New Here - Train Wreck - Please Help
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
HL,
What you described happened to me too. I tried talking about the drugs. It didn't work. So I stopped and my A just thought that was his chance to use as much as he liked, and he got worse. I either had to withdraw my support in his life entirely or he would have ended it (and me along with him) just by overdosing.
I feel like I've been in ex-addict-spouse detox for months now. I can go for a day or a half feeling fine and then suddenly be hit by a wave of extreme sadness. I feel like crumpling on the floor and bawling my eyes out... but I don't even have time for that. My brain still goes to la-la-land and invents scenarios where he shows up stone-cold-sober and he has been that way for months and he is suddenly the wonderful, responsible, caring, contrite person I thought he could be with me. Really, it's safer just to fantasize about a knight on a white horse. Dumb.
What you described happened to me too. I tried talking about the drugs. It didn't work. So I stopped and my A just thought that was his chance to use as much as he liked, and he got worse. I either had to withdraw my support in his life entirely or he would have ended it (and me along with him) just by overdosing.
I feel like I've been in ex-addict-spouse detox for months now. I can go for a day or a half feeling fine and then suddenly be hit by a wave of extreme sadness. I feel like crumpling on the floor and bawling my eyes out... but I don't even have time for that. My brain still goes to la-la-land and invents scenarios where he shows up stone-cold-sober and he has been that way for months and he is suddenly the wonderful, responsible, caring, contrite person I thought he could be with me. Really, it's safer just to fantasize about a knight on a white horse. Dumb.
Originally Posted by HardLessons 
Hi Ophelia
Hope you are ok as can be.
Yes it was interesting you quoted Anvil Head magical thinking response to something I wrote. I had a lot of magical thinking going on. Anvil called me out on it. I have a severe flaw when it comes to my thoughts & actions concerning her. Ive had that flaw all along.
Even given all that I know now - I could not deal with her in any healthy manner.
Like what your father said about him having words with your AH he would have set him straight. There came a time when her & I were having heated discussions. Heated words were flying from me & her. It caused a lot of pain & discomfort for both of us. The end result of those heated discussions - nothing changed absolutely nothing.
It only served to further separate our differences. She told me emotionally that she felt I was pushing her away. I wasn't trying to push her away, I was trying to bring her closer. In hind sight, she was right - it did push her away because she didn't want to come in my direction.
While we were still together I gave up totally talking about any of it. That went on for several months. I think she took that as a sign I was just going to go along with whatever type of thing. Guess what happened - she got worse than ever.
Nothing I did ever worked. I don't believe today any different outcome was possible than exactly how it played out. I tried everything absolutely nothing worked.
I hope Ophelia you find peace with your situation.
Hope you are ok as can be.
Yes it was interesting you quoted Anvil Head magical thinking response to something I wrote. I had a lot of magical thinking going on. Anvil called me out on it. I have a severe flaw when it comes to my thoughts & actions concerning her. Ive had that flaw all along.
Even given all that I know now - I could not deal with her in any healthy manner.
Like what your father said about him having words with your AH he would have set him straight. There came a time when her & I were having heated discussions. Heated words were flying from me & her. It caused a lot of pain & discomfort for both of us. The end result of those heated discussions - nothing changed absolutely nothing.
It only served to further separate our differences. She told me emotionally that she felt I was pushing her away. I wasn't trying to push her away, I was trying to bring her closer. In hind sight, she was right - it did push her away because she didn't want to come in my direction.
While we were still together I gave up totally talking about any of it. That went on for several months. I think she took that as a sign I was just going to go along with whatever type of thing. Guess what happened - she got worse than ever.
Nothing I did ever worked. I don't believe today any different outcome was possible than exactly how it played out. I tried everything absolutely nothing worked.
I hope Ophelia you find peace with your situation.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 72
It's so easy for me to get carried away with thinking and fancy thinking.., in the early stages, he certainly didn't help with that. He added to the fantasy, by creating more fantasy. I guess he knew how to play me.
I try to rationalize it: if they have a kid they won't reform for, why would they ever do it for anyone else. That's the one person he has to love by default, but nah that wasn't enough either.
That's about what brings me back to cold reality.
4 weeks and counting... I still think about "why" and whatever but I can't help but notice that he is becoming a little more distant in my mind as the weeks progress.
In the back of my head I wish he would contact me, but I know that's all stupidity and not helpful. I hope he deleted my # just as I deleted his.
I try to rationalize it: if they have a kid they won't reform for, why would they ever do it for anyone else. That's the one person he has to love by default, but nah that wasn't enough either.
That's about what brings me back to cold reality.
4 weeks and counting... I still think about "why" and whatever but I can't help but notice that he is becoming a little more distant in my mind as the weeks progress.
In the back of my head I wish he would contact me, but I know that's all stupidity and not helpful. I hope he deleted my # just as I deleted his.
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Join Date: Jun 2017
Location: USA
Posts: 980
I do completely understand waves of extreme emotions. I dont think its healthy to hold those emotions back. But I also dont believe you want to dwell in those places for extended periods of time. Doing so is very damaging.
For me it has helped a lot to at first learn to recognize these waves of emotions were happeneing. When I was still with her & the first month or two of no contact I had waves of emotions taking place & I wasnt fully aware what was happening. Its hard to explain but I might not realize what exactly was happenening until I was deep into it. As example I could be deep into thoughts of anger or saddness. I could also get deep into an anxiety attack & not realize what thought process was taking place to bring it on..
Ive learned to be extremely mindful of where my mind is taking me. Ive learned to recognize my thoughts & process through them in a more healthy way. Before my thoughts just went where they went for as long as they wanted too. Now If lets say thoughts of sadness or anger start to develop I immediately recognize its happening & try hard to think through them in a logical way. By doing so I can honestly say things have gotten much better for me. All these emotions flying around have calmed down a lot.
I also suffer from the fantasy thinking. Thinking how great it would be to see her talk to her. When that thinking starts I have to focus hard on reality. Stay with the real facts concerning her. The fantasy isnt real & never was. I try to shut that type of thinking down as quickly as possible.
We might wish our addicts love & miss us to the point where they will wake up one day & contact us. Id be lying if I said I dont wish that. But I know without any doubt I do not want her to contact me. I am way better off if she just leaves me alone.
Thanks Ophelia & Girl for your insights.
For me it has helped a lot to at first learn to recognize these waves of emotions were happeneing. When I was still with her & the first month or two of no contact I had waves of emotions taking place & I wasnt fully aware what was happening. Its hard to explain but I might not realize what exactly was happenening until I was deep into it. As example I could be deep into thoughts of anger or saddness. I could also get deep into an anxiety attack & not realize what thought process was taking place to bring it on..
Ive learned to be extremely mindful of where my mind is taking me. Ive learned to recognize my thoughts & process through them in a more healthy way. Before my thoughts just went where they went for as long as they wanted too. Now If lets say thoughts of sadness or anger start to develop I immediately recognize its happening & try hard to think through them in a logical way. By doing so I can honestly say things have gotten much better for me. All these emotions flying around have calmed down a lot.
I also suffer from the fantasy thinking. Thinking how great it would be to see her talk to her. When that thinking starts I have to focus hard on reality. Stay with the real facts concerning her. The fantasy isnt real & never was. I try to shut that type of thinking down as quickly as possible.
We might wish our addicts love & miss us to the point where they will wake up one day & contact us. Id be lying if I said I dont wish that. But I know without any doubt I do not want her to contact me. I am way better off if she just leaves me alone.
Thanks Ophelia & Girl for your insights.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
That fantasy/magical thinking………
Not sure if it’s a bad character trait or not as I do tend to want to see the good in people. I guess it comes down to how much of myself am I going to give up attempting to find that good that maybe just isn’t there or waiting for it to return from someone I knew that once possessed it. Not saying drug addicts are all bad or all good, I think you know what I mean here.
That inner battle of thoughts I think will always be there , old habits die hard but today logic and reality play a rather large part where they once didn’t really exists. Today I am able to control those thoughts where at one time it was extremely difficult. I was a reactor to my own chaotic and ambivalent emotions. Sitting with painful and hurt feelings and scared emotions was never easy, very uncomfortable and I always felt the need to act in order to change them.
About 1 ½ years after going no contact with my ex and only hearing of his continued downward spiral I happened to see him a few towns away from where he lived, walking in rather cold weather wearing only a sweatshirt. My initial thought (magical) was that he must be going to an AA meeting because that is the town where his old home group used to be. So of course, my second thought (still magical) was maybe I should turn around and offer him a ride to his meeting. Then bam! Logic and reality stepped up and spoke loudly shouting………….he’s not wearing the appropriate clothing for the weather, he’s walking – not in a taxi or a vehicle of a sponsor or member driving him to a meeting. Logic and reality said do not turn around atalose – nothing new to see here.
And how true that was!
Not sure if it’s a bad character trait or not as I do tend to want to see the good in people. I guess it comes down to how much of myself am I going to give up attempting to find that good that maybe just isn’t there or waiting for it to return from someone I knew that once possessed it. Not saying drug addicts are all bad or all good, I think you know what I mean here.
That inner battle of thoughts I think will always be there , old habits die hard but today logic and reality play a rather large part where they once didn’t really exists. Today I am able to control those thoughts where at one time it was extremely difficult. I was a reactor to my own chaotic and ambivalent emotions. Sitting with painful and hurt feelings and scared emotions was never easy, very uncomfortable and I always felt the need to act in order to change them.
About 1 ½ years after going no contact with my ex and only hearing of his continued downward spiral I happened to see him a few towns away from where he lived, walking in rather cold weather wearing only a sweatshirt. My initial thought (magical) was that he must be going to an AA meeting because that is the town where his old home group used to be. So of course, my second thought (still magical) was maybe I should turn around and offer him a ride to his meeting. Then bam! Logic and reality stepped up and spoke loudly shouting………….he’s not wearing the appropriate clothing for the weather, he’s walking – not in a taxi or a vehicle of a sponsor or member driving him to a meeting. Logic and reality said do not turn around atalose – nothing new to see here.
And how true that was!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2017
Location: USA
Posts: 980
Atalose
Thank you for your thoughtful words. I greatly appreciate all the time you have taken to help me. I do carefully read what you write not only to me but also to others.
Thanks again
Thank you for your thoughtful words. I greatly appreciate all the time you have taken to help me. I do carefully read what you write not only to me but also to others.
Thanks again
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,617
HardLessons,
I hope you don't mind me dredging up your original thread but I was reading it earlier - I had also read it when you initially posted it.
I see you post and I know you are still recovering from what you went through and i'm just wondering how you are doing?
I hope you don't mind me dredging up your original thread but I was reading it earlier - I had also read it when you initially posted it.
I see you post and I know you are still recovering from what you went through and i'm just wondering how you are doing?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2017
Location: USA
Posts: 980
Hi Trailmix
Thank you for caring to ask how I am doing.
I posted my mess & ugly story back in June, because I knew I was in serious trouble. Prior to posting, I had voluntarily gone down a long hard road. A road which I did not understand nor did I have the skills to navigate. Regardless, its a road which I freely chose to take. That road d#mn near killed me.
I was scared when I first posted. Scared no one would reply. Also scared what type of replies might come. Scared no one would even believe me. I was afraid of facing a life without her in it for numerous reasons. She was the focus of my life.
Replies did come & It was very difficult for me to read, think, and post replies to this thread. This thread challenged my bizarre rationale. So many people here on SR participated. So many people cared & tried their best to help me.
I owe everyone a huge thanks. I am indebted to everyone. I was in a life or death type of struggle. At least it felt like it to me.
Today, I am doing much better. There is no longer a life or death struggle going on inside me. I no longer suffer from anxiety attacks. I have a much better perspective concerning my own actions & hers. This was not all her fault. She is what she is & has been that way for a very long period of time. Even with knowledge of exactly what she is - I could not in any way shape for form, deal with her in a healthy manner.
Except for a couple blips, she has left me alone. I know nothing concerning her. We do not talk & we do not see each other. I do not seek out any information concerning her. I do not want to know.
So I guess in the end, she gave me the greatest gift & that was to leave me alone. Hopefully, it stays that way.
I still pretty much take one day at a time. I am aware I am not all better.
Thanks
Thank you for caring to ask how I am doing.
I posted my mess & ugly story back in June, because I knew I was in serious trouble. Prior to posting, I had voluntarily gone down a long hard road. A road which I did not understand nor did I have the skills to navigate. Regardless, its a road which I freely chose to take. That road d#mn near killed me.
I was scared when I first posted. Scared no one would reply. Also scared what type of replies might come. Scared no one would even believe me. I was afraid of facing a life without her in it for numerous reasons. She was the focus of my life.
Replies did come & It was very difficult for me to read, think, and post replies to this thread. This thread challenged my bizarre rationale. So many people here on SR participated. So many people cared & tried their best to help me.
I owe everyone a huge thanks. I am indebted to everyone. I was in a life or death type of struggle. At least it felt like it to me.
Today, I am doing much better. There is no longer a life or death struggle going on inside me. I no longer suffer from anxiety attacks. I have a much better perspective concerning my own actions & hers. This was not all her fault. She is what she is & has been that way for a very long period of time. Even with knowledge of exactly what she is - I could not in any way shape for form, deal with her in a healthy manner.
Except for a couple blips, she has left me alone. I know nothing concerning her. We do not talk & we do not see each other. I do not seek out any information concerning her. I do not want to know.
So I guess in the end, she gave me the greatest gift & that was to leave me alone. Hopefully, it stays that way.
I still pretty much take one day at a time. I am aware I am not all better.
Thanks
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