Hey everything you wrote has me in tears, because I am in the same situation. Some days are better than others, but won't lie that are mostly bad. I promise it will get better, and even though you make feel ashamed and/or embarrassed like I do many times as well. I will tell you what my therapist said to me "Did you love him?" "Did you try your best?" "Did you let him know that as long as he continued to use he can not be in your life?" "Then there is nothing to be ashamed of, you were a honest person in love showing love and compassion to another human being if they did not want to appreciate that, then that is not on you. You did nothing wrong." I hope these words help you as much as they help me.