Holdingtogether

Hello all. I am new here and have been browsing the forums. I suppose I am here to share my experience and get words of wisdom. I feel awfully alone. My bf of the last 4 years has disappeared. He had been sober for over a year, and then disappeared in October for 5 days. When he finally reached out, he admitted his relapse and said he realized he did not want to live that way. I was 8 months pregnant at the time, with 2 other children at home. He seemed to be okay, and then once again disappeared for 5 days when our son was 10 days old. I was devastated, it was a lot to handle. He came back again, and said he wanted to go get help. Quite honestly I didn't believe him. I thought he was using it as an excuse to stay out. I told him I understood if he needed help, but I wasn't putting my life on hold again. He decided to stay home and go to church as part of his recovery. He had a lot of stress, he found out his grandmother is in declining health, she is his favorite person. He admitted to having a drink one night and said he wanted to be honest, he had been thinking of drinking every day since the first one. Typically drinking leads to his DOC crack. Normally I react angrily. I have a lot of my own unresolved pain and resentment and am working through that. Instead of getting angry, I got quiet. He said he knew I was disappointed. I told him I was disappointed in myself for not listening to my intuition. We left it at that. A few days later we were talking on the phone while he was at work. He asked me to hold off on grocery shopping until he got out because he knows it's overwhelming for me with 3 kids. He apologized for not being around all day to help me more. I told him it was no big deal, I understand that he has to work. So he tells me him and a Co worker are making a delivery and he will be back at the shop a little late . I pick him up everyday. So about an hour after his workday ends I try reaching him to see if he was ready. He didn't respond. I went to his job and was told he left early and didn't have a delivery that day. He clocked out 20 minutes after talking to me. He also left his phone behind, he's never done that before. He had actually just paid his phone bill that morning, making it even more strange. That was January 18th and no one has heard from him since. A missing persons report was filed. I am terrified every single day that he will die and I won't know. I have no family other than my children, addiction took the lives of my parents and siblings, and I have no friends. I'm overwhelmed at home and constant fear and sadness isn't helping. A month feels so long. I'm not sure what I'm looking for, maybe just hoping someone else has been in this situation. Thanks for reading

trailmix

Hi holdingtogether. I'm so sorry you are in this situation, this is really stressful, as you know.

I'm also sorry you have no support nearby. Well you have us and I would also suggest looking up either Al Anon or Nar Anon meetings, those are support groups for family and friends of alcoholics and other drug addicts.

Al anon has online meetings for sure, since it is probably hard for you to get out to a meeting with the kids.

He was obviously up to something other than what he told you that day, no doubt to do with drugs. He may be just fine, or not, but there is nothing you can do about that. Your worry is wasted. I know 100 percent that me saying that doesn't stop the worry, however, a different perspective might help.

I don't know how long he was an addict before he was sober for a while (if he was), but keep in mind that a drug lifestyle is a risky lifestyle. Does that mean something terrible happened to him? No. What it does mean is that he is used to this lifestyle he is used to taking care of himself in what can be really shady situations, so it's not like sending a lamb out in to the unknown.

He lied to you the day he disappeared and who knows how many lies he told before that.

It sounds like he was telling you he was using or was certainly about to.

Many addicts just up and leave, not all certainly, but many (and perhaps not that many without a word). His first allegiance is to his DOC, not you, not the kids, not work, not even himself - his drugs. Above everything.

He can stay and try to be a responsible father or he can take off and drug at will with no responsibility. You have to wonder why he would leave his phone behind when he never does that.

You know, there is also an organization called ACOA - adult children of alcoholics and other dysfunction. The reason is, of course, is that growing up in dysfunction has long term consequences. It's perhaps not just chance that you ended up with an addict that doesn't treat you very well?

Maybe take this time right now to focus your energy back on yourself. Take good care of yourself, maybe journal, seek therapy if that's available and try to attend some Al Anon meetings?

Holdingtogether

Thank you for your response. I will definitely look into online meetings. I've been reading "codependent no more" and it's been very helpful. I definitely know he's been struggling. And I now believe he was drinking for the four days prior to disappearing. I really think his decision to run happened very quickly. The phone is odd and scared me. My thoughts were maybe he was suicidal and left the phone as he had no intention of returning. Morbid thought, but mentally he's been in a tough place. And I know the added guilt of leaving his child may be enough to push him over the edge. He may also have simply forgotten the phone and didn't want to return to get it. Normally when he leaves he ignores my calls and texts until he's ready anyway. He's definitely resourceful so I know he can survive in the streets. I'm more concerned he's on a path to die by his own doing. I know there's absolutely nothing I can do about it. He's always in my thoughts but I'm managing to get through the days doing what I need to for the kids. I just need a sounding board and the support this wonderful group provides.

trailmix

Yes, it's really good to get your thoughts and worries out and shared with others who understand.

You might also want to look at the Friends and Family of alcoholics forum, or even post there as well if you like. There is another poster there who, while now divorced from his wife still has that same struggle of fearing that she is going to kill herself drinking (and the effect it will have on their child, if she does).

That forum is here and the post is titled Getting this off my chest:

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ly-alcoholics/

LucyIntheGarden

Hello Holding,

I think he planned a crack run (with a friend) and purposely left his phone behind so you could not bother him or interrupt his using. Addicts really hate it when somebody looking for them messes up their high. My guess is that he's in a crack house. And has enough money to keep the drugs going a while longer. I do not sense a suicidal person from what you described. I don't sense a bottoming out from your description.

You very much need support, you need help in taking care of your children, and I think you could call the minister of the church you attended with your boyfriend and ask for help finding social services for yourself. Your situation is desperate, with a small baby and two other children to care for, and no family and no friends. My hope is that the minister will compassionately hear your situation, and connect you with others who can help rescue you from your isolation.

There is a book by William Cope Moyers called "Broken." He was a crack addict and abandoned his wife and children many times to disappear into crack houses. Maybe you can find a copy and educate yourself about the realities. We are all so naive about the realities until we hear an addict's story.

It takes maturity, patience, dedication, and selflessness to parent a baby. All of which your boyfriend is quite incapable of. And I am sorry, I don't mean to cause more pain, but crack addicts have such a strong sex drive when using, and when he returns, you will be at risk of sexually transmitted diseases. You won't be able to trust he will be honest with you.

My heart goes out to you. As a mother, you must find your inner warrior and do what you must to protect your children.

Holdingtogether

Thank you for your feedback. I will look into the book you suggested. He had less than 100 dollars, I know because I checked his bank account. He got paid the day before and gave me the money toward rent and household needs. I'm very aware of the risky sexual behaviors. I've been with him 4 years buy I've known him for over 30. And when he is high, he detests physical touch. Not to say it couldn't happen, but it's not at the top of my list of worries. I wouldn't be intimate with him until he saw a doctor. I also assume he is in a crack house somewhere. My fears are more based around the possibility he will commit a horrible act of violence or hurt himself. He has been very depressed and spoke often of feeling out of control in his mind. Seeing his grandmother and her decline, had a profound impact. I realize it's all out of my control. I can only control myself and I'm doing my best. It's just incredibly difficult to accept that he may never return. He has always been my best friend and now we share a son. It hurts to think of my child never getting the opportunity to know their dad.