Why are they so heartless? Is it me?
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Join Date: May 2020
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Why are they so heartless? Is it me?
Hello everyone. I am a totally "straight edge" normie. I've never been drunk in my life. Never smoked a cigarette. I'm 46 years old. Unfortunately, all of my relationships have been with alcoholics/addicts. 13 years married to an alcoholic. He cheated and left me because he wanted to be with someone who lived his party lifestyle. Post divorce, I lived with an even worse alcoholic for 2 years. An absolute maniac. He also cheated and left me for a party girl. I won't bother describing the many flings I've had over the years because they were with guys who were just like the 2 mentioned already, but nothing long term.
A few months ago I got involved with a guy who has a horrible history of drug abuse and rehab stints. But, I was not aware of this right away. He is the classic "victim". His story revolved around how his wife "took" his 2 little daughters, moved to another state, and does not let him have any contact with them. A great story indeed! He was pulling out all the stops to make me comfortable with him and I bought his BS hook, line, and sinker. All the signs of an active drug addict were there, but I focused on how hard he was working to rebuild his life and ignored the rest. My experience has always been with alcoholics. This guy does not drink. He is on Adderall and Xanax (both prescribed). He takes a narcotic painkiller too, but I don't know which one. He takes Effexor for depression. He also smokes weed daily and during the COVID lockdown, when he was not being drug tested by his counselor, he bought cocaine, ecstacy, mushrooms, and DMT, and used all of it over the course of 1 month. I, of course, did none of it and he didn't ask me to.
2 weeks ago, I was with him when a local girl who is a well known addict stopped by his shop (he's a tattoo artist). She was there with her 16 yr old son and some married guy she was "kicking it" with. She needed hers and her son's tattoos fixed. They were "home tattoos" done in the garage by her uncle one night when they were partying. Yes, the 16 year old son included. This girl announced that she was "off the wagon", talked about having a "red room" and just shamelessly flirted with my dude. I wasn't concerned because she was an obvious wreck and after she left, my guy referred to her as "white trash" and insulted her looks. Well, less than a week later, he posted a picture of them together on his social media! I was absolutely shocked. They were all over each other. He and I were friends on social media too! I was bound to see it. And he had just contacted me that morning! My stomach has been sick ever since. I immediately called him, ripped him apart, and that was all she wrote. Was insulting her in front of me just a cover? Did he want to disassociate from her because he is exactly the same? His only response to my calling him out was "Jesus Alxn8r????" I have not heard from him since. Its been 2 weeks.
I just cannot understand why he (or my previous loves of the alcoholic persuasion) didn't want to stay with me. I'm a beautiful woman and I have everything going for me. The girl from the tattoo shop has 4 kids (ages 10-16), parties with them, has that worn a beat down look about her, and is visited by the police on a regular basis. I am no longer connected to this guy on social media, but I did she a picture of the entire "family" with all of them giving the finger to the camera while standing behind him (looking high as a kite). Yes, kids too. My self esteem is in the gutter now! Why did he choose her? Is it for the ease and comfort of being with a fellow addict? Is he getting his "family" back through this girl since he has no contact with his own babies? How could he just post those pics with no regard for me, the girl he had been hanging out with so recently? Why are most addicts/alcoholics so heartless? Although he and I were not exclusive (it had only been a couple months and I live an hour away) we had already stayed at each other's places. I should add that he told me the last morning we talked that he had to move out of his current place (He's obviously living with that girl now).
A friend of mine who had not seen this guy in 2 months visited his shop recently and could not believe the change in his appearance. I know he is an active addict and I am told this is the reason for his bad behavior, but I just can't understand why he would still choose that lifestyle when someone is standing right in front of him offering a good life. I will be at a CODA meeting this week and hope to start getting my own life back on track soon. Thank you for any insight you can offer.
A few months ago I got involved with a guy who has a horrible history of drug abuse and rehab stints. But, I was not aware of this right away. He is the classic "victim". His story revolved around how his wife "took" his 2 little daughters, moved to another state, and does not let him have any contact with them. A great story indeed! He was pulling out all the stops to make me comfortable with him and I bought his BS hook, line, and sinker. All the signs of an active drug addict were there, but I focused on how hard he was working to rebuild his life and ignored the rest. My experience has always been with alcoholics. This guy does not drink. He is on Adderall and Xanax (both prescribed). He takes a narcotic painkiller too, but I don't know which one. He takes Effexor for depression. He also smokes weed daily and during the COVID lockdown, when he was not being drug tested by his counselor, he bought cocaine, ecstacy, mushrooms, and DMT, and used all of it over the course of 1 month. I, of course, did none of it and he didn't ask me to.
2 weeks ago, I was with him when a local girl who is a well known addict stopped by his shop (he's a tattoo artist). She was there with her 16 yr old son and some married guy she was "kicking it" with. She needed hers and her son's tattoos fixed. They were "home tattoos" done in the garage by her uncle one night when they were partying. Yes, the 16 year old son included. This girl announced that she was "off the wagon", talked about having a "red room" and just shamelessly flirted with my dude. I wasn't concerned because she was an obvious wreck and after she left, my guy referred to her as "white trash" and insulted her looks. Well, less than a week later, he posted a picture of them together on his social media! I was absolutely shocked. They were all over each other. He and I were friends on social media too! I was bound to see it. And he had just contacted me that morning! My stomach has been sick ever since. I immediately called him, ripped him apart, and that was all she wrote. Was insulting her in front of me just a cover? Did he want to disassociate from her because he is exactly the same? His only response to my calling him out was "Jesus Alxn8r????" I have not heard from him since. Its been 2 weeks.
I just cannot understand why he (or my previous loves of the alcoholic persuasion) didn't want to stay with me. I'm a beautiful woman and I have everything going for me. The girl from the tattoo shop has 4 kids (ages 10-16), parties with them, has that worn a beat down look about her, and is visited by the police on a regular basis. I am no longer connected to this guy on social media, but I did she a picture of the entire "family" with all of them giving the finger to the camera while standing behind him (looking high as a kite). Yes, kids too. My self esteem is in the gutter now! Why did he choose her? Is it for the ease and comfort of being with a fellow addict? Is he getting his "family" back through this girl since he has no contact with his own babies? How could he just post those pics with no regard for me, the girl he had been hanging out with so recently? Why are most addicts/alcoholics so heartless? Although he and I were not exclusive (it had only been a couple months and I live an hour away) we had already stayed at each other's places. I should add that he told me the last morning we talked that he had to move out of his current place (He's obviously living with that girl now).
A friend of mine who had not seen this guy in 2 months visited his shop recently and could not believe the change in his appearance. I know he is an active addict and I am told this is the reason for his bad behavior, but I just can't understand why he would still choose that lifestyle when someone is standing right in front of him offering a good life. I will be at a CODA meeting this week and hope to start getting my own life back on track soon. Thank you for any insight you can offer.
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Gently, friend, instead of asking why unhealthy folk suffering with addiction aren't able to give you the relationship you want, you may want to consider asking why you continue to pursue and engage in relationships with people who, by the very nature of their addiction, CANNOT give you the relationship you want.
This guy's behavior is par for the course for those in active addiction. The "good life" you are offering him is beyond his capacity. Right now, everything is his addiction, and feeding his addiction. In that respect, no. It's not you. It's addiction.
In another respect, however, you do keep choosing the same type of partner over and over. While this seems damning, the good news is you have control over this part. You can learn to understand why YOU behave the way you do in ways you will never be able to understand why anyone else does. And from that you can grow into someone with strong boundaries and a healthy sense of self, who will attract the type of partner you both want and deserve.
This guy's behavior is par for the course for those in active addiction. The "good life" you are offering him is beyond his capacity. Right now, everything is his addiction, and feeding his addiction. In that respect, no. It's not you. It's addiction.
In another respect, however, you do keep choosing the same type of partner over and over. While this seems damning, the good news is you have control over this part. You can learn to understand why YOU behave the way you do in ways you will never be able to understand why anyone else does. And from that you can grow into someone with strong boundaries and a healthy sense of self, who will attract the type of partner you both want and deserve.
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Join Date: May 2020
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Thank you for the information Sparklekitty! Love the screen name! 
This CODA meeting cannot come soon enough! I've been through Al-anon, but stopped going after I "recovered" from the last relationship. That was 2 years ago. I've been in therapy for close to 10 years off and on, but none of the therapists I've seen have touched on the source of my attraction to "bad boys". It is obvious I have some sort of trauma bond to work through, but I haven't found a method of dealing with it that works. Hopefully, I get there soon!
This CODA meeting cannot come soon enough! I've been through Al-anon, but stopped going after I "recovered" from the last relationship. That was 2 years ago. I've been in therapy for close to 10 years off and on, but none of the therapists I've seen have touched on the source of my attraction to "bad boys". It is obvious I have some sort of trauma bond to work through, but I haven't found a method of dealing with it that works. Hopefully, I get there soon!
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Understanding why he does what he does, won't help you do what you need to do, in order to have the quality of life that you want for yourself. Do what you need to do, in order to have the quality of life that you want for yourself and you will get the answers that can truly help you.
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Alx------I totally agree with what SparkleKitty just said.
So, I will address my comments to a more practical aspect. since you are a "straight-edge normie"-----I would think that it would be to your advantage to socialize only with other straight-edge normies. That way, you would only be attracted to straight-edge normies. In fact, I will edit that to include HEALTHY straight-edge normies----LOL.
Because a person can be a straight0edge normie and still be messed up emotionally and psychologically. At least, changing your playground and playmates would eliminate the alcohol and drug abuse.
I suggest that you might hang out with those with a specific interest----Like, The League of Women Voters (non-political), the local Peta Organization. The National Geograpic Society, Friends of the Zoo, volunteer for Feed America, Habitat for Humanity, Appalachian Trail Organization, -----the list of possibilities goes on and on-----you can find lots more on the google machine.
CODA sounds like a good start. In addition, ongoing therapy and delving into family of origin issues, can be necessary to get to the the root of your issues. Have you ever done any support groups or therapy, in the past?
So, I will address my comments to a more practical aspect. since you are a "straight-edge normie"-----I would think that it would be to your advantage to socialize only with other straight-edge normies. That way, you would only be attracted to straight-edge normies. In fact, I will edit that to include HEALTHY straight-edge normies----LOL.
Because a person can be a straight0edge normie and still be messed up emotionally and psychologically. At least, changing your playground and playmates would eliminate the alcohol and drug abuse.
I suggest that you might hang out with those with a specific interest----Like, The League of Women Voters (non-political), the local Peta Organization. The National Geograpic Society, Friends of the Zoo, volunteer for Feed America, Habitat for Humanity, Appalachian Trail Organization, -----the list of possibilities goes on and on-----you can find lots more on the google machine.
CODA sounds like a good start. In addition, ongoing therapy and delving into family of origin issues, can be necessary to get to the the root of your issues. Have you ever done any support groups or therapy, in the past?
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Join Date: Aug 2019
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Alxn8r,
Listen to what Sparklekitty has said. She is spot on. It's not you who is heartless. The addict only wants to feed their addiction. The don't care about anyone around them. Why I don't know if you confronted him on his addiction. He may of seen you not joining in his addiction as a barrier to him continuing what he loves. They will always hang with people that don't question what they do. The addiction will always come first until they want help. It's something they have to fix. I'm glad that you have cut him out of your life. Someone like that is not healthy. You deserve someone who will not lie or manipulate you. I think it's good that you want to continue up your CODA meeting. You can get your life back. You can meet a HEALTHY straigt-edge normie (thanks Dandylion). Just take it one day at a time. Know what boundaries you have and don't let them down. Most of all keep being strong.
Listen to what Sparklekitty has said. She is spot on. It's not you who is heartless. The addict only wants to feed their addiction. The don't care about anyone around them. Why I don't know if you confronted him on his addiction. He may of seen you not joining in his addiction as a barrier to him continuing what he loves. They will always hang with people that don't question what they do. The addiction will always come first until they want help. It's something they have to fix. I'm glad that you have cut him out of your life. Someone like that is not healthy. You deserve someone who will not lie or manipulate you. I think it's good that you want to continue up your CODA meeting. You can get your life back. You can meet a HEALTHY straigt-edge normie (thanks Dandylion). Just take it one day at a time. Know what boundaries you have and don't let them down. Most of all keep being strong.
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Hi dandylion! I have been to various therapists in the past 10+ years but I'm still struggling. I was diagnosed with severe/chronic depression and some mania and I do take an RX for that diagnosis. I was hypnotized once and even did a "tapping" therapy. All that money and none of the doctors were able to help much. The medication is a necessity, but it does not block out the pain caused by my relationships, etc. I don't want it to. It was actually through a counselor on YouTube that I found out about "trauma bonding". It makes so much sense and I'm going to explore that avenue now.
I am kind of a strange case in that a lot of my interests are shared by those who abuse drugs and alcohol. I tend to find myself in environments where booze and drugs are just part of the scene (rock/metal shows, etc.) but I don't get high. There is a lot of sadness in me, but I am super outgoing and comfortable in any situation. I am all in when there are crazy/fun things going on, but I'm always doing them sober. I have a Master's degree and work a professional job with a lot of folks who have never seen the "seedy" side of life. I can talk and have fun with them too. Its just that I resonate with those who are in pain and that has to be why I attract the guys I do, even though I don't use.
I appreciate your suggestions and I am hoping to finally turn the corner after this latest experience!
I am kind of a strange case in that a lot of my interests are shared by those who abuse drugs and alcohol. I tend to find myself in environments where booze and drugs are just part of the scene (rock/metal shows, etc.) but I don't get high. There is a lot of sadness in me, but I am super outgoing and comfortable in any situation. I am all in when there are crazy/fun things going on, but I'm always doing them sober. I have a Master's degree and work a professional job with a lot of folks who have never seen the "seedy" side of life. I can talk and have fun with them too. Its just that I resonate with those who are in pain and that has to be why I attract the guys I do, even though I don't use.
I appreciate your suggestions and I am hoping to finally turn the corner after this latest experience!
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Thanks ironwill! It definitely helps A LOT to hear from those who know about this stuff. Even though I've dealt with addicts/alcoholics for almost 3 decades, I still haven't learned the basics about them or myself! I have been told that it is going to be hard to find a "normie" with my personality traits and interests. It would be nice though!
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Originally Posted by Alxn8r 
Thank you nez! I guess I should try my hardest this time. I have a lot of work to do.
Peace of mind comes from not wanting to change others. -Gerald G. Jampolsky
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Hi again Alxn8r! Glad you found this forum (I replied to you in the other forum).
There is a book that is often recommended here that you might find helpful, Codependent no More by Melody Beattie. Many here have found it really eye opening.
There is a book that is often recommended here that you might find helpful, Codependent no More by Melody Beattie. Many here have found it really eye opening.
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dandylion - Fur Unit! Nice! NEVER would have thought Frank Zappa was clean. Dee Snyder was always on the "straight and narrow" too! So, they do exist but finding them is the hard part.
nez - Good advice and now the work begins!
trailmix - Thanks for the recommendations! I got that book years ago but I think its time to pick it up again. I will look it up on the ol' Kindle tonight.
nez - Good advice and now the work begins!
trailmix - Thanks for the recommendations! I got that book years ago but I think its time to pick it up again. I will look it up on the ol' Kindle tonight.
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Alx-------yes, a lot of people just assumed that Frank Zappa was on drugs. In fact there was a Saturday Night Live skit, when he was the guest---and, the crux of the skit was that they were accusing him of being on drugs and he was stone sober. You might be able to find that skit on YouTube. I did see him in concert, once, and he had an orchestra with him, which he conducted. He was wearing a pair of shorts and a Fruit of the Loom T shirt and a pair of high-top old basketball shoes, and hair pulled back in a rubber band.
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Dandylion-So funny to learn that about Zappa, because so many people I know love him, and they have always been into psychedelics! Just goes to show how a sober person can attract drug abusers and alcoholics by having a certain type of personality. I've never been into his music, but I'd sure like to read his biography now. 👍
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My epiphany came when my psychologist asked, "What's the payoff?" I looked at him, and he refused to say anything for a long time. Finally he said, "There's *something.* You're getting *something* out of this." And let me figure out what the payoff was.
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velma 929 - Good point! I think what I am getting out of these relationships is a feeling that is connected to some sort of trauma bond from the past. Keep trying to work it out by dating one emotionally unavailable partner after another. Its super sad and I really hope I can get to the root of and beat it soon.
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Alxn-------I am giving you the following link to an article that you may have some interest in. The article mentions a book by Robin Norwood---"Women Who Love Too Much". It is actually an old classic, now----it was published when you were about 10 yrs. old. So, you have probably read it----as most of the entire country did. But, you might want to dig it out, if it has been a long time. In case you have never read it---I think you will find some things that resonate with you.
For other readers of this thread----this article and the book that is mentioned, could be worth reading---as classics usually have some merit to them.
https://psiloveyou.xyz/to-the-women-...n-1d3fccc22da8
For other readers of this thread----this article and the book that is mentioned, could be worth reading---as classics usually have some merit to them.
https://psiloveyou.xyz/to-the-women-...n-1d3fccc22da8
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dandylion -
I can't seem to get over these feelings of rejection.
I feel like he chose the other woman ( an addict who parties with her kids, etc.) over me.
I don't have any self esteem when it comes to being cheated on or rejected for another girl.
I also can't seem to accept that he is not worthy of ME! I still focus on the attractive things about him.
I feel so irrelevant and meaningless thanks to his posting pics of the girl he rejected me for (while we were still friends on FB). Who does that???
I wallow in the feeling that I am alone while everyone else (these two specifically) have a partner to do things with. Things I want to do with someone and wanted to do with him.
Just a small list, right? The comments above have definitely helped, but If anyone can possibly offer some solutions for these specific issues, it would help more.
Thanks everyone.
I can't seem to get over these feelings of rejection.
I feel like he chose the other woman ( an addict who parties with her kids, etc.) over me.
I don't have any self esteem when it comes to being cheated on or rejected for another girl.
I also can't seem to accept that he is not worthy of ME! I still focus on the attractive things about him.
I feel so irrelevant and meaningless thanks to his posting pics of the girl he rejected me for (while we were still friends on FB). Who does that???
I wallow in the feeling that I am alone while everyone else (these two specifically) have a partner to do things with. Things I want to do with someone and wanted to do with him.
Just a small list, right?
The comments above have definitely helped, but If anyone can possibly offer some solutions for these specific issues, it would help more.Thanks everyone.
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