I get that you're hurting, and I really wish you weren't, but it's time that you cut a new deal with yourself.
When my AXGF broke up with me back in the day, she did it in the most sadistic way she could. And while this doesn't directly compare with your situation because I didn't want her back, I was certainly wounded from what had happened. So I had to go into self care mode and make sure I was doing all the things I needed to do to get through my day, and in time, it became easier.
When someone we care about leaves us, it's supposed to hurt. That's entirely normal. But allow me to suggest that while that door has closed, others have opened. You just have to belief that there is always hope for us.
A measure of a life is a
Measure of love and respect
So hard to earn, so easily burned
In the fullness of time
A garden to nurture and protect
-- Rush, "The Garden"