My dear,
You are unwilling to share your story with anyone because you feel ashamed. You feel that there must be something deeply wrong with you that you had this long and confusing and terrifying and painful experience with a man you loved.
But, Willow, your story is not at all unique. You are one of many thousands, millions, of people who have loved someone in active addiction, and the small details of your story may differ, but the syndrome does not. I call it a syndrome because the patterns are not only all the same, they are inevitable.
Nothing in your brief time on this earth trained you or prepared you in any way to be able to cope with the experience of loving an addict. There is nothing wrong with you. What you did was what millions of other good people do: you projected your own fine qualities onto another person. You projected your capacity for intimacy, trust, honesty, loyalty, and steadfastness onto another person. A person who, over time (time is necessary for how else would you know) revealed to you (through events, and without events, how would you know) that he was in REALITY not who you believed him to be.
People in active addiction are narcissistic---they want you to meet their needs and if you don't, they will find subtle or blatant ways to DIMINISH you. They are liars. They are manipulative. They are sometimes violent. And they are profoundly good actors.
Your sweet intimate loving times with him were possible because he was enjoying it. He was enjoying you, your company, your attention, the pink clouds of romance and revelation. He was enjoying it, and all of his hungry endorphins which crave drugs were using the experience of you to boost his dopamine. It felt really good to him. And to you as well, because, Willow, humans are designed to naturally feel pleasure when they feel love and believe they are loved. Your own feelings were completely normal. And your disillusionment about him would be inevitable. But not until there were events which you had to experience, evaluate, and accept as real.
There is nothing wrong with you. Being guarded is all right, it is all right you are waiting for the right person for you. This is who you are. Be proud of who you are. Be proud to be careful about who to trust and who to love.
You think you are shameful because you loved someone who betrayed you on every level (including the threat of physical assault). But I can assure you there are hundreds, or will be, people who read your story here and will say, "Me too."
As you think over what has happened, be as realistic and objective as possible. Ask yourself: "Am I really to blame for that incident? For that night? For that other thing that happened?" If you are realistic and completely objective, you will see that you have nothing to be guilty for (you did nothing wrong) and nothing to be ashamed of (you are not a fool: you were fooled.There are few people on the planet who are never fooled).
Because you are isolated, you are believing your experience was unique. It was not, and you can take real comfort in that. I hope you will.