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Old 11-05-2019, 06:06 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Worried about fiancť cheating in rehab


Hello everyone I am new here, I recently admitted my fiancť to rehab as he had his third car accident because of a Xanax addiction. First was cocaine, second was alcohol and now heís taking Xanax.
but he was clean for 3 year but has never sought professional help.
My trust is broken and I acknowledge that I am very insecure and perhaps my ego wants to control this outcome but I keep getting nightmares that he is having an inappropriate relationship with another woman in rehab as I have read that this is a common thing because addicts become vulnerable and look for other thrills.
i am very scared that he is going to cheat on me because before I dropped him off he told me he is breaking up with me as I didnít pack his sleeping pills?!
I am worried that he will cheat and just never tell me and that in a couple of months from now we will be in the same situation.
I know this might sound crazy but right now I feel crazy.
tomorrow I will see my therapist but I feel like I can only chill once I know he isnít or wonít cheat.
please help me
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Old 11-05-2019, 06:20 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Glad you are seeking help for yourself. You cannot control what an addict might do so you have got to begin to take care of yourself. Have you considered any other support groups like AlAnon?
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Old 11-05-2019, 06:40 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Glad you are seeking help for yourself. You cannot control what an addict might do so you have got to begin to take care of yourself. Have you considered any other support groups like AlAnon?
I will when I have time I am currently shooting a film and itís at night so wonít be able to attend meetings until 2 weeks from now. I realize that I canít control him but I would rather him leave me. Itís like I want to protect myself instead of enduring the process of his recovery and possibly cheating on me. But unconditional love is allowing that person to go through what they have to. I am just scared and impatient
thanks for the reply
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Old 11-05-2019, 07:59 AM   #4 (permalink)
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I am going to stick with the choice that scares me the most and that is trusting and letting go. I canít control what is going to happen but I can control my perspective on the situation
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Old 11-05-2019, 10:51 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Your BF fiancť is a drug addict - yes?

Your worried he may cheat on you because you don't trust him. It is extremely difficult if not impossible for any of us to trust our addicts.

If he is going to cheat on you he will do it. Doesn't matter if he is in a rehab or not.

A good moral compass I don't believe goes hand in hand with drug addiction. At least it didn't in my case.

Please take care of yourself
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Old 11-05-2019, 11:38 AM   #6 (permalink)
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He's probably more likely to cheat while out of rehab and under the influence of drugs.

But believe me, being cheated on should be the least of your worries when dealing with an active addict.
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Old 11-06-2019, 07:27 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Hello and welcome. I am sorry for what brings you here, but glad you are here.

I will just ask you, is any of this the behavior of someone you think you should marry?? You deserve more, I hope you focus on YOU so that you can see that.

Keep reading, keep posting, you are not alone.

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Originally Posted by lvd92 View Post
Hello everyone I am new here, I recently admitted my fiancť to rehab as he had his third car accident because of a Xanax addiction. First was cocaine, second was alcohol and now heís taking Xanax.
but he was clean for 3 year but has never sought professional help.
My trust is broken and I acknowledge that I am very insecure and perhaps my ego wants to control this outcome but I keep getting nightmares that he is having an inappropriate relationship with another woman in rehab as I have read that this is a common thing because addicts become vulnerable and look for other thrills.
i am very scared that he is going to cheat on me because before I dropped him off he told me he is breaking up with me as I didnít pack his sleeping pills?!
I am worried that he will cheat and just never tell me and that in a couple of months from now we will be in the same situation.
I know this might sound crazy but right now I feel crazy.
tomorrow I will see my therapist but I feel like I can only chill once I know he isnít or wonít cheat.
please help me
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Old 11-07-2019, 05:28 PM   #8 (permalink)
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But believe me, being cheated on should be the least of your worries when dealing with an active addict.
This!! This is everything I thought when I read your post.
Please take the time to focus on you and know your self worth. I have been there, worrying about whether he was cheating. I feel like that was my way of coping with my feelings - it didnít work it sent me more crazy!! But looking back, I think the worry of him cheating was my gut instinct trying to convince me to walk away. Would I have walked away if he had cheated? Yes! So I focused on that so I could escape without the manipulation. Thatís just my story, yours may be different but I couldnít pass by without sharing it.

As for him being in rehab. Leave him to get on with it. If he wants to get better he will, if he doesnít he wonít. If heís going to cheat he will do it wherever he is. But like HCD said, you have bigger things to worry about. You need to be worrying about you!! Treat his time in rehab as your time to rehabilitate yourself.

Good luck!
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Old 11-08-2019, 08:57 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Be gentle with yourself and keep the focus on you not him.
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Old 11-17-2019, 01:42 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Iím sorry. He is doing well in his recovery. Itís made me realize I am not good for anyone. I think Iím that small percentage of humans that are unable to have an authentic romantic relationship. The past has taught me that I guess I have to accept it. Thanks for the great advice guys sorry for venting here and if this sounds very narcissistic but I truly am in pain and struggle to see the hope
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Old 11-17-2019, 07:34 PM   #11 (permalink)
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lvd, why would that make you think that you are not good for anyone?

Being in a relationship with an addict of any kind is a thoroughly trying experience, it's not like a "normal" relationship, it's not like the person is reliable, generally, or dependable, so it's not surprising that might make you feel insecure.

Has he ever given you a reason to mistrust that he is faithful to you? Do you just not trust him in general anymore?

I noticed in the other forum that someone recommended Codependent no More, by Melody Beattie. It's not suggested because anyone is saying you are codependent or not, but it's got great information about relationships and boundaries that you might find really helpful and reassuring, it can help give you direction and question your perspective on things.

Hang in there, this can't be easy. I really do second the idea of going to Al-Anon, or even AA meetings that are deemed as "open" meetings (ie: you don't need to be an alcoholic to attend).

It sounds like perhaps this relationship has diminished your self worth and self esteem?
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Old 11-17-2019, 07:35 PM   #12 (permalink)
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You might also find the Friends and Family of alcoholics forum helpful:

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ly-alcoholics/

Also the stickies at the top of the forum, in particular these ones:

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
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Old 11-18-2019, 12:05 AM   #13 (permalink)
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lvd, why would that make you think that you are not good for anyone?

Being in a relationship with an addict of any kind is a thoroughly trying experience, it's not like a "normal" relationship, it's not like the person is reliable, generally, or dependable, so it's not surprising that might make you feel insecure.

Has he ever given you a reason to mistrust that he is faithful to you? Do you just not trust him in general anymore?

I noticed in the other forum that someone recommended Codependent no More, by Melody Beattie. It's not suggested because anyone is saying you are codependent or not, but it's got great information about relationships and boundaries that you might find really helpful and reassuring, it can help give you direction and question your perspective on things.

Hang in there, this can't be easy. I really do second the idea of going to Al-Anon, or even AA meetings that are deemed as "open" meetings (ie: you don't need to be an alcoholic to attend).

It sounds like perhaps this relationship has diminished your self worth and self esteem?
Iím currently listening to the book on audible.
I think it has to do with my childhood never being good enough for my father no matter how well I did in school etc.
I then got into a relationship with a narcissist psychopath. He repeatedly cheated on me an spent his days looking at other women on social media in front of me. I then met my fiancť and heís great man. I donít feel responsible for his disease but I donít feel good enough for anyone. I also deal with a lot of rejection in my job and I think todayís society sets unrealistic expectations about what we should look like. Iím happy for my man and his recovery and I donít want to control him. I just canít see that things will be okay for me if I make my assumptions on my past. So thatís why I would rather want to be alone I guess because Iím not enough for men
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Old 11-18-2019, 12:14 AM   #14 (permalink)
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It really does sound like your self esteem has taken a beating somewhere along the way.

What other support do you have, have you ever talked to a therapist or counsellor? Do you feel you might be a bit depressed at all? If so perhaps that is something you could talk to your GP about and get a referral to someone?

If you live in a larger city there might even be other support groups, self esteem workshops etc you could attend?

Oh and forget about being "worthy" of anyone, male or female. All you need is to be happy with yourself, be who you are, you don't have to hop to it and live up to anyone's idea of what you should and shouldn't do or be.

Also:

Quote:
before I dropped him off he told me he is breaking up with me as I didn’t pack his sleeping pills?!
Perhaps this guy is not good relationship material right now? You deserve to be treated with respect and kindness.
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Old 11-26-2019, 08:21 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Boy, Hollywood has really done a number on people, by selling them the story that if one is simply "good enough" another person will transform for them.

Your father was the one who was "not good enough" for your father.

Your narcissistic ex was the one who was "not good enough" for your narcissistic ex.

And this guy has a host of issues to deal with himself before he will be capable of any kind of healthy relationship with anyone.

None of those things has anything to do with you or your inherent self-worth. Self-worth, as implied by the name, is not something anyone else can give you. It is only a gift that you can give yourself. What we choose to focus on grows, so instead of focusing on all these perceived failures and shortcomings, maybe try lifting yourself up for a change.

When you are "good enough" for you, no one in the world will be able to take it away from you.
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