AnvilheadII

hey now....let's put down the bat eh? you made choices with the best information you had AT THE TIME. it wasn't like you stood in the foyer to the Gates of Hell and ignored the sign: “Abandon all hope, ye who enter here!”

yes there WERE signs, but you didn't know what to look for. but YOU KNOW NOW. that's a real gift. ok so the delivery of said gift sux, more like someone throwing a medieval mace your way and yelling CATCH!

you didn't know what you didn't know.
now you do.

Kristin12

You are going through the stages of grief as one would when suffering a loss. It's important to work through them without getting stuck, backtrack, or avoid. It seems like you are beginning to face and accept it. What happened has happened. Everyday is one day removed from the chaos. You have your power back. Don't lose your clean time for any reason and fall back to her weather 6 months or 60 years. You know the pain. You are in control now.

HardLessons

You did make me laugh a bit

I did start with good intentions. I thought I was helping someone In need There was need. I just didn't understand why there was need. I thought it was an opportunity to give back & help someone in need

Yes right from the start there were lots of signs. I wasn't able to read them. Or if it did I couldn't put the meaning together correctly. There were signs

Yes. I know now how to read these signs.

tomsteve

i think youre dealing pretty good! take a read around and see how many people break down and contact the alkie or addict pretty quicklike. so


yup, ya made bad choices- welcome to the club!
you'll get a notice when your club tattoo will be occurring.

ya know, i seem to not like that word"fault" too much. too much self asskikin with it.
but i am glad to read ya taking accountability for what happened.

so, i was diagnosed stage 3 ,metastatic melanoma back in 06 i didnt know jack about melanoma until then. never even heard of it until then. i went through a crapton of crap fighting it for the next couple years- clinical trial, 2 rounds of chemo, 6 surgeries, MRI's PET and Ct scans, blood draws, tests of every organ, hell, prolly every test available short of a pregnancy test!
and now i know more by going through all that.
now i know what to keep an eye out for.

HardLessons

Thank you for what you wrote

I knew 4 weeks or so ago when I decided to stop with my addict that it was going to be rough for me. I tried several times in the past to stop but never succeeded. The good thing this time is for whatever reason she has left me alone. So that makes it easier on me

I'm not suppressing any of these feelings. I'm letting them flow. But it's hard dealing with them

I certainly think about talking to her but. I haven't once reached for the phone to do anything & I am pretty sure I won't.

I'm not going back for more of the same. The last 3 months with her was bad. I felt used as in manipulated & used. I don't want to ever feel that again in my life. The last time her & I spoke. She wanted to see me. I told her no. I want to see you. But. I can't

Yes what happened has happened. There is no going back

I'm not sure I have my power back. But I do feel like I have my dignity if nothing else

Thanks

HardLessons

TS

Thanks for your words of encouragement

Sorry to hear about your battle with melanoma. I hope it's all in remission

My club tattoo is funny. I'm pretty sure anyone can take one look at my face & know something tragic has taken place. I've had that look for some time now. Probably a year

I'm not going to break down & contact her. There is no point for me to do that. Nothing good will come from it

Thanks

atalose

Hardlessons, just remember if that strong desire/need to help someone out with cash hits you hard, I’ll take one for the SR team and receive it!!! LOL

Humor can be our best medicine!!

I think you are doing pretty well given all that you have learned and are doing in this short period. It really does get easier the farther away you get from it.

AnvilheadII

that's our atalose, ALWAYS thinking of others and the greater good!!

HardLessons

Come on Atalose

You have to do some work to get the cash. Like lie to me & manipulate me. I don't just hand out cash for nothing. Lol.

Thanks for your kind words. You did make me laugh

SmallButMighty

You know this is pretty huge and very valuable, right?

You are doing great!

HardLessons

SBM

I somehow mustered the strength 5 some weeks ago to walk away. I don't know how I did it. It just happened. The day I walked away we communicated by text. There were no harsh words by her or me. Just simply I needed to take some time for myself. I needed to fix myself. There wasn't even an ending mentioned.

All I had left at that point was my dignity. I gave absolutely everything else of myself to that relationship - including my soul which was left at her feet.

Thanks

Anaya

A sincere (albeit quite late) welcome to you, HardLessons.

I happened upon this thread today and have mostly read thru. The portion of your post I copied and pasted below is very significant to me and I, as well as I imagine others here, can relate...that is "raging out of control codependent trying to help," "I feel good about working up thee courage to post here...," and "I don't want to stay sick with this."

Obviously, you're a very accomplished man and quite capable.

You seem to be embracing the possibility of moving on and recovery; I hope coming to SR and the experience, strength, and hope passed along will continue to inspire you, that you will be successful in your recovery, and that you may experience what Ann did and so eloquently shared in a post on this thread, "I wish you the best, it's not easy but I promise one day you will look back and wonder '"What WAS I thinking?" I ask myself that often.'

Best of luck to you, HL, and keep coming back.

HardLessons

Anaya

Thank you for your thoughtful & kind words. Your words of encouragement

I've known I had a serious problem going on for a long time now. More recently I'm trying to face up to it. I'm trying my best to make better more informed decisions & try to clean up this mess which I created

Thanks again

Ariesagain

You know, you didn't create the mess. It was there. It was an enormous swirling vortex of mess without any involvement from you.

You just got too close and were sucked in.

Now you're working to get back out.

Your intentions were good, yes? You just didn't know what you were up against. There's surprisingly little information out in the public realm about addiction and what is out there is really oversimplified...like all it takes is an intervention and one stint at rehab and voila! Over!

Be kind to yourself.

HardLessons

Ariesagain

You made a lot of good valid points. Provided me with a different perspective

Your right I didn't create this mess. It was all there from the start. From day one it was a sad mess. It was a mess before I arrived on the scene

I did make a very big mistake by getting too close. I did get sucked in. I am not nor do I feel like an innocent victim. I'm not innocent here. I'm guilty

I'm no kid. I've experienced a great deal in life. I've dealt with all kinds of issues both work & personal. Nothing in my life experiences prepared me for my run in (got run over) with addiction. I know now I had no clue zero what I was doing

I did honestly have good intentions I tried very hard on a daily basis over years to do good by her. I'm not an innocent victim. I didn't know until it was much too late what I was doing.

Thanks

HardLessons

Update

Into week 6 now - no contact has taken place

Past couple days have been the worst for me. Its all very upsetting & painful.

Ive been very tired at night. Just feel mentally exhausted. Been going to bed like by 9. Not sleeping well waking up about every hour or so. Having very vivid dreams. Have been dreaming about her.

I would hope anyone reading my story would at least take away from my experience that any amount of love you give, all the caring you provide, all the things you do, all the money you give (in my case it was a lot) in the end wont help to fix an active addict. In my case it made no difference except the negative impact I brought upon myself.

That's just my experience - take it for what its worth.

Thanks

Cody11

Hi HardLessons,

How are you doing? I hope you're ok. From Tuesday to Friday I've had 8 calls, all No Caller ID. I've not answered any of them so can't say it's him but a bit strange to have so many calls.

I hope you're feeling even a tiny bit better. I still have to fight the urge sometimes to give into this and mope about but whenever I feel like that I make myself do something and I also think of you and Lisa and everyone else on here who's going through the same and know that I'm not the only one struggling to get through this. I really am looking forward to the day when I'm just completely indifferent to it all.

Another weekend to get through but at least I have the Wimbledon finals to watch. I just hate the weekends though as I know you do too. Take care. I'm still thinking of you.

HardLessons

Hi Cody

No Caller ID - yes I know that one. My addict has used that trick in the past. She told me its something which can be selected in the cell phone settings. Its all so stupid. I'm glad you didn't answer. The only No Caller ID calls I ever got were from her. So when I got them I knew it was her.

I'm not really doing better but I am surviving. It all just stinks.

Yupper another weekend at hand. Ill keep as busy as I can doing small things.

I am also looking forward to the day when I can get up & feel somewhat normal as apposed to the heavy reality of the situation which hits me as soon as I wake up.

I do think of you. I'm glad to hear from you. Haven't seen anything from Lisa in a while hope she is ok? Maybe she is just taking a break from it all.

Take care Cody.

Cody11

Hi HL,

Although your message was sent before mine earlier it wasn't on when I sent mine.

This is going to take us a long time to come to terms with. Im having difficulty sleeping too. Im finding it hard to get to sleep and I, like you, am only managing to sleep for a while at a time. My ex is also in my dreams which I could do without!

This is just such a horrible time in our lives and it's going to take time - a lot of time - to come to terms with it all. You're in therapy though? If I have that right then I hope it helps you. I live next door to a psychologist and it's been good talking to her. So many people have so many opinions and some folk just can't understand why im finding things so difficult but I think until you've been in this situation, no-one else can understand. It's a horrible day here in Scotland so im watching the tennis but I think I'll venture out to my sisters later. The thought of being here all day and night isn't good. It's when I can let it all overwhelm me.

I hope you get through this weekend. Take care.

PS - I messaged Lisa and she's answered back so she's surviving.

HardLessons

Hi Cody

I saw that Lisa surfaced on her thread & was glad to see she was at least ok.

In the past, especially over the last year or so, I've tried to stop with her several times. Each of those times were extremely difficult for me. Each very emotional & painful. I obviously didn't succeed - none of them lasted for very long. This time she has left me alone. I have no idea why.

My point is I knew this was going to be extremely difficult. I knew it would take me a long time to get through it. In some ways I don't think I will ever be the same again.

I start with a therapist mid next week. She's going to say ok hun tell me what's going on in your life? Why are you here? Her jaw will drop when she hears this load of sh@t.

Yes I totally agree I don't think anyone can really understand what we are going through unless they have experience either with being an addict or closely trying to deal with one.

I guess it was gods or HP will for us to go through this experience. Although I don't see it now, hopefully we will be better off for it.

Please have the best day possible