Bowielover7

I was dating a guy, a great guy. A month in, he admitted to me that he was an abuser of cocaine. I stuck around so I could support him as he started an outpatient program. The program failed and I ultimately stuck around and he ended up checked into an inpatient facility. He is out and has had a hard time back-sliding. I've only spoken to him once since he checked himself out. I know he is sick, but at this point he won't respond to texts (I don't call him) nor has he reached out to me in anyway except for one random selfie at 12:30 in the morning.

I can see on social media he is seeing friends, so I'm left wondering, why me? Why is he isolating from me and ignoring me? I'm very kind, lead a clean lifestyle and only try to help him with my encouraging words and support.

I've never known an addict, but I'm confused and feel like he despises me. I also believe he is actively dating. Trying to make sense of how he managed to be so kind, asked me to stick around why he got well and now has written me off. He's obviously been an addict the entire time, why the shift?

Anna

Welcome, and the reason your boyfriend is acting this way is really just because he's an addict. There is really nothing you can do to help unless and until he seeks support for himself and determines to continue in recovery, as frustrating as that is for you.

You could check out AlAnon in your city as a support for you. Be sure to take care of yourself.

Bowielover7

Thank you for the reply. This has been the most confusing six months of my life. I seem to be the only one excluded from his life and wondered if anyone had ever experienced this.

trailmix

Hi and welcome, yes many have. The reasons can vary but generally, he showed to you that he was going to quit, he was probably quite convincing, may even have believed it himself. That's not the case, he is still in active addiction.

Can he be an active addict and date you? Probably not.

You might find the threads in this forum helpful as well:

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ly-alcoholics/

In particular this new thread might seem familiar:

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...rtless-me.html (Why are they so heartless? Is it me?)

Sleepyhollo

As hard as it may be to accept this he did you a huge favor. If you look at everyone’s story on these boards you’d be surprised how many people say that their BF/GF is a great person....if it wasn’t for the drug or alcohol. That’s because they are manipulative and know exactly what to do to be charming. And when they move on people always feel like the addict finds a great new partner to live happily ever after. Truth is, they just find their next unsuspecting addiction naive victim. I saw something on FB the other day that said, they don’t discard you for someone better, they discard you for someone who can’t see their bull💩. Addicts don’t care about anyone but themselves and their drug of choice but they can suck you in and make it seem like they care.
Believe me when I tell you you are better off without him. Unless he has been truly sober, working a program for at least a good year you don’t know who he really is. And only the addict can help him or herself. Nothing anyone says or does has any effect on their sobriety whether that means using or not using. It’s a lesson that many of us learned too late because we all thought we could fix our addict if only we loved them enough. If love could fix addicts none of us would be here. Keep reading around on this forum as well as family and friends of alcoholics and you will see many stories similar to yours. Educate yourself on addiction because it is a nasty little disease that most people do not really understand until you have lived it as an addict or a sa loved one. Because getting sober is so much more than just quitting the drug. It takes a complete haul over of the whole person. That takes time and will power and a lot of work. Addicts are charmers because they are manipulative, not because they are actually a great person. It is hard to accept that but I think once you understand that it will be easier to deal with the break up. The split has nothing to do with you as a person and everything to do with the addict. Knowing what I know now, I don’t believe I will ever be able to be in a relationship with a recovering addict. Not because they don’t deserve second chances, but because I don’t ever want to go through what I went through before. And even if they have been clean a long time, there is always a chance they will relapse and I’m not willing to take that chance for myself.

Bowielover7

I know you're right. He's really sick and has nothing to offer me, but it's a real struggle knowing he cut me out of his life completely and refuses to respond to me. Especially since I stood by him and I one of the completely clean people in his life. I had this idea that when he got out of rehab, i'd be the first person he'd want to see and talk to. Quite the opposite. It feels like a personal attack and i know he is definitely being social with everyone else.

Just don't get it. I don't understand how someone could be so hateful and so cold. The very person that said all the right things prior to going into rehab.

Bowielover7

An active addict can't date me, but he can certainly date someone else Oh, I guess we will never know. It certainly feels gross and very personal.

SparkleKitty

I know it feels personal, but it isn't. He was behaving this way before he met you and he will continue behaving this way as long as he continues to abuse drugs.
This is classic addict behavior, and really has nothing to do with you. There is nothing you could have done, said, or been to change his behavior.

Bowielover7

My logical brain knows you're right. My heart is trying to reconcile why for an extended amount of time he was all things good, he was an active addict then too. But after his ineffective rehab stint, he became so hateful. I had a health scare and he never even checked in to see how i was doing. Not the person I met.
And why would an active addict date in the first place knowing they are so sick?

nez

Being around you or even thinking about you puts a mirror in his hand that he doesn't want to look in because he isn't going to like what he sees. The best way for him to not look at himself is by not looking or thinking of you. He hates himself and doesn't want any reminders of why he has a low opinion of himself.

Bowielover7

But Nez, shouldn't that have been the case all along? That's my thing. He was completely fine and wanted to see me, talk to me and engage me constantly. Then nothing. But I am brutally honest, so maybe my honesty that he once loved no longer fit into his world

nez

Not everyone in life is going to respond to me the way I want them to respond. I don't have to like that fact. I don't have to dislike that fact. For my own serenity and peace of mind, I just have to accept that fact. I get to acceptance faster by figuring out why I react the way I do, rather than by spinning my wheels on why they react the way they do.

SparkleKitty

This is how active addicts operate: they are all over the place. You can spend the rest of your life trying to work it out and never understand because you are not an addict. And there still wouldn't have been anything you could have done to create a different outcome.

Bowielover7

@SparkleKitty Damn all of this sucks so bad! I never even knew this world existed and thank heavens i saw so naive. It's been the worst fem months worried about a human, that probably no more thinks of me than the man on the moon. Doesnt care about me, my health, etc.

@nez You're right. The onus is on me because I'm trying to figure out and control his response. He's moved way the heck on already.

Bowielover7

@SparkleKitty @nez One last thing, I spoke with his best friend last week because we messaged concerns back and forth before he went to inpatient. Although he checked himself out at two weeks and told me he was back-sliding, his best friend told me he was doing "awesome"

I mean. Maybe he really is doing awesome and I'm the only one that got the ax. He still talks to and see friends.

nez

Maybe it is true. Maybe it is false. Either way, what is the real reason why it impacts you? And why is that reason important to you? What, if anything, should you change about that?

Bowielover7

@zoso77 I selfishly would love your input. Your words throughout these forums make so much sense to me.

trailmix

When you ask yourself why, maybe ask yourself why not? He is an active addict. You have only ever known him in active addiction. The "promise" of sorts (I'm guessing here) is that you would stick around while he straightened himself out. That didn't happen, he wants to continue to drug - you are out.

The drugs will always come first and foremost. They are best friend, thing that calms, thing they must have, everything else (yes, including you and his friends and family) are secondary. If you want to see him fly away from his socializing, have his "friends" say, we really like you but want to see you clean now.

You didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it (the three c's). He will quit when he wants to and not a moment before.

I believe the message is he doesn't want a clean lifestyle and support, he wants drugs.

trailmix

You mentioned Zoso's posts, don't know if you have seen this one:

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...up-addict.html (Repost: ZoSo's Laws For Surviving a Breakup with an Addict)

Bowielover7

@trailmix Thank you for the kind and honest words, it really is helpful when trying to make sense of a situation.