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Old 06-25-2019, 07:48 PM   #1 (permalink)
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its been a long time since I have been on this board but really need some support right now. My husband is an opiate addict. He had 14 months sober and I believe relapsed on Sunday. Heís not admitting it but all the signs were there...went to look at a car with my brother who is in active addiction and came home with pinpoint pupils, sweating, clearly intoxicated, and of course lying about it all. He started by swearing he didnít take anything then changed his story and said he took a muscle relaxer for back pain...ya not buying it.

i havenít really talked to him yet other than the initial wtf is going on conversation which was literally me calling him out, him lying, and me ending it because why bother at that point. Plus the kids donít need to see us arguing. I do plan to have a conversation with him I just havenít had a chance due to work schedules (he works nights).

I am devastated. I really thought that he was past this. Itís been over a year! I know relapse can happen at any time but i really didnít see this coming. My head is spinning and now Iím thinking that this may not have been the first time. I have no reason to believe he has used prior to Sunday but we only see each other in passing during the week due to work schedules so it wouldnít be too hard for him to hide it at least for a little while.

I am praying that this really was the first time and he realizes how stupid he was and moves forward. But his lying has me extremely concerned that things are going to go in the opposite direction. The only thing I know for sure is that after living through hell with him in active addiction I will not return to that life. I have made it very clear that I will divorce if he goes back to that life and as much as I love him I will not live through that again.

Just looking for some support/advice.
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Old 06-26-2019, 06:35 AM   #2 (permalink)
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I am so sorry. Take good care of you and your children.
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Old 06-26-2019, 06:49 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Very sorry, Becca.
I hope you can have that conversation soon.
Meantime, trust your gut.
Good thoughts.
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Old 06-26-2019, 07:46 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by Becca829 View Post
I have made it very clear that I will divorce if he goes back to that life and as much as I love him I will not live through that again.

Just looking for some support/advice.
Since you asked... and if you are serious about the part I quoted, if I were you, I'd go get some legal advice about how to begin legal separation proceedings. I'd start separating my finances or at the very least saving a stash of money in case I needed to make a move. I'd formulate a plan that worked for my (YOUR) life in case he slides back into his addiction. It doesn't mean you'd have to act on it, but knowing your options and being prepared will alleviate a lot of the anxiety.

We always want to believe they are going to see the light, kick the habit and do the right thing. Unfortunately, many times, that doesn't happen. Or it takes many years and many attempts before it "sticks"... and even then there is the knowledge that relapses can (and in many cases do) happen down the road. Only you can decide if that's an OK factor in your life.

I hope you have strong boundaries in place. Please trust your gut. We can get so caught up in our thoughts and feelings that we ignore our instincts, I did and it wasn't pretty. As you already know, living with an addict is a soul sucking existence. I truly hope you are as resolved as you say you are if he drops the ball here.

I know how much this sucks for you. I'm so very sorry you are experiencing it.

Wishing for you strength, clarity and peace while you figure out your next steps.
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Old 06-26-2019, 08:25 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Thanks everyone. I am serious about leaving if he goes back to it. We separated for a little over 2 years while he was using because I had had enough and recently worked things out (he moved back in about 6 months ago). Finances are already separate and I talked to an attorney during the time we were separated. Itís been about a year since I had that consultation so of course I would need to go back for another if he continues to use, but I have a general idea of what my next steps need to be and am able to move forward if needed.

We we had a good conversation last night. I couldnít sleep so we ended up talking when he got home from work. He admitted to using on Sunday, said it was the first time. I canít be positive that this is true as I know how the story goes. He offered to give me access to his bank account if I wanted so I can see if he withdraws money, not sure I am going to do this because I donít want to babysit. He says he doesnít want that life and is going to do what is necessary to make sure it doesnít happen again. Time will tell as actions speak louder than words. Things are definitely different this time around but I know how easy it is for him to slip back into active addiction. In the past he would have never admitted it or offered access to his account etc. Im praying that with over a year in recovery he now has the skills needed to move past this.

I hate this!!! Thanks again for the support. It means a lot.
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Old 06-26-2019, 09:08 AM   #6 (permalink)
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clearly intoxicated

Becca - during his "clean" time was he still drinking? nothing opens up the floodgates faster than adding alcohol. if he quit the pills but is still drinking, he's still using and keeping the beast alive.

i am sorry this happened. there really isn't ever a point in time when IT can never happen again, or the addict has arrived at a SAFE place in recovery.

it's not at all surprising that he lied about it. it's sort of the addict default position. deny deny deny. even when they are swaying, slurring, cross eyed and incoherent.

Things are definitely different this time around but I know how easy it is for him to slip back into active addiction.
he already did, Becca. he willingly and purposefully drank and took drugs. he stepped over the threshold of NOT using to USING.

will this be it? time will tell. please don't put TOO much hope in the fact that he was "honest" or willing to show you his bank account. he was only honest AFTER the fact and there are lots of ways to acquire drugs that might not be obvious on a bank statement. which may be why he is willing to let you see it.

addiction is cunning, baffling and powerful. also sneaky as hell. keep your guard up. keep your boundaries firm.
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Old 06-26-2019, 09:27 AM   #7 (permalink)
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[QUOTE=AnvilheadII;7214978]clearly intoxicated

Becca - during his "clean" time was he still drinking? nothing opens up the floodgates faster than adding alcohol. if he quit the pills but is still drinking, he's still using and keeping the beast alive.


Other than 1 occasion he hasnít been drinking during his clean time. My guard is definitely up and I am not placing much on his honesty. Though I donít deny that I am hopeful that he can move past this. You are right he did step back into active addiction on Sunday, I tend to think of that as the daily use that he spent so long doing. But youíre right he used and that is that. Time will tell I guess. Iím prepared to separate if needed, hopeful that he wonít take that path but I do know the reality of the situation.
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