Lost part 2
Member
Join Date: Sep 2023
Posts: 267
Thank you! I feel like a drug addict myself quitting cold turkey and it’s been hard. But I haven’t caved and unblocked and too be honest I am feeling better. In some ways I was addicted to him. Maybe even addicted to the chaos - my life is very quiet now. Which I love but it’s also strange. It’s funny how we can get entrenched in other peoples chaos? My new saying is “not my circus, not my monkeys”. 🙈
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: German Village, Columbus with my love ♥
Posts: 88,532
Yeah, that's a good one, for sure. A very dear friend of mine taught me that saying. 
And it is strange, I know, but in a good way.
When I moved to the US, I left a circus full of monkeys behind in Australia, and I have never regretted it for a single moment.
And it is strange, I know, but in a good way.
When I moved to the US, I left a circus full of monkeys behind in Australia, and I have never regretted it for a single moment.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2023
Posts: 267
A circus can be entertaining but I don’t want to live there. I don’t know what the rest of my looks like and while I find that terrifying I am grateful it won’t be spent chasing an addict around begging him to love me and act right. So there is that I suppose.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,650
Originally Posted by Lost2011 
A circus can be entertaining but I don’t want to live there. I don’t know what the rest of my looks like and while I find that terrifying I am grateful it won’t be spent chasing an addict around begging him to love me and act right. So there is that I suppose.
It can be terrifying too, to start, over time you may realize that you are ok just as you are and you can manage all by yourself. Now, that absolutely doesn't mean you have to be alone, at all, just that with that foundation, you will always feel confident.
Never underestimate what you have achieved. If you think of it just as - my addict ex left and I'm managing to stop feeling bad slowly, while that's true, that's just a small part of this experience.
You have come leaps and bounds, but you are also doing this on your own. Going to work, providing food and a house for yourself and your kids, having a nice, peaceful, life. That's good enough for now isn't it? You can take your time to heal. There is much more in store for you. Fun, maybe another relationship, meeting new people, viewing the world a bit differently.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2023
Posts: 267
Hi all! Just wanted to pop in and say hi and see how everyone is doing.
I am doing well with the no contact. Had a bit of a slip. He found me one Snapchat and proceeded to message me. I couldn’t resist and engaged in the conversation (stupid me). Ultimately he was looking for money. His truck is being repossessed. Did the whole song and dance about how he misses me and what a mistake leaving was. I am proud to say that I did not lend him any money and of course I haven’t heard from him since. Predictable.
the backslide is no good for me. Every time I engage in any conversation with him I feel like my progress goes backward. It also really highlights the defect in me that I even feel sorry for him. I should be angry but instead I feel bad for him . Sometimes I feel like I have no self respect and I am pathetic. This guys is an a1 loser and yet part of me still yearns for him.
like wtf is wrong with me. I shake my head at my damn self.
anyways hope all you lovely people are well and enjoy the upcoming Easter weekend. Much love xoxo.
I am doing well with the no contact. Had a bit of a slip. He found me one Snapchat and proceeded to message me. I couldn’t resist and engaged in the conversation (stupid me). Ultimately he was looking for money. His truck is being repossessed. Did the whole song and dance about how he misses me and what a mistake leaving was. I am proud to say that I did not lend him any money and of course I haven’t heard from him since. Predictable.
the backslide is no good for me. Every time I engage in any conversation with him I feel like my progress goes backward. It also really highlights the defect in me that I even feel sorry for him. I should be angry but instead I feel bad for him . Sometimes I feel like I have no self respect and I am pathetic. This guys is an a1 loser and yet part of me still yearns for him.
like wtf is wrong with me. I shake my head at my damn self.
anyways hope all you lovely people are well and enjoy the upcoming Easter weekend. Much love xoxo.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2024
Posts: 11
I relate to this so much and spent hours reading your first post the last few days and the replies—they helped me too. You feel the same about your ex as I feel about mine. I cut off contact w/ him for 5 years and stupidly let him back in after he’d been clean 6 months and consistent in his behavior for one month. Introduced our daughter to him (she doesn’t remember meeting him as a baby). Only for him to I believe start using again a few weeks later and lie about it, wiggle out of drug tests he’d been taking almost voluntarily for me each time I’d see him. He has been wanting to even be able to hear anything about his daughter for years now but I kept him out, never trusting him. It was supposedly like a treasure to him to be able to even see her at all and he treated her like that too. And suddenly, he seems high and is acting totally like his old self. All the red flags appear and start flying when the sea had been calm and wonderful for over a month.
And though I know it’s drugs, he denies it and his full reasoning for being sketchy and shady suddenly is bc of me. I’ve placed too much pressure on him and assume the worst due to the past and freak out when I have thought he’s slipping in being on time or anything at all. To start out, I really was being over the top. If he didn’t reply back in 5 minutes I would send a slew of texts like omg where are you? What’s going on? I went back and looked and it was nuts—but bc of what he did to me in the past in my defense. Still, I admitted that to him and stopped acting like that tried to cut him slack unless there was sound evidence. He had shared his location w me and I could always see he was at home at his mom’s. But the real sketchiness came back fast. His public FB suddenly he forgot the password to it and was using one under a weird different name that he even admitted he used to use when he was doing drugs. Said it was only temporary until he could get back in. He walked me through it without me asking and it did look like it wasn’t working. But he is a pro at conning and maybe he did something to make it look like that. Never had his phone on ring, only on silent. Would disappear from our text convos for hours and slowly almost all day. Slept for 13 hours straight every night supposedly. All kinds of other things that he used to do when he was a full blown addict. And he’s on probation until June or July and could be tested at any time and have to go to prison!!! I know addiction is a disease. But it’s still hard for me to understand why you have “everything you’ve ever wanted and a real shot at having a family which I never thought I would and don’t deserve,” and take your hard earned sobriety and just stomp it all out. It makes me so angry and mad and hurt. It breaks my heart for my daughter and I feel terrible I did this to her. I should have known better. I thought he was better and really on the right track. I thought the last 5 years of being a single mom and praying for a miracle for him had finally come true. What an idiot I was.
if he texts me at all now, which isn’t much, it’s to basically say that it’s my fault. He had begun his old ways of starting fights when everything was good and fine with us. If one fight didn’t work, he would try another one. Always saying i hadn’t “changed” and wasn’t willing to “do anything different” and didn’t value his opinion as a father. Total ********. I had listened to any suggestions he had and implemented ones that made sense. He has only suggested two things and told me it wasn’t his place to do that yet that he just wanted to get to know his child. When he was sober that’s what he said. Yet suddenly I needed to change. The issue is that he “has done the hard work and changed but relationships take 2 people changing for the better and I haven’t put in any effort to change myself and am too controlling and overbearing and have problems.” If you had seen all the things and heard all he said to me sober repeatedly for the first month, this is a different person now. Sober he is like a dream come true. More than any man I’ve ever known. He is leaps and bounds above them all when sober. So I feel you because how am I supposed to let go of THAT guy? I know I can’t just have that guy I have to have the addict too, and I can’t allow that in my home with my kids. Nor do I want the life that comes with that. But I’m tired of being alone, and lonely, and pretending I haven’t missed him for years on end. I thought maybe my dream was finally coming true and all the suffering had been worth it, for this. The other part of me knows, like you do too, that what I’ve learned along the way has been worth it and taught me a lot, with or without anything else. And that I deserve better. I know you know that too. But I wish it weren’t so hard to let go. I think I am going to start reading the codependent books as suggested and pray and hope that helps too. I hope it helps you also. Hugs to you and be proud of yourself for going 6 months—that’s not easy, I know. I hope there is a dream guy even better that’s always sober that is out there still for you and I believe he is! 🥰
And though I know it’s drugs, he denies it and his full reasoning for being sketchy and shady suddenly is bc of me. I’ve placed too much pressure on him and assume the worst due to the past and freak out when I have thought he’s slipping in being on time or anything at all. To start out, I really was being over the top. If he didn’t reply back in 5 minutes I would send a slew of texts like omg where are you? What’s going on? I went back and looked and it was nuts—but bc of what he did to me in the past in my defense. Still, I admitted that to him and stopped acting like that tried to cut him slack unless there was sound evidence. He had shared his location w me and I could always see he was at home at his mom’s. But the real sketchiness came back fast. His public FB suddenly he forgot the password to it and was using one under a weird different name that he even admitted he used to use when he was doing drugs. Said it was only temporary until he could get back in. He walked me through it without me asking and it did look like it wasn’t working. But he is a pro at conning and maybe he did something to make it look like that. Never had his phone on ring, only on silent. Would disappear from our text convos for hours and slowly almost all day. Slept for 13 hours straight every night supposedly. All kinds of other things that he used to do when he was a full blown addict. And he’s on probation until June or July and could be tested at any time and have to go to prison!!! I know addiction is a disease. But it’s still hard for me to understand why you have “everything you’ve ever wanted and a real shot at having a family which I never thought I would and don’t deserve,” and take your hard earned sobriety and just stomp it all out. It makes me so angry and mad and hurt. It breaks my heart for my daughter and I feel terrible I did this to her. I should have known better. I thought he was better and really on the right track. I thought the last 5 years of being a single mom and praying for a miracle for him had finally come true. What an idiot I was.
if he texts me at all now, which isn’t much, it’s to basically say that it’s my fault. He had begun his old ways of starting fights when everything was good and fine with us. If one fight didn’t work, he would try another one. Always saying i hadn’t “changed” and wasn’t willing to “do anything different” and didn’t value his opinion as a father. Total ********. I had listened to any suggestions he had and implemented ones that made sense. He has only suggested two things and told me it wasn’t his place to do that yet that he just wanted to get to know his child. When he was sober that’s what he said. Yet suddenly I needed to change. The issue is that he “has done the hard work and changed but relationships take 2 people changing for the better and I haven’t put in any effort to change myself and am too controlling and overbearing and have problems.” If you had seen all the things and heard all he said to me sober repeatedly for the first month, this is a different person now. Sober he is like a dream come true. More than any man I’ve ever known. He is leaps and bounds above them all when sober. So I feel you because how am I supposed to let go of THAT guy? I know I can’t just have that guy I have to have the addict too, and I can’t allow that in my home with my kids. Nor do I want the life that comes with that. But I’m tired of being alone, and lonely, and pretending I haven’t missed him for years on end. I thought maybe my dream was finally coming true and all the suffering had been worth it, for this. The other part of me knows, like you do too, that what I’ve learned along the way has been worth it and taught me a lot, with or without anything else. And that I deserve better. I know you know that too. But I wish it weren’t so hard to let go. I think I am going to start reading the codependent books as suggested and pray and hope that helps too. I hope it helps you also. Hugs to you and be proud of yourself for going 6 months—that’s not easy, I know. I hope there is a dream guy even better that’s always sober that is out there still for you and I believe he is! 🥰
Member
Join Date: Sep 2023
Posts: 267
Thank you. I actually read your thread and it was so damn relatable. I wanted to send a message but wasn’t sure I could add anything of value to you. I am still the thick of it and wrestle with these same things you are dealing with daily. It is so damn hard. My heart breaks for you and your daughter. It’s so hard to hold These two truths in your brain about these guys. I have spent countless hours agonizing over it and berating myself over the pain I caused my own children. I totally agree with you that it is so so hard to let go .Big hugs to you and your daughter . I am glad my story helped and made you feel less alone. At least it wasn’t all for nothing i suppose. ❤️
Member
Join Date: Sep 2023
Posts: 267
Also for the record this forum had also helped
me so much. I have gained so much wisdom and have been given such good advice. I often go back and reread my messages to see how far I have come. Sometimes we can’t see the forest for the trees and having people point out how it actually is and not how my rose coloured glasses are seeing it- is so very helpful.
me so much. I have gained so much wisdom and have been given such good advice. I often go back and reread my messages to see how far I have come. Sometimes we can’t see the forest for the trees and having people point out how it actually is and not how my rose coloured glasses are seeing it- is so very helpful.
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