too. Through a lot of work me and his best friends managed to convince his parents to pay for him to go to rehab. He lasted 2 out of 4 weeks. He called me saying he had been discharged for inappropriate behaviour with the opposite sex, he said it was some conspiracy by a woman he turned down in there. I didn’t believe him. This was humiliating enough and I told him. He promised he was going to another rehab to finish his time off and that this wasn’t the end of it. While he was waiting to sort this out he went to visit a friend in the town over. That’s when he started ignoring me. Two days later I find out he is with a woman that his parents suspect he met in rehab and they are running back to his council flat together, he refused to go to the new centre that had been organised for him and his parents lost the rest of their money. I have heard no word from him, no response whatsoever. He wouldn’t answer my calls and I’m sorry to say I went a bit crazy over texts. I wanted a reaction, I wanted him to block me. I was so angry and disgusted. How could he do this to me and his family! But he wouldn’t even do that. Just, nothing. This was a few days ago now. I hear he is back at the flat. His family are disgusted with him and have blocked him, his friends are also disgusted. For his treatment of me and that he has thrown all that money away with no regard or remorse for anyone or anything and gone back to the life he so desperately wanted to get away from. He used to call me in tears begging me to get him out of that place. This was his lifeline.
I do not want anything to do with a man that can do all of this. I do not want a relationship with a man in active addiction. But I can’t help feeling heartbroken. Despite everything he’s still been my best friend, there were plenty of sober conversations where the real him was visible, I let myself get so attached to the idea of the life we were going to live and the person he was going to be. I wanted so much to believe it was all true. All the things he said to me were all the things I ever wanted to hear. All I’ve ever wanted was to feel loved. The night before he saw this woman he was saying I was the best thing that ever happened to him (he often said this) and that he wanted me in the rest of his life no matter what. But he also got upset with me because I’m always holding back how I feel. He said he just wanted to feel wanted and that I gave him nothing back, that made me feel bad for him and understand a little more about what happened in rehab. I do hold back but it’s for my own protection, we aren’t in a relationship and I needed to see what happened before I let my guard down. But I just feel so hurt about how I’ve been treated. How could he do this to me. After everything I had done for him, all the energy and love I poured in to him and getting his life back, and he won’t even say a word to me. Won’t even acknowledge my existence. It’s so cruel. I am very grateful that I have been saved from what could have been an awful life, and for the opportunity to try and find something better, I know he has set me free. But I’m just so humiliated and hurt over it all. How could I have put so much faith, energy and love in someone, fought so much for someone, that could drop me like this without a care.
I just needed to get this out of my system, it feels like it’s rotting my heart and my chest. I’m so humiliated I can’t bear to turn to anyone about it. How do I recover from this? I have been treated poorly by men my whole life, my father included. I feel so alone.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2023
Posts: 134
My dear,
You are unwilling to share your story with anyone because you feel ashamed. You feel that there must be something deeply wrong with you that you had this long and confusing and terrifying and painful experience with a man you loved.
But, Willow, your story is not at all unique. You are one of many thousands, millions, of people who have loved someone in active addiction, and the small details of your story may differ, but the syndrome does not. I call it a syndrome because the patterns are not only all the same, they are inevitable.
Nothing in your brief time on this earth trained you or prepared you in any way to be able to cope with the experience of loving an addict. There is nothing wrong with you. What you did was what millions of other good people do: you projected your own fine qualities onto another person. You projected your capacity for intimacy, trust, honesty, loyalty, and steadfastness onto another person. A person who, over time (time is necessary for how else would you know) revealed to you (through events, and without events, how would you know) that he was in REALITY not who you believed him to be.
People in active addiction are narcissistic---they want you to meet their needs and if you don't, they will find subtle or blatant ways to DIMINISH you. They are liars. They are manipulative. They are sometimes violent. And they are profoundly good actors.
Your sweet intimate loving times with him were possible because he was enjoying it. He was enjoying you, your company, your attention, the pink clouds of romance and revelation. He was enjoying it, and all of his hungry endorphins which crave drugs were using the experience of you to boost his dopamine. It felt really good to him. And to you as well, because, Willow, humans are designed to naturally feel pleasure when they feel love and believe they are loved. Your own feelings were completely normal. And your disillusionment about him would be inevitable. But not until there were events which you had to experience, evaluate, and accept as real.
There is nothing wrong with you. Being guarded is all right, it is all right you are waiting for the right person for you. This is who you are. Be proud of who you are. Be proud to be careful about who to trust and who to love.
You think you are shameful because you loved someone who betrayed you on every level (including the threat of physical assault). But I can assure you there are hundreds, or will be, people who read your story here and will say, "Me too."
As you think over what has happened, be as realistic and objective as possible. Ask yourself: "Am I really to blame for that incident? For that night? For that other thing that happened?" If you are realistic and completely objective, you will see that you have nothing to be guilty for (you did nothing wrong) and nothing to be ashamed of (you are not a fool: you were fooled.There are few people on the planet who are never fooled).
Because you are isolated, you are believing your experience was unique. It was not, and you can take real comfort in that. I hope you will.
You are unwilling to share your story with anyone because you feel ashamed. You feel that there must be something deeply wrong with you that you had this long and confusing and terrifying and painful experience with a man you loved.
But, Willow, your story is not at all unique. You are one of many thousands, millions, of people who have loved someone in active addiction, and the small details of your story may differ, but the syndrome does not. I call it a syndrome because the patterns are not only all the same, they are inevitable.
Nothing in your brief time on this earth trained you or prepared you in any way to be able to cope with the experience of loving an addict. There is nothing wrong with you. What you did was what millions of other good people do: you projected your own fine qualities onto another person. You projected your capacity for intimacy, trust, honesty, loyalty, and steadfastness onto another person. A person who, over time (time is necessary for how else would you know) revealed to you (through events, and without events, how would you know) that he was in REALITY not who you believed him to be.
People in active addiction are narcissistic---they want you to meet their needs and if you don't, they will find subtle or blatant ways to DIMINISH you. They are liars. They are manipulative. They are sometimes violent. And they are profoundly good actors.
Your sweet intimate loving times with him were possible because he was enjoying it. He was enjoying you, your company, your attention, the pink clouds of romance and revelation. He was enjoying it, and all of his hungry endorphins which crave drugs were using the experience of you to boost his dopamine. It felt really good to him. And to you as well, because, Willow, humans are designed to naturally feel pleasure when they feel love and believe they are loved. Your own feelings were completely normal. And your disillusionment about him would be inevitable. But not until there were events which you had to experience, evaluate, and accept as real.
There is nothing wrong with you. Being guarded is all right, it is all right you are waiting for the right person for you. This is who you are. Be proud of who you are. Be proud to be careful about who to trust and who to love.
You think you are shameful because you loved someone who betrayed you on every level (including the threat of physical assault). But I can assure you there are hundreds, or will be, people who read your story here and will say, "Me too."
As you think over what has happened, be as realistic and objective as possible. Ask yourself: "Am I really to blame for that incident? For that night? For that other thing that happened?" If you are realistic and completely objective, you will see that you have nothing to be guilty for (you did nothing wrong) and nothing to be ashamed of (you are not a fool: you were fooled.There are few people on the planet who are never fooled).
Because you are isolated, you are believing your experience was unique. It was not, and you can take real comfort in that. I hope you will.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2022
Posts: 28
Hey everything you wrote has me in tears, because I am in the same situation. Some days are better than others, but won't lie that are mostly bad. I promise it will get better, and even though you make feel ashamed and/or embarrassed like I do many times as well. I will tell you what my therapist said to me "Did you love him?" "Did you try your best?" "Did you let him know that as long as he continued to use he can not be in your life?" "Then there is nothing to be ashamed of, you were a honest person in love showing love and compassion to another human being if they did not want to appreciate that, then that is not on you. You did nothing wrong." I hope these words help you as much as they help me.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2021
Posts: 127
This is so very similar to My situation. I understand your words and the varying degrees of heart ache and pain and anger. I also met a aover alcoholic but he was hiding a crack addiction. He worked. Earned well. Was unfortunately in and out of jobs due to back pain and getting sacked for stupid stuff. I also went into it thinking he'd turned himself around. I was quite happy to be by his side and proud of the sobering he had. But it was a lie.
Sadly I'm still with him but haven't seen him for 3 weeks. Their words mean nothing because they can change and take it away. Everytime they stumble again they cause chaos. Ive had the women stuff. Exes. Dating sights. Money issues. Selling stuff. Lying about his wearabouts. All whilst promising me we will get there. I now realise we aren't headed anywhere that I wanna go. He won't ever be in a place to love together or pay 50/50 with me. He won't ever be responsible and care about My kids.
They are forever chasing a thrill. Excitment. Something new. Because they are forever screwing up and disappointing the ones that truly love them. The new woman is currently making him feel good. Until her bottle is over flowing with his toxic behaviours and she also becomes like you. Concerned. Disappointed and loosing her belief. Not to mention that she's also an addict so they will be a sticky toxic mess from the word go.
I don't have the answers. I'm.atill trauma bonded and trying to find him again. But i truly get you.
Sadly I'm still with him but haven't seen him for 3 weeks. Their words mean nothing because they can change and take it away. Everytime they stumble again they cause chaos. Ive had the women stuff. Exes. Dating sights. Money issues. Selling stuff. Lying about his wearabouts. All whilst promising me we will get there. I now realise we aren't headed anywhere that I wanna go. He won't ever be in a place to love together or pay 50/50 with me. He won't ever be responsible and care about My kids.
They are forever chasing a thrill. Excitment. Something new. Because they are forever screwing up and disappointing the ones that truly love them. The new woman is currently making him feel good. Until her bottle is over flowing with his toxic behaviours and she also becomes like you. Concerned. Disappointed and loosing her belief. Not to mention that she's also an addict so they will be a sticky toxic mess from the word go.
I don't have the answers. I'm.atill trauma bonded and trying to find him again. But i truly get you.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2024
Posts: 4
Lucy, thank you so much for your kind words. They really helped, and meant a lot. You’re right, I do feel an incredible amount of shame, even though I know it’s not mine to feel. I just can’t get my head around it all. I cannot believe this has happened. He wanted rehab so much, he wanted to get his life back, I can’t understand why he threw it all away. Well I can, it’s self destruction, but it’s just hard to accept having had the conversations we had and all the work we put in to get him there. He was on the phone to me in tears begging me to get him out of that flat and in to rehab, he was suicidal, and I got him out of there and he threw it in my face and ran right back? It’s exasperating.
Thank you for sharing Justforme and Strawbs, and for the support. Im sorry this is something we all are going through here, even if it is a comfort to me - no one around me has any experience of this and even if I was to share what happened with them, it would only isolate me further. It’s not something I think anyone from the outside can possibly understand.
I heard from his family that this woman is already gone (surprise). He tried to call me the last couple of nights. I ignored him the first night, but for some reason I picked up last night, I don’t know why because I didn’t even want to. He was drunk and hearing his drunk voice brought up all the anger over the hurt he has caused. I told him I would only speak to him when he’s sober. He didn’t even apologise, showed no remorse whatsoever and seemed to think he could just pick me up where he left off. It’s wild and infuriating. The two times he has hurt me in the past he has come back grovelling. This time he just doesn’t really care. He’s never treated me like this in the past. I could always feel his care for me. But then I was thinking last night how far removed he is now from the man I met. Addiction has a really tight grip around him now and it’s claiming more and more of who he is. I feel so sad and scared about that but I know I have nothing more I can give. I can’t keep trying to save him. I keep telling myself to use this opportunity to elbow myself out of this before I get dragged back in again. That makes me feel so cold to say that, but I keep feeling like I have to save myself.
Thank you for sharing Justforme and Strawbs, and for the support. Im sorry this is something we all are going through here, even if it is a comfort to me - no one around me has any experience of this and even if I was to share what happened with them, it would only isolate me further. It’s not something I think anyone from the outside can possibly understand.
I heard from his family that this woman is already gone (surprise). He tried to call me the last couple of nights. I ignored him the first night, but for some reason I picked up last night, I don’t know why because I didn’t even want to. He was drunk and hearing his drunk voice brought up all the anger over the hurt he has caused. I told him I would only speak to him when he’s sober. He didn’t even apologise, showed no remorse whatsoever and seemed to think he could just pick me up where he left off. It’s wild and infuriating. The two times he has hurt me in the past he has come back grovelling. This time he just doesn’t really care. He’s never treated me like this in the past. I could always feel his care for me. But then I was thinking last night how far removed he is now from the man I met. Addiction has a really tight grip around him now and it’s claiming more and more of who he is. I feel so sad and scared about that but I know I have nothing more I can give. I can’t keep trying to save him. I keep telling myself to use this opportunity to elbow myself out of this before I get dragged back in again. That makes me feel so cold to say that, but I keep feeling like I have to save myself.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2022
Posts: 28
Hey, because it is true. You do have to put yourself first. I know it hurts, it's still taking me a long time to accept that my bestfriend, father of my kids is gone, but even if I didn't have our children I'm learning I have a family of my own and people who do love me. That I am hurting by letting myself eat, breath, sleep for someone who is incapable of loving and respecting me. Someone who would put me through immense amount of pain, shame, and humiliation just so that they can do want they need to do to run from their own pain. Do not feel cold. You are doing it for you, to better yourself. When he treats you like that it's not for him, it's because of his addiction. Again. Bad days will be more then the good ones but the good ones will start coming. I don't even take it day by day. I take it an hour at a time, and just always try to do the next right thing.
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