Icemelon

Hi...just thought I would give you my input. I too got into a relationship with a cocaine addict over 2 years ago. He treated me horribly at times but because he was also very charming and manipulative I stood by him. I went through hell and 3 months after the split I am still feeling the effects but it is getting better.
They manipulate you because it works for them at the time, I enabled him, I see that now. But when I began to see him for what he was he didnt want to know. I was cast aside for his drug taking friends and god knows what else he was getting up to. I thought by leaving him it would give him the kick start to get his life together and maybe get clean and come back to me. But I was very wrong. He just continued taking drugs without a second thought for me.
To someone who doesnt know him he is a very smart, engaging guy. But it was just a facade to manipulate people into accepting his drug taking and ways to get drugs.
I honestly wish I had never met him but I like to think that I have at least learned something from the experience.
Listen to everyone here, he has done you a favour. Try and forget about him, you will regret it if you pursue him. He is not what he seems.

Bowielover7

@Icemelon I don't think I enabled him, but I'm sure I did. I actually was very truthful. His kids would go to bed and he would start using, so I began to call him out on his irresponsible parenting. That was around the time he checked into rehab. But up to the point he would tell me how supportive and honest i was and how my words rang true with him. But since leaving inpatient rehab for the second time he has avoided me like the plague and has a new lady. Some days there is acceptance and others i feel ill. He was so kind, behaved like such a gentleman and convinced me i was his person for months. I guess once the mask fell off and i knew who he was, I was no longer of interest to him. I thought at first i wish i had never met him, but in truth is showed me things about myself that i need to work on because i was quickly becoming codependent on someone who didn't deserve my time. And it's not because hes an addict, but because he has treated me so unfairly. I hope you're feeling better, this sucks!

Icemelon

Well I still have some processing to do, hence lurking on these forums ..but I am gradually feeling better. They keep you around when you enable them, which is probably why he has cut you off, because you didnt. And that was the right thing to do. I wish I had not been anywhere near as tolerant as I was. I became an emotional wreck, drinking heavily myself, which of course was used against me. The fog is clearing now fortunately. It still hurts. Mine went to recovery meetings for a short while, and even then I think it was a form of manipulation and he certainly didnt practice what he preached. All that time I hung around hoping for change, to be tossed aside like a piece of garbage.
I think it is the nature of addiction, they are not good people when they are actively using. And it takes a strong willed person to commit to recovery. Many dont have it in them.
You have to remember, whether they are an addict or a narcissist or whatever, the behaviour is there. And behaviour is what you have to look at, it speaks for itself.
Im sorry you had to go through this, I would not wish it on anyone.
From what I have read, there is a good chance he may reappear with more sweet words, dont fall for it. Mine did, a few weeks ago, but it was still obvious he was just playing with my feelings again. Dont allow yourself to be sucked back in.

Bowielover7

@Icemelon Nah, he's actually done a really good job of cutting me completely out of his life. And I know that is a blessing. Doing 100 worth of Cocaine daily is not a lifestyle that I need to be mixed up in. And watching someone deteriorate and slowly die is gut-wrenching. These forums are helpful, there is safety in numbers. When you read about other people's experiences, it starts to feel less like a personal attack. That has been a huge lesson for me, learning that everything is not about me. Actually very little is about me and the way others treat you is almost always about them.

Whew! I'm so lucky that i grew up and managed to know nothing about drugs until I was in my forties.This crap is for the birds. Get to feeling better, you deserve so much more.

Icemelon

Yeah, I think from reading around most people have the same experience when dealing with an addict. Mine used to live in Ibiza, leading some party lifestyle...so he told me haha. Well he's not so glamorous now, hanging out with backstreet hoodlums and teenagers, selling his belongings for drugs, from what I have heard anyway. Its sad really, but we have to put ourselves first and look forward to a future without someone else's drug habit. You can only try so hard for someone else in the end.
I also have a history of dating people who abuse drugs, I read the Women Who Love Too Much book and it made a lot of sense.
Need to start putting stronger boundaries in place in the future.

Bowielover7

@Lines Thank you for your kind and uplifting message, i appreciate it so much. This has been unexpectedly tough for me as it was only a brief ordeal. First, i'm so glad you have your wife.
I think for me knowing that all along i was told that i was so supportive and pivotal in his journey, cutting me off felt like a surprise. And then to find out he is already dating was a tough hit. I know you're right, he isn't capable and doesn't want anything serious regardless of what he said. The last time i saw him, he barely had the will to bathe, so a relationship didn't make much sense. He looks so happy now and i hope he is, but i know enough about 12 steps to know he is not working the program. Running in the same circle of users and enablers, so my guess is he is back in active addiction. I will continue to pray for him and everyone trapped in this horrible disease and try to become more educated.

I love him, I do. But he has shown me who he is and obviously does not love me back. Maybe people in active addictions say things they don't mean or perhaps they don't know how they feel. I hope it will get better for him and his children. He starts using at night once they go to bed and that is so worrisome. Just don't think hes ready to get well yet.